Human Taffy, Man!

Do you ever just feel stretched? Pulled in several different directions at the same time....some of them in direct contrast to the others? I sort of have that feeling happening today...it is not necessarily negative things....no, just a bunch of different stuff. And since I'm really hurting physically right now, I'm don't have my usual energy or enthusiasm for it. And this is an day where I feel quite good from an emotional & psychological standpoint.

Honestly, It is always something. I know, since I make a point to ponder this stuff it obviously effects me more (I'm assuming) then most folks who just take stuff like this for granted and don't pay much attention to it. But I determined quite some time ago that it was necessary for me to constantly remain in touch with my emotions, feelings reactions and to figure out why I am having them...

Today, after much time and practice doing this is not a burden on me. In fact it's really quite natural and I do it without thinking.

I had some less then happy conversations over the weekend that were really blunt and revealing for me with a family member. They very specifically pointed out that my focus on this kind of thing was taking over my personal conversations as well and frankly they were kind of sick of it.

Well I had to step back a bit to try and be somewhat objective and I could see their point. In the very limited time we have together, my focus was dominating conversation. So it has been something right in the very front of my mind these days. Shell Shock Serenade will play a role, a rather important role really in resolving that issue because this IS the forum to have those thoughts and share them.

In one positive way I was actually impressed that I had honed my focus on recovery and specifically my thoughts, feelings, etc. to a razors edge. The fact is probably a huge reason that I am here, alive and well today. Because if I had been half-assed in my attempt at recovery, I would more then likely be dead today. It is no exaggeration and certainly no joke....just the TRUTH as I see it. And trust me, I see it with crystal clear resolution these days. If I dicked around with my recovery, didn't focus on the ultimate goal of daily sobriety followed by a serious life CHANGE, I'd have died. Sh*t, I wanted to die, I was LIVING to DIE, every ounce of my energy then was self-destructive. Dying was my obsession....

So it only makes sense to recover, to rebound from that takes an equal amount of determination, focus and yea, obsession. I think I can handle being accused of being to obsessive about LIVING! I'll take the rap for that any freaking day. I know I make people like that uncomfortable...believe me it isn't my intention but they will never know what that is like. It takes a desperate person to get to that point and an equally desperate person to fight their way back from the brink of the abyss. That my friends...was me. I make no apologies for it either. Go ahead, judge me...but you haven't a clue what it's like.

All that being said I understand a transition is in order. I truly don't want to pummel my friends and family with my past and/or my daily recovery. I want "normalcy" in my life (and behaviour) as much as they do, I just need a little more time and help to get there, that's all...I clearly am at a crossroads in my life where I do have some stability spiritually, physically, emotionally and psychologically. And I no longer need to so forcefully deal with my issues and/or emotions so publicly. Discretion is in order and I agree that now is the time to shift gears and make those kind of changes. Of course I really don't know how to go about it but be patient, I'll get there...

And that is the cool thing about life, is if your still in the game (translation: Still alive) then you are able to make changes, shift your focus and live a better life. I used to think I was trapped, with no recourse, no way out...whoa, was I ever wrong on that account! So another day is another opportunity...and I really do believe that today.

It's About Time!

I've written a great deal about relationships here on the SHOCK. They are another subject that has been very hard for me to get a handle on in my recovery. I did not trust anyone, period after my suicide attempt and getting sober. Any relationship and/or commitment really frightened me and I felt so detached, so much like a loose cannon emotionally, that I didn't want to get close to anyone. And it didn't bother me, I really didn't care because I was comfortable that way.....

I was divorced in late 2005 but in all honesty our marriage was over in the late Winter/early Spring of that same year. The divorce wasn't finalized because we had a house and financial matters to get resolved and that didn't happen until December of 2005.

Before I got sober I was in a relationship with K-Sue (Kim) who I met in an out-patient drug treatment program and she was with me all through the horror of the last year and a half of my drinking and drugging, doing some of those same things herself. We were two addicts, dying right before each other's eyes...

Since 2006 I have only been in one brief relationship (6 weeks) with a woman and have been single and celibate ever since. It it happened that way naturally and eventually became a choice. I just knew, the longer I was in rocovery that I was in no shape to love anyone...I was still hating myself most of the time. I know that was no accident, I had opportunities to get involved with people, I just didn't do it and in hindsight it was the right way to go.

Then K-sue and I reconnected in sobriety and have been very close friends ever since early 2007. As I just stated, I just did not feel comfortable taking the next step though I obviously loved her but I just could not see myself going there as far as a commitment. I knew I still had work to do and honestly, so did she....In a lot of ways it was the healthiest choice I could have made for myself because I was not ready to give myself to a relationship in the way that I feel is required.

