Shell Shock Serenade

The Reasonable (though NOT Popular CHOICE)

2012-01-29T14:17:00.001-05:00

Have I ever mentioned that I can be a little bit stubborn at times? Well...it is true, I most certainly CAN be difficult when my mind is set on something. Today...I chose to not attend church because of my health and it just drives me crazy. One of the biggest challenges for me has been the "self-denial", choosing what is really best for me health wise by making decisions like this to stay home where it's safe and rest. I have NEVER been good at doing the right thing in such matters. My natural inclination is to just push forward and do what I wish, Me, Me, Me, I always come first and get what I want...and the heck with the consequences...But historically, the consequences ALWAYS win. And then I suffer and whine like I am the victim of some terrible injustice when in reality, I did it to myself...AGAIN.

I know it doesn't sound like much of a decision for me to stay home but for me it's huge because it does represent this self-denial for what is right...and I do not like giving in. The last 3 weeks I've chosen to go to church each week and be forced to leave under very unpleasant circumstances...which was awful. Today I was able to see the writing on the wall and in hindsight I have not felt well the rest of the day. And I was able to rest even though I am still feeling quite ill this afternoon.

For the first time in a while we had friends stop by after church for breakfast (pancakes/sausage, coffee and juice) and just having company for a little over an hour. It was awesome to visit, I have such great friends but their short visit absolutely sucked the life right out of me. I enjoyed it but that was all I could physically do.

These are hard and difficult realities for me to face & accept. And perhaps that is the greater purpose behind why this is happening. Sound ridiculous? Perhaps it does but I do believe that things seem to happen in my life for a greater purpose...things that are often hard or even impossible for me to comprehend. Yet in the end it turns out that those hardship experiences end up serving me well later on.

I do have faith...and yes FAITH is a new and often mysterious concept and/or reality for me to get my arms around and accept but I am getting there...I do in fact..believe. I believe the LORD is with me even under really crappy, mysterious circumstances like these...even when I want to tell him he is full of crap and he needs to FIX me...now! Nothing happens and the intense weight of that realization that I am truly POWERLESS over this situation settles in over me and my world. It's oppressive and self-defeating IF I do not keep my eyes (my focus) squarely on the CREATOR at all times.

So One soldiers on, as I must...though I admit to no understanding of the bigger picture here, I do know one thing with the utmost certainty: I must continue ON. I must FOLLOW my LORD because what ever awaits me in the future, I know HE must lead me there because I have lived the alternative life and it was nothing short of catastrophe. And I have had ENOUGH of CATASTROPHE for one lifetime my friends, trust me on that!

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

The LIMIT...

2012-01-28T21:05:00.000-05:00

I actually did something I have not done in awhile...I went grocery shopping this evening. Typically I always do my own shopping and I always have. But I have not been physically capable of doing it on my own for some time. Now Kim still went with me and we went tooling around afterwards. A trip that should have taken us an hour tops just came to an end 20 minutes ago after over 3 hours of goofing around. It was good fun...

My guess would be that I have gotten a total of 3 to 3.5 hours of sleep this pat 24 hours in little 10 to 25 to 45 minute chunks of time...It is the best I have felt in a very long time.

I am going to try and go to church but the last three weeks I have not made it through the service. If I do not feel prepared to stay the whole service...I am not going to go. The last couple of days have proven one thing and that is that a little rest will go a long way. I just have to stay positive and keep getting sleep where I can.

We have a couple coming over for breakfast after church so that should be cool. It's almost like I'm having a real life for a change...I think I'll keep it!

My POSSE...

2012-01-28T07:51:00.004-05:00

For those of you who don't know me, Saturday mornings at 9a are my favorite moments of the whole entire week! Why, you may ask....Because I have a POSSE of ladies and I get to hang out with them on Saturdays, that's why!

Confused? OK I'll elaborate...I go and read the Bible each Saturday at 9p at a local Nursing Home (Residential Living Center, actually) all of my listeners each week are ladies. Usually around 6-8 of them....and the really cool thing about them is three of the regulars are 100 years old or older! Another 2-3 are in their late 90's...

This is simply the most enjoyable and rewarding thing that I have EVER done...it's incredible what occurs when we get together and hear the WORD of GOD read out loud. I literally seem to levitate at times while I read...it's such an intense experience.

It was this volunteer experience that has lead to the Bible Reading, actually we call it the Listening Ministry that we have today going to shut-ins and on Tuesday nights at our church. It just has taken off on it's own...

We have a snowy morning here in southern lower Michigan and I am not sure what the forecast is for today so I need to head out a wee bit earlier so I'll sign off for now. Have a wonderful Saturday morning.

(Photo: K. Tomson)

BRAVO To These BOYS!

2012-01-27T17:51:00.002-05:00

I think it pretty much goes with out saying that the individuals who make up SEAL Teams are absolutely top notch, high wire, super intense, super organized individuals who are trained to improvise anytime-any-where to achieve their mission, no matter how impossible it may be. Impressive and yea it's frightening what human beings are capable of. To anyone interested in exactly how much a human being can endure, I recommend reading Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. This young man's story speaks for itself...

I have no doubt that we live in a world today that absolute demands the existence of these teams of professionals. I happen to know two individuals who are or were Navy Seals. One is here in Coldwater and he is medically retired from injuries. He is an alcoholic/addict and has really struggled since being out of the service. I actually have not seen nor heard from him in at least 6 months or so. His story is not typical of SEALS yet it's not totally unheard of either. I pray for this fellow every day because he carries some serious baggage around with him that he can't seem to work through...

The other is a son of an old friend of mine. I don't really know him that well but he seems to fit the stereo-type. A super intelligent, honor-student, Annapolis Grad...just super motivated go-getter type fellow.

There is a new movie coming out next month, Act Of Valor that uses real, active duty SEALS as the main characters in the film. They also film a majority of the firefight scenes using LIVE FIRE...that's right, real bullets. Check out the movie's web site and look at some of the trailers...it really looks good. I really believe as time goes on, wars are going to be fought more covertly, on a smaller scale and will involve the usage of our countries Special Forces Troops more and more frequently. This can be an equally scary and reassuring proposition all at the same time...

Hanging Around

2012-01-27T11:10:00.000-05:00

I have received several very heartfelt and in some instances very concerned private messages about the last couple of posts here on the SHOCK. Let me assure everyone that I am doing well...yes, it's been a rough patch but things are moving along.

I needed to EMO-V (VENT...emotionally vomit, I call it) to purge that stuff from my system and then focus on growing, changing and enduring whatever continues to come flying my way. The only thing that I know for certain is that there will continue to be adversity...that never changes in life.

But I am on very good terms with GOD though I may have inadvertently implied differently. My point in mentioning that was that I do, even today have moments of questioning and doubt, I just do and that in my mind is part of being human...and I am not ashamed to admit that is the case. But I pray and will persevere....I have experienced worse times.... much worse and these times will pass just like those experiences did.

The furnace will not be replaced until Wednesday of next week so I am not happy about that but hey...what can I do? I don't happen to have a furnace in my back pocket!

Well I just wanted to reassure all that I am well and things are fine....we'll just keep hanging in there.

(Photo Kathy Tomson)

Time is NOW

2012-01-27T00:41:00.001-05:00

I suppose for clarity's sake I need to get back on here and assure everyone that I do NOT have a DEATH WISH...NO, I actually have a LIFE WISH and want to know when if ever will I get to have a life again. I want to LIVE... please GOD can I live?! Pushing the limits to basic sanity is NOT my idea of fun or entertainment. I am completely out of energy for fun and games...let's solve this problem so I can live. Unless my fate is to SUFFER then leave me as I am because I am SUFFERING in every sense of the word...suffer.

Not sure what else to say or do...typically I focus on myself and changing the things about myself that I can. The time then HAS ARRIVED...

FORSAKEN, Forgotten Fried Remnant of a HUMAN BEING

2012-01-26T21:03:00.001-05:00

OK and HEY...before I even start this puppy I'm going to apologize...basically because I am pissed, annoyed and sure to provoke or offend....probably (D) All of the ABOVE....

Yes I am still living the zombie style life of the sleep deprived half-human I have morphed into and there seems to be no answer anywhere in sight, on the horizon or in the freaking UNIVERSE for that matter. I am STUCK with this crappy, sleepless existence and I can only wonder what type of spiritual FRANKENSTEIN type experiment GOD has going with me....

Truly and honestly I am a WILLING servant...I will FOLLOW and am glad to serve. But I have to say I am feeling ABUSED. And I am a person who NEVER throws that particular word around frivolously....EVER, for any reason at all!

Forsaken...er, YEA! Just a bit, don't you think....wouldn't you?!

OH Wait, that's right...you readers don't know the rest of the story. Like my doc cancelled my FRIDAY morning appointment...AGAIN! I think the cosmic powers of evil have conspired to prevent me from EVER seeing another doctor again...no I'll just die here on the VINE, don't mind me.

Found out this afternoon as well that the furnace is HISTORY and must be replaced. Let's just say because some individuals are not facing FACTS or being realistic I am going to be home SICK as I am, With no HEAT for the entire weekend...possibly until mid next WEEK!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

So HIGH Fever, screwed up bladder, HIGH BP, morbid...scary thoughts of me own doom and demise....Terrible, vicious pain in my lower back, left hip...have not slept more then 2 total hours in a day for nearly 7 weeks. My entire body ITCHES, I could tear all my skin off and I do not think I'd find relief.

I am calling out LORD, I'm on my last legs...knees in reality and I got nowhere else to go...I've been asking...pleading...BEGGING for mercy YET only SILENCE...the SOUND of despair.

Do you have a clue, perhaps? Because I do not have the slightest...foggiest ...hair of an idea what I am supposed to do here. Enduring for the sake of just hanging on is losing it's allure and I am weakening...I am caving in to the pressure. HELP ME

A RARE Realization

2012-01-26T05:03:00.000-05:00

I couldn't begin to describe to you what other people feel like as they go through their day to day lives. I honestly used to assume that everyone felt as detached and alienated as I did...that was "normal" for me and I took it for granted that all people (at least adults in our American society) felt just the same way.

I see and understand now that couldn't have been farther from the truth, naive and frankly just plain misguided on my part to even assume such a thing. I now know that I am certainly an exception to the rule...not the torch bearer of it....

Because of my past and the various treatment experience's I have had for...alcoholism/addiction, suicide attempt, mental health issues, rape...I now realize that though I am not necessarily he "norm" for somebody my age...I am also NOT really the total outcast and oddity that I thought I was before. I had real honest to goodness reasons for feeling so MESSED UP inside. These realizations were BIG for me...I mean super big because I didn't have to feel like I had to hide who I was and you dear reader can tell that I am pretty comfortable in my own skin. That is huge and let's face it...RARE. I never really felt that way before.

That is just one example of how I am different today then I used to be. These changes came with recovery, they were the result of staying the course one day at a time and working hard at changing my negative behavior.

Often that is how it's been with me...the changes for the better come gradually, over time. Things just get a little better each day until one day I realize that EVERYTHING has changed! That is a cool feeling...

(Photo: Kathy Tomson)

Me and The BOY...Skipping Stones Down @ Holy Water Creek

2012-01-25T18:04:00.000-05:00

I miss my kids. I really do and it can really bother me sometimes. I think most readers here at the SHOCK know that I am a father of 2 grown children. My daughter Chelsea is 28, married w/2 young boys living in Greenville, SC. My son Ian is 26, engaged and still lives in the town where he was born and (mostly) raised...Holland, MI.

I see them once in a while and talk fairly frequently via phone or communicate using social networking technology tools. But when I lament that I miss my kids...it is literally the years they WERE kids that I am talking about. I know it is a well worn cliche folks but it is NO joke or laughing matter...that time when you are raising your children goes faster then the speed of light. Before you know it...their childhood is over!

My memory of both my children can be looked at by me in a condensed form that truthfully goes something EXACTLY like this: I remember quite well their mum carrying them both to full term (Chelsea nearly 2 full weeks AFTER)...going into the hospital and watching them being born.

Then things pick up the pace....diapers, real food, walking, big boy/girl pants, school, puberty, boys/girls, teenage angst, driving, graduation, college and then POOF, they were GONE!

I want those days BACK...dang-it. And I am totally sincere when I remind friends who are parents of young children today...CHERISH every second of this. With digital cameras and movies there is simply NO reason to NOT document EVERY move they make. We did a fairly good job with film/paper print pictures and video...but man, what you can do today with smart phone cameras and such...there is no excuse for not documenting their lives.

I want to skip stones with Ian and chase little Chelsea around the playground again threatening to tickle her FOREVER. I can hear her squeals and Ian's peels of laughter as I play "DADDY MONSTER" and wrestle with them on the floor, trying to tickle them both into submission. I want to read "Frederick" to them both just one more time doing my best Winston Churchill imitation voice...

I chuckle as I look at the picture at the top of this post, taken in 1989 (I believe). That is yours truly on the far right and my two little angels right in the front, center of the picture. A classic photo of us all here at the lake cottage (before this house I'm sitting in now was built). It's a great pic and an even sweeter memory.

But I do...I miss 'em and I think about those days all the time. Don't get me wrong...I love both of my kids every bit as much today as I did then...in a way even more. They are wonderful human beings and great adults. But once those little kids are gone...well it's forever so don't forget it!

Space Heater Wednesday

2012-01-25T12:27:00.001-05:00

From the title of this post...our most discerning readers should have recognized that once again, we are without heat...YEP, the furnace is out for the second time this winter. That is the original furnace of the house which was built in 1995 so who knows, the furnace could just be wearing out.

But the repair tech is here so we should get an idea what the problem is here soon.

OK, I'm back about 2 hours later and the news went from good to definitely NOT good to BAD in about 10 minutes.

There was a motor that had worn out and it looked like it would be covered by the insurance (we have appliance insurance we pay monthly with our bill to the power company). The repair guy left, said he should have the part Friday so I called my dad since I live in an apartment essentially at my parents home.

It sounded pretty simple....no cost and would be fixed in 2 days...just as I was speaking to him the repair guy came back. The news was the worst...it's the 2nd time that part had been replace and it turns out the only TRUE fix is a NEW FURNACE. I'm glad I had dad on the phone and he could hear this straight from the repairman because he would have given me a really hard time and he did grill the guy on the phone.

I have to call him here and find out some details...we should get an estimate by the end of the day via email.

So that kept the morning exciting...otherwise the main issues I have are still health related. In addition to the pneumonia, high BP, swelling feet/ankles/legs...etc. I am now having what I would consider a full blown back episode (hips, knees and feet all affect as well).

My back is the reason I am fully disabled. I crushed half a dozen vertebra in an accident as a teenager and have multiple ruptured disks. Mostly the pain is controlled and my quality of life is reasonable....I am able to function fairly normally but now and then I have episodes of nerve damage and severe pain. And that is what's going on here today and it isn't fun.

Often these will pass but this is a pretty serious one so I am basically confined to bed or a chair with feet elevated...

So that is where we are right now...like I need another thing going on in my life right now and the furnace needs replacing and my back is on the FRITZ as well. Holy SMOKES this really sucks right now...

Throwing Punches Around Makes Me Feel Better...

