The Spectre Looks Back At Me...

I wonder if anyone else has ever had a situation where one of the worst experiences of their life is played out by somebody else right before your eyes. The only difference is that the very sick addict, trembling in the hospital bed this afternoon, emaciated, unable to eat, mumbling his words isn't ME but somebody I happen to really care about. Otherwise the experience I had today, what I just witnessed was the exact scenario that I described in several recent posts when Kim saved my life after an overdose.

This fellow addict originally had Pneumonia (Just like I did) but it suddenly went away leaving a real mystery for everyone who is involved in this case...except for me and my buddy, G. We see it for what it IS: This is related to his Addiction/Alcoholism: An overdose or overload...call it what you want but he had been consuming more drugs and booze then his body or his MIND could adequately process...this was an OVERDOSE in my opinion, plain and simple. And I have experienced enough of these myself, personally and with K that I am pretty certain about this.

This is heartbreaking stuff...I spoke to him for 20 minutes just two weeks or so ago about all sorts of stuff...now he really can't speak a coherent sentence. I also think about the fact that six short years ago that was me...seriously, I was EXACTLY LIKE THAT! The scenario is almost completely identical...the only difference is that he is in the hospital bed today and not yours truly. Nobody knows what the true cause of his "illness" is or what happened...that too, was  just like my situation. And I didn't have a clue at the time either so I was perfectly happy to let them think it was pneumonia. I noticed that he also had a staff member assigned to his room..24/7. That means they (the doctors) suspect a potential suicide risk...again, just like in my case. It completely freaks me out how similar this all is...

It's weird but deep down in my heart, I know exactly what is happening to him...but some of the actions taken by family, physicians and friends, some of them anyway...are enabling him to continue to stay sick. In all honesty, certain people who truly care about him are actually loving him to DEATH...literally! That's right, they are contributing to his death. And this is not unusual...they are really trying to help but I believe he doesn't have many opportunities left to save his own life. He needs to really feel the pain and consequences of his actions...perhaps then he will surrender the fight and give up.

  Right now the Doctors are trying to find the extent of any damage to his brain...he will then probably go to a nursing home then to recover. I suspect that he will recover, including his brain function or most of it anyone (again, same situation as me, I lost a good chunk of my short-term memory but otherwise I'm OK)...it is freaking hard to kill an addict sometimes when they've dug in to resist...we become toxic, human cock-roaches in a way.

My hope and prayer is that he recovers enough that perhaps we can chat for awhile and I might be able to share my story. He may or may not be willing to chat, I haven't a clue but honestly there probably is only an outside chance that he may be interested. It's incredible, but addicts think they still are in control even when they are at deaths door like he was just a few days ago. Or sitting in a hospital bed, in a diaper hardly able to speak and unable to feed himself like this afternoon. Yet in his mind he is probably thinking..."When I get out of this god forsaken hell-hole I'll get this all figured out somehow!"

So...for now, all we can do is pray and continue to visit him. I feel pretty strongly the nudge to continue on spending time with him. I don't know what will happen but I do know I can show up and show him I care about him, tell him I love him...and share with him that God loves him too. I can really see it in his eyes...like a mirror reflection of my own hopeless stare when I was in the exact place he is today. I can clearly sense that he cannot believe that ANYONE would love him, EVER and for any reason at all. he feels unlovable, lonely and hopeless...He is at the very end of his rope...just dangling.

Little does he realize, if he'd just let go and surrender...His friends are ready to help him and most importantly: God's right there waiting to catch him.

Mid-Afternoon SHOCK!

Midi-afternoon blog posts aren't typically my cup o tea but since I've been laid up a bit the last couple of days with my Injured Back and Nerved Damaged Feet I figured it gives me something constructive to do instead of just trying to sleep. The likely-hood of getting an actual nap in around here in the middle of the day during the Summer is highly unlikely...too many boats, too much construction, lawn cutting and phones ringing off the hook. So my friends, you get another post, hopefully one still worthy of your reading time.

Which had me thinking about the kinds of post that I write. A couple of days ago I wrote some a few lighter more conversational posts thinking that my usual fair of hard reality topics might be wearing on some people who try to read Shell Shock rather frequently. And you know what happens? The number of hits drops by 50%! No kidding...so I interpret that to mean that the typical "SHOCK Reader" wants me to cut to the chase...It the hard stuff, stick to reality, my reality & leave the fluff and comedy to others. OK I suppose I'm not really surprised by that...I'm the very same way.

