Ahh, thoughts....

Sunday morning and I have been awake since 4am.  A typical beginning to a day for me lately. I do love the hours right before and just after dawn. It's peaceful, quiet, it represents a new start, a new day and at that time the day belongs solely to me. Mostly because i'm usually alone and not many folks around here are awake.

Any time in my opinion is a good time for serious or not so serious thought but this time of day is a particularly favorite time for me. The ole brain is yet uncluttered w/the matters of the day, a new canvas as it were. I have been rather self absorbed as of late. I had some fairly big things going on in my personal life and they dominated my thoughts. Not all of that stuff has been resolved but enough that I can put it away temporarily and think about other people and other things. 

Today is the last day of the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. As I expected, I've enjoyed them and was able to catch quite a bit of the coverage, pretty much every night. I don't care so much for the drama of the side stories but head to head athletic competition whether it be in Alpine or X-Country Skiing, Snow Boarding, Ski Jumping, the Sliding events or the various skating sports I've found very compelling. Most of these are sports that I don't usually follow, just every 4 years at the Olympics. Watching people struggle to fulfill there dreams is inspiring and yes, it can be hard to watch when they fall short but such is life itself. I'll miss the games after tonight...

Speaking of sport, I follow Purdue Football and Basketball, I have all my life. Thanks dad! for that obsession!! Purdue's Basketball team has had a wonderful season losing only 3 games so far and currently being ranked 3rd nationally. They have or had a realistic chance of winning the National Championship this year...until a fluke injury took out their best player with a season ending knee injury.It truly seems unfair, not just to this young man but to his teammates, particularly the two seniors who had a chance to make history and now that chance is slim to none. It just reminds me once again how fleeting life can be...things are great one moment, the next they aren't so great. I still believe with all my heart that it is better to try and fall short then to not participate in life at all. And I've done that whole "hide from life/fail thing",,,,Ach.

More thoughts later today....

Way off track....

Most of the blog posts here are merely my thoughts and/or observations of things I see going on around me. I have also included some original short works of fiction, a series of  memoir style segments from the point of view of a British Solider of the Great War.

I am not a professional historian but I have studied history my entire life. Military history, American, British, Ancient and more recent history plus a great deal of biography and memoirs. The ideas for the short segments come from those sources plus I happen to live a life of a common Great War soldier in my sleep. Yep, I dream a lot of this stuff...I have always, since my earliest memories fought wars in my dreams. I have my own idea of the origin of these dreams but I choose to keep them to myself. Needless to say it was rather troubling to wake from graphic shellfire and hand to hand combat in the middle of the night when you are 8 years old. It was also difficult to explain these "nightmares" to my parents. In the end, I found it easier to keep them to myself.

After years of being haunted in this way I made a couple of journey's to France/Belgium to the Somme, Verdun, Ypres...my reactions to those battlefields, particularly certain areas of the Somme was rather startling. I felt like I'd been there before...honestly, it was almost a comforting feeling. Very strange....to this day I've chosen to not try to define or label these experiences just embrace them when they occur. And they continue to occur frequently during these winter nights in Michigan...

Whoa, did I ever get off the track there! My intention was to just briefly explain the short stories I'm writing in my blog and instead I reveal secrets of mine that will convince most readers that I've lost my mine. I could erase the whole thing and no one would know....Ach, I would know, plus that would be any fun now would it??!!

Mother

I'm here still, I think. The sound, the noise is incredible...I can't hear myself think. I realize the funny taste in my mouth is...dirt. The last series of bombs from Fritz blew in part of the trench block and buried several fellows alive...including me. From the noise, the incredible fury of sound I realize that the fight is still on. The incessant hammering of rifle fire, bombs going off one after the other...a mixture of other sound, human made sounds..shouts, screams, the yelling, crying....