2012-01-24T16:25:00.001-05:00

Yes, well I am ticked off a bit with the whole kit and ka-boodle today. I am frankly more then annoyed with adversity. I get it...I know how to face adversity, OK. It's dealing with lot's of SUCCESS that I need work on...OK?! Kim too...she has ACED the freaking adversity test...we both don't need any more "life challenges" 'ya dig?! No we need desperately NEED...I may add, to learn how to cope with success, happiness, good news and the like. I mean we need at least 10-20 years of practice getting wonderful news...so we can really learn from the ground up!

So what do you think of that?! Needless to say things did not go well today...as a matter of fact they went down right lousy as far as K's so called JOB was concerned. Honestly it was a cluster-you-know-what of the highest order and thankfully it had NO effect...permanent or otherwise on Kim's job performance or reputation.

It turns out that the idiotic, unprofessional company that brought her in to work only did it as an interview type scenario without telling the 3 workers involved or the temp agency...who the day before went through the actual process of "hiring " them in on a probationary situation...what a joke. After 3 hours and not even seeing Kim actually do the work the woman "in charge" made her selection and sent the others home much to every one's shock.

So thank you very much Indiana Marine Products...you are a class act!

I have nearly 30 years experience in the factory working for a Fortune 500 Office Furniture Company. The last decade and a half of that was in Production Management as a supervisor and manager type guy. I know from experience that how a company treats their employees will ultimately be reflected in how they treat their customers...you either CARE corporately or you DON"T.

In my 15 years of personally bringing in temps from a Temp service I have NEVER seen or heard of a scenario such as what happened today and for the record...Kim was not the only one present or effected by this un-professionalism today. Upper management obviously has a bit of a disconnect with one of their non-supervisor leaders on the floor. makes we wonder where the supervisor was, eh?!

OK...I'm finished slapping these guys around...I'm sure business these days is tough but acting like this is helping your cause. I'm sure I'm over-reacting here but I am tired of not being able to fight back...today I'm throwing some punches around...sorry!

A Different Start To The Day...

2012-01-24T06:18:00.000-05:00

Another day and of course it is still pre-dawn. It feels a little different somehow because we got Kim up and off to work at 5:15a this morning. I do not like to tell God what to do but in all honesty...I sure hope this the job. Kim is certainly due for some good fortune...she has worked really hard and that has been a troubling aspect of this whole thing...no matter how qualified she is, no matter how hard she works...things just would come together. Man I hope today is DIFFERENT...

I am meeting a good friend this morning for our regular Tuesday book study meeting at a local restaurant. Even these most causal of get together have been impacted by my health and I actually had to cancel out of one last week.

One very unpleasant and I suppose unavoidable aspect of being hurt or ill is that unless you have broken bones or recent surgery or are ill with something very serious and well known as Cancer...is people tend to be suspicious about whether you are truly ill or as ill as you say you are.

I have dealt with that suspicion with my former employer Herman Miller, Inc for 20 years they made life difficult (a living hell of suspicion really) and though I was actually injured on the job I never claimed it and paid for multiple surgeries out of my own insurance and pocket. That was a mistake...I should have let them pay but I was trying to be ethical and I don't know...it back fired. But I still had a great career there.

Not sure why I just "went there" and posted that but hey...it is what it is.

I just know that Kim is good at the work she does and she has a vast variety of experience so hopefully that will be an advantage...now it's all about just getting the chance to show who you are and what you have to offer the company.

OK well I have to get going here and get ready for my day so we will catch you somewhere down the road...

Unleash The Beast: INTENSITY

2012-01-23T20:37:00.005-05:00

Once again I am lamenting the fact that I haven't written anything worthwhile or interesting in a long, long time. This...of course bothers me a great deal but whenever I try and rectify that situation....nothing really seems to make a difference or motivate me out of my lethargy. And that really is it...I feel lethargic to the very CORE of my being.

I typically am scattered anyway when it comes to subject matter for posts. I'll never pretend to have a plan or be totally organized but whatever I tend to end up writing about and why is a different matter because there usually is some little bit of FOCUS that comes from the shear joy of sharing that secret..or thought or feeling...it WAS and IS about recovery these days. That's what motivates me nowadays and has since my life depended on it.

Ultimately THAT's really it too....it became about survival. My recovery was the original subject of the blog....and as time went on it became more and more noticeable and obvious that my survival depended on me staying sober and clean one day at a time. Well it became even more obvious to me that my recovery WAS my LIFE..they were one in the same...they HAD to be for this thing to work.

So every time I was posting about staying clean or any other aspect of recovery I was actually writing about saving my own life..each and every day! Well needless to say I had no issue finding the necessary focus when it came to writing about saving LIVES....and my very own LIFE being the first.

With that came intensity...something I had no natural shortage of to begin with, though I had always lacked the positive, safe and healthy OUTLET for letting out that intensity. At times when I would tap into certain feelings or thoughts and feelings I was unleashing the entire emotional AVALANCHE of INTENSITY concerning my rape and the after aftermath. It was dangerous and risky...but that was what people showed me here on the SHOCK, that was what your feedback was showing me so I took the chance and wrote about that very private and personal stuff...and it was hugely successful. In the end that was what people really wanted to read. It was a trip and I was more then a little nervous about doing it but the rest is history...

So I am really lamenting that loss of intensity I typically have and it's temporarily gone because of the exhausted emotional
state I am in. I want it BACK and yea...
I want it back NOW because I am tired of writing boring milk toast freaking posts...so I will do my best to unleash whatever emotional energy
I can...

Employment

2012-01-23T18:19:00.000-05:00

Kim was hired today for a position at a Marine Products Company in assembly. The job is through a temp agency whose major role is to get employees through their 90 day probationary period then they can be hired in.

Needless to say this is a big deal for us because if this turns into full time permanent employment...well we can basically begin a new chapter of our lives...if you know what I mean. Actually we are still beginning it but it will be a huge boost to have that job nailed down.

Thing are looking up...even with the health issues I have stuff is still going pretty well...I really cannot complain.

So that's the big news of the day...

The Dark & Foggy Future...

2012-01-22T20:35:00.001-05:00

It has been an eventful day in a lot of ways...particularly considering I only briefly left the house for a short-lived attempt at attending church. Needless to say it failed miserably and I had to bag it and come home. I did have a rather strange experience while I was there when I woman I don't know very well come and want to put scented healing oil on me...I guess this stuff is straight from the Bible but I am not familiar with it so though I allowed her to put some on my hand for my Pneumonia, though my heartfelt commitment probably wasn't there.

Now I'm not saying I believe in such things or not...I do understand there are a lot of things in our natural world that have healing powers but I usually like to approach such treatment on my own and in my own way. Sitting in a crowded church lobby at a table having someone I hardly know put oil on me felt rather foolish but oddly (and honestly I am not making this up) I did feel better from a respiratory point of view the rest of the day so....what do I KNOW!!??. I though it was important to be open minded and I really appreciated the fact she cared enough to approach me...

I was half-way excited that the NFL Conference Championship Games were on and as I sit here writing the San Francisco/NY Giants game is at halftime. K-sue and I are taking a short little walk then I'll watch the last quarter when I get back...

Tomorrow is a big day medically because I have to first and fore-most get my blood pressure under control then I have to decide what I am going to do about changing my personal physician. This has to happen and I need to move on.

So that is the terribly exciting stuff I know but hey...it 'tis me life...as they say. K had a big-time interview on Thursday and we are fairly optimistic that we might hear some good news in the morning....so if you are a praying person and have a little time to spare we could sure use the prayer.

All right it is time to venture out into the fog...

Small Minds DISGRACE The Legend: RIP JOE

2012-01-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

Joe Paterno, legendary football coach at Penn State University died this morning at 85 years of age. He was fighting Lung Cancer and it's various complications plus being 85 years old. But don't kid yourselves...this man died of a broken heart. Having his team and coaching career end in disgrace absolutely shattered this man's heart. Much like another legendary football coach, Alabama's Paul "BEAR" Bryant ...Paterno did not live a year after he stopped coaching. It is clear that for both men...it truly was their life.

I know that Paterno's reputation was damaged by the Jerry Sandusky child rape case at Penn State. I would also agree that knowing what we know from the Grand Jury reports that morally Joe could and should have done more but the truth is he did something and it was at the time what he thought was right.

Please, dear reader...remember as I write about this subject (child abuse and rape) that I am a victim of sexual assault and rape by 3 grown men when I was 12 years old. I suppose if anyone has a special reason to be critical I could claim it...but I won't. Why?

Because I know as much or more then anyone how complex, insidious and painful this whole thing can be. There is no black and white answer for something so EVIL as Child Rape. When Paterno said last week that he dropped the ball, that he should have done more but at the time he just didn't know what he was supposed to do and how to do it...I believe that because I felt that very same way MYSELF...about my own RAPE! There is no freaking BLUEPRINT showing how we are to respond to this kind of insanity...

I had no clue what I should have done...so I did nothing but be quiet and try and let it. As a result of deciding NOT to DECIDE...I am still dealing with this nearly 38 years later!! So I am not going to stand in judgement of this man who did so much good not for just the University of Pennsylvania but for mankind just because he made a terrible mistake in judgement. I know and understand perfectly what he did (in this case DIDN'T DO)...it does NOT in my humble opinion invalidate his whole life's work. I think it's tragic how this ended...for everyone involved.

I do however condemn the Board at Penn State who fired him so hastily. I think that is what "SMALL MINDED MEN" do when they do not have the BALLS to stand up and take the heat for doing what is ultimately right. Now I am using the term "MEN" here in a universal sense since there were and are woman on the board as well...

I believe they took an opportunity to get rid of him when the program was in disarray because they were resentful of the power and prestige he had. I do think that they had a right to if they chose but I think he accomplishes more good by staying the coach. I think they were short in the courage department and panicked, when patience was the prudent answer here. But it's all too late now.

Anyway I find it heartbreaking that he dies this way, that his life came to an end like this. I think it is a HUGE injustice and my love and sympathy goes out to his family...

I am resigned To HEAL this Time...

2012-01-21T11:12:00.000-05:00

By Kathy Tomson

I am going to do my utmost today to rest. I know, I know...we have all heard this before but this time I really mean it! This is such classic statement that you typically would hear from someone trying to change a bad pattern of behavior. For me it would be my drinking in the past..."This time I really mean it, I'll quit. You'll see...this time it's different" and more often then not...nothing ever changed. So I get it...it will be a challenge to do what I'm supposed to do but I am so tired of feeling...TIRED, sick and so weakened that I can't function normally. It's true...I have always had a hard time following the instructions from a doctor or physical therapist...that explains why I've struggle to heal properly at times in the past.

When I had knee surgery a couple years ago..I felt a ton of pressure from my employer to work though I was supposed to be off at least 6 weeks. I felt guilty about not being there so I was back working in the store in less then 3 weeks. This was at the very same time that my father was very ill with an infection from a burst appendix and in a hospital in Ft Wayne (an hour away) for 45 days. My knee didn't have a chance...So I basically am walking around on a right knee that is damaged almost beyond repair. It's just shredded inside and that is exactly what it feels like too. And it's always something like that too...I feel guilty and can't take the time for myself so I cut corners and it is my health that suffers.

This morning dawned bright...and I mean BRIGHT. We have blue skies and the sun is shining fiercely this morning. On top of that we have 5-6" of freshly fallen, light and fluffy powder...I usually hate that combination of snow and sun...it physically hurts my eyes but today for some reason I rather like it. I suppose it is because I've accepted my fate today...I'm staying in all day and I'm keeping my feet elevated with ice.

Purdue plays at Michigan State in Basketball at noon so that gives me a bit of incentive as well. Hope you, my dear reader have a wonderful day...we will check back some time after the game.

Grilled Swiss Cheese Heaven

2012-01-20T23:41:00.001-05:00

Well, well...I thought Id see if I could conjure up a few sensible mutterings that I might be able to call a post. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to know what I want to say yet be too exhausted to stay coherent enough to actually write it. I can't tell you how many times I have come to to find myself passed out on my keyboard or sitting up in a chair. I just cannot stay awake. Most of the time I'm not really even safe to drive.

It would be comical if it wasn't so sad and didn't present so much difficulty for me at the moment health wise. I really have no actual, functional life to speak of at the moment.

I am going to do my best to rise above that stuff for now. On the bright side I have been able to get a bit more sleep and I'm still keeping my self physically occupied and get some exercise but my feet/calves/lower legs are quite swollen and very tender to the touch.

If this persists into Sunday I am going into the ER and get checked out. Or if my BP continues to stay so high. That probably has me the most concerned right now mainly because I am so unfamiliar with high blood pressure and that ignorance frightens me. Plus i can literally FEEL when it spike.

So We'll give it tomorrow and go from there.

I had to pull out of the Chaplain Training for the Jail but I have a feeling that will work out for the best in the long run. I could not have withstood the rigors of the training. Plus I just could not have physically done it. I can't go have coffee in a diner for an hour with out their being a major issue so this is best....

Sounds like there is a late night snack (grilled Swiss Cheese on Pepperidge Farm Bread)being made right now with my name on it...so I need to avoid seeming rude and go out there and eat that thing.

Talk to you all in the morning...

Hey...sorry about the picture but I just couldn't resist posting a little summer time picture of the lake...it's amazing the difference a few months makes.

The EFFECT

2012-01-20T20:04:00.001-05:00

I had to back out of my commitment to the correctional chaplaincy training sessions beginning tonight and going for 3 total days. Chaplain Dave understands and will help me take the courses when I am feeling better.

This illness is very humbling and yes, it is also starting to kind of frighten me somewhat. I need to step back and let God take over because I just get really stressed if I keep thinking about it.

I am going to leave it at that for a while.....

A Quick Good Morning...

2012-01-20T05:56:00.003-05:00

As the post title suggests...I am in a bit of a hurry this morning. I am going to try and keep a commitment to a new (new to me that is) Friday morning book study group that meets at 6:30a at the Coldwater Garden (a local greasy spoon). My trips out into public lately have not gone very well and I'm already feeling poorly so I don't know...we'll see.

I am even more concerned about a Jail Ministry training class that starts tonight (6-10p) and continues tomorrow (9a-5p) and then repeats those same hours 2 weekends later. Right now as I sit here I cannot see how it will be possible for me to make it through even the first few hours...all I can do is pray about it. If it is truly meant to be...then so be it.

OK I'm off to town...

Yea, I Caved & Bought Goldfish...

2012-01-19T21:31:00.002-05:00

I will say that I have not softened my opinion about doctors since my post this afternoon. But I imagine things will get sorted out but I'm still left with some BP concerns and I have no doctor to rely on. I told Kim that my Doc is not a Physician and he doesn't want to be...too much responsibility. No he is a "health care provider" and that's it. He takes no oath and works 9-5 (if that). He only cares when he is on the clock...and hey, more power to him. That is his choice...it just isn't the relationship I seek with my doc.

Now the pic I posted is of my two new pet goldfish...so NEW that I haven't even named them yet. But I will and as soon as I do well hey..I'll let you all in on it since i know you jhust can't stand the suspense.

Unhappy With MD's...

2012-01-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

I was two blocks away from the Doctor's office when I got the call...Doc's wife had the baby so all his appointments for the rest of the week are canceled and I have to call in Monday to re-schedule. It seems that even super High BP isn't enough to get them to adjust a person's BP medication by making a call to the pharmacy. So it's: "If it becomes an Emergency, then go to Prime Care (the ER)?!". Yea, that's what I want to to, provoke a blood pressure emergency by ignoring obvious warning signs as opposed to simply addressing the need now when it is but a concern...and one easily (and cheaply) remedied by calling in a new and stronger BP med and water pill.