I have had some people tell me that the content is too heavy, too often but honestly, I'm living it and writing about it and it doesn't really bother me. On the contrary...the act of getting it out into the open and dealing with it actually lightens the daily emotional load. Perhaps the reader has discovered the same thing for themselves...

Anyway, I'm not going to go too far out of my way to "lighten things up" in the future. I mean there will always be lighter, hopefully cheerful posts but I will no longer fret about there being to much "HEAVY material" anymore. I think when someone chooses to read a blog called "Shell Shock Serenade" they are NOT expecting  to read about Butterfly's, Marmalade and folks running around with flowers in their hair". This blog is about my life, it ain't about the Summer of Love!

So I suppose I should just stick to what I know...heartache, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, self-hate, suicide, drug overdoses...you name it, if it hurts, I'm all about it! OK, OK...I'm exagerating a bit but basically the strength of my story is what happened, what I felt and what I did to get out of that situation. I feel pretty confident today that anyone chossing to read this blog wants it straight: no sugar coating...just lay out the truth and let it speak for itself.

Right in the middle of writing this post I got a call from my good friend G. We haven't really gotten a chance to catch up lately so we were talking about what's been happening of late. He is someone I look to as a spiritual mentor, in addition to being a dear friend.

Just before we hung up he told me about a guy we both know who is now in the hospital in really bad shape. He has occasionally read this blog so I'm not going to go into detail about his situation except to say as G was relating to me about visiting him today in the hospital, it occurred to me that I had been in almost the exact same type of place physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. He has NO HOPE. He is Hopeless...he feels hopeless. Now that is a feeling, no matter how long I live that I always will remember..God is never going to let me forget how that feels.

Man, that really hits home....I'll tell you, this recovery thing NEVER really gets easy because to keep what I have (sobriety) I have to give it away (help others) and to do that I have to be with them. See them, talkohb     to them and feel their pain, their loneliness, their hopelessness...there is NOT an easy way to do that, let me tell you. I am a human sponge when it comes to pain...

So as I wrap up what initially started as a bit of fun posting about subject matter for this blog, I feel humbled to know a friend is really hurting right now. That never gets easier to take either...

(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)

The ECHO...of Sorrow

I think for a long time I've carried with me in life an aura or ECHO of Sorrow. On the surface, at first thought this certainly looks and feels like a negative thing. On further review I beg to differ...I see it as a "living rememberance". I do not wallow in sorrow, at least I don't these days and I do not obsess over it either. It is there, a constant reminder of what "what WAS and what can be again" if I forget...

The ghosts of the past, once haunting, faceless spectres from a horrifying nightmare that was once my reality have now become familiar. And slowly but surely they have also become, in a rather strange twist of fate...friends. Friends in a sense that we share a common past, we now know each other in the most intimate way...our strengths and our weaknesses...the good times and the bad, the very, very bad. Yet we survived...together once and always I suppose.

Memories float through my mind, echoes of that "other time" yet they are the bridge that connects that particular piece of the past to the present and provides the perspective, the background emotion and information, as it were...for the healing wind that currently blows my way. And it truly has blown right over and through me in recent times, bringing that very long lost peace and serenity I have sought all my life.

I've often thought of the past in terms of an "echo"... because that is how I relate to it as a reacurring reminder, a fleeting, far off sound...lingering just beyond my physical touch, so distant yet very real and critically important to my life today.

And what of that old friend Sorrow, never truly right here/right now yet never EVER very far away? Well today, she gently reminds me how grateful I am to be here this morning, alive and still sharing this life with all those who love me, love me, love me...to them I say: Thanks and...I Love You.

Sometimes...I Still Cry

A bit of residue from that last post still remains...it may stick around for awhile. A tough day really for this ADDICT...I had some appointments I had to tend to this morning with my folks, of course my back and legs are in pretty bad shape at the moment and all that running around earlier certainly didn't help. And besides the physical pain I couldn't control, I had then go and write about a very difficult incident from my past emotionally, something I could have avoided doing...yet DIDN'T!

After writing that post I called Kim who is back home in Holland (Michigan), I felt like I had better talk to her because I have a tendency of kicking out posts sometimes without thinking about the consequences...I definately did that again tonight. K-Sue was perfectly fine with me posting about that subject but it is just as painful of a memory for her, as it is for me and it still seems very real because she literally thought I'd died that day.

