Acceptance....The Key That Leads to a CHOICE.

Well, I woke once again to another day. And I must honestly say I have mixed feelings about it. It just hurts to live right now...I mean it physically hurts me to be alive...the pain is so intense and so pervasive that there is no escaping it. So one must accept it for what it is.

Actually that really is the KEY...acceptance. I cannot do anything about the injury...it happened. I cannot take back the hospitalizations, the treatment, the incorrect decisions by doctors, the mistakes or the incredible pain. No all I can do is live on. And for now I choose to live on!

I Can Still Write (sort of)!

This time of year...mid-September is always full of mixed emotions for me. Fall is coming and it is hands down my favorite time of year. But I live on an Island populated heavily by Summer vacationers and their "cottages" (read; Summer Mansions!). So after a few months of streets crowded with kids on golf carts, long lines at the golf course and a lake full of jets ski's and other boats we are now a "Ghost Island".

Usually I don't really consider this phenomenon....it happens and life goes on albeit with a tinge of sadness in the air for the "Lost Summer"...now gone forever. But this year that normal "tinge of sadness" blends into my already heavy emotion due to my Medical issues and just adds to the doom and gloom.

It certainly has become a chore to hold one's head high during this endless series of set-backs and disappointments. The Lost Summer of Misery rolls on into Autumn. I can only hope and pray that this new Surgeon has some answers and willing to initiate surgery right away...for I am MORE THEN READY to get on with it.

My fear is that since he is taking over a case that is brand new (to him) that he will start from scratch with tests and such, delaying the inevitable surgery. But of course I can do nothing about that now except stay positive and focused on the present.

That is difficult because I have some serious issues weighing very heavily on my mind. Typically I would never speak or write about such things for public consumption but this blog is supposed to capture life as I am experiencing it....warts and all. I have written about addiction, deceit and sexual assault because that is reality and needed to be addressed.

I am being overwhelmed with hospital bills and frankly I have expended every option I have. I have worked with creditors, made payments and yet I am more then $25,000 in the hole and haven't even seen the bill from my last hospital stay yet of 6 days. Plus I need major surgery to re-build my right ankle and replace my left knee.

To say I am experiencing some difficult times would be a massive understatement. The phone rings off the hook and it becomes more and more difficult to stay positive. Bills are no longer being paid which bothers me to no end,  yet I have no recourse...I've tried everything...it feels like someone wants me dead.

That is why when people ask how I am I cannot answer them honestly...i just smile, lie and say I am fine. Trust me...I am very FAR from fine!

Yet such is the hand I have been dealt and I must go on but I'll be honest..there are days where pulling the plug and ending the harassment seems ....very enticing. Yet I have been down that road before. It is just frustrating to have always paid my bills on time only to have circumstances beyond my control totally wipe me out. And not only that...there is NO END in sight!

People mean well but it gets old to hear the same old "God will Provide" stuff when frankly, sometimes God does NOT PROVIDE and his people die of starvation in Africa and other places. We must lay in the bed we made...ultimately it is my responsibility and i am failing. That does not sit well.

My lot in life may indeed be to suffer terrible pain, every second of my life, harassed by creditors until I die....I won't know that until that time comes.

Sorry but that is all I can write at this point...I need some fresh  air.

Nothing "Civil" About That War

Anyone who has seen this blog must get some idea that I am interested in the Civil War and/or history. The cover photo comes from a movie that will be out next year about the Western Battles of the war from Shiloh to Sherman's March to the Sea. It is called The Civil War: The Untold Story and will be out next year.

Needless to say I am enthralled with history and in only makes sense that the name of this blog itself is a borrowed World War I military slang term for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. In the Second World War they called it Battle Fatigue.

I thought it appropriate considering the subject matter I was going to be dealing with in writing and the emotional and psychological effect it had on me through out the years. 

Not sure why I am posting this but I thought a bit of background info might be interesting to some of our readers. The picture on top is from the movie, The bottom from the actual Battlefield at Antietam and the others are from various re-enactments held this year as many Civil War Battles had their 150th anniversary, including Gettysburg, Vicksburg, Chancellorsville and Chickamauga/Chattanooga.