If you ask me about all this debate going on concerning the type of Health Care this country should have...well, in my opinion and experience, the Health Care We Have Now Ain't So Hot and I am insured with a private physicians office. They run this office like it's a family owned Diner and not a house of medicine. So whenever they decide to close...well tough sh*t...get your grilled cheese on rye somewhere else...we don't care!

I told K-Sue in the car that even a plumber's shop has off hours service call's but this office won't even call in a script for a patient who has a KNOWN serious issue, that is well documented and that they are aware of...by her rudeness and manor...this receptionist could have cared less...and why should she...she has the rest of the week off, WAHOO!

Some folks will probably say my expectations are too high...and perhaps they are but they are based on the Regular, EVERYDAY service of my doctor's office in HOLLAND, MI for the last 26 years. And really..calling in a new prescription for HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE is NOT too much to ASK...come on.

Now...because this is but one of several concerns and issues I have with them....I have to decide whether to pull the plug and start over with a new doctor....I have a sneaking' suspicion it won't be too difficult.

Today Please!

2012-01-19T08:15:00.001-05:00

A snowy morning's adventure to see yet ANOTHER member of the medical profession that calls themselves: Physicians...

One element of saving grace in all of this is I actually feel like headway has been made. I slept a total of almost 2 hours last night even though I had my worst evening of recorded blood pressure results ever.

I posted yesterday about how uncomfortable this high BP makes me feel and I am NOT getting used to it! I said then that I was in the weird position of actually looking forward to going to the doctors appointment and that feeling still holds. I'm really concerned and I know that with high BP for this length of time that something is not right. Let's just get to the bottom of it...today please!

It's WIDE Open!

2012-01-19T04:31:00.001-05:00

In spite of the latest difficulty with my health...I cannot let myself forget that I am at the crossroads of a very special and unique time in my life. I have been clean and sober for sometime and have learned to live life quite happily and productively (one day at a time) with out drink or drugs. I have never lost sight of the fact that this is quite honestly a miraculous event that I had very little to do with. I was truly at wits end and with out all hope that day I tried to die...yet it didn't happen though the doctor's involved are baffled. I should have died... But I didn't and what has happened since then is special...

I have a relationship today with God that frankly...I NEVER thought could or would happen. Why? I hated God and wasn't that sure to begin with that I even wanted to be involved with him...

But...because of this relationship with HIM...I have discovered and become involved in a bunch of very special relationships with several people that I am extremely close to and very fond of. This I never saw coming for I was an isolationist...I craved time ALONE and looking back on it I didn't like people very much....

Today I cherish these relationships and they are most important to me...Bottom line is I love people today and I truly enjoy my interactions with them no matter the situation...Even debilitating long term illness has not prevented me from loving and embracing this new life of mine.

Most importantly, today I am capable of having a healthy and loving relationship with K-Sue. There were times, even recently when I still felt so scarred, so damaged and mistrustful that I wasn't sure I would be able to clear that hurdle and be capable of loving her unconditionally. And it isn't easy of course and this relationship like all of them is a work-in-progress.

So I feel an immense amount of gratitude as I sit here this morning knowing in my heart that GOD is here with me and the future lies ahead, wide open and full of possibility instead of full of dread...like it used to be.

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

Getting On With It!

2012-01-18T22:38:00.002-05:00

I have never before experienced high blood pressure and I can say that just from having this current experience with it right now...that I am quite unnerved by it all. I feel very uncomfortable physically in my own skin, which is not I typically feel so it all feels very strange to me at the moment.

It is certainly rare that I actually look FORWARD to a doctor's appointment but that is indeed the case tonight. I am hoping we can get this figured out and treated accordingly...I want to get on with living a life!

So yes...I am quite frustrated by the lack of progress and just want to get over this miserable period of exhaustion, sleeplessness, illness and physical hardship. Hopefully tomorrow's appointment will lead toward finding some answers...and then a solution

Resolution..Required, Please!

2012-01-18T16:27:00.000-05:00

Honestly...I think this latest health crap is interfering with my life long love affair with coffee. Those people who know me understand that I truly love coffee and have made a routine of drinking it starting off first thing in the morning since I was 10...perhaps 11 years old. That is pushing 40 years of morning coffee, coffee after dinner...coffee at one time was appropriate for for just about every occasion.

I never tired of it or graduated to expensive, fancy Latte's or Ice coffee's...NOPE, just strong black coffee for me.Truly one of life's simple pleasures...

Well, when a human being goes for WEEKS with out more then an hours sleep a person gets desperate. I drastically have increased the amount of coffe I drink a day. I basically have a cup of coffee in my hand around the clock and I realize it isn't a good thing so it really has to stop.

But even when I don't drink coffee I can't get to sleep or stay that way for very long. Let's just hope this visit to the doctors tomorrow brings some resolution to this whole big mess!

Snowflake

2012-01-18T05:42:00.000-05:00

This is an actual photo of a good, 'ole Southern Michigan, mid-January snowflake...taken by my friend and photographer Kathy Tomson. It's complex yet there is something very pure and straight-forward in it's beauty.

I am very fond of art...Impressionist Painting for example is probably my very favorite form of artistic expression. And I have often stood in awe as I look at the works of Van Gogh, Renoir or Cezanne. But nothing I have ever seen created by man they don't come close to matching the beauty and exquisite joy seen in this one single, solitary creation of GOD.

Uncle Abe

2012-01-17T16:06:00.000-05:00

I just got finished reading the book: "Killing Lincoln". The book turned out to be a worthwhile read and frankly I recommend it. It's interesting, moves nicely and for the most part is solid history. I would dare say most historians or history minded people as myself would feel that way except this book has a problem.

One of it's co-authors is Bill O'Reilly from FOX NEWS. People find fault with this book solely because he wrote it. Now I totally disagree with that and I am not a fan at all of "Mr Bill". As a matter of fact looking at the cover of the book alone gets me upset because O'Reilly takes larger billing for himself then the SUBJECT OF his freaking book! A Man who happens to be one of our countries most revered figures EVER!!

But the story he tells is compelling and for anyone interested in this subject...whether they are familiar with history or NOT will find they can understand and enjoy this book...

That is my recommendation, read and enjoy the book...it's a worthwhile read.

I have read at least a dozen works on various aspects of Lincoln and his Presidency. Each time I read one I am profoundly affected by what I have read. Lincoln is a historic hero of mine and I am typically overwhelmed by sadness at the conclusion of the book. This one was no difference...it did a great job laying out the facts, and portraying the time period in a way that makes it all easier understand that very different time in our country's history.

Don't let who the author is influence whether you should read this...as I've said, I've read over 10 books and I am better for reading this one as well...it is NOT a great HISTORICAL work but it is very informative and worthwhile.

Hanging In There!

2012-01-17T12:38:00.000-05:00

I am getting a little frustrated with the so called "winter" weather this year. As I write this it is 50 degrees outside! The ice that finally formed on the lake for the first time this year is all but gone again. Last year at this time the lake had been frozen nearly 2 months time by the middle of January.

I happen to like having and experiencing all four seasons. I am not quite as "gung ho" about it as I used to be but still, I like having snow. And we have had very little of it this year. The forecast does not look all that promising for a change either so I guess we are going to have to accept it the way it is. I cannot change NATURE, I realize that.

There is a great deal of chatter about the NFL and and the playoffs but I am not that interested. Same with the Presidential Election stuff....I have trouble caring.

I did find that I have Bronchial Flu (respiratory) and have signs of pneumonia so I am very happy I went to the doc yesterday. I am already on day 2 of anti-bionics. I should see some progress soon.

I am reluctant to come out full bore and say it but I have a feeling that I am started to turn a corner a bit with my health...we'll see!

The DUDE

2012-01-16T17:36:00.000-05:00

The visit to Dr. Dude (Dr Daoud and it's pronounced "Day-ood" and as far as I'm concerned that's close enough for said nickname) went well. The Barrett's Esophagus is still a concern but we have opted to "wait and see" instead of trying to pursue any untried laser techniques that may or may not reward us with positive results.

The truth is the current situation is trying enough so we will stay the course for now. I meet with my regular Doc Thursday and we will figure out a strategy that hopefully gets us through winter and
and then we'll go from there.

So it was a cautious yet optimistic visit and that's good news for me. So I' going to close because I cannot keep my eyes opens...i'll WRITE LATER...

Well...Thank You For That, Emily!

2012-01-16T11:31:00.001-05:00

"Not knowing when the dawn will come...I open every door" - Emily Dickinson

Anyone who has me as a FaceBook Friend knows that I post a ton of quotes, anecdotes and poems, etc. It is sort of "My Thang" if you know what I mean and I have several web sites that send me quotes each day. And I really enjoy reading them...

This quote by Dickinson to my knowledge is not really well known though I could be mistaken, I am not well versed in her work or her personal story. But the idea here of not burning a bridge or wasting ANY opportunity for something special to happen is a familiar philosophy and one that I have to one degree or another always embraced. Though I have taken it to another level since I have been in recovery.

I think that holds true for a lot of us who make this kind of life change...we don't want to "waste" any more of life's chances so we take every opportunity to grow...or as Emily would put it: Throw open ALL the doors!"...You figure if you look everywhere, something is BOUND to turn up on the good side...

Another benefit of getting these email quotes sent to me every morning is they often inspire me to "get a move on" when the reality is I'd rather NOT, hehe. Now honestly...today wasn't going to be one of those days...As I was already feeling "sparky" and ready to go. I actually managed a couple hours of sleep in several naps so I am physically feeling a bit better then the last few weeks. We'll see if this is a case where I just eventually HAD TO sleep so my body just gave in.

Anyway I feel better...I have an appointment with the surgeon at 2:15 o I'm gonna kick back and rest so we'll see you this evening...

Holding Off The CLOWNS...Who Persist In Running AMOK

2012-01-15T18:32:00.004-05:00

Photo: K Tomson

Naturally when a person is laid up....hurt or sick...they spend a great deal of time isolated with their own thoughts and emotions. This is one of those potential "ticking Time-Bomb" types of situations that are NOT GOOD for a recovering alcoholic/addict like myself. No, addicts...particularly those that are new to recovery do not do well when they are isolated and have no accountability to anyone else...they have a tendency to let their self-will take over and run amok. This certainly was a pattern for me....It has been a huge concern of mine during this lengthy period of illness though I have managed to stay connected to the Creator which in my life today makes all the difference in the world.

It keeps the crazy notions I come up with when I am sleep deprived from taking over and running amok... creating more and more problems. So I would say a huge part of my saving grace this time around is having the experience of having been there before and knowing what the potential problems are.

I am still managing to get little 20 minute snippets of sleep here and there through-out the day and that seems to be making a difference. So we'll just keep running with it when it happens...it seems to be enough to get by for now.

My goal here is really to try an get well obviously...I have a real desire to get back to communicating more effectively because that will most certainly help in my attemps to work with the medical staff to help figure out what's going on. Not sure why but I feel somewhat more optimistic this evening...I have a funny feeling that there are good things about to happen out their on my life's horizon and we just have to stay the course spiritually...and good stuff will occur.

Perhaps that is wishful thinking...could be I suppose but I just don't believe it. I believe we have planted the seeds for a good, solid future and we just might start seeing that come to pass if we just keep praying to HIM and plugging away.

Anyway...have a wonderful Sunday evening...I believe I am about to have French Toast and Bacon for dinner tonight....

Gonna Try

2012-01-15T07:30:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning...8 Januaray, 2012 and it just happens to be a cold, clear and crisp 14 degrees out there.

K and I are going to try and go to church. I know why bother...I have over a 100 degree temp but we'll wing it and if I don't feel up to it I'll come home.

OK the great church pilgrimage begins...

Too Tire To Write...EXPERIMENT FAILED

2012-01-14T22:46:00.000-05:00

(I am actually going to try to post something tonight. Let's see how long it takes before I completely run out of gas and haven to quit, lol!

I'm not sure if I am just going to free form and just RIF whatever comes to mind or just h....)

The text above was as far as I got before I nodded off onto the keyboard for 10 minutes or so. And that is just the way it happens...boom and I am out of it. I have no idea how long this whole episode of ill health is going to last but it is definitely starting to take it's toll and yes, worry me a great deal. But what can a person do except go on...

And I am going to close for the night. I thought I might be able to pull this off but I am too exhausted to write....

Physically BROKEN, Spiritually STRONG.

2012-01-14T18:01:00.000-05:00

In what has basically turned from a blog about recovery to one tracking my various illnesses...I am here to report on the latest medical changes. I now basically have the Respiratory Flu....fever, sore throat...hard, deep cough and yea, I'm am freaking really sick now in addition to the sleep deprivation, high BP, swollen feet...I am a mess.

A joyful mess in a lot of ways...go figure that, eh?! I imagine that both of my children on reading that statement about me being a joyful mess are really scratching their heads.... Huh...er, WHAT?! That isn't the dad they knew...I was a lot of things when they were growing up but JOYFUL certainly was NOT one of them, hehe!

But underneath this pain and this physical brokenness is me and I am happy to sacrifice what I I must to Follow HIM...because when I do my life IS a LIFE, a full, rewarding testament to GOD'S Grace. I should not have survived several of my experiences when I was younger. There are doctor's that to this day that cannot figure out how I'm here after that suicide attempt. GOD is the only possible answer...really I cannot come up wit anything else.

I must cut this short...much more latter.

Old Habits DIE HARD

2012-01-12T20:45:00.000-05:00

Old habits die hard for me. Sick though I am and virtually bedridden at the moment,
I still feel the necessity to write some sort of blog post. This blog is indeed about my life, the life of a person who is in recovery and let's face facts: people get ill. They have flu for a couple of days...or they could be terminally ill...perhaps they are just sick for a few weeks with Mono...there are MANY different ways to be sick. All I know is I have a long term illness that I cannot seem to properly identify OR get rid of.

And oddly I cannot at this moment tell you when or if I am going to get better. The hardest part of this situation is the fatigue. It isn't something I can easily compensate for...it takes it's toll by making writing itself nearly impossible. I am experiencing that right now and I have to close this post.

Unfortunately this is what I was warning about in my earlier post today....Good evening folks

Struggling To Stay Afloat

2012-01-12T13:18:00.001-05:00

I'm struggling mightily with my physical health right now and as a result it is messing me up psychologically and emotionally as well. Surviving is about all I am capable of doing right now..

I am writing this short post just to let everyone know that I am not sure what I am capable of giving right now. So if you do not see my regular volume of posts in the days to come...No worries, it is because I am just too sick to write at this time.

I will be back to my regular self soon, iI hope.

Thank you for reading...Thom

Brett

2012-01-11T15:31:00.002-05:00

Photo Coldwater Reporter

I am finding that writing, whether on the blog or email is still a pain in the butt because of the fatigue factor or what I call my "punchiness". I am getting more of these 5-10 minute little nappers. They are taking some of the extreme edge off of the exhaustion and allowing me to function just enough to` get stuff done....Folks it isn't pretty and it doesn't feel very good but I am still going to call it PROGRESS....AND so progress it IS!

It is all still a challenge...just living my ordinary life is a HUGE challenge but what are you going to do? I have a sneaking suspicion that there are other medical factors involved causing the way I am feeling of late.