So we talked about it for 15 minutes or so, going into some detail not only about what she experienced that morning but I shared with her for the first time in some detail what I remembered and what I really saw. It was heartbreaking to recount it all over again...that stuff STILL really, really HURTS! It began to overwhelm me so I had to ask that we stop talking about it for the time being and so we did.

I am very fortunate to have a partner in life who cares enough to fight for me, to take that risk, to endure the pain...I never ever had anyone do that for me before. She undoubtedly saved my life that morning, the EMT and the Doctors later told me that. I also had severe pneumonia and the fluid had built up so badly in my lungs that I would likely would have died if I hadn't been forcefully revived like I was. It was a darn close call and I think that is why we both get really emotional about it now when we think back to that time...

Honestly and I say this with as little exaggeration as I can....I still can't believe either one of us actually survived that time in our lives. We were living so dangerously, simply by the amount of drugs we were doing. Mixing and matching Cocaine, Methadone, Ritalin, Morphine, Oxycontin, Fentanyl and drinking on top of it. Our hearts should have collectively exploded from the sheer volume of drugs we ingested...

The simple fact that we found each other again after a year apart and then spent 4 years as very, best friends tells me this is something very, very special. When I think about what we have been through together and the fact that if anything, it has actually made us stronger, closer to each other and brought us both to God, well it's obviously a special thing...I feel so blessed, I am so very grateful for our time together...it makes nights like this when we are apart so hard yet one day, it will all be worth it.

So though it really hurts when I think of those very difficult days, I know now that we wouldn't have what we do today if it weren't for those tough yesterdays...so I'll always remember what it took to get us to this point and NEVER, ever forget!.

It Is I: The Addict...Who Cries Now.

So...when I really start to think about what I am, an addict, an alcoholic...I often begin to feel very frightened. The reason for the fear is this: Those two words: addict and alcoholic...are more then mere words...to me they represent a whole array of painful feelings and horrifying experiences.

Some people in recovery circles make a point of keeping track of how many people they have known that have died from this disease of Alcoholism/Addiction...I am definately NOT one of them. Mainly because the reality of that TRUTH would be much too hard to take...because there have been so many.

Addicts and Alkies it seems...find a wide variety of ways to die: Car Accidents, Illness, Suicide, Organ Failure, Dumb Accidents, drowning/choking in their own VOMIT, etc. I think you get the picture...I had a good friend, Mike K. from High School who had moved to New Orleans after Senior Year. He walked out of a crowded bar (friends said he was highly intoxicated...a normal state for Mike) onto a crowded sidewalk and into a busy street..right in front of a delivery truck. Mike was close friend #4 who had died that YEAR. Yea...4 dead friends that year alone! !981 was a very BAD year to be a friend of mine!! Hell I was barely out of school, my life had just begun and I already was a freakin' expert at going to funerals!

So when I think of what I am and what I have experienced, it does give one the strange sensation of having cheated DEATH...and for me, on more then one occasion. It is also a profoundly humbling reality I realize and I am so grateful to be in the position that I am in today: alive, sober, actively trying to help others, following the Lord, instead of being just another drunken statistic. It certainly could have ended that way...

I'm not sure if I ever told Kim this, probably not because I was too ashamed but I have a memory that I have carried with now for six years or so that haunts me to this day.

I don't recall all the details but this was back when K-Sue and I were boyfriend/girlfriend the first time around but in reality we were Junkie Buddies (I was her Sugar Daddy): Doing dope, scoring dope and just trying to stay alive...She had found me in my bed, unresponsive. She could not revive me and couldn't really get a heartbeat.

She called the Emergency Squad and they rushed over to the house and attempted to revive me. For a long time I always pretended that I didn't have ANY recollection of that experience but it was a lie.

That farmhouse in Fennville, MI had the Master bedroom upstairs and their was a rather lengthy and winding staircase to the second floor. As the Paramedics struggled to bring me down those stairs, head first I remember looking out into the living room below and seeing Kim. I don't think I could ever handle seeing that expression on her face ever again. She looked completely and totally in SHOCK, deflated.

She thought I was DEAD...


DEAD...I don't really know what she was thinking, we havn't really discussed that moment very much, just in terms of being grateful she found me and I survived...but again I'm not sure I ever mentioned to her that I saw her. Perhaps I have...I'm sure I'll find out pretty soon after this gets posted!

