Isolation Island in the Mythical Land of MISTRUST

There are certain aspects of my personality that I was born with and then there are other parts that are a result of my living experience. All my life I have been an introvert...preferring to energize or motivate from within. I like people and their company but I am as or more comfortable in my own company. I know people who cannot stand to be by themselves. I was never bothered by that and frankly I preferred it. I love people and really enjoy them but it's just that I would rather meet and socialize with them on my own terms.

As I grew older and my alcoholism/addiction manifested itself more and more, I isolated myself to an extreme and came to really mistrust others...just about everyone. I was particularly alienated from people who tended to hang out or participate in groups like church or other religious and political organizations.

I considered them "mindless" people who prefer instead the safety one finds in numbers...just like SHEEP do. I believed in a creator but I thought this daily reliance...even dependence on daily prayer and fellowship a terrible weakness. To me church people basically just stood together in false piety to pass judgement on others and justify their own arrogant idea of life, politics and living.

That is why no one was more stunned and surprised at my acceptance of God and Jesus as my Savior then I was. I began to find that to a certain extent I also enjoyed the company of other Christians & going to church and began to feel remorse & guilt at being so harsh & judgmental of others in the past.

But as of late I have started to feel uncomfortable again in the presence of my fellow Christians...even some of the members of the church I attend. I have always been open minded about the choices other folks make for themselves and really believe that people can and should live their lives the way they choose. But I started to feel the evil eye of judgement again along with noting a great deal of hypocritical behavior and gossip in the ranks of people I thought cared about me and whom I had begun to trust. my natural reaction to this was to feel like an idiot for ever letting my guard down and trusting people again.

I am a very open and honest person when it comes to discussing my personal life , it's challenges and failures. I feel like GOD has really demanded that I share my life's details openly with others in the hope that they might find comfort and solace in knowing someone else has walked in their shoes. So that is what I have tried to do even going as far as creating and writing this very blog to achieve that openness and share myself with others...no holds barred, warts & all. It is not easy to share my failures, weaknesses and shortcomings with the entire world but it is something I truly feel compelled to do.

I also work hard at listening to people and being available to them anytime, not just Physically but Emotionally, Psychologically and Spiritually to help them in any way I possibly can. It has become the most important "work" I have ever been involved in and I relish the challenge. It is truly a holy endeavor for me and one I take really seriously. But I am as far from perfect as a human being can get and I make mistakes. I have feelings that can be hurt and aren't always totally rational...especially when it comes to my relationships with other people.

I do not understand and will admit I am less then tolerant of people who proclaim to live their life according to the principles Jesus taught yet in reality do not....they live indulgent, self-oriented lives. And you know what...I have absolutely no problem if that is the life they choose...they work hard at what they do and are entitled to do what they want with their lives. What troubles me is they say they live differently then they do. They pretend to care, to want to help but it is immediately evident that they are horribly uncomfortable in that role. And that is fine...stop pretending that you are something you're not, simple as that.

In the end...what really matters to me is honesty, integrity and sincerity. What I see lately is typical of many I meet these days. Folks will say one thing about themselves then act in a manner contrary to what they say. I know it is difficult at times being that honest with yourself but the reality of life is we are what we are and unless we take drastic measures to adjust and change that...people already know the true nature of who we are. People can spot a phony a million miles away.

One reason I am so terribly bothered by this scenario isn't because I am perfect and think I am better at this then others....No it certainly is not that!  It's that I have spent years living that VERY SAME LIE! I was a PHONY...always trying to be someone I wasn't. What I have learned after years of living in recovery, becoming a Christian and doing my best to live by spiritual principles is that I need to be authentic, true to who and what I am and stop pretending I am something I am not. Hence my feelings of mistrust when I realized there are people who claim to be a friend yet they actions to not jive with their intentions.

Honestly....I have never felt so alone in all my life as I have when I was hurt this past winter and then became very sick with various infections after suffering series of significant injuries and set-backs. People will ask me how I am doing but it has become obvious that they truly didn't want to know the truth...heaven for bid I ask them for help!

And to a certain extent I understand....I really do, I get that...because I've been there. I made a great living before Addiction/Alcoholism literally brought me to my knees and I lost everything materially, nearly killing myself in the process. And there were people who took advantage of our friendship and demanded material help. Several times I purchased cars for people or co-signed loans for people who were down on their luck. The result in many cases was they only wanted more then more and more. Yet there were a couple cases where that was not the case and I ended up realizing that I had really helped someone who needed my help. I never regretted that. That was LOOOOONG before I became a Christian. I discovered GIVING truly was better then receiving.

