Context MATTERS...

I just read that in July of 2018 the Association of or Library Service to Children, which annually gives out the "Laura Ingalls Wilder Award" every year announced they are removing her name from the award for reasons of political correctness. Because her work "includes expressions of stereotypical attitudes inconsistent with ALSC's core vales for inclusiveness, integrity and respect and responsiveness"... 

I honestly hold all of those things in the highest respect. But they and others who do this miss the point and more importantly the opportunity to teach how culture and society have change. Wilder spoke through the window-pane of the era and which she lived. She grew up on the frontier and was representing that as honestly;y as possible. The specific comment that was noted for this banishment is she wrote about her family was going to move to Kansas "....There were no people there, only Indians". This is the passage that was found offensive. A comment she HERSELF corrected and APOLOGIZED for in her own time, going so far to say: "It was a stupid blunder of mine. Of course Indians are people and I did not imply they were not. It's obvious her family was moving to an area not yet ofver-run with settlers which she wrote that she meant just that.

I understand we as a society do not in any way want to encourage or promote intolerance but I believe history is most important when it is accurate and taken in CONTEXT of the time period. That could easily been pointed out to children along with the fact that the Wilder herself caught the error, took responsibility and then corrected it.

I often think we are teaching our young in a protected womb and that when they get to actually living in the real world they have a very narrow, naive and unrealistic idea of what to expect.

That is my rant for the day...

A Hole In A SOUL

The following piece was written because I am increasingly disgusted by the behavior of our Government (and by that I mean BOTH parties, on all levels), Broadcast/Cable News and by people providing inaccurate information on social media. I am not going to get into a pissing match with Democrats or Republicans because I hold both parties responsible for the mess we are currently in as a society.Why? Because I believe that those in the Government along with the giant news outlets and others only believe in consolidating or seizing power. It has gotten to the point that there is nothing productive being accomplished because both parties are too busy finding ways to discredit the other.

I don't want to post this but feel compelled to because I am frightened at what we have become as a Country, a so called "civilized" society and a Human Race. We have come to accept TV News and Social Media posts as TRUTH and NO ONE questions it. That is very scary indeed...Honest to God this is the last thing I wanted to write about again but I am emotionally moved by current events to do so.This is not the first time I have addressed this issue but I feel compelled to speak my mind once more.

I am a survivor of sexual assault by at least 3 grown men in the summer of 1975....I was 12 years old. This occurred in a public place, I was attacked from behind, violently beaten and raped. It was the single most defining event of my life and ultimately that one single moment nearly destroyed me. It was a full 15 years before I ever mentioned this to anyone. Now nearly 44 years later, I still suffer from the horror of that day....The memory has never gone away, no matter how hard I tried to forget it or tried to drink it away. That never worked so I eventually sobered up 12 years ago. I see it in my own eyes every time I look in the mirror....I suffer from nightmares and I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I am currently seeing a trauma therapist to once again find a way to live without that horror. I once attempted suicide to make the memory finally go away. I obviously survived and in my eyes that inability to kill myself just increased the self-hatred, the anger and feelings of being a failure. It was and still can be....a living nightmare.Yet somehow, deep down....a part of me still remains hopeful. Hence this blog post.

I finally spoke about the assault when I was 27 years old. I unexpectedly blurted it out in a private conversation with a friend from work. She was a good friend, very caring, a good listener and one of the very few people I trusted. I really admired her because of the way she conducted herself after suffering major trauma herself. She was a survivor of continuous sexual molestation that spanned more then a decade. She was abused by an aunt (her father's sister). She once admitted the fact to her parents and siblings...no one believed her. They told her she was crazy and a liar...all things I secretly feared myself. She was telling me about some of her memories  when she obviously set off something in side. This was the emotional shove that compelled me to open up. It's funny but she told me later that she had always suspected that something bad had happened to me ...little did she know.

My sudden revelation initially caught her off guard, actually we were both surprised. I had no idea that I would ever speak those words out loud...to anyone. After I shared my experience in some detail she let me know she believed me and cared about me. That shook me because I had always felt so much shame for letting IT happen to me. It wasn't long before she realized that I was sharing something  I had never spoken about before. I owe her a great deal of gratitude for being there for me because that dirty little secret was burning a hole in my soul. It was getting bigger each and every day I remained silent and in denial. 

Survivors, including myself tend to have a 6th sense or a heightened bullshit detector when it comes to others who have had or claim to have had similar experiences. For some reason I am always skeptical about such claims when they come out in the press particularly in politically motivated situations. I find it difficult to trust anyone and I never trust the media/social media.