The SILENT SCREAM

I do realize that my latest run of medical misfortune has basically hijacked Shell Shock Serenade. I never intended to be writing about my health every time I post. But that is my reality and there is NO doubt that writing constructively about my pain, the feelings that go along with it and my spiritual condition as a result of this adventure is absolutely healthy and helpful.

But I still feel bad having the subject of every post be about my freaking feet or an infection of the bone....

The latest twist in the mystery of the Infection From Hell is the emotional toll it has taken on me. Calling it mere Depression or my usual "BLACK DOG" doesn't do it justice though I am in no way trying to minimize the effect of Depression.

I seem completely caught in a web of despair that has me convinced that I will never walk again. And I just cannot shake this feeling of impending DOOM that pervades every aspect of my daily life. No matter how much I appeal to God to save me from this misery or just put me out of it.

I am stuck here unable to feel anything positive about the present or the future.....and then that all morphs into one permanent blast of searing, tormenting PAIN and though I scream....not a SOUND comes forth to be heard.  A silent SCREAM for redemption, for pity, for my SANITY to be returned...So I waited...and still I waited...only to be met, in the end by the DEAFENING...Sound of SILENCE.    

Photo Graphic from Pink Floyd's: The WALL        

Suffering GRACEFULLY...Dying FAITHFULLY

Yesterday I posted about how precarious I was feeling spiritually, emotionally and psychologically to go along with the obvious troubling feelings I have had physically. I received a great deal of support through e-mail and FaceBook Messages and it has meant a lot to me.

I wish I could find the right words to express how I feel and why this experience has affected me so powerfully. I think that has as much to do with the challenges to my FAITH and beliefs. Why would God want to see one of HIS Followers suffer so as I have these last five months?

That is but one of the many questions that ad torment and mystery to an already painful ordeal....And I have no final or true answer except to suffer as gracefully and faithfully as possible. Dying HARD is no longer in vogue....NOPE, EXPIRING Softly...with out chaos or fuss, fancy or fakery...is the new way HOME.

I haven't a clue why...I just endeavor to persevere. Then the movie rewinds and begins all over again.

The Struggle Within

Yea folks....I am still hanging on here (literally by a thread) each and every day. Medically things are the same...physically they are still the way they were. Emotionally, psychologically and spiritually things couldn't be more difficult. I am really struggling to hold it together. More later (God Willing).

Living On The BLOGGER"s Ledge....Not Really, HaHa!

Never in my wildest dreams did I intend Shell Shock Serenade to be used basically as a persona/medical UPDATE Apparatus reporting periodically on my health, how I feel, what my experience is, etc. Yet that is about all I am capable of doing with it right now.

One of the symptoms or side-effects of this latest illness is an inability to focus on anything for more then a minute or 2. I often just fall asleep wherever I happen to be. The second reason is the more troubling I think: I am not doing anything in my life right now except SUFFERING that is even remotely worth writing about. I am not trying to be sarcastic, cute or coy...it is the TRUTH. I don't really go anywhere and I cannot physically do very much.

So I am limited to updating on the status of my health and well-being.

Since I just got finished writing that i don't have much toi report on here at Shell Shock....I am going to take a minute and Credit the Photographer, Kathy Thomson.

Kathy and her husband Mike are friends from my church. Kathy has become quite an exceptional photographer in her spare time and I have used dozens of them as Blog Hi-Lights. I have been a photographer and collector of Art all my life and I really appreciate her amazing ability to see things that few other people EVER see.

So Thank You Kathy for the permission to use your work...I imagine it will continue to show up time and again.

At Times, What HE Does Provide Is PAIN and a Hard Lesson...

Late this afternoon....long after one would expect to get a phone call from a doctor's office, the phone rang and it was my surgeons office saying the referral to the Ankle Fusion Surgeon came through. They have scheduled an appointment to see me OCTOBER 3rd, 2013! That is right, nearly 7 freaking weeks away...What last shred of hope I had about getting better burst like blowing a soap bubble into a stiff wind.

I cannot walk, cannot sleep, cannot think straight, cannot do my chores, cannot do ANYTHING without the severe consequences of debilitating PAIN. I was stunned...then in all honesty my shock turned quickly to despair....helplessness and then hopelessness.

I will say this right now...this post is going to upset people. Some may never want to speak to me again. That of course is their prerogative.