Because of that experience I now think differently about how I treat others, God has changed me through hard experience & adversity...I chose to come and live with my parents to take care of them in their old age when the obviously could not take care of themselves...it is difficult and not my first choice...trust me. But it is rewarding in ways that I never imagined. Same with the illness and serious injury I have faced this year. This isn't fun....racking up over $120,000 in medical expenses...now over $13,000 out of pocket is not only not fun but the pressure and demands have contributed to the most painful and chaotic, pressure packed period (financially anyway) of my entire life.

Knowing God is with me is a great comfort but I am still responsible and liable for those medical expenses....hence the pressure, the worry and the feelings of helplessness...and it changes a person. Hence I no longer am a new naive Christian. I realize there really are folks who really do not care about me or what happens to me. Initially that realization really hurt but I can live with it. This also makes me realize and appreciate those who truly do care even more.

I have to live my life the way I have to live it. God speaks to me in a language I understand and I know now that he will NOT accept half measures from me. That includes the writing of this post. I realize I have friends who I really care about who may think I am writing about them. But I feel compelled to document my experience, my feelings and how this has affected me...I am not responsible for the feelings of others just as they cannot make me do or feel anything I do not want to feel or do. 

It is not easy nor enjoyable. There are always some who will judge my actions harshly and turn away from me...so be it, in reality they were never really there for me so nothing has been lost except the illusion of trust and friendship.

I am hoping that this will prove to be the catalyst for change and growth...first and foremost within me. I know that I cannot truly effect change in others...only they...and GOD can do that.

Picture by Kathy Tomson

SPRING OFFENSIVE

I post this poem every year during Remembrance (Veterans) Day. Why should this year be any different....


Spring Offensive by Wilfred Owen

Halted against the shade of a last hill,
They fed, and, lying easy, were at ease
And, finding comfortable chests and knees
Carelessly slept. But many there stood still
To face the stark, blank sky beyond the ridge,
Knowing their feet had come to the end of the world.

Marvelling they stood, and watched the long grass swirled
By the May breeze, murmurous with wasp and midge,
For though the summer oozed into their veins
Like the injected drug for their bones' pains,
Sharp on their souls hung the imminent line of grass,
Fearfully flashed the sky's mysterious glass.

Hour after hour they ponder the warm field --
And the far valley behind, where the buttercups
Had blessed with gold their slow boots coming up,
Where even the little brambles would not yield,
But clutched and clung to them like sorrowing hands;
They breathe like trees unstirred.

Till like a cold gust thrilled the little word
At which each body and its soul begird
And tighten them for battle. No alarms
Of bugles, no high flags, no clamorous haste --
Only a lift and flare of eyes that faced
The sun, like a friend with whom their love is done.
O larger shone that smile against the sun, --
Mightier than his whose bounty these have spurned.

So, soon they topped the hill, and raced together
Over an open stretch of herb and heather
Exposed. And instantly the whole sky burned
With fury against them; and soft sudden cups
Opened in thousands for their blood; and the green slopes
Chasmed and steepened sheer to infinite space.

Of them who running on that last high place
Leapt to swift unseen bullets, or went up
On the hot blast and fury of hell's upsurge,
Or plunged and fell away past this world's verge,
Some say God caught them even before they fell.

But what say such as from existence' brink
Ventured but drave too swift to sink.
The few who rushed in the body to enter hell,
And there out-fiending all its fiends and flames
With superhuman inhumanities,
Long-famous glories, immemorial shames --
And crawling slowly back, have by degrees
Regained cool peaceful air in wonder --
Why speak they not of comrades that went under?

NEVER Forget!

No folks, I am not a WAR Monger...just because there is a constant theme in my writing relating to History, War, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, etc., etc.I will not go into the personal details and psychological reasons why I respect & value our military personnel,the incredible job they perform and support all Veterans...I just do. 

I support them for patriotic reasons...for reasons of humanity, ethics, pride, love, respect, honor and the list continues. By supporting Vets I am NOT glorifying war. I know many Veterans of several different wars and all branches of the service. I am a Member of the 100th Infantry Division Reunion Group and have spent countless hours with these ordinary citizens who fought in the Second World War...many seeing horrific combat. I have yet to meet a single, solitary ONE who glorified War.