I am writing about this today because of the the unconscionable politics that have become business as usual in our Government...ON ALL SIDES. Naturally I am aware of how damn tough it is to even talk about this subject. But I am also aware of the awesome responsibility of merely accusing anyone of such a crime. Not to mention the traumatic experience of a survivor being manipulated into the public arena and having to recount the worst moment of her life.


I have no opinion on this current case...both parties SEEM sincere and  proportionally emotional. The simple fact is that it isn't my job to make that judgement, I do not know the facts so I won't. But what bothers me is that politicians and the mass media are manipulating people and this situation to gain power. As a survivor...it trivializes what happened to me. It is those 3 men laughing at me all over again. I hear them laughing every day in the echoes of my memory. 

I do not doubt for a second that this whole  mess is about political power. I have come to abhor the way our society is mislead and controlled by the MEDIA, ALL media...particularly Network/Cable News along with social media responses by the public at large. 

The quick rush to judgement and strong opinions on social media, all made with little or no factual basis is frightening...on both sides of this situation. Also scary is how angry and divided we are as a society, as citizens of this country and ultimately the planet. The human race and our society specifically from the top to bottom has become sick and sad.

I am not a member of either political party. As I stated above...I do not fully support of either side of this argument because I honestly do not know what to think or who to believe. There are only Opinions...not facts. And the majority of these are provided and manipulated by the press/Social Media. What I do know with certainty is that I don't believe the Network or Cable News because they are nothing but manipulators of information to gain their own power and influence. Anyone who uses the media or social media to formulate their beliefs, personal, political and otherwise is an idiot...and consequently, a sheep being led to slaughter.

Like many I have seen the nasty political maneuvering of both the Republican and Democratic parties for at least the last 26 years. With each day it degenerates into chaos more and more. I know I am not the only citizen of the United States who feels like NEITHER party comes close to representing my point of view or beliefs. I understand that no party or person is perfect. But it would be nice to have a choice that is realistically close. I don't see that happening right now...

Though I don't believe for a second that this will ever happen in my lifetime, I do think having a strong and viable 3rd party in this country could help create a need for more cooperation. Certainly it would prevent one party from having a majority and force parties to work together, like they should be doing in the first place. Why? Because that would be in ALL Parties best interest. Therefore re-focusing the members of our government on the wishes of their constituents...That is US, the American people.

In my humble opinion....what has been happening here in Washington this summer and before this has NOTHING to do with Victims of Sexual Assault or a Supreme Court Nomination...it has solely to do with each party trying to consolidate/hold or seize POWER. And it's ordinary human beings living in this country that get screwed.

What I find equally shocking is how many people buy into the bullshit. Historically speaking that is a very dangerous phenomenon. If you don't know what I am referring too, I suggest starting the Autumn of 1917 and work your way to the present day...historically. The TRUTH will smack a person in the face....but only if you are HONEST with yourself.

I do not like using the worst F-ing experience of my entire life to make any kind of point because...I do not like to think about what happened to me, re-live it or immerse myself in those feelings again. But this society is doomed if "WE-The- People" don't demand change. I am sicked by what has been on TV lately and how blindly many people follow the manipulations of the media/social media. 

Why don't we all try something different, turn off the fucking TV/Internet and start THINKING FOR YOURSELF.

It might be too late but I believe it 'tis worth a try....

Fighting toward the LIGHT

I don't mind going to through therapy but I'm always emotionally wrung out for days afterward.

I've been having vicious  dreams and flashbacks everyday, every night... everything from the sexual assault with the perpetrators wearing clown masks to the dreams I had as a youth of being buried alive in a trench with corpses and  rats during the Great War. I just want to stop fighting..5 yrs of surgeries, doctors appts, little or no sleep takes its toll. Add to the fact that Kim and I  alone are the only ones taking responsibility to care for my aging parents is becoming more difficult an time consuming each day. Just the daily care of their house and yard is  hard enough. My physical limitations are starting to to affect my ability to function. With no pain therapy now I'm travelling a full circle,  back to being a total wheel chair bound cripple.  I'm not a happy fellow...

I never paid much attention PTSD until a caring therapist made it clear that it was primarily responsible for most of the Agony I was feeling. this is not the person I want to be but it is who I am. It can be hard to go on some days with so much pain and the loss of Mobility. It is a real psychological mind fucker for me.