Tomorrow K-Sue & I have a sad journey to make to Marshall, MI for the funeral of our friend Brett Pehrson who passed away Saturday after a vicious fight with Cancer at the age of 50. 50...years....old.....that's just a year older then I am. I have a life long WAR going on with CANCER just as I do ADDICTION/ALCOHOLISM. Why, you may ask am I at war with these two diseases? Because they keep KILLING my FRIENDS, that's why! And I'm getting pretty sick and tired of feeling this way...I miss my friends and Cancer in particular has really ravaged the ranks of my friendships in the last 20 years or so. It never seems to let up and frankly it gets discouraging. (More links on Brett HERE)

Photo Coldwater Reporter

As you can see by reading the links about Brett that this was one special person. I really only new him a short period of time and he touched my life in a pretty special way...no doubt about it. The last time I saw him I was passing him in a crowded hallway at our church one Sunday and he had seen in the announcements that I was having some serious health issues..including a possible cancer scare.

Now you have to realize that this guy pretty much had the hardest fight with cancer of anyone I have ever known. he had it in the mouth and eventually he couldn't eat, he lost a ton of weight and his face was terribly swollen.

But he smiled at me, put his hand on my shoulder and told me that he was praying for me and the results of my test. I remember thinking "dude, don't worry about ME man, worry about you!". I just thought it was so powerful that here he was clearly dying and painfully I might ad and he is taking the time to reassure Kim and I.

He was a super cool guy and we are all gonna miss him. The world losses most when we lose people like him. And I really mean that.

If you read the lead, Brett was the Public Safety Director of Coldwater...Chief of Police. To have a man so good, so understanding and spiritual in that position...well I'm not sure if the community at large truly realize what they have lost here.....

I sure do...

Looking' Good, So FAR!

2012-01-10T19:45:00.000-05:00

OMAHA BEACH

My oh my....now that almost felt like a "normal" Tuesday afternoon/evening for me...almost. Still fatigued almost to the point of exhaustion but I got enough of what I call "snippets" (5-10 minute mini-sleeps, usually by nodding off involuntarily...sometimes while reading to others)to keep complete collapse at bay. So it felt like a productive day! And man do I miss my typical days...the reading, meeting DK for Theological Book study (Book-DOCTRINE)...

I just had a little energy so it felt as if I had a bit of my old self back and it was cool. I'm a little more hopeful today though I haven't let myself get down through any of this...nope we just keep going forward.

Kim is here now in Coldwater and that is a difference maker too because we really are partners in this life. We walk together, talk and eat...just be together.

Kim's been looking for work just in this first day she has had a couple interesting interviews. It looks as good and we are in good spirits.

OK time for a late dinner tonight...so gotta run.

`

What DAY Is IT?!

2012-01-09T20:05:00.001-05:00

Well a new chapter has begun...Kim came down from Holland today and her intention is to find work, find a place and sty here permanently. She is very determined and once her decision to do this was made the end of last summer she has been actively working toward this goal all along.

I like the situation, it feels more "real"....things are a bit more tangible this way...NOW we can"do" something about her situation instead of waiting for the responses of others. That makes a huge difference when we can actually take action on Kim's behalf...you don't feel out of the loop and you can be more assertive this way. She needs to find work immediately, just put a couple of part time jobs together and try to work around 40 or more hours a week. Just start there...

Thats the deal right now...and it feels good to have her nearby....

Tonight is the National Championship for NCAA College football from the New Orleans Super Dome...it should be a great game. And I sure hope so...OK gonna close tonight.

Oh one more thing I want to apologize for the inferior quality of the writing here on the SHOCK. My health and lack of sleep is seriously impacting my quality of life and my abilities to do the things I love...like WRITE. I'm sorry.

(PHOTO: K-Tomson)

A Good Blog and a Little ANGEL

2012-01-09T09:09:00.000-05:00

I regularly read a blog called the Burrow. The author did not use her real name and went by the pen name Ashley Burrows...This all changed a year ago when she picked up her neighbor...a little girl named Christina-Taylor Green on a Saturday morning in Tuscon, AZ to go to Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifords meet and greet at a local Safeway Market.

That is where the normal Saturday morning in January went horribly wrong when a gunman opened up on the Congresswoman and the innocent crowd. 6 were killed and 12 wounded..among the wounded were Congresswoman Gifords who was gravely wound and the blogger Ashley burrows whose real name is Susan Hileman. Her young neighbor was killed....

The one year anniversary over this senseless act was over the weekend. I wanted to recommended the blog...Ms. Hileman is a wonderful writer and I really think her blog is worthwhile. She has written about recovering from this tragedy and her feelings about taking Christina and never being able to take her home to her parents...it is deep, heartbreaking emotional stuff...I think everyone should give it a read HERE.

Gainin' On It (I Think)

2012-01-08T16:18:00.001-05:00

Photo Kathy Tomson

I think I am slowly beating or at least "gaining on" the fatigue by laying down to read and just nodding off for 15,20...25 minutes at a pop, 4 or 5 times a day. It doesn't sound like much but when you ad the 40-50 minutes I was already getting just trying to sleep and the combination seems to be enough to start something. The key is to keep plugging away.

That is where it can get overwhelming and begin to seem as if there isn't any any hope for the situation to change. I accept what I can get and move forward. I really look at it as what happens well roll with it and things are slowly improving. I am always reluctant because people wan't you to feel better so they are always saying "Oh you look so much better"...and so on. And some days they are right but deep mostly I am still really suffering.

I don't always want to be negative but if you tell them you are feeling better, even a little bit...in their mind your healed so they act funny when you tell them the following week you are still struggling....

But for now, we are making small gains and keeping the faith. K-Sue arrives tomorrow and we need a place for her to stay until she can get settle

I Caught A Lift On A STAR....

2012-01-08T03:29:00.001-05:00

It is Sunday morning, dawn...crisp, cold clear and I feel pretty good all things considered...I made it through the night alright though once again with out any hint of sleep. It does help, I've discovered...when one can catch a lift on a STAR.

The key I have learned is the importance of having a focus. It's about keeping your eyes fixed firmly on a purpose, a goal or task at hand. Making it through consecutive nights...er...weeks now without sleep seems more "doable"....ah, "survivable"...if you have you eyes firmly fixed on a set purpose.

Clearly GOD must be a focus for me at all times because this is a dangerous place to be for a guy in recovery: no sleep, extreme fatigue, etc...it gets much easier to let down one's guard when you are exhausted...yep, even after more then 5 years of sobriety.

That being said having immediate, physical tasks or goals helps a great deal as well. That is the "star" I'm referring to in the title. So what I'm really saying there is that i am OK making through the night, alone, exhausted, punchy, fever, etc when I have a task at hand to focus on...a star as it were to hitch my wagon to.

Last night I hitched my wagon to the toilet/bathroom cleaning "star" and made it through the night nicely in one piece emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually.

Interestingly, I now have the cleanest bathroom and kitchen floors and bedroom on the freakin' planet to show for all this sleeplessness!

DYING and Mixed Emotions.

2012-01-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure exactly how this post is going to go or where I may end up here but the passing of a friend tonight after a vicious fight with Cancer has me thinking some and feeling a great deal tonight.

In my nearly 50 years on the planet I have experienced death and dealing with death really from a very early age. I have had several shifts in my beliefs about what happens when people die and I've spent many years believing very strongly that I have walked the planet before, living several lives over the generations and the notion still gives me shivers to this day. Those belief's sure run counter to my views about dying and eternal life as a Christian...

I know that life and death are powerful experiences and many people do not deal with death or the loss of a loved one very well. I accept that dying is a natural part of life and as I mentioned I experienced the death of many friends and family as a young person...but I especially lost a lot of my friends as a teenager. That did not change as the kid became an adult....when you are a practicing addict, well that lifestyle actually promotes death by the risky behavior it encourages and especially when starting at such a young age.

I am not NUMB to death and it's emotions but there is a certain percentage of me it seems that just shuts down temporarily while the worst of the emotional hurt washes right over the top of me...then it seems to seep back in quietly after the fact when I am more capable of dealing with everything. I've often wondered if that has something to do with my PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and a way that I have naturally tried to reduce the impact of emotional pain.

I'm not sure but it is certainly a possibility....

MUSIC: The Language Of GOD

2012-01-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

Last night I came across this video on FaceBook...It is a Musician, Carlos Whitaker playing one of his songs (God Of Second Chances) on the street when a homeless guy wanders in and joins him. They say it isn't staged and frankly it doesn't really appear to be but even if it was it is an incredible moment.

It is not the first time I have witnessed what appears to be a magical musical moment where words and music come together seemingly on their own to create something DIVINE. In my opinion...this qualifies. It's GOD speaking in his very own language.

Honestly I don't think that the notion or idea of music as some sort of universal language would generate much argument from people....most folks seem incredibly moved by song and the power of music. One of the focuses of my church next to reading the word and prayer is song and music....all of it biblically grounded.

I'll admit though I love music and love to sing (by myself or at best with K-Sue present) I was greatly intimidated by how much they sing not only during church services (probably 25-30% of the service if not more) but at almost any given situation. When K-Sue and I were baptized (me last spring, Kim this past summer) we sang before the baptism....I am no longer bothered or intimidated by it and really feel motivated to sing out now.

I don't know...but there is something, there always WAS something universal and all powerful about music...and this video serves as just another small example of how that happens...hope you enjoy it too.

JAILS, INSTITUTIONS...DEATH

2012-01-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

In my last post I laid out the premise that we who were in recovery have to completely....often drastically change the way we live in order to survive and perhaps even thrive in recovery. When I originally sat down to write that post what I had intended to write about was how being ill or injured or pushed to exhaustion really affects a persons ability to focus on their recovery making them very vulnerable, in my opinion...to relapse...

I have really experienced this first hand the last month or so. And the reasons are really quite obvious...when ever you are NOT focused 100% to growing in your recovery: Spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically...well it is my experience that you FAIL. Failure in this line 'O work often means Jails, Institutions or quite frequently...DEATH.

It isn't a joke...It's really not and it is something I take quite seriously. The other day when I was meeting with my family doctor, I disagreed with him because he doesn't see how this fatigue to this degree impacts recovery. It was starting to get dangerous for me this not sleeping at all and having him seemingly dismiss it until some sleep test at the end of January gets done...I can't wait a freakin' MONTH to SLEEP!

I have learned in recovery and as a person with many permanent injuries requiring life time care from a physician that you have to do the work...they don't really know whats going on and they are really just human. I think most mean well and work hard but they are not MAGIC and they are only as good as the information they get from you. It was critical for me to be open and honest with my doctors but to also be assertive...especially when they start to prescribe.

But that is what I'm dealing with now...maintaining my recovery and staying healthy during this "other" health crisis. I just thought I'd share that because it is definitely not something a lot of people are aware of...OK, that's all for now folks. I am trying to get on track here recovery wise and figure out the healthiest and most effective way to proceed plus pass that info on to others who may be experiencing similar things....good luck!

Desperately Trying To Avoid blowing Smoke Out Me BUM!

2012-01-06T17:40:00.000-05:00

Most of us recovering Alcoholic/Addicts, myself included...had to make major changes in the way we lead our lives. Our life styles, diets, jobs, marriage... nothing is sacred. Some folks find sobriety through 12 step programs like AA some have profound spiritual experiences..there are many ways that it happens. But for this post the important part here is that I had to make many major changes in the way I lived my daily life.

I follow certain recovery guidelines in my life these days based primarily with improving myself while at the same time no longer needing to drink or drug: meditate, read and have gone through significant spiritual transitions.

It is my personal belief that I could not have found even daily victory (one day at a time) over addiction with out a spiritual conversion. Some people will argue, that is fine but for me...the dependence on a GOD of my understanding ultimately is what brought all the various pieces together to give me a life back, albeit...one day at a time.

Other people have had different experiences and I'll let them speak for themselves. Who am I to say this way I experienced is the ONLY WAY? I really do NOT know that....I have no idea how GOD chooses to save people...I know in my heart what he wants me to do and I focus 1005 on doing that. That is all I can do....

Gotta Wait Awhile

2012-01-06T13:42:00.003-05:00

Whoa...I could easily mistake this for an mid-spring day, around 50 with no hint of rain (or snow), it's just plain bright and sunny. Very nice! I actually manufactured a few reasons to tinker around the garage across the street.

I don't really feel poorly other then physically....really my attitude is very good I'm just exhausted. I have captured all this exhaustion in my memory and as soon as can get myself together Ill write a detailed post but I am too tired and scattered to write.

I'll have to be patient and try later...

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

When Talking BIOPSY"s Negative Is GOOD!

2012-01-05T20:32:00.004-05:00

I just received a call from my surgeon tonight and the biopsy came back negative on the Esophagus...so that is good definitely awesome news!

I meet him the 16th to discuss some other options because we still have some work to do but this was and is a really good piece of news going into the winter...

Recovery Rememberances....

2012-01-05T17:15:00.000-05:00

I don't know man...maybe I'm starting to feel better or at least I'm getting used to this Merry Mess that I call my LIFE right now with it's little to NO sleep, Cancer Scare, lousy health, concerns about Kim's un-employment, etc. With all of that going on I still think about my recovery all the time...every day really with out failure.

I want to quote what I consider one of the most powerful sections from the book Alcoholic's Anonymous, AA's "BIG BOOK" or general text for recovery following the 12 steps of AA. I personally consider this book and it's program an absolutely essential tool in the world of addiction and alcoholism recovery today. This quote has always haunted me....mainly because of my natural ability to relate to it as it is...I have BEEN in the exact PLACE this quote is talking about and though I was so sick I couldn't function.

Here we go..this comes from page 152 of the Book Alcoholics Anonymous: "He (the Alcoholic) cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. The he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place...He will wish for the end."

But I felt that way...I couldn't take another drink (or drug)...I was dying yet I HAD to drink...it was the only way to beat the DEMONS off my doorstep...drink, my sweet friend alcohol who TURNED on me with a vengeance, demanding my life.

And it was also SPOT-ON about loneliness because I had NEVER felt so freaking alone before....this was all critical to my eventually throwing in the towel and giving up, letting God in to take me away.

I suggest to anybody who is struggling with alcoholism or drugs to read at least the first 163 pages of the BIG BOOK...you won't regret it. You might not get it...might not be ready but you will not regret IT.

The Illness is Good For Something...

2012-01-05T08:30:00.001-05:00

Hey Shell Shock Readers...regulars mainly but any others too...this will come as a complete SHOCK I know but I haven't been feeling well lately. I KNOW, I KNOW it's a huge surprise...

My cable TV was acting up yesterday so I ended up having to call CHARTER Cable to come and check it out. Well if anyone else has had that experience it typically is a real hassle getting through and getting something set up for a repair. Unless your can't sleep and you are calling them at 3a like I did last night. man they were so efficient, ran some tests and scheduled a repair...I'm waiting for them now.

The pic above I took looking out over Coldwater Lake this morning just before sunrise and I thought I'd share it. More later folks....

Just The Facts

2012-01-04T17:35:00.000-05:00

Most readers hear at the Shock know the basics of my story. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, survived rape at age 12, Attempted suicide the week before I finally got sober, I've believed in reincarnation since I was a little boy when I dreamed of fighting and dying as a British Soldier on the Western Front of the GREAT WAR. And though I always sort of believed in a God I figured that he never believed in me and I mocked Christians and Christianity.