In reality it was physically and mentally...even spiritually TRAUMATIC for these guys to even discuss what they experienced 60 freaking years AFTER it happened! They still mourn the brothers they left buried in Europe, North Africa and Islands all over the central and south Pacific.

I just really appreciate what our Vets have done for all of us and I really just want to say THANK YOU and I Will NEVER...EVER Forget!

Shards Of A Shattered TRUTH

For many reasons, most of them lame bordering on ridiculous...because they relate to some out-dated sense of chivalry, privacy and personal integrity that is in reality all just an illusion at best and a blatant, out-right LIE at worst, I cannot write about what I just witnessed here in my own home. But it would involve writing openly and honestly about family dysfunction , madness and plain old insanity on a public blog so more then likely I would NEVER be forgiven so I must restrain myself as much as possible from writing the TRUTH.

But I will say that in the 30 years I have lived with this, I have never witnessed the full & unrestrained fury of mental illness (Paranoid Personality Disorder to be exact) unleashed like I just experienced 90 or so minutes ago. Unspeakable hateful name calling, crazy, ridiculous...yes INSANE accusations and some unreal jumping to mad conclusions. 

I am heart-sick right now...I am at this very moment living through the very real and excruciatingly slow breaking of my own HEART into a million shards of shattered glass. TRUTH is the true victim here because we have...I HAVE chosen to live this lie. Dying never looked so good in comparison.

All because I fear the consequences of communicating to one completely imprisoned in the throes of Frothing...Raging...Unquenchable...MADNESS. The very nature of this illness, what makes the recovery or treatable rate so unbelievably small is that the patient's own illness convinces them that all people are out to "get them"...to hurt and humiliate them. So many go to their graves hopelessly entwined in this pathetic paranoid state believing the sole purpose of all other human beings on this planet is to belittle and hurt them.

Heart-breaking actually comes no where close to describing how tragic this god-forsaken illness really is and how much pain and suffering it has caused to the very people I care about the most. Including the one who just the other day called me a lying worthless piece of shit and an asshole 22 times before they left the room only to come back an hour later and act like it never happened.

I fear the Sun has forever set and The King of the DARK NIGHT as settled in for the long HAUL.

Playing Your Lie...

Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. You get bad breaks from good shots; you get good breaks from bad shots- But you have to play the ball where it lies. - Bobby Jones


I find it fascinating that a Lawyer and an amateur golfer born in 1902 had such a simple yet profound and astute view of life. When I first found recovery, the notion of "Acceptance" was drilled into my head. Basically acceptance was realizing that one MUST "play the ball where it lies". I had to accept I was an alcoholic/addict before I could ever take any realistic steps toward recovery. I had to "OWN" my disease...take responsibility for it.

This philosophic notion of playing the ball where it is...not where you WISH it was, is a powerful attitude and most useful when working through life's most difficult and unexpected times. It amazes me how unprepared for life's ups/downs many people are. They live life in a warm & fuzzy cocoon...until trouble visits then they feel sorry for themselves and end up virtually helpless.

To me this notion of "acceptance" not only saved my life but is a positive and helpful daily point of view. No sense trying to kid ourselves...Life IS what it IS, no matter how much we wish it was something different.

The Kaleidoscope of DEATH

Where does the time go when the heart stops beating? The same place as one's breath? Good question and another of a long list of life questions I simply have no answer for.

The Christian Belief (and my own, by the way) says we shall have eternal life. If true, it seems the logical thing to do would be to stop fighting and let the "eternal" part begin....But of course 
that would be killings one's self and some say that is an unpardonable sin, therefore one would forfeit the eternal life promise. 

I am confused. I do not personally know where it says in scripture that suicide is an unforgivable sin....believers who accept Jesus as Lord and Savior are forgiven their Sin...Period. Such is my belief...

Anyhow none of that is really relevant to me because I continue to fight and survive...often against great odds. Why? Truly I know not why....Because I can, I suppose.

I have stated periodically in various posts here on Shell Shock Serenade that I have lived a life internally at WAR. As far back as I can recall I have fought as the same soldier in war dreams...long before I was old enough to even know what it was I was dreaming about. 