Well after four years I have finally seen the light and grown enough emotionally to care about someone else the way they should be cared about. So it is official, Kim and I are boy friend and girlfriend. Quite a BIG...er, HUGE....ah, MAMMOUTH step for me and for her but in a lot of ways it isn't much different. We have been very close confidants and companions all this time so it does seem similar. Plus the trust between us runs very, very deep. Let me say that again: we TRUST each other a lot!

OK, there...I've said it: I'm in a relationship! And quite frankly, I do happen to feel much, much better now!

A long day but a really good day for the most part. I had to run back to Holland this morning and take K-Sue home...we had a great long weekend. I feel pretty good physically after having such a difficult week last week, it seems changing some of the medication/Testosterone therapy has helped a great deal. Having an allergic reaction last week was NOT OK at all...I don't EVER want to experience that again.

Madness + Intensity= ME

Well, well, well....motor mouth has had very little to say the last few days. I suppose I blame that mostly on lethargy from the heat and maybe on a bit of aftershock from the weekend and some rather unpleasant but I suppose necessary discussions. I just feel too much perhaps and am reluctant to share because I'm concerned about the emotion in me coming out inappropriately. One difference in me today is I do choose my words more carefully AND think about what I'm going to say before blurting it out. There is a lot less "Loose Cannon" type behaviour on my part, a great deal less intentional provocation just for sport. I really want to mean what I say and not just unleash a bunch of bull sh*t all the time....

I can honestly say that I have known all my life, from a very early age that felt stuff very intensely. I also sensed that I felt things more deeply it seemed then anyone else...that includes both positive and negative emotions. I've often wondered in hind-sight if that is why I was so attracted then later became addicted to booze/drugs: Because they settled the emotions down, lightened the load in a way. I came to prefer NOT feeling over feeling, of that I am certain but I still wonder why.

Logically getting raped had a major role in that I'm sure...those feelings were just plain awful and I wanted to be as far away as possible from feeling anything to do with that day, that event and the feelings that went with it! But I really came to find normalcy in numbness...it worked well for me for a very, very long time. But eventually it stopped working so you do more drugs, you drink more until the only solution was to be artificially oblivious 24 hours a day through drinking and drug taking. Something had to give and it was a combination of a psychological and physical breakdown followed by an obsession with suicide ending in a failed attempt to take my own life.

So now I live life without the booze...without the drugs. And I have had to learn all over again how to deal with that emotional intensity in a sober and healthy manner. And slowly but surely I have. But I have my moments.

Wednesday night last week my emotions totally got away from me and I frightened the hell out of myself. The target of that anger was my dad. And honestly he had been a jerk, said some really inappropriate things and anger on part, in itself along with annoyance and disappointment was understandable. But I totally lost control of my behaviour and before I knew it I was in his face, screaming at the top of my lungs, using language I rarely if ever use any more. I just exploded, to the point that this 81 year old man was about to punch me in the face...

We separated, I went into my room and absolutely couldn't believe what I had just done. That was NOT me, at least any more and I was so shocked that I had gone to a place, emotionally that I hadn't been to in years. Needless to say I was ashamed and I immediately went back and eventually made things right. The next morning we had one of the best conversations, father/son that I think we've ever had. Sometimes it is very hard to confront the fact that you are more like your father then you wished or ever imagined you were. We are both getting older and facing the fact that we can't always do the things we want to any more. And we both have THAT angry/loud type of temper and the ability to unleash it beyond our control...

And learning to deal with my emotions, clean & sober has really been one of the hardest aspects of my recovery from addiction, even after over 5 years of sobriety. It can still be a struggle because that intensity still exists and now I have a thousand ghosts from days past to deal with as well. I brought some serious personal wreckage and heartbreak into my recovery and the memories (read: Nightmares!) to go with it.

So that is really a huge focus for me today, continuing to learn to live as I am with out altering my natural state of being with alcohol or drugs. And I really do get off on living sober, without changing my mood artificially. That is a huge part of the fun about sobriety...learning that you really can have fun with out drinking...because in the past I couldn't see how I could live with out it...I lived in perpetual FEAR of running out of drink or drugs...I hoarded them both and stashed them like a freakin' squirrel hides away nuts for the winter.

Today I love just being sober, doing things sober that I never did before...And not drinking isn't a drag...nope I do not miss it, I really don't. But there are things I've really had to adjust to and dealing with that natural intensity is one of them....but I keep plugging away. I really hate days like last Wednesday but they are going to happen and the important thing is to rectify the situation then keep moving on. You cannot let mistakes bring you down...it's difficult when you do screw up but that is life. So I'll just keep holding on when the emotional roller coaster starts swirling me around a bit and just understand that's it's all part of the deal!