I shrug off the last of the dirt and push through the destroyed block to find myself alone...where are my Pals? Through the haze of smoke in the last light of day I begin to see snippets of images....a body here,German, unmoving...a man, one of ours on his knees, struggling to crawl away..with an arm missing, marking his path with blood. Now many corpses litter the remains of the trench floor, I move cautiously round a bend in the trench and I'm face to face with my enemy. I see him first, run him through the throat and he remains standing, frozen in time with a silent scream staring intently back at the man who just killed him. After a while of gazing back into the dead mans eyes, I remove the bayonet, he crumples to the ground. I stick him again, then again....dead. I pause, take a deep breath then begin to move again down the trench only to deflect a swinging trench shovel w/the butt of my rifle at the last second. Shouts from behind as lads from 3rd Welsh Fusiliers come up, over and through the broken and battered trench block. The Welsh lay down a sheet of rifle fire and a barrage of bombs on the next series of strong-points in the trench system. The German with the shovel dies in the onslaught. Systematically they bomb there way down the trench, eliminating dug outs and surviving Germans as they go. As quickly as the appeared, they were gone, lost in the smoke, lost in time like ghosts from Hell or Avenging Angels....

A cold shiver passes through me as I struggle to remain standing. I am confused by my weakness until stretcher bearers come through....In the chaotic confusion of the fight I failed to realize I'd been shot through the left thigh and am now missing parts of two fingers on my right hand. Seems it was my hand on the rifle butt that deflected the Hun shovel..

Suddenly I see a man from the Medical Corps, his face right in front of me and he is talking, his lips move but I don't understand what he is saying. It doesn't make any sense to me then I realize that I feel faint. With much help I am moved back through the trench we have just taken from Fritz. I can't begin to describe the horror of what I see: a private window into a small piece of the underworld. Bodies, parts of bodies, once human gobs of goo, chunks of stuff along with equipment strewn everywhere. In a large junction of several trench avenues I wait with other wounded to be moved back, behind the line to receive medical attention. I lay on the cold, hard packed dirt of the trench and slowly the intense noise of the previous hours begins to fade. I relax, I urinate where I lie but I feel OK yet I swear I hear a familiar voice...soft, comforting...Is it, no!? How can that be?...it is my Mother.

After the storm

Now that is a relief...patience comes in to play as I wait 4 to 6 weeks for the final word but everything went really well today. Funny how effective honesty is...it never goes out of style!

I know I've been somewhat vague here concerning these last few posts and i am still in a position where it wouldn't be appropriate to talk openly about these things at this point.Let's just say I have recently taken some big steps in beginning to start my life over again after many years of pain, struggle and heartache. It really is about beginning again and I had to start by changing ME in a lot of different ways.

As readers may have already gathered, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, cleans and sober since June 6, 2006. Yea, I of all people have D-Day as my anniversary date...go figure!!But that is only a little part of the changes I have had to make in the last several years. Getting honest w/myself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In the past it was never my fault or my problem...it was always something or someone else who was responsible, never me. Over the years I lost everything that had been important to me...some I miss, some I never really needed in the first place. When you start over at 47 yrs old w/basically nothing, you start to learn about what is really important in this life.

Relationships w/others...a spiritual life, a life in service of others, etc. These things have become important to me today. The money and possessions mean nothing w/out these things. I'm a happier, healthier person today then I have ever been. Life is simpler, not easy..not by a long shot but who ever said it was going to be.

Today I stood up for myself and took some major steps in living a full, well rounded life again. Sorry for the vagueness I just can't discuss certain things at this point. Thanks for listening....

It is time...

Well, well...the day that I have been waiting for (or dreading, depending on my mood) for over 4 years. 11a eastern, Lansing MI.

I have do hope today and honesty is the best friend I have. It's been a tough 4 yrs, no doubt for all the pain and difficulty but that's change...it ain't easy. But as I sit here this morning...it is worth it.

Though there have been some dark days, I see nothing but light and I do not fear the future, whether it be the events later on this morning or what tomorrow may bring. Oddly, I'm at peace....

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace....

Excerpts from the Serenity Prayer

A day away....

Ach...still alive and snifflin'....um, kickin' I mean. Tomorrow is another day....ah, but it's not grasshopper, it's not. Do I dare hope this time? I'm afraid to be hopeful...

I only hope & pray that good decisions are made tomorrow.