I can't even do the things that you to do for pleasure anymore. I haven't played a single hole of golf in over a year because I tore my left bicep catching my father when he was falling out of his walker.I live on a lake and never enjoy swimming or a boat ride.

Hope isn't something I've felt much of late and I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist will help me find ways to deal with the pain without medication creating order, direction, goals and order in my life. Otherwise the future looks dark.

At 55 I'm just worn out....I've lived a full, active life and i feel like someone in their mid 80s. The hope is this trial by fire won't last forever but the sand is rapidly running through the hour glass.

I feel like I am spinning in circles, upside down. I had another night full of bizarre and terrifying dreams...the dreams are typically followed by relieving the worst moment of my life...like it was all happening again.

I compare it to being in very deep water, running out of breath and struggling to work my way to the light, the surface and never quite getting there before all goes black.

Oddly though I never stop fighting. I cannot quit... Though I have often felt like an outsider because I had a dark secret...releasing it has benefited me.It doesn't go away yet the more I expose it the less powerful it gets.

I call that progress, I will take it today....

On The Move

NIGHT....Call Me PAIN

Ellie Wiesal wrote his stunning memoir called NIGHT to attempt to describe his HOLOCAUST experiences. I am no way trying to compare his HORROR to my own. I just truly dread the night whist hating the exposure that comes with the light of day. It is a double edge sword. 

I don't sleep...not well any way and during this awful withdraw and transition to Suboxone period I NEVER can without the "encouragement" of XANAX". 

I don't know up from down...left from right...light or dark. Even when my broke my ankle and had emergency surgery later that day it got infected at the hospital I never felt so low. The subsequent ordeal lasted 3 years, 30 odd surgeries, over 140 days in hospital, bone became total blood infection,  I nearly died and then had the right leg amputated below the knee...I don't recalling ever feeling quite as hopeless as I do right now....at NIGHT....particularly this night.

I see no light at the end of this tunnel...not even the perverbial train. This was my choice, quitting Methadone pain treatment after 14 years. I distinctly remember two surgeons convincing me to at least try it. I could not walk at the time. I fought their suggestion for a week...then gave in to get out of the hospital and my wheelchair.

To my surprise the Methadone therapy gave me a fairly normal life back...at least for parts of each day. But staying on it in today's atmosphere of "Opiate Crisis" Hysteria and misinformation is impossible. 

So I'm headed back to the wheelchair...eventually. I feel that in my heart anyway because over the last 40 years after my back injury, I had tried literally everything available from Pain clinics short of a Morphine Pump Implant to moderate the pain.

Now nerves all over my body are irreversibly damaged, randomly sparking off like machine gun fire and I now have irreversible Neuropathy to boot. Throw in the Phantom Pain in my lower right leg,ankle/foot (which no longer exist BTW)and I am no longer Human....I am simply PAIN.

I truly wish our society respected human beings enough to allow a person  the choice to end their life. Sometimes enough is enough...

Fantasyland

Fun...Fun...Fun...

When Nightmare IS Realiy

Sitting in the therapy office... required because I have chosen to get off Methadone pain therapy after 14 yrs. I have not had a drink since June 6th night 2006  sober for almost 12 years .  So needless to say this is strange, unusual  and perhaps even unprecedented. It is a very long story longet than I want to work out today in this particular blog post. I've been off of methadone for almost 3 weeks.  Thanks to a friend I transferred to another narcotic pain medication for a week to make the transition to Suboxone doable. I have been on the Suboxone over a week and to put it nicely it is a living hell.  For those who are informed, Suboxone is an opiate narcotic that does not relieve pain and does not allow one to take other pain medications without getting deathly ill. There was a very legitimate reason that I was on pain therapy: neuropathy, 6 ruptured and cracked disks/vertebra in my back.... a right below the knee amputation.. needless to say even breathing hurts. Such is reality...I often wonder why I've chosen to do this but frankly I'm sick of being on any kind of medication. Seriously I'd rather be dead. The methadone worked very well, I have had a nice life where I  could do physical things, take care of my responsibilities. I'm frightened because I'm afraid without some sort of treatment I will be confined to a wheelchair or at least I SHOULD be but I'm not sure I'll let that happen, there are other options. Hope you all have a nice day...

Exiting The Void to Engage The Whirlwind....

In the years before I was injured then battled a subsequent blood/bone infection that resulted in the loss of my right leg below the knee (BKA- Below Thew Knee Amputation) I had gotten into the habit of writing daily here on Shell Shock Serenade. Eventually the shear landslide of surgeries (34), hospitalizations (153 days) and fighting for my life took all the energy that I had and I stopped writing...cold. I really miss it but cannot seem to get my writing groove back and so this blog continues to sit idle....and this makes me feel quite sad.