I eventually had a profound spiritual experience in late January of last year and became a Christian. My entire life has changed but there has been some adversity... a great deal of it actually.
Most readers hear at the Shock know the basics of my story. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, survived rape at age 12, Attempted suicide the week before I finally got sober, I've believed in reincarnation since I was a little boy when I dreamed of fighting and dying as a British Soldier on the Western Front of the GREAT WAR. And though I always sort of believed in a God I figured that he never believed in me and I mocked Christians and Christianity.

I eventually had a profound spiritual experience in late January of last year and became a Christian. My entire life has changed but there has been some adversity... a great deal of it actually.

Right now I am looking at the very real possibility of having Cancer and if I don't, the threat is not just going to go away...no I'll live with Barrett's Esophagus Disease until the day I die.

I posted last night at the bottom of a post that a friend is dying of Cancer...literally at this moment he is losing this fight and may not see the sun set this evening. It's a really sad situation because he is married and has kids. He also happens to be a public figure in our community (Public Safety Director...like the Chief of Police) and is well known and very well liked person, It's hard to explain or understand this kind of thing and why it happens.

I am enduring my own worry and pain right now but that is enough writing for me at this point....

It's MADNESS & It's NOT!

2012-01-04T16:52:00.000-05:00

You know what? I really don't want to write another post about overcoming hardship and adversity. About taking what ever happens and making the best of it. Taking things one day at a time, working hard and staying positive.....

You may be puzzled by this post, my dear reader. And you may wonder WHY I don't want to write about these things again. The answer is simple...I'm SICK of the adversity...it's wearing thin, it's breaking me down and combined with the extreme exhaustion/fatigue and illness I'm closer then I'd like to falling completely to pieces.

There is faith yes...and I do have faith and I still believe things happen for a reason, that somehow this all makes sense in a different time, place or situation....I have to decide if I am well enough to venture out tonight to meet with a small group over at a friends house. I think the answer is obvious.

I think I'll just stop here because honestly I was going to really just whine and complain...I don't want to go there...this can be overcome and there is a lesson I'm sure to be learned.

The struggle is why so much PAIN? Why the heartache? GOD...hasn't there been enough? Why punish people who are trying to COME TO YOU LORD, not run away? That is the question...

IT Was YOU All Along...

2012-01-04T08:07:00.002-05:00

Thanks GOD...
Man I really don't know what else to say except Thank You for saving me from myself. My entire life was focused on anything and I mean ANYTHING and EVERYTHING except on YOU. I acted like I was GOD...Obviously I wasn't and I'm not. I am but merely a man...flawed, sinful, deceitful by nature...so very weak without YOUR strength.

In the depths of my worst trials/troubles, I begged for MERCY...for you to help me, to get me out of the difficulty I'd gotten myself in (AGAIN). And on those occasions when you did...I still DENIED that it was YOU who helped me. I mocked you and those who chose to FOLLOW YOU. I would immediately forget about YOU the second my trouble passed and I no longer "needed" your help. I was a complete sinful, mess LORD yet you still loved me.

And somehow...deep in the depths of my scarred and battered SOUL...I always knew you were there. And in your boundless MERCY, LOVE and GRACE...you sent your one and only SON here to earth to take a bullet for me and all of those sinners like ME. He died so we all could be FORGIVEN.

What else can I say: Thank You God!

It's DEFAULT FONT BABY!!!!

2012-01-03T20:49:00.002-05:00

As I sit down to write a post in BLOGGER, I use their template which sets up the format in which I write. One of the things I have always liked to do is frequently change the font and size of the text I'm using. I have noticed but never used the top choice "De..fault Font" so tonight I am writing this in the mysterious, almost magical DEFAULT FONT. I even feel special tonight...well I always do because Jesus Loves me and THIS I KNOW but even more special then I normally do....

I wonder if there is such a thing as a "Default Mood" for human beings...like your too tired to be really cheerful and don't want to be a jerk so you just switch into the Default Mood Mode (DMM) and are just pleasant, quiet...not in the way.

Of course the down side to that is somebody else like a spouse or boss somehow getting control of your default switch and controlling you like a robot. I know....where in the heck do I get this STUFF from and frankly I think I'd rather not know...

I just want to take a second and mention that a friend of mine and a fellow member of my church is losing his fight with Cancer o the MOUTH. He isn't expected to live. I hate this disease with a passion! But tonight isn't a night for anger...NO, it's a night for prayer: I am thinking and praying for you my Brother Brett and for Lori too...God Bless You!

WAITING FOR THE MAN...er, DOCTOR

2012-01-03T16:56:00.002-05:00

I pulled the plug on the reading ministry for tonight at the church...they are having the Church's Annual Meeting at the same time and it didn't seem like we were going to have anyone there so I stayed home where quite frankly I needed to be in the first place. So it worked out for the best but I don't like my health messing up my volunteer work one bit.

I still did not here from the DOC (Doctor) about my biopsy results and now he is gone for the day. It bothers me but there isn't much I can do and worrying won't help.

One of the things that I have found most difficult when dealing with an illness like this where there is some serious uncertainty about the seriousness of it. But the symptoms themselves are quite serious and painful. You bet that definitely has gotten my attention. I hope then we can find out what the heck's going on.....OK more later after big, brimming cups of Strong COFFEE!

Pleased To Report...

2012-01-03T06:52:00.004-05:00

Well, I just had one of those "Twilight Zone" type moments that typically happen to me once in a blue moon but since I've become an exhausted, sleep deprived WRECK of a human being now happen several times a day, tee hee...

I had completed an entire morning post...pics and all. I thought I brought it online yet...it was was no where to be found.

So this is the post dear reader that you will get this morning...and it is a pretty good morning.

I did not sleep at all but I definitely feel less stress and more serene. And it amazes me how much I notice that slight reduction in the way I feel. So I'm going to look at this as progress and lay down to try and catch a few more winks.....

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

Yard Sale For The Damned

2012-01-02T21:53:00.004-05:00

+

-
It has taken me the better part of my current lifetime to realize that it's all really just an illusion...we truly are living on borrowed time. My body...borrowed and thank goodness too 'cause she's about worn right out, haha! Yea, Yea...I realize I had a lot to do with that because of the lifestyle I chose to follow (er, perhaps it actually CHOSE me...the alcoholism I mean....).

I went to the DOC (Doctor) today and there was some significant snow coming down as I made my way into town but of course it never really amounted to much when it was all over...just more "Storm Team-Weather Event" hype by the local TV News Stations. But early on the snow was heavy and roads were bad so I ran to the store for my mom before I went to my appointment so she wouldn't have to venture out.

As I was wandering around the home of wayward carnival workers (WALMART)...I couldn't help but feel that I was attending some sort of cosmic Yard Sale for the DAMNED. So sorry Walmart...I have always just had creepy feelings about your stores...I imagine in the realm of the "big picture" that you probably couldn't care less that I feel this way because I
still show up and give you my money, so what difference does it make, eh!? .

So tonight, as I sit and ponder this nonsense, I can't help but think that perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about it at all because doing so is just to dang risky right now! What if I literally overload my exhausted Brain and it just implodes...or shuts down completely. I am treading on some virgin soil here never having been this exhausted and mentally depleted before. And that IS the way I feel: MENTALLY...that is emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritual DEPLETED, wrung out, played out, used up...DRY, the well is dry.

Who knows truly, what the answer really is for me this evening? So I must then conclude that there is NO answer tonight...certainly no EASY WAY OUT. Accepting that as I must in my half-lidded, semi-conscious state of exhaustion I bid each and every read adieu...a friendly farewell until next time.

I'd Rather DIE...er, TWITCH!

2012-01-02T15:28:00.001-05:00

I know, I know...for a guy who has made repeated statements as of late about not wanting to just whine about my health day after day...I sure have been writing about my health enough...more then enough! But It's what is happening in my life right now and it is really affecting me physically because I literally have not slept more then a few minutes here or there at a time each day for the last 3 weeks.

I am totally exhausted and I mean that literally. I have never experienced such deep seated FATIGUE. I am really frightened where the intensity of this experience has ALREADY taken me physically...where it may lead psychologically...well terrified is the only word that comes to mind.

I met with my personal physician this morning because at the end of last week my surgeon wanted me to have my DOC prescribe something for anxiety because I had an incident on the operating table where I began to feel quite anxious as I was waiting for the procedure to begin and my heart rate spiked to 145. I told them that when I lay down I experience the sensation that my throat constricts and I can't swallow, bring up saliva and it affects my breathing. That is why I haven't slept in so long.

Of course there is more to this...much more then I could fit into this blog but that's the gist of it. The surgeon I'm sure was thinking Xanax or Ativan, something a patient can take as needed. He should have known better because I have told him, in great detail that I am in recovery. My personal DOC, though I just started going to him (and her, they are a husband/wife team but she is on Maternity Leave right now) knew that and prescribes an Anti-Depressant over the phone.

Well I have a long, nasty and unpleasant history with Psychiatric Drugs...especially anti-depressant's and my dilemma right now is whether I should try it. I really do not want to and am taking the day and night to meditate a pray about it. I am very torn...I am skeptical about any benefit and do not want to get on any long term commitment type medication again.

One of the good things that have come out of this recent dilemma about medication is I like how my DOC handled this medication thing...not just prescribing Xanax which he could have easily done. But I still realize that ultimately I am responsible for what goes into my body and alcoholic/addicts are notorious for finding all sorts of ways to justify taking drugs I should avoid as a person in recovery. Still he was on top of his game, that makes my life easier when your physician is at least partially on the same page!

Today is technically New Years Day...at least as far as the College bowl games are concerned. There are 7 games total including at 5p the Rose Bowl with Wisconsin against Oregon...I'm stoked so I'm getting ready to settle down to watch some FOOTBALL. So I am going to leave this anti-depressant thing for a while and enjoy the day.

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

Wretched Excuse For Nonsense .///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

2012-01-01T15:36:00.001-05:00

There are certainly events and time periods in my life where it does begin to seem like something "bigger," and more mysterious (Read: like GOD or KARMA or Batman's "JOKER") seems to be directing the events taking place in my life. And I don't mean like we need to let go and let God take charge kind of thing...no I mean something more akin to an evil villain, diabolically directing things from behind the scenes (Like the JOKER in a BATMAN Movie)and trying to make my life as miserable as possible while he DESTROYS ME!!!

Well I'm sort of kidding about that but not completely...it does seem like the timing of a lot of this CRAP I am dealing with such as my health couldn't be worse...almost like Our EVIL Villain is "piling on the pain" when it isn't necessary...Dude, you already have my attention...what do you need from me now...my SOUL? Oddly the answer to that question is more then likely...YES.

I realize this seems like a lot of Pie in the sky stuff for many folks but after so many of my life experiences....I don't think I can really question it...I need to keep the focus off of ME and "MY PROBLEMS" BooHoo!! And keep focused on living my life for HIM...ultimately I don't see it as "my life" anymore anyway...it is HIS life.

DINNER calls so I'll leave this topic on the table and may continue, revisit or ignore it like I never wrote the dang thing, lol!

And more often then not in this day to day existence I get that and understand the concept completely but it's not uncommon sometimes when life seems harder then it should be, when I take my eyes OFF GOD and discouragement sets in that I wander off track and find myself mired in BDD's (Black Dog Day's...otherwise known as DEPRESSION). But it passes...

Today I feel discouraged not so much because of my own siruation with my health and pain that not only is not improving but getting worse....

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

Requiem For A HOLLOW HEART

2012-01-01T00:45:00.000-05:00

She was MY vagrant QUEEN...her spot under the bridge now so vacant...it creates a vacuum of collected, marketed then forsaken SOULS for Sale....a Yard Sale for the DAMNED.

Ghostly soft pearl...colour skin...blankets of SNOW...WHITE for succor....black for ROT...A Ritualistic BURIAL Plot...'Tis A Soliloquy for a SILENT SON.

He retires to tire....a lifetime of forlorn desire
A race run only AFTER it was Finished....

Go Ahead...Eat The Chocolate' Bunny Ears, Rodney!

2011-12-31T21:33:00.001-05:00

"He's not all there...' yet here he is....seemingly "ALL THERE". Mind lucid, functional...no drool running down his chin...just a few subtle hints of bruising left when he...er, I passed out and fell face first into the edge of the door and then crumpled to the floor. Geez, I jumped up and looked around to see if anyone saw me then realized I was in my bedroom, it was 2am and everyone in the house was sacked out!

That is my latest fun and games activity: Falling down exhausted....I did it twice (at least that I remember) last night...the fore-mentioned door frame/floor incident, then earlier in the evening...I just toppled to the floor while standing up in my room. Add this to the countless times I have fallen face forward onto my desk or computer keyboard.

I just don't understand how I can be THAT tired but when I lie down I cannot even begin to sleep or even relax. It is really affecting my ability to concentrate, to reason, think and remember. It's frightening....

The other day when I had the stomach scope done the nurses had me prepped on the table and we had to wait for the doc. Well my throat thing started to act up, where I felt like I couldn't swallow. My pulse went up to 145 and freaked the nurse out so they called the doc and he zapped me as soon as he came in. I thought it was good that a doctor aar leass He wanted my personal Doc to write me a script for some something to calm the nerves....Well I just can't really do that, because of my being an addict...I have to be careful. I talked to the nurse, they sent in a script and it turned out to be for a anti-depressant....NO WAY! So I have an appointment Monday but Ach....I don't know what we can do but i have NO LIFE right now.

I cannot go out and do anything outside the house hardly...I can barely go for a walk..

Ironically as I write this my buddy texts me and asks how I'm doing. I tell him basically what I'm writing here and he asks if i want to come over. he lives less then 10 min away. Soooooooo....I'm breaking out of this cage and fly for awhile. Just hope K-Sue doesn't read this cause she'll freak about me driving at night when I'm so out of it....Hey, I'm an ex-drunk...I can drive! Seriously...I'm OK for a short drive off the island 2 miles then 2 miles after that. Later...

RELAX! I Just Like Cemeteries...

2011-12-31T18:21:00.001-05:00

I realize that I have used a lot of pictures of cemeteries lately to illustrate my posts. NO, I do not have a death wish and double NO, I am not morbidly fascinated with death and dying either. I have always found cemeteries beautiful...especially military cemeteries. Most of the recent pics are courtesy of the American Battlefield Monuments Commission and their FaceBook Page. Mostly taken in France and Belgium they are mainly Great War Cemeteries (WWI) though there are some WWII represented as well.

Arlington Tomb Of The Unknown

The British Great War Cemeteries on the Somme and at Ypres are the most beautiful I have ever seen along with Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, DC.The pictures I have included in this post are from Arlington.

I am not just attracted to military cemeteries...one of the reasons I loved to visit Boston so much was the historical cemeteries they have there like the Old Granary Cemetery right downtown. John Hancock, Paul Revere and Samuel Adams are all buried here in this little cemetery surrounded by high rise modern buildings....very cool.

Old North Church

There are historic cemeteries all over the city and another cool one near the Old North Church which itself just oozes history. I would love to attend a candle light service in this church. As you can see from the pic above this church has Boxes as opposed to pews and each family bought their box...not sure if it is still that way or not...

As most regular or semi-regular readers to Shell Shock will realize the pics I post often have nothing what so ever to do with the subject of the post...though some times they do. And I tend to follow trends I set say for Impressionist Painting which I have been posting a lot of lately.