Unexpected Pleasant Experience:SLEEP!

Nobody, I mean no one here who knows me expected THAT this morning. That being me in bed until nearly 8 am. I was up and going at 6am and that alone is 2-3 hrs or so later then I typically get up in the morning. I was tired...bone weary and really hurting. K-Sue and I lugged rocks out in the lake to re-build the stone retaining wall that holds a rather large lakeside garden. It wasn't a ton of stone work (maybe 3/4 of a ton, lol!) but like most projects it became a bigger deal and more work as we proceeded. We also laid mulch so the gardens are done for the year...

I had an 11a Doc appointment which I was looking forward too because of the hormone therapy I've been on and had issues with lately. Well I was almost to the parking lot when I got a call cancelling the appointment so what were we to do now? We got a few things done in down, Then we met some friends for awhile, hung out and then came home.

I was disappointed because I really need to see the doc about this new hormone therapy I'm on for my health...so I'll re-schedule hopefully next week. Doc Chrissy is pregnant and having some troubles so I wish the best for her and her husband, Chad...also a Doc in his own rite.

I'm keeping this short today because I want to just quiet down a little bit and quietly relax so SSSSHHHH...that is what I'm gonna do!

Shut Up!

I'm not a very good listener I was recently told. The sad part about that statement is I knew it was true, I'm not a good listener, I'm just not. Being told that wasn't fun either but I couldn't argue, I already knew it was a weakness of mine, granted I was aware of it and trying to do better but still, it was true.

That is a frustrating thing about trying to make wholesale changes in one's life like I have been trying to do, the only certainty in the whole mess is that you will definately fall short in some area or another. And for me, my shortfall has been as a listener...Oh I listen, intently while someone is speaking but I always have something to say in return and often, once I start yaking, I just keep on going and going and going.

And this really bothers me...sometimes during a conversation I will realize I'm doing it and it just freezes me right then and then. It's hard because I so badly want to be the good guy, the good friend, confidant and listener but I cannot help myself..I won't shut up!

It was hard for me to hear from someone I care about that I tend to talk too much (still) and don't seem to ever sit back and listen. My first reaction was to defend myself by saying how much I have progressed in that area of my life and frankly that is true. I've gotten a bit better and I do realize it's an issue but the truth is I've still got a long, long way to go. It's funny sometimes when you ask for another person's feedback because you might hear something you'd really rather NOT hear! But honestly it was good for me and if I was to honestly ask myself, deep down if there was an area in my life where I knew I still had big changes to make...this would have been what I'd have said...I need to be a better listener.

It bothers me to think that people I care about a great deal may think I don't care about them enough to listen to what they have to say when the simple truth is I care a lot and really do want to hear what's going on. It's clearly a character defect and something I still have to work on but I truly hope folks to really think I don't care enough to listen.

I guess I am just going to have to get over the embarrassment and accept that once again I'm not perfect or anywhere even remotely close...let's see if perhaps I can do better from now on.

THE 4th

The 4th of July...Our county's Independence Day, Happy Birthday America!

It's also the third day in a long weekend and we look like we are going to have scorching hot weather again today. It's 5 am and I've been up and at 'em for over an hour. It's weird but I slept better then I have in....well as long as I can remember. A really good night for me.

The holiday is winding down though it was pretty crazy out last night, the revelry in full and I mean FULL swing! Again it's exciting though there are obviously annoying aspects to having the island over run by people who are less then considerate, oblivious to the fact that there are other people on the planet in that they have no respects for the space and property of others, etc.

It will be interesting because the parade is today and that is always fun to watch...

OK gotta bust a move here...the Island Association has their Anneal Meeting at the Golf Course Clubhouse today and I have to help set up so I'm heading up there. Have a happy 4th....

Just Saying Stuff...

I kind of like life today, well sort of...maybe, perhaps. Is that wishy-washy enough for you haha. The day feels surreal as days often do now. It's a strange existence but I accept it now as the way it is going to be. I really can't say whether I prefer the life of constant routine and responsibility to a corporation I had before or the freer, yet less certain and in many ways harder life today.

I think since today still feels like I'm living and learning on the job that the uncertainty brings some negative feeling to the situation. Still the rewards today are great though different, I don't live life stuck in a rut and I'm at least open minded enough to just relax and not let myself get too stressed or sidetracked from the task at hand.

I still feel the need to plan and know what's in store for me but in many ways it's better for me in the long run to roll with it.