My thing

I know, a lot of people have fantasies about what they would do if they ever came into big $$ suddenly like hit the lotto, for example.  Big houses, boats, travel, taking care  of family and friends...all sorts of ways to spend that ching.

Me? Ummm, ahhhh, I would travel to W Hollywood CA, hit High Voltage Tattoo http://www.highvoltagetattoo.com/ and get another tat or 3 from Kat Von D. Yea I know, but I think she is an incredible artist and it's my thing and my freaking $$ fantasy so bugger off, OK!?

Feeling lousy, thank you....

Hey, I fought the good fight. All winter long I had remained healthy: no sniffles, coughs, colds, fevers...not even a sinking spell as my Grandmother would say. The last five days have been fairly miserable, if I do say so myself. I still managed to function for the most part but did miss a day of work, today as a matter of fact. I couldn't avoid it and I wasn't going to go out in this lousy, cold and wet, windy winter day and set back all the progress I had made up to this point. Hunker down, drink lots of fluids, sleep, eat (no problem there, it was stomach flu thank god!!) and rest. None of this is easy...I don't sit still very easily...even when reading a good book. I am constantly up, then down then will move over there then over here, etc., etc.....staying in one place, staying calm, relaxing for me is very hard. It almost hurts to be so stationary....how nuts, I know but how true it is.

I have recently lived in fear of getting ill because I have no health insurance. What a terrible feeling it was to realize this sore throat , fever and cough weren't going away any time soon. I just hoped it wouldn't need a doctors treatment and that the remedy for this ailment was time and rest. So far, so good. I self-purchased it for 17 months but at $388 month that was much more then I could afford. It was lousy, bottom of the barrel BCBS to boot. When I needed it like for knee surgery it would only pay a small %, what a rip off. 

I am in the unique position to view this whole debate about health insurance and I have to admit...even though I would love to have it right now, government sponsored, whatever...this just doesn't seem like a good answer to our countries health care issues. It has nothing to do with my pride....if it was a reasonable and fair program I'd do it but I don't believe it is. So I'll continue to go on waiting for the other shoe to drop, day after freaking day.....

So sick....

I don't care. I really don't..I never did. The man is a golfer and a very good golfer at that. Probably the best professional golfer there has ever been. Sure,I admire that fact...achievement in one's field of endeavor, even if that happens to be golf is something that impresses me. Hard work, perseverance, dedication, all that matters to me and should be appreciated. What he did and does in his personal life means absolutely nothing to me, it really doesn't even register. I admire him as an athlete not as a person so why would it be important to me? It astounds me how affected some people seem to be by the travails of Tiger Woods. Well sort of...

Just because someone hired him to advertise and sell their products this torrid affair shit is important to every human being on the planet? Every TV Station in America gave him 15 minutes of live air time to him because we should be interested in what he does in his personal life? I couldn't disagree more. If anyone other then his wife and family should be concerned it's those businesses who decided to tie their business fortunes to the image of a human being, that was just plain dumb. Last I knew....us humans are a flawed entity. We fuck up...constantly, it's part of our nature and we are really good at it. We are not perfect...will never, ever, ever be perfect. Anyone who believed differently is an idiot or seriously outta touch with reality.

Tiger Woods is human....he screwed everyone over who bought his gig that he led a perfect life. It was a joke from the start....anyone could see his image was completely manufactured...hell he even looked like a robot...except when he played golf. That is his gift...his thing. He attempted to control the uncontrollable....life itself and human nature! Life tends to have a mind (and sense of humor)all it's own. Nothing works the way it is supposed to or we want it to.

I hope we've seen the end of the media sharks snapping at all the tawdry chum in the water but we shouldn't count on it. The way Journalists justify their profession as some sort of sacred truth seeking is enough to make me vomit. They want to generate $$, that is all it's about, that is all it's ever about in our society today, "revenue making news". They have no true "right" to ask for answers to these most personal types of questions between a man and his wife. In my opinion, He owes us nothing....

A Quiet Life

Quiet. Yes, it is really quiet around here today. The house is quiet, outside with light snow falling, there is almost a silence, my heart, the Heart remains still, quiet not serene yet poised, haunted in a peaceful kind of way....