I have noticed during this 4 month long ordeal that many people seem to genuinely care , are concerned about me and frequently ask how I am doing. Unfortunately that is when things can often begin to feel uncomfortable. Because in our society, it has become common for people to ask you how you are doing or feeling. What I have discovered is they really don't want to know the answer.

Here is an example from my own experience that has been happening a lot lately.  I will get asked how I am and hows it going. I will answer with the truth that the pain and discomfort is UNBEARABLE and the financial burden is overwhelming.

Let me tell you, the fastest way to get someone to change the subject or leave the room is to tell them you are having extreme financial difficulty. In an instant they are struggling to find something helpful yet non-committal to say.

Lately what I have been hearing from people is to Trust god, HE will PROVIDE. Tell me where there a guarantee that God will fix your problems...If people are starving, He may indeed provide a meal of Rats and Sawdust like they ate in Auschwitz.

When you have medical bills like I do where the out of pocket expense now exceeds $14,000 (and remember, I have not even had the surgery to repair the ankle! yet!), It is easy to spout out sayings and quotes when it isn't you that is under the gun, getting harassed, getting the calls, receiving a ton of useless and unwanted advice by every self-appointed adviser. My thoughts are on what a failure I am and, how can I ever climb out of this whole. I'll let you all in on a terrible little truth for me: In the last 3 weeks I have seriously thought about committing suicide on several occasions because I cannot stand the thought of going through another single, solitary day. I sit here all day in excruciating agony and think and pray and suffer. I do wonder WHY Me?!
Not to mention the fact that I am in terrible pain, I'm sick and now have been informed it will be nearly 2 more months before they will even SEE Me to start the surgical process.

Please do not ask questions like how are you, etc if you cannot handle an honest answer. Your response feels demeaning and just isolates me even more.                     

All Things Considered....

Guess what? I'm so excited about this I can hardly type. I went to see the surgeon today to get the details on the ankle fusion they need to do on my right foot. I found out that I am being sent to ANOTHER Doctor who specializes in this sort of procedure. OH GOODY, ANOTHER FREAKING DOCTOR!!

In all honesty, though it will set the time frame back a few weeks or more, it is most likely the best scenario for getting the surgery done correctly once and for all.

I am just trying to get my whole head around everything that has been happening here the last few months. My entire world has been turned totally upside down and I am reeling.
One of the delicate potentially dangerous issues for a person in recovery is pain medication. When you have an ankle as swollen and painful as mine something has to give. Plus I have had multiple medical procedures done and a couple of surgeries coming down the pike. There are legitimate uses of pain meds but it requires openness and honesty on my part.

I only recently gave in and started taking a pain pill at night and one in the morning. It has gone very well but is causing problems with my mother. Alcoholism/Addiction are Family Diseases and it affects everyone in the household and beyond. It is understandable that the people who care about you are concerned yet ultimately the responsibility is your own. I trust that my Creator is here with me through these difficult times...I have no doubt that he is.

As tough a decision as it is the truth is I have lived for 3 months (actually closer to 4) in total agony and pain...the quality of my life is suffering. Suffering is the name of the game, really...to live IS TO SUFFER.

This topic is still quite controversial among recovering Addicts/Alcoholics. Everyone treats this subject according to their own personal preferences. But for me I am doing well and persevering the best I can considering the circumstances.

Thom

PHOTO: Kathy Tomson

I really am not sure what to say here right now. Things have not changed much in my personal life...especially related to my health. I want to be positive and optimistic but my latest experience and circumstance lends itself more toward cynicism, sarcasm. And that is truly unfortunate because a human being only has so much stored up energy, physical as well as psychological and emotional....to endure heartbreak, difficulty and disappointment.

I've been here at the hospital in Battle Creek for 4 days and progress is slow to non-existent. It is frustrating but that is how this whole illness ordeal has been.

It looks like they will do an MRI by tomorrow at the latest to determine if the infection has moved and/or progressed. Then they will determine the best method to continue the anti-biotic. I have a PICC Line in the vein above my heart for long term IV access. Then it sounds like I will discharge from here, have out-patient surgery to remove the old hardware. That they hope will eliminate the infection so they can go in and repair my foot/ankle/leg permanently by fusing the ankle.

That is the plan TODAY...it could change many times between now and when I leave the hospital. But I wanted to update everyone who are concerned and asking about me.

I appreciate all the well wishes and prayers and will keep updating as I can....T