I also have some friends here locally that tinker with taking PHOTOS so I post them as well. Basically the rule of them is if I happen to like the pic, then I post it. And there could be a million reasons a picture or painting. If it MOVES me well then I post it regardless if it has anything at all to do with the content of the original post.

I hope that clears up any questions about my "supposed" morbid fascination with death and dying and such! Nope I just look at them as beautiful pictures...art-works really and post whatever floats me boat....so that right there is what this is all about...me floating ME BOAT.

TOPPLED Over TOMMY

2011-12-31T14:07:00.001-05:00

Self worth...Ach, what is that really...self worth? I mean yea, I get that it has something to do with how I feel about myself, how I VALUE me. But seriously, what difference does what I think of myself really make. Does that single set of feelings related to how I feel about me at one moment in time really have that much power over what I truly am as a human being and do I actually NEED that assurance of good self-esteem to help me make it through...

Don't get me wrong...I certainly think it is important that we feel OK with who and what we are. Feeling hateful and disgusted with one's self is no satisfying way to live. I just think society may put too much emphasis on "self esteem" much like we do on beauty and that the pay off for having great "self esteem" isn't really that great. We obviously want to avoid self-hatred but being able to detect flaws about one's self and point them out which is often taken as a negative "self-esteem" thing to me is actually a huge positive.

Now after saying all that I will admit that today...for the first time in I couldn't tell you how long I thought about wanting to die. Not some big suicide wish but I am TIRED to the very CORE of my BEING...I am at the end of my proverbial rope, I'm done, finis' Kaput. I've depleted all my internal PHYSICAL resources. I can't eat well enough to replenish that energy supply...I have been existing of FAITH, PRAYER and ICE CREAM for two solid days now because it's all I can stomach.

I managed to read to the ladies at the nursing home and I haven't a clue how I got through that. I am too exhausted to do anything...I mean anything. Some one asked me today if I had plans for tonight, New Years Eve and I just laughed...I'd SLEEP, if I could!

Now don't get me wrong folks...I am NOT suicidal but I am feeling desperate, I am really hurting physically as well. Whenever I have ever gotten this fatigued before my physical ailments pain increases and today is definitely a painful day.

I am struggling to write coherent sentences so I am going to stop for now...Needless to say I have no plans tonight and couldn't carry them out if I did so it's just as well. So long for now...

Pre-FLIGHT

2011-12-31T07:55:00.001-05:00

I have 15 minutes until I fly (leave for town)...it's Saturday morning and I head over to M-Ville to read the Bible to some Senior Citizen Residents at a Care Facility (Nursing Home). This is one of my favorite things I do all week and it is also something that is starting to be affected negatively by my health and frankly...that is pissing me off!

Oh well, what can one do but persevere and that is fully what I intend to do. I had a SKYPE call from my son a few minutes ago and he was calling from his phone...how freaking cool is that, eh?! I have the App and the capability on my PDA so I need to get that up and running as well.

OK...time to fly. I'll have plenty of time today to post...I have NO plans for tonight (New Years Eve) so once I get back from visiting a shut-in from church after my M-Ville time then I have NOTHING happening at all....so we'll see you then!

Time Does Not Bring Relief; You Have All Lied

2011-12-30T15:25:00.001-05:00

I am going to do something a bit unusual for me here and post a poem that I just read for the first time today. It is a poem called - Sonnet 02:Time Does Not Bring Relief; You All Have Lied and it was written by Edna St. Vincent Millay. Frankly I feared this work was going to actually capture, permanently...a large chunk of my "Pained" SOUL and scurry away with it but in the end...I fought the GOOD FIGHT and prevailed (lost).

My reaction to it...sudden, dramatically more emotional then I expected or was prepared for...was seeing it as an EPIC SONNET about LOSS and moving on. Ever lose someone...THE someone of a lifetime? Yea? YEA....

I have...TWICE. The first time was this angel in lace and leather, scarves flowing every which way just like her hair...she died...18 and so full of life. "Too full of life to live"...I remember thinking at the time: That was the 28th of January 1981...Rest in PEACE my dear DEBBIE.

The second time...well this one didn't DIE, NO...she grew up...and just flew....flew away. My thoughts and feelings toward her are quite conflicted still and totally unresolved. I certainly LOVED her...yes, no doubt but her deceit nullify's and actually invalidates some of the remembrance...OK...she doesn't count...errrr, I suspect in some strange way she absolutely does..

So I'll re-phrase this...Yes I have experienced this kind of loss...once...perhaps 2 times in my life.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide

There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,—so with his memory they brim
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him

I'll let her work speak now for itself...

Sirens In The NIGHT

2011-12-30T12:20:00.002-05:00

I know I am dating myself now but when I was a kid it was not uncommon on Sunday Nights (at least in Columbus OH it was SUNDAY) for the show "The World At War" to be on. As most of you know I am an historian by choice NOT by trade and I was (and still am) absolutely fascinated in shows about historic events and Word War II was one of my favorites. Laurence Olivier narrated it and it was 26 one hour episodes long. A dream series for a budding young history guy like me...

But the funny this is that what I remember most about the show was first of all the haunting music that often went along with it. Lot's of cello and minor key pieces that went well with the black and white footage. Secondly and most interesting that it's stuck with me was the sound of the air raid siren, often played during the episodes about the Battle of Britain and The Blitz.

I have often said that there is a soundtrack to my life and it is even more true today then ever before. Generally what I always meant by that is that there was always some relevant piece of music or song that represents an era or time period for me...well that siren from TWAW (The World At War) certainly has been an active sound bite in my minds eye over all these years.

When I was very troubled psychologically after my suicide attempt the first time (yea there was more then one but only one came really close to succeeding) I could actually hear that siren (obviously in my mind) when I was in trouble, wailing at times all night long in the darkened corners of my TROUBLED mind. Even last night as I struggled for rest I could seemingly hear it in the distance and wondered if the German Bombers were going to get through. My room wasn't bombed so the RAF Fighter Boys must have held them off....

I don't know where this weird relationship with me and music and/or sirens comes from....I certainly don't feel like a lunatic but I swear the sound is real....and haunting.

DRIFTER

2011-12-29T22:36:00.002-05:00

Here....there...somewhere between here and there...I'm drifting. Jimi Hendrix says it just right in one of my favorite songs of his called DRIFTING from A Cry Of Love:

Drifting
On a sea of forgotten teardrops
On a lifeboat
Sailing for
Your love

Sailing home

Drifting
On a sea of old heartbreaks
On a lifeboat
Sailing for
Your love
Sailing home

I always loved the line: "On a sea of forgotten teardrops"...As if any tears I'd shed in my past could have EVER been forgotten...they're seared into my very SOUL.

There is just something about the notion of drifting today that resonates...it could even be physical because I am so tired that I feel almost like a boat adrift...going here, going there...wherever the wind or current of the day may take me. I will add that this is NOT a common or comfortable way for me to feel but today...I am too fatigued to FIGHT IT.

HAMMERHEAD's Got A NAME!

2011-12-29T20:21:00.000-05:00

I come from a family...well actually I have a father that for one reason or another is not satisfied to use a person's actual name...he always has a nickname. That has made life around the house ever since I can remember somewhat interesting because quite frankly...no one was immune.

I was NEVER just Thom or Tommy...nope. On a good day I might be Thomas Olin (my middle name) spoken as one single word: Thomasolin. But normally I was Isaiah, Zacchaeus, Bubby-Boy and honest to God he called me Shit-Head for a long time...especially around my friends.

My mother's latest nickname every morning when Dad gets up is "Miss Daisy" though sometimes it's miss Peabody...an old standby. My son is FROGGY, daughter...Chelser, Chelsea Bleu or Chelsea Cheeseburger. It was easy for him to come up with one for K-Sue since she is from Holland: DUTCH...she happens to be full blooded Dutch as well with both of her parents immigrating from the Netherlands after the WAR (WWII).

Needless to say...I have been exposed to this "name thing" all of my life so I have picked up on it as well...an example being Kim's daughter Mackenzie is now Mackaroo or Mackey to me and never her plain "ole name" as it were.

The thing in all of this is all my life I was a kid who wanted a cool nickname...not one of my fathers (Shithead! Are you serious?!!) but something my friends would give me or a football coach...never happened.

Then through a bizarre situation during a week long work seminar a flustered seminar group leader unwittingly laid a nickname on me...

There were a group of 6 or 7 of us that were sent to a seminar/learning week to study the Toyota Production System and Lean Manufacturing. The week started off in an auditorium setting, there were a hundred or so folks there. We were at tables facing the speakers and they provided us with these folded cards that stood up in front of us on the table so the speakers/leaders/lecturers could see our names. So I wrote my name, THOM down on the name card and put it out front of me.

Well the leader of the whole weeks activities could not get it through his Hard-Head that my name was Thom and not THOR. Needless to say all week long this poor guy called me THOR...he was psyched out and couldn't help himself. Finally on Thursday I got a new card and wrote THOR on it and miraculously he called me THOM!

Needless to say my buddies from Herman Miller who attended this with me had a freaking field day all week calling me THOR at the bar after hours, teasing me and this guy about it mercilessly.

So now my dear readers you know exactly HALF of the story how I got my blog/pen name THORMOO. The Moo prt actually is a story that belongs to another person...perhaps one day I will but at this point in time, I do not feel at liberty to share her story.

Hammer Head is a self given name I call myself because I can be a complete Hammer-Head about so many things. So that is my interesting (or NOT!) little ditty tonight about the significance of nicknames in my family....Hoped you enjoyed it, haha.

To Lazy To Title This...

2011-12-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

Once again it seems I am pushing the very limits of exhaustion...and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am right up against it...teetering between reality and hallucination...I am definately walking around now in a semi-sleep state...this morning (2:30am), I caught myself walking out the front door....the frigid , snowy night air I think woke me up.

Man do I need some sleep! Ach! I am getting rather sick of this crap and it only seems to be getting worse.

Today I am able to stay indoors and just rest...though I haven't been able to sleep I have gotten a lot of stuff done and stayed off my feet a bit. I am going to have a bagel here in a minute then crash...I will try for a serious post a wee bit later....

The FOLLY

2011-12-28T20:26:00.002-05:00

Though It won't reveal the true nature and hardship of HIS ordeal, a quick glance into the vacant EYES staring back from the mirror, with all the depth of darkness surrounding his SOUL, does sound a siren song that all JOY, once the prevalent feature in life...has now retreated south...for EVER.

A Vacant Vagrant reviled for his love of vice...twists the twine
that ended the struggle and now he swings wistfully to & fro
in the evening breeze. A Human Wind Chime

And no sane participant in this lifetime will survive...for sanity is the first and final casualty of the FOLLY we call LIFE. Only the dead endure forever...

Touched By MADNESS

2011-12-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

I actually think I'm going to be able to write here without passing out onto my keyboard...

I have dealt with many difficult things in this current life of mine...some of them are the obvious things I've written a lot about here: being raped, alcoholism/addiction and Depression (My Black Dog). But as I alluded to the other day I recently admitted that someone I am VERY close to has a serious mental illness and I am completely at loss as to what I should do.

It's like I have been "TOUCHED" by this evil and very powerful unseen entity. It is almost as if there are multiple people and the person I am close to just disappear's when these other personalities intervene and take over. They do not seem to me anyway like a whole new separate person but the language, attitude and behavior is completely different in each one but there is a common denominator which is a penchant for cruelty...being cruel, wanting to provoke, to hurt.

This is a behavior that is in such contrast to the true nature and personality of this person that I cannot accept that this is happening. Yesterday I was involved in a terrible exchange that led to some of the most hurtful things being said to me followed by her punching me in the face on 2 separate occasions....

I have never felt so powerless to help someone in my whole life> I have seen the most hopeless addict/alcoholics find recovery and peace but I can't see that happening here, I just can't. It isn't my nature to "write people off" but this mental illness seems like such an insurmountable object to conquer right now that all I can truly do is pray....so prayer it is!

The EC...It's a Bad MOTHER...(Shut Your Mouth)

2011-12-27T21:07:00.000-05:00

I think I'll just go ahead and post what we found out today after undergoing the stomach scope to check how everything looks post-surgery in May, do a biopsy on the Barretts Esophagus and just photograph and do a status report on the disease.

The biopsy results will take awhile so we'll have to wait a bit but he was not happy at all with what he found. The Barretts has really spread and the affected areas are much worse then they were. It is bad enough right now that if the biopsies come back NEGATIVE on Cancer he wants me to have another stomach surgery where they use lasers to strip the damaged areas clean of the diseased material. It is a rather difficult and uncommon surgery but he is really concerned that is I don't have cancer already, that it may just be a matter of time....

If I do have Cancer, well it's Chemo/Radiation and the whole 9 yards... Esophageal Cancer (EC) is BAD, Bad Stuff, really bad and I am not going to waste any time or energy describing or talking about it right now. If it happens then I'll deal with it.

I'll be honest here...I have not had a good feeling about this, I just haven't. I'm not being negative or throwing in the towel, yet I feel it's likely that I have cancer based on the way I feel. And it is hard to even begin to describe how poorly I actually do other then there are times that I feel like I am dying on the inside.

It is a matter of faith now, I trust that whatever happens I won't be alone and we will just have to do whatever it takes to combat the disease if that is the diagnosis. Even if the initial result isn't cancer...it is still obvious that the Doc is concerned because he has already insisted that I see a specialist and have this other surgery right away. As long as I have known him, Doc plays it conservative so his insistence on this other surgery right away did catch me a bit by surprise....

So that is the post procedure skinny on my procedure today. I will update as soon as I know whats up. Yes, this is upsetting and I am afraid of what the future might hold but I trust GOD and we'll just keep pushing on. So we'll see you back here next time.....

Yea, Well Now I'm Annoyed

2011-12-27T09:08:00.002-05:00

I'm sure the post title gives away a bit of my emotion here but Achh, some folks could screw up a Wet Dream!

I was scheduled for a procedure/biopsy at the hospital for Noon today and was to arrive at 10:30a. So imagine my shock when I get out of the bathroom after washing up and found a message on my phone saying I missed my 9a procedure. It turns out the Doc wanted it changed and dqrid it with the hospital but nobody thought to inform the patient!

It's a bummer because I would have loved to get it over with...I have been fasting since midnight last night and I'm really struggling. Well I thought they were going to re-schedule which would have really upset me but instead they said to just go buy my earlier appointment schedule so that is what we are doing,

So Now that I'm all fired up and stressed out even more...I have to wait another couple of hours. We'll see you on the back side and let you know what happens. Until then....

The Sanity Of The INSANE or My Every Day DEAL!

2011-12-26T21:45:00.000-05:00

I mentioned the other day I was reading a book (An Unquiet Mind) by Kay Redfield Jamison about insanity...that is a clinical psychiatrists...one of the most renown here in the States who suffers from serious mental illness. And all the while she was writing the text and thesis of some of the most pronounced breakthroughs in this field in 50 years and for new treatments as well....she was in the throes of her own illness!

Kay Redfield Jamison

I can really relate to a great deal of what she has to say and what she experienced having pushed the limits of my own sanity through the use of drugs and alcohol. I recommend this book to anyone who has for anyone who has pushed themselves beyond the realm of "normal" psychologically.

I have another reason for my interest in this subject...someone whom I am very close to also suffers from mental illness so I am curious to take in as much information as I possibly can. In this particular persons case their diagnosis is a little different... instead of Manic Depression they suffer from Paranoid Personality Disorder. If your curious about it...you can look it up HERE.