I truly found it helpful to relay the events of my life as a way of helping others who were dealing with substance abuse or had to find a way to live with the tragic chaos of sexual assault or sexual molestation as I have for the last 43 years. Doing so was also critical to helping me stay sober...One day at a time and deal with the after effects of that extremely violent sexual assault as a boy (PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The entire trajectory of my life was altered in one 5 minute period of time.

I have made attempts in the past to write again and found it difficult to remain focused and quickly lost interest. But I really want to find a way to write regularly so here I'm going try it again.

I am not the same person I was before the accident and recovery. I've had the proverbial shit kicked out of me every way possible: physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.I no longer trust any one or any thing....I have no spiritual belief left. Honestly I am not sure I truly believe in ANYTHING anymore. Life is to survive, to endure to SUFFER...

I have little use for anyone who hasn't suffered because in my mind they haven't truly lived and I just cannot relate.I know it sounds callused but such is the end result of my experience.

I'm am not the biggest fan of the painter Pablo Picasso but since I was a very small boy I was pulled toward works from his "BLUE Period" such as those above. The color and distortion mirrors my own emotion well.

None of this means that my life such as it is is a failure or that I am unhappy or dissatisfied all the time I just identify with visible TRUTHS and don't trust Faith or people who have all the answers.

More on these thoughts later... 

"SCARS Are Souvenirs You NEVR LOSE"...

Occasionally  I'll find myself caught completely unaware by something that just takes my breath away by how relevant or meaningful I find it to be. A fairly recent example is the concept of a life experience leaving a permanent scar on a person's soul...It is an idea that has really been haunting me, kind of burning a hole in my brain. I truly believe that what we live through, experience or even endure leave a permanent mark on us....a life-long "Soul Scar" as it were. I undoubtedly am a rather prime example of one who has begun a collection of these life changing experiences...my obsession with this has now become a bastardized form of souvenir hunting for these cosmic scars in a way...I've been collecting them in my own way, nurturing and cultivating them. Sounds sadistic but the SCARS as they were are not always a result of a negative experience....

The title of this post is not of my own creation....it is a lyric from a Goo Goo Dolls song called NAME....one of my favorites.

It was probably in late 1990 or early 1991 and we were headed to  NJJ to visit my Ex's fam and friends outside of NYC. We left Holland at 3a and headed through Canada re-entering the States in Buffalo NY.  We had a local station on the radio and they were interviewing some band from the area that I had never heard of before. I wasn't paying much attention until the guitarist/Lead singer Johnny Reznik said something that caught my attention and made me literally laugh out load in reference to their home town...Buffalo, NY. When asked about growing up there he said "Buffalo is just a great place to live....but I'd never want to visit". At that moment began my life-long love affair with the GOO's and a  real appreciation for their music. 

So much so I want to share it w/ all of you. 

NAME:

Hey Chicken Little: The Sky Really Isn't FALLING....

People, the election is over and I suspect the sun will continue to rise and life will continue to go on. Living these days is difficult enough without us making it even MORE difficult for ourselves by spreading rumors and outright LIES through Social Media. I am seeing an awful lot of the Fake News articles that the true news outlets are beginning to report on being forwarded on FB, Twitter and on the Internet in general...honestly it makes the sender look hateful, foolish and ignorant for not verifying the source. It continues to happen on both sides of the political aisle but because of the outcome of the Presidential Election, the anti-Trump stuff is the most prolific right now. This fake news issue is very real and totally legit...even Mark Zuckerberg at FaceBook is now finally reacting to it after being forced to deal with this issue. I know I am pissing in the wind when I ask but PLEASE....just DON'T PRESS SEND until you VERIFY what you are sending.

The fear and concern that is rising in the country is undoubtedly being encouraged because people are acting like sheep and they tend to accept and believe most everything they read or are told and don't bother to check it's validity.

I fear this is promoting even more hate, intolerance and unjust treatment of people who simply disagree with one another. In my nearly 55 years on the planet I have never witnessed a time where people treated fellow human beings so poorly. And I am not singling out anyone...we are ALL guilty of this. It does not matter what side you are on it is an epidemic and through the power of global communication it can and WILL continue to get worse UNLESS the people themselves simply stop...and think for themselves. Perhaps only then some unconditional LOVE may find it's way in and begin to turn things around.