Today is going to be hot, my son, his fiancée and K-Sue are all visiting so it should be fun.It actually does feel like a holiday...we have some plans so it should be fun....

I'm off to try and get some ZZZZZZ's so G'night!

Fire Over The Lake

They got finished shooting fireworks over the lake about an hour ago. There was some concern that they would postpone them because we had thunder showers early in the evening but they cleared and by nightfall KABOOM, off they went. Boats lined up in the lake, coming from all around including other lakes. Coldwater Lake is connected to a half dozen other lakes viw barge channels that were used ages ago to transport Coldwater lake Muck up to a concrete plant on Marble Lake, clear at the other end of the chain chain 'o lakes...

So the house is quiet though it's not quiet outside, this evening....The drunken revelry is in full swing. I almost have to chuckle because today I can't even imagine partying like I used to. This morning up at the club house there were a bunch of golfers, really hung-over from the night before drinking "BLOODY"S!" as they headed out for their tee-time.

I use to love Bloody Mary's back in the day but again it kind of freaks me out thinking back to how I drank then...not a pretty memory. But it feels like such freedom to not be enslaved by my addiction, to get a daily reprieve, contingent on my spiritual contingent. And that is the key...my spiritual condition.

OK, time to shut this down and get a few hours of sleep...

Le Tour Begins...

Ah yes, the magical 4th of July weekend is here, ushered in by a wave of golf cart riding teenagers, 8 to a cart and each one simultaneously texting as they cruise around the now congested island streets. Still, it's exciting and different, bringing with it a new vibe and an interesting mass of new people to celebrate the holiday. It's 10 minutes past 5a and I've been up for over 2 hrs. Some things do not change even for holidays, Ach...Why can't I sleep!?

My oldest niece Ang arrived last night, she is the same one whose wedding I attended in Dayton, OH awhile back. Today K-Sue and my son and his fiancée arrive and I'm stoked. It is going to be a super hot yet really perfect holiday summer day. The lake temp is at 75 degrees or better, not bad for a lake justifiably named Coldwater!.

The Le Tour De France begins today and though Lance is no longer riding in it I am still a fan of it so I'll tune in on the Versus/NBC TV coverage for the next few weeks....It looks like NBC now has the Vs Cable TV Channel so the coverage is combined. I hope they still have the same commentators because their coverage the last few years has been awesome....

Alright, well off I go, I'm helping a buddy out a little bit this morning get set up for the big holiday...we'll see you later!

Simple Little Mess!

I'm telling you that even after nearly 49 years of living and experiencing life, I still have days where some of this stuff that goes on just doesn't make any sense. I've always tried to keep an open mind towards different experiences, learning and cultures, etc. but to do it perfectly is impossible. I am a victim of my own arrogance and prejudices...even when I think I'm being so open and accepting.

It is happening to me now as I try and truly accept my own spiritual beliefs. That's right, as I've mentioned before i am still feeling hesitant about coming across as "too Christian" or a "Christian Writer/Christian Blog". I ask myself, "so what if this blog became a Christian Blog...er, wait on that. If I'm a Christian as I say I am, and honestly I really am...isn't it at least a Christian "orientated blog" already? Hmm...perhaps it is.

Any how continuing to write about this is becoming a waste of time so I apologize...Now time to RANT!

OK, the moron next door has literally been running his idiotic weed-wacker for the last 90 freaking minutes. Either he has whacked every single blade of grass in his entire yard (TWICE!) or he dropped dead an hour ago with his finger on the trigger and he is just laying in the yard with the Whacker running...Ach, perhaps I'd better check, hold one minute.

Annoyingly, he is alive and well plus still running his demonic machine from Hell...I imagine hell not only hot and evil but full of constant, irritating noise like weed wacker or nails screeching a chalk board or metal stamping machines: CHOMP-CLANG...CHOMP-CLANG...CHOMP-CLANG...you get the picture, don't you?!

OK, OK...I realize I shouldn't make light of Hell, there isn't anything remotely funny about eternal damnation but I just can't get the image out of my head that it is also filled with all the irritating, close talking, bad-breath people you ever met, yacking away incessantly for all time...truly frightening!

I'll admit, I'm a bit touchy and sarcastic today, once again awake at 3am after going to bed at 12:30a...then a really busy morning. Followed up by trying to catch a few winks before my niece arrives only to be awakened by the Weed Whacking Fool next door..., eerr...such is life, my life!

Honestly I apologize, I'm not sure what this post truly is about but hey, it certainly is what it is...a fun yet simple little mess...my mess I suppose.