At the risk of exposing this individual (and I simply cannot do that) I won't go into any real details about this situation but it's been going on for over 30 years and increasingly getting worse each and every year. I will say that it's absolutely heartbreaking and makes those of us who love this person feel hopeless that there is a cure because she does not believe there is a problem...in fact she believes the problem is that everyone else is out to "get" her, belittle her and make her feel less important then she really is...it's tragic.

So I am fascinated with this book on several personal levels and just because it is a fascinating subject....

Well I have 2.5 hours left before I have to fast for my procedure in the morning so I want to take advantage and chow down on something before I am unable to. So until later....

Laptop Keyboards Dislike Coffee...Just Sayin'!

2011-12-26T16:53:00.001-05:00

Other then dumping half a cup of coffee into my add on keyboard to my laptop...today has been a rather good day. And thank goodness it was an old, cheap extra keyboard and NOT the keyboard to my computer that I trashed. Perhaps things are turning a corner here after all.

I will admit that after the holidays, with my sister's family and all the distractions that go along with entertaining company have gone...my mind had turned to the thought of my biopsy and stomach scope tomorrow morning. Actually it was CANCER and the prospect that I may have it that is dominating my thoughts this evening. It has been helpful that Kimmi is here and going with me tomorrow.

I'm not obsessing or anything but the idea of cancer certainly entered my mind. I've had a chat with the CREATOR and all the forces man and nature cannot influence HIM if his mind is set in a certain direction. I can practice acceptance to his will and I do. Tomorrow will bring what it brings and after looking at my life up to this point and having seen how God can make a positive out of the most HORRIFIC negative situation...who am I to doubt or complain.

After midnight...I have to fast so I am going to enjoy some left-overs in the mean time and just try and rest. Needless to say I am not at all well, health-wise tonight. I had to back out of my commitment to the jail again tonight...it'd hard because once we are back with the inmates there isn't much of a chance to do basic things like use the bathroom which is an issue for a guy who goes to the bathroom like every twenty minutes or so...

Well...time for left-over turkey and a shower (not together of course!) and then watch the New Orleans Saints and my boy Drew Brees. Hey...if anyone is inclined, I sure would appreciate your thoughts and prayers tonight. I've learned the power the comes with prayer and I truly believe so

It's OVER!

2011-12-25T23:52:00.000-05:00

Well...that is the end of another Christmas Day. I sincerely wish everyone out there is Shell Shock-Ville had a wonderful holiday. It was a good day for our family and we got to spend some really, good quality time together....we had
So as far as Christmas 2011 is concerned...it was a success and it is officially OVER!

Christmas Day 2011

2011-12-25T05:28:00.001-05:00

Christmas Day 2011...

The funny thing is I remember what I felt like 10 years ago...the Christmas right after 9/11. Man they were still digging on the big pile of rubble at Ground Zero on Christmas Day. Things felt so uncertain, so FRAGILE in a world that seemingly had gone MAD.

And I don't think anything has really changed except that we as a people of this country just accept it now as the NORM and go on with our busy, distracted lives. As a result, we often miss the true meaning of life and in the process we let society's expectations and pressures plus TV ads suggest to us that in fact possessions and GREED are indeed the most important things in life...how terribly SAD and so misguided.

So as I sit here at the very early hour Christmas morning I choose to think of that baby that was born, MY Savior, Christ The LORD!

Rocket Man...err, SANTA

2011-12-25T00:44:00.002-05:00

Well, well it's Santa Claus time my friends....the dude has fired up the sleigh...I've heard he has one of those 3-wheeled Can Am SPYDER's like my Brother Chick has but I haven't verified that as of yet. We'll have to keep a look-out for the Brother as he makes his way round the world tonight...

It's after midnight so it is Christmas Day 2011. So MERRY FREAKIN" CHRISTMAS everyone! Here is hoping that YOU and YOURS have a ROCKING Day!

I just got home about a half an hour ago with K-Sue. It was about an hour each drive up I-69 to Battle Creek from where I live on Coldwater Lake to the Fire Keepers Casino right on I-94 in BC where I met Kim's Step-Mom and her Dad who dropped her off since her car is on the FRITZ again. How appropriate that I have been listening to a new station on Sat. Radio (XM) called the BONE YARD which is appropriate since her darn car belongs in the freaking BONE YARD as well.

Anyway...we are all here now safe and sound...er, maybe not sound...well I'm not sure how sound I am these days since I'm punchy as can be and probably should be committed to an institution...anyway, MERRY CHRISTMAS and we'll see you tomorrow...er, later today!

YEA...I'm Smiling Now.

2011-12-24T14:10:00.003-05:00

Man, I'm telling 'ya...I'm not sure what to think here. Around noon I closed my eyes for 50 minutes or so. That is about the best I can do these days and I obviously nodded off a bit and when I woke up to have a pee, I was really groggy and lethargic like I had slept all night. I was typically agitated because I was really counting on perhaps sleeping a bit better then I had so I was disappointed. But I will admit, after a shower and a bite to eat...I feel much better then I expected. I was hoping I might catch a second wind and it looks like I actually might...

That's particularly nice because we have company staying here and I'd like to be a fairly lucid and friendly, I am going to church on Christmas Eve for the first time since 1974 and I am going to have to drive to Battle Creek tonight to get K-Sue around Mid-night so I'd rather not nod off and DIE on the way there!

I think my spirits are on more solid ground as well...I know that I can't really do anything about this except try to sleep and eat healthy which I am doing. So we just persevere...when ever I use that word it reminds me of the movie: Outlaw Josie Wales with Clint Eastwood. Lone Watie the main Indian character in the story is recounting to Josie (Eastwood) how the government in Washington had given them special medals to wear for being "good Indians" and on the medal it said" Endeavor to Persevere" ...so that is what I think of when ever I use the word persevere. Come to think of it I also am reminded of it when I use the word endeavor as well..hahaha.

Night has fallen in most of Europe and the UK by now and Christmas is fast approaching. I have a great many SSS Blog Readers in Europe and I would be remiss if I didn't wish them a very Merry Christmas...I appreciate you all very, very much.

Now I am really in a good mood because "Wales" is by far my favorite movie of all time and thinking about it really at any time of day will make me smile and yep...I'm smiling now.

So my friends in Europe and the UK...Merry Christmas and have a wonderful and joyous night. And here in the States...things in the shopping realm are dying down, stores are closing and the holiday begins....Bless all of you my friends and thank you for returning to this craz, beautiful little blog...it means a great deal to me.

I love each and every one of you...Peace Always,

Thom

Morning Melody (Interrupted)

2011-12-24T07:55:00.000-05:00

It is hard to say whether I am actually feeling better or if it's just an illusion based on my stubborn refusal to quit....
That's a good question and one I can't honestly answer right now. I started this post an hour ago, got sidetracked and now I have to leave so it will be another wasted post..er...maybe.

I write Shell Shock to capture a life lived in recovery...not, as I'm sure you'll notice right off as a literary work. So that is why I post whatever I write, even if it's not written very well or is cut short like this piece is...

My mother woke up an immediately had a nerve issue with her back, as she has had a fusion surgery for a ruptured disk. She had what I refer to as an episode of the "JOLTS" where a nerve somewhere in there really starts to go hay-wire...it is something I have experienced myself many times but never have I seen it happen to somebody else. It LOOKS as painful as it is...and she looked very frightened which is difficult for me, as her so to handle. But we got her through, relaxed and comfortable....

Until I return from town...

Back In The Saddle (Kinda) since 1974

2011-12-24T02:30:00.000-05:00

Here am I...back at my favorite hour for blog post writing. So far I am able to remain lucid and functional...so far I say because I can feel it begin to slip away from me...ever so slowly.

My sister and her family arrived safely last night...and tonight I will have to drive up to Battle Creek around midnight and pick up K-Sue. It is the first time in the nearly 7 years that I have known Kim that we will actually spend Christmas Day together so I am stoked about that.

Everything is ready so there shouldn't be any last minute surprises but then again that is why they are called surprises because nobody expects them. I head over to the nursing home at 8a this morning to read from the Bible and I am really looking forward to doing that on Christmas Eve Day...it should be a real treat.

I am really going to try and push through my fatigue and not let it bother me no matter how little sleep I get today or tomorrow...we'll see how everything goes.

A "fun fact" this morning is that this afternoon at 5p I will be attending church for the first time on Christmas Eve since I was 12 years old (that's 1974!!! folks) and it turns out my whole family is going to services at my church at 5p instead of my parents church who has their service at 8p. My mom didn't want to go that late so she decided to go to Lockwood at 5p. This is the first time any member of my family is going to my church so it feels kind of surreal but good...really good.

We won't be having a white Christmas here in lower Michigan this year which is a bummer because we usually do so I'm spoiled. But temps will be in the upper 40's so it ain't happening...

Of course I had to throw a tease in with the photo showing a horse back rider on the beach...nice huh!??

Bummer (Super Short Post)

2011-12-23T04:24:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna give writing a post a whirl here but I don't have much faith that it will amount to much. This time of day used to be my favorite posting time by far now I can't focus or stay alert long enough to post.

Tonight (Friday) my sister's family arrives and I will say that I do like Christmas time though like a lot of folks the crass commercial exploitation of it turns me off...

But I do like having the family here together though it is rough sometimes because nether of my kids will be here this years...which is a bummer.

As I suspected...I can't stay focused enough to write a regular post and needless to say that is really pissing me off. Ach...

I Dig These Panty Hose

2011-12-22T15:27:00.001-05:00

I'm wearing Panty Hose and I'll be honest....I like it. Now if I could just get them to agree to let me wear black fish-net hose I'd be all set. OK...before this post gets totally outta-whack and imaginations run wild I'll clarify....I am wearing surgical compression stockings and they make my feet and calves feels so much better...it really does make a difference.

They weren't worth $50 bucks though...that is how much the Med supply store wanted for them and of course my Insurance wouldn't pay. Thankfully we have 8 pair here at the house so I found three pair of the knee high and man it makes a difference.

What a day...in addition to still not sleeping and having wasted my time at the doctor's office I guess it has been an OK day. Just to let you all know what kind of a crack-pot the author of this blog really is. So after 20 odd days in a row of not sleeping more then an hour or so each day what do i decide to start reading?

I'm glad you asked. I am reading an amazing book by Dr Kay Redfield Jamison called: "An Unquiet Mind - Memoir of Moods And Madness". She is a Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University and one of the foremost authorities on manic-depressive disorder from which she also suffers...That's right, she actually has the disorder that she is the worlds foremost authority on. I have been vigorously pushed to the intellectual and psychological limit here...of course I love this kind of thing!

So here I am...admittedly exhausted, pushing my body, mind and spirit literally to the brink of breakdown and/or insanity and then I go and read about it TOO! This is so typical of me but it is this kind of thing I love to do...push limits. And so I shall.*

Just Like The Old Days (Well Sorta!)

2011-12-22T04:03:00.001-05:00

Interestingly enough...I just got done doing something I used to do all the time when I was practicing my Cocaine addiction: mopped and cleaned the kitchen at 3am. The combination of not being able to sleep, extreme restlessness and a general desire to do something, anything productive these days motivated me to do it. It was surreal and I'll admit, kinda fun!!

I'll be seeing the doc in a few hours and I hope we can get to the bottom of this mess with the swollen feet, the ongoing 100 degree temps and the inability to sleep. Wow, I feel like a total nut job and you know what else is going on my dear, faithful reader of the SHOCK?

Last night the water just stopped running. We have a 120' deep well and we aren't sure if the pump (which is at the deep end on the well-point) is on the FRITZ or if it might be something else....

So that is the strange morning we have in store...the well repairmen will here around 8a and I have that early doctor's appointment. We are using bottled water to drink, tap water we keep stored in gallon milk jugs and water from the lake to run the toilets. I just hope they can fix it because tomorrow, my sister's family arrives for Christmas. That won't happen if we can't get it fixed so stay tuned to the DRAMA!

Running Amok On 40 Minutes Sleep

2011-12-21T20:46:00.000-05:00

Aren't they lovely? Jealous? Oh I bet you are...not everyone is blessed with pretty little paddy's like mine you know!! Don't you wish you had the same unique but special peddi like mine, Hmm?! It's a brand-new fad straight from the east coast and die hard lovers of groomed feet everywhere are waiting in day long lines to get this new style of pedicure called: The Hachoir a' viande Technique ( Meat-Grinder Technique)! I know I probably shouldn't do stuff like this but since I am the ALL-POWERFUL BLOG-MEISTER EXTRAORDINAIRE, I feel like even I am entitled to run amok once in awhile...even in French.

I feel like I have Frankenstein Feet, all swollen and stitched together, torn and battered....and actually, even though you can't detect it on camera, the rest of my body is bloated and swollen up as well. I feel exceedingly odd and don't realize how bad it is until I walk by a mirror. Holy cow...I look like a freaking cartoon character.

Anyway I thought I'd have a little fun and post these awful pics of my beat up feet. For you who are new, I am an amputee I slept for 40 minutes this afternoon and I'm all energized so I had to do something with all this excess energy!

The downside to all this fun and game time shenanigans is that I am running a fever, I continued to be so weakened by lack of sleep, fever and possible infection that perhaps I am actually in some kind of trouble..hence the early morning appointment with my Doc in the A.M. Hopefully it's nothing too serious but we'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. Good Night!

Ahhh YEA, I've Been Better

2011-12-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

Without out really intending it to be this way, Shell Shock Serenade has become a medical update blog for my health...at least temporarily. I suppose it's only natural that I would use this forum to write about whats happening with me and I'm sorry to say it is serious enough stuff that it warrants mentioning plus it IS what's on my mind right now....

Yep, I hate to admit it but what IS going on in my life at the moment IS the extreme deterioration of my health. How I even manage to function is a miracle because I can hardly function right now I am so tired yet I like a freakin' cockroach I won't die.

My right foot and leg is blown up way past twice it's normal size and the skin is starting to tear. I'm running a fever and just don't can't sleep. So it's back to the doctor tomorrow then we'll see what happens...

I think the most difficult part of this is WHY is this happening to me NOW? I would think I have had my fair share of adversity but you know what? I don't get to make that decision...obviously.

But in spite of this set-back and yes dear reader it definitely feels like a set-back...I still have the desire to keep pushing on so that is exactly what I am going to do. And we'll just keep doing our best to cover it here.

(Photo: Kathy Tomson)

YEARNING...To Fly: FAITH Part II

2011-12-21T03:31:00.000-05:00

In Writing the post yesterday entitled - Faith and Perseverance: An Eternal Test I stepped into an area of fresh fallen..."Virgin Snow" as it were. A subject, Faith that I had yet tried to tackle in any comprehensive way on SSS (Shell Shock Serenade).

My spiritual foundation, like any Christian, is based on Faith...I can't seem how it could be any other way. Yet true Faith (as defined): "Complete Trust or Confidence in someone or something" or "Belief and Trust in and Loyalty to God" is certainly NOT something that came easily to me, without conflict....on the contrary stepping back and trusting GOD, having Faith that all we be as he wills it to be and in HIS Time/Place is still a most foreign action to me. My natural tendency is to control everything that I can regardless of how much I mess things up. And yea, I inevitably MESS stuff up!

Bu I do my best...I certainly have to acknowledge the incredibly positive and profound events that have taken place in my life in the last several years. I have no doubt that GOD exists, that he looks over me and has helped me time and time again. So WHY do I find it so BLOODY difficult to let him have control and take over the "controls" of this roaring freight train I call my life?