I believed I had lived before. Why? Honestly it was the only logical explanation for what was happening to me. I knew things about battle sites I had no business knowing. Where long removed mass graves were on the Somme Battlefield in Northern France. Where long filled in trench systems were and where they went. I sensed that I had been to places I'd never seen before (in this life, anyway) and needed no directions to get there....in the pitch dark of night. A local French farmer from Albert thought I was a ghost...

Standing on what had been a front line trench near Polygon Wood near Ypres, Belgium...I could smell death so strongly that I vomited. Call me crazy....I could care less. I didn't ask for such things to happen to me...they just did. And they always have for as long as I can remember.

In the two posts previous to this one I write of shadow-men...just out of sight. I cannot honestly say whether I am seeing the personification of Evil Himself...stalking me, hunting me, WANTING me...or a vision of a past self who has followed me into a new realm...searching for himself.

I supposed when pressed I'd say that I feel hunted...pursued...by pain, danger and hate. No matter how hard I try I cannot flee far enough away fast enough to dodge his Horrific Majesty...he has me locked into his sites and there is no where to run.

So why do I continue to fight?

(Keep reading future posts my friends, if you dare)

When The Sun Set...In My Blue EYES.

Who is this Dark Shadow-Man that I have been running from all of my life? Who is the ghostly figure lingering just beyond my sight, barely out of reach, tantalizingly just a sliver of finger-tip away? A black heart beats my burial tome...minute after minute...bloody day after day.

Is it real? Or but a figment of an imagination run rampant or the mindless wonderings of a mind gone completely MAD, MAD, MAD!

My first memories were of being chased by darkness, always fighting the setting sun. One day, I knew that very Sun would set in my eyes....and then what?

Where do we go from here and is the dark, shadow man chasing me there...or trying to prevent me from going?

A life lived in constant fear represents a life not truly lived...it's survived. In my opinion, time on this planet MUST have some purpose other then simply to just survive it. I get the fact that some people suspect that life here is but a test....a survival examination perhaps. I actually believed that myself for a very long time. And why wouldn't I? Look at my life: 

Unwanted at birth (I was adopted), Beaten and raped at 12 years of age, A full blown addict/alcoholic by age 17. But then I fought back, started a family, then I got married, had a very lucrative career, full of travel, put kids into college, etc...but the moment I grew to trust that life and the people in it, IT devoured me. The addiction reared it's fearsome self again, followed by divorce, abandonment, hopelessness, despair and a suicide attempt that led to a coma I barely survived.

Then a rare ray of sunshine pierced the billowing black smoke & fire...all that remained of a once vibrant man and his life. Sobriety followed, then HOPE brought with it a life as I never would have imagined. Yet this time around I certainly do not TRUST LIFE, human beings, money/possessions...or really anything else for that matter.

And I am hauntingly aware of that shadowy presence...NEVER far away who I sense wants me...ALL of me. That is the question.....will he get what he desires?!

(continued)

Ocean Side Rendezvous: The Baptism of EVIL (Prelude)

I cannot help but to feel that something or someone very "BAD" is out there....somewhere and they have me right smack in the middle of their cross-hairs. An itchy trigger finger pawing nervously around the firing mechanism of their evil intention.

One bit of CHAOS after another has followed me throughout this year of missteps and misery. How can I NOT feel Hunted...Snake-bitten....Pounded to death by the very HOUNDS of HELL that have vowed from the moment of my birth to torment me to the very end. To bury my wretched excuse for living under a writhing mass of hatred, fear and anger. 

I punch, I claw, I kick and move...fighting to the very end with every stinging ounce of sweat & blood, to hold off the mounting pressure pounding away behind these blood-shot blue eyes. But Wait...who is the enemy here? 

(To Be Continued...)  

Adore...

I won't apologize at all for posting pictures of my Grandchild. I am a Grand father...and a PROUD Grand Pappy at that so I cannot be responsible for spontaneous outbursts of picture producing PRIDE...whether it's on the Internet, on the street or hanging out on the golf course.

The pic above shows my oldest grandson, Mason checking out his new little Bro Miles. I adore this picture....actually, I adore 'em all, hahahaha. 

Miles James

This is my third grandchild, all of which are boys. his name is Miles James Slusser and he was born to my beautiful daughter Chelsea and her husband Joel at 8:46 this morning, November 1st, 2013. They live outside of Greenville, SC and I am sure hoping to find a way to visit and very soon!

Below is a picture of Mile's older brothers Maddox on the left and Mason on the right...