I only wish I knew the answer to that but it didn't take me long to realize that I was NOT alone in my struggle with FAITH. Lot's of struggle and I will continue to explore this subject in the next few posts....

(Photo: Kathy Tomson)

Faith and Perseverance: An ETERNAL Test.

2011-12-20T16:06:00.001-05:00

I would have to say, at least as far as I can recall...that this is the first time I have experienced a situation (while sober in recovery) where my physical abilities: energy, alertness, stamina, strength, etc have undergone a collective and consistent deterioration from illness to such a degree that I con no longer adequately function, as I am beginning to feel at this very moment.

It has been a continuous, daily struggle for survival and I see no immediate sign of any relief.

At the risk of sounding or appearing overly dramatic, I can't help but feel like this is a true, GOD inspired test of FAITH, strength, character and determination...all lead first and foremost of course by FAITH. I just have never felt like I've faced such sustained and well coordinated adversity before...at least since I have been clean and sober in recovery, trying to live an inspired life for others.

It has been an all out fight right from the very beginning because I usually can scrounge up the physical well being and strength to keep going. Recently however...because of the lack of sleep, my inability to stay awake and alert, my ability to carry out my existing ministry commitments has been seriously affected but so far we have been able to meet and follow through on most of them so far.

That is really the most frustrating part of all this and the one area where I am not sure that most readers will be able to understand my point of view. Because I had felt so worthless, so unproductive and disconnected all these years...I have really found great JOY and YES, even REDEMPTION in this new found ability and desire of mine to lead and carry out activities, whose sole reason for existence are to HELP others. I cannot begin to describe how powerfully doing this work has changed me for the better as a person. And as a result it has affected every single aspect of my life, without exception...for the better.

All that being said, I am now dealing with the very real prospect of having my ability to function, to do these things...taken away from me due to illness. And that indeed is dis-heartening and it really discourages me..it tests my faith right at the very core of it's existence.

This is where it truly starts to feel like the very CORE of my FAITH is being challenged and affected every single day. But I understand that everything I do today is a result of GOD's wonderful GRACE in taking pity on me in the first place and helping me out of the pit o sorrow and heart-ache that I once called my LIFE. I know that just as easily I can see all of that taken away and face new and even greater challenges in the days, weeks and months ahead.

I just pray that I am ready for whatever may pass and whatever might come my way....

Recognizing What's REAL!

2011-12-19T22:49:00.002-05:00

I sure am thankful that I am alive tonight and have the opportunity to continue to hang out here for awhile longer on the planet and live my life the way I never thought I could: Always striving to help somebody else...it doesn't really matter who they are or where they came from. This keeps me pushing forward, on a daily basis toward a higher purpose...helping others to glorify GOD and you know what? I definitely don't need any more motivation then that because I owe my life to HIM.

This all became abundantly clear tonight while I spent a couple hours at the Branch County Jail , participating in the weekly Monday Evening Church Service. This was a special service for Christmas and we had some special music and entertainment provided by the St. Joe River Boys, a quartet of barbershop style singers...it was a wonderful show and the 90 or so inmates who attended (male and female seemed to enjoy it as well.

I know when I pour my heart and emotions out here on Shell Shock everyday like I do that often times only the pain, hardship and difficulty comes through and not the part about how grateful and fortunately blessed I am. I do not want to ever forget to remember where I came from and how easy it would be to backslide right back to the horror story that WAS my life only 6 short years ago.

So this is my way of saying thanks God and acknowledging that even though I am really struggling health wise at the moment that things could be a whole lot worse and I KNOW that...I definitely do NOT want to go back to that old way of life...NEVER, EVER!

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

Update, Upset...Up All Night

2011-12-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

Ahhh yes, I get to start my week going to the doctor's office...one of my favorite things EVER! Err...Not really. But actually this scenario today is fine by me because these medical issues that I am experiencing are un-resolved and as I posted yesterday things aren't going very well.

And like magic...4 hours have past and I am back from my appointments and ready to get some lunch and crash...well "crash" to whatever extent my body allows me to I guess is how I should phrase that. I am exhausted and no exaggeration...that is how weary I feel. It's no longer funny because I just feel really sick and I can hardly function.

So I am going to eat and rest and hopefully be ready to read at the jail service tonight for the Christmas Service...

I am truly pushing my physical and psychological limits today and I honestly do NOT like the way I am feeling so let's see if I can't get a little rest and try and be a little better by "jail time"...

A Timely Intervention....

2011-12-18T20:09:00.003-05:00

I would not be telling truth if I said that I am not concerned about my health. That doesn't mean I have lost faith, I haven't but I am realistic and let's face facts...I have Barrett's Esophagus Disease and along with it some serious, pre-cancerous symptoms. And I have no idea what this all means right now but I have felt awful for the last month or so with fevers, terrible trouble swallowing and I have not slept for more then an hour in one day in over 3 weeks....I am exhausted, I'm physically hurting and I haven't a clue whats happening to me. So I figure that It's probably OK to feel a little fearful right now and frankly dear reader...I am definitely afraid.

So as I am sitting here writing this post..my phone rings. It's Chaplain Brown for the Branch County Jail, he overseas the Forgotten Man Ministry program at the jail that I am involved in on Monday nights.

Tomorrow night is the annual Christmas Service for the inmates at the Jail. It will be a combined service with men and woman together in the cafeteria though they are seriously segregated. There will be special music and a special message plus some reading from the scriptures about the story of the birth of Christ. He called to ask if I would read about the birth of Jesus in LUKE 2:1-20.

You know what my friends out there in SHELL SHOCK Land?! That is exactly what I needed to hear tonight as I was sitting here feeling a bit fearful about my health and such. I love reading out load and I love the Christmas Story as told in the Gospel of LUKE. More often then not...in my life these days that is how things tend to work out. If I am feeling low, something comes around that cheers me up and gets me going again. It was perfectly timed and I just love when it happens like this!

Until Then..I'll Just Fly!

2011-12-18T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have lived long enough to have learned that all truly good things come mostly from within. Other people cannot make me happy (or sad!) for that matter...that comes from inside. Other people only have as much control or power over me as I LET THEM HAVE. If my expectations are that I want someone to like me...and they don't...well naturally I am going to feel let down...hurt. That's human nature but honestly it would be my own fault because of my expectations.

The last few days I have spent some time thinking about certain relationships in my life that haven't gone the way I would have liked them to. I've posted about it as well and it's hard when people don't think very highly of you or they don't treat you very kindly and you really wish they would. I really allowed myself to feel hurt about it this weekend because I really wanted to be liked...it wasn't meant to be.It's a lesson learned and frankly, my reaction still shows I have changed from the kind of guy I used to be...

How is that, you may ask? In the past I never would have even taken the time or risk by reaching out to somebody else, wanting to establish a better relationship. And it just wasn't meant to be so I just have to let it go and I have...My natural tendency is to feel hurt because I feel rejected and typically when that happens, I get angry and lash back at hat person. Not today...I just can't afford the anger or the negative energy.

This week is Christmas week...usually a week that I hate...with more family visiting and staying at the house over Christmas...again, that used to be something I didn't care for that much. Today, though it can be a hassle having a house full of people I will just do my best to embrace it just embraced it for what it is and move on with it.

K-Sue will be here so that's cool and a first time at Christmas so I am stoked about that plus there are some positive things going on around here so I just remain focused and trust that God has the plan. So far it seems like it's meant to be so we will ride it out.

And that is the way I have to look at life...this is what I have, so I got to play the hand I was dealt. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and I hope I find out what in the worlds going on. Until then...I've got to take flight, keep my eyes and heart focused directly on the Creator and FOLLOW HIM.

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

The Un-Endurable Sorrow That Is Me

2011-12-17T20:21:00.000-05:00

Relationships just hurt too much sometimes....And because they do, it is really hard for me to ever truly consider them a worthwhile entity in the end. I often think I truly am better off alone, completely by myself...at least when I hurt myself, I know I mean it and nobody is bullsh*tting or lying to me about it...I know people mean well but it never ceases to amaze me how often those same people who are the ones who should care about you more then any other will in the end hurt you the most. But hey...we forgive them...for they know not what they do.

I've hurt so deeply and so often in this raggedy assed existence called life that I have no more tears to donate to the soil of this lost planet of SOULS...shattered hearts cannot be pieced back together when they are already in a million pieces...sometimes you just have to sweep the "SOUL Shards"...the remnants of them under the rug and persevere with but a fraction of a Heart.

That is not to say I blame anyone for the way that I feel...I do not blame anyone but myself because I understand now that I earned all of this...it is but my CROSS to bear. And bear it I shall....

Straight up the rugged rocky stone path that twists and turns in tight spirals as it ascends the mountaintop that represents my life, in it's entirety...my own personal Golgotha. All that remains this day is dried blood on the rocks that once held THAT CROSS in it's sway...

A human wind chime spins and sputters while twisting in it's time..it mutters it's haunting dirge through-out all time and tests the metal of all men's SOULS...

On that dark and dangerous hill-top, the WATCH-MAN sees only me and you, my friend...he notices the tear-stained cheeks and blood-shot eyes and HE and only HE pines for the remnants of our collectively shattered HEARTS...Ahh YES, they are to be the main course at this BEGGARS BANQUET...where I am again the honored GUEST.

A Little Rain....

2011-12-17T07:36:00.001-05:00

Most folks who don't know me outside of the blog wouldn't have any clue that

I am one of those folks on FaceBook who likes to put quotes up in his

status. They can come from anywhere but lately there are a lot of

bible verses because I am really fascinated with what God has had to

say. I'll quote Churchill or any other famous figure and this morning

it was a quote by Longfellow and I like it so much that guess what?

That's right kiddies...I'm gonna share it here:

"Thy fate is the most common fate of all. Into each life a little rain

must fall."

And it's true, at least over the course of half a century of living

now I have found it so. I am not a guy who expects everything in

life to go easy, on the contrary I understand it takes pain

and hardship sometimes to put our lives in true perspective.

Anyway i' thought I'd share a "little rain" with all of you this

morning....

Missing The Ebb...And The Flow

2011-12-17T04:44:00.001-05:00

One other result of my health/physical situation these past few weeks is that my attention span and memory are even SHORTER then they usually are. This has resulted in shorter, quirky little blog posts and as I've mentioned recently I am not sure if I really like them or not.

I enjoyed the ability back then to have the words just flow out and let the post sort of ebb and flow as it developed itself along the way. Today and tonight's post right here is no different...the post is more forced, I have to work each thought and even create it as I go where before the thoughts and ideas came as a stream of conscience...in one big, long burst. That was fun because I would just go along for the ride!

Anyway...that is the end of another late-night...early-morning observation here on the SHOCK. I'm looking forward to the bible reading over at the Nursing home then spending the rest of the day here with my son and his girlfriend. Perhaps I'll check in later but if not...have a HAPPY SATURDAY!

A Different FOCUS...

2011-12-16T22:20:00.000-05:00

I was pondering the fact that when I have something important going on in my life or an illness or a family member has an issue..it could be anything really, that other things in life...LIKE the stuff they show on the news becomes less and less important to me. I have noticed in general over...let's say at least the last decade or so that I rarely pay attention to any of the 24/7 continuous "news" programs unless it's an International Tragedy like 9/11 or a weather disaster like Hurricane Katrina. I just tune it out...

I have just gotten to a point where I am naturally blocking this stuff out and focusing on the stuff that is relevant to me...

In doing this I am not finding myself isolated or or at a social disadvantage. I still check the news but I do it either by reading the paper (yep, I am one of THOSE people) or I just check online at my own convenience. I like to control the amount of access that the news agencies have over me and my family.

I live in a house where one person has Fox News on almost constantly on the main television. It doesn't matter WHAT the content the shgow is...that is just not healthy.

I have always had what I consider a HEALTHY mistrust of what the media has to say and I will NEVER take anything they say as truth without first verifying it myself. I don't understand anyone who wouldn't take the time to check out for themselves...That is dangerous in this day and age because people will take advantage.

OK, coffee and book time.....

(Painting: Winslow Homer)

Sticks & Snacks, No Sleep & HOPE

2011-12-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

We are launching into a weekend and for my family here on the island...it will be a chance to spend some time with my son Ian and his girlfriend. I'm looking forward to it since I don't get to seem them very often. Let's just hope the health/sleep issues of late cut me a wee bit 'O slack so I can at least be a functional host.

I just got out of a nice, hot shower after spending a couple of hours in 30 degree F temps raking, blowing and picking up leaves/sticks....that shower felt good though I didn't think my tired, brittle bones would ever recover...but eventually, they did.

I will include health updates in my posts but I'll try to keep them short and informative.

No sleep at all last night and the swallowing issue, with the constricted feeling in my throat is the cause and it is getting worse. I have a 9am appointment Monday with Doc Whitaker so we'll see what's up but this just isn't going to work as it is...something has to change! Today instead of trying to "rest", to lay down and relax...I tried an old tactic of just working through the exhaustion and it turned out alright, I slept for 25 minutes this afternoon.

Well for now I am going to get a snack and perhaps shut my eyes. See you on the other side...( I HOPE!).

Perspective & Perseverance...

2011-12-15T22:18:00.000-05:00

Another evening sitting down before the computer at my grandfather's desk. It has been a day of reflection and a chance to get out and into town for a couple of hours.

I admit that I am still feeling the heavy weight of responsibility, fear and expectation in relation to my medical problems. I am really hurting physically tonight in addition to my concern for the unknown. Honestly though...what can one really do about it now? Whatever is going to happen, WILL happen...then we learn to live with the result then move on. Such is all life really...deal with reality then move on.

In a discussion this morning my buddy and I were talking about putting faith into action. In other words, the main point of living ONE's life is to keep living those lives even when we are quite ill or disabled...even when that illness may be terminal. Now I am NOT facing that prospect of trying to persevere while I know I am dying, but I know people who are and man does my heart go out to them It is difficult enough dealing with my current situation of being ill and disabled yet still attempting to lead full and productive lives. I know right now that I am falling far short of that goal/expectation right now but I know that and I am striving to do better.

So that is the thought I will take with me tonight...to keep moving forward and never lose sight of what 's important.

(Painting: Winslow Homer)

Midnight Insanity

2011-12-15T12:04:00.000-05:00

I met this morning for coffee with one of my closest friends...he is a Christian (and one of my mentor's) and in Recovery as well. He is one of the few people I completely trust. And even though he is incredibly busy (he is a small business owner and a Deacon in out church) he finds time to read my blog.

Well in the course of our discussion he was acting a bit funny and I had a feeling he wanted to tell me something. Well basically he let me know that a lot of my blog posts lately, especially those done when I am awake all night by myself are..well, they make me sound a little bit like I'm NUTS! And they do...because I knew that already, I have written many of those while barely being able to stay awake. Now he didn't use the word NUTS, that was my choice for this post but the point is the same...those posts come across as a bit "off the wall....".

My point for mentioning this here is that I want the readers of Shell Shock to know that I have intentionally left those posts on the blog because they capture a very difficult period in my life. I do think that I have gotten a handle on posting in the middle of the night so you shouldn't see any more of that (I Hope!) but I think it's important for that work and time period to be represented.

But I am not NUTS...at least not permanently so, haha!

(Photo: Kathy Tomson)