Those are the memories that break your heart to pieces...that make you old WAY before your time. A friend and I once had to tell a newly married woman, holding her 3 month old daughter that her husband was dead...he dumped his motorcycle over a guard rail on Highway 315 in Columbus, Ohio near Riverside Hospital coming home drunk from a company softball game. I'll never forget her expression either as she nearly dropped the baby into my arms and fell into my buddies arms, screaming NO-NO-NO at the top of her lungs. Later, my buddy Mike and I  identified her husband's (also named Mike) body ( We worked with him at Continental Office Supply and she was too distraught to do it). Trust me, I won't forget the expression on HIS lifeless face either...

As much as we use those words in our society today: addict/alcoholic, the true meaning of them is usually missed by the majority of people who hear them...and honestly, Thank God! At last they don't have to know what I know. What I learned the hard way...


(Painting by Pablo Picasso)

Physical PAIN

These are the times that really kick my a**...not only physically for sure but psychologically, emotionally and then spiritually. I am having a first rate, 100% full blown back related "episode", one like I haven't experienced in a couple years at least. The pain in my lower back is incredible at the moment...making routine behaviors and movement nearly impossible.

These are the episodes that have often frightened me because of their intensity...your mind starts to play tricks on you, telling me that this time the pain will never diminish, it will never go away. Of course this is the nightmare scenario I've lived with ever since I started having chronic pain in the mid to late 1980's....that it would never go away.

There was a time early in my recovery when I would get nervous that this kind of thing would drive me to drink or do drugs...that reality has never come to pass mainly because I kept doing what I need to do to maintain my sobriety on a daily basis. It always stayed the top priority in my life because I knew that if it wasn't...well I would use again.

My back/nerve disability is always going to be a constant challenge for me...pain...constant, chronic, gnawing pain is will drive the sanest person crazy given time. It is something I have had to deal with and do so very carefully because of my addiction. When medication has been required (and it has at various times), it was and is always handled by a third party because I never wanted to take the risk of doing it for myself. But it is a slippery slope because I am a master manipulator and can justify ANYTHING. I have also gotten to be a pretty persuasive person and can talk anyone, including myself into doing things I shouldn't.

I certainly would rather not have to deal with constant, chronic, debilitating pain...it would make my life so much easier but that is the cross I must bear.

And episodes like this one I am experiencing now always seem like the worst because I have gone quite some time where the pain has been at a more manageable level...so when it dramatically increases, like it has the last day or so...it really seems intense.

My experience tells me that the pain will pass...there are also many physical and meditative techniques I can use to help me manage this episode plus sometimes I just need to put my life on hold for a day or two...That is what disability is all about sometimes. I don't like it but it is what it is...I'm not very good at sitting still, taking it easy or listening to GOOD advice but again I've learned to do what I needs to be done to heal and move on.

So we'll just have to see how it plays out. It's times like these that really emphasise to me that I need to make a decision about getting the back fusion I've been thinking about. That is a 6 month recovery period but it may limit mobility enough to stop these kinds of things from happening.

I'm still digging out from a mountain of hospital bills from being at the Mayo Clinic this Spring and having stomach surgery a few months ago so I'm going to have to wait a little while anyway, I already know and accept that. So it's time to pray and meditate for awhile and see what the Big Boss has to say about it...


(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)

The Writer's Dilemma

For some reason, when I write a blog post on Google Chrome, the font all comes out the same size no matter what I have it set for. And the size is very small...when I use Internet Explorer I can control the font size but everything is very slow and not user friendly so i have a dilemma. Use IE and have nice, large readable print but be frustrated as I can be using it or continue with Google Chrome and be happy writing it but know there are people reading or trying to read it who are NOT happy...

I asked in a post over a month ago if anyone knew why the font would stay small but no one responded so I assumed it wasn't a problem. Honestly I like being able to change the font size and style to give the blog some written variety but I much prefer Chrome and using it so right now I'm seriously thinking of switching back to it..

I hardly feel justified blogging about this drivel but it is an issue so here it is...I think after a few super "light-weight" subject matter blogs I'm more then ready now to dig DEEP and post about the DARK SIDE again! Now won't that be fun boys and girls!!

I suppose blog maintenance is a justifyable topic to write about here on The SHOCK but since I am usually one to lean toward the harder hitting, painful type stuff it seems a tad frivilous to me...

So we'll end this post tonight and perhaps I'll have something else I feel motivated enough to write about at this hour of the night. Stay tuned and you may just find out...

IYOPAWA ISLAND...Home

Today was another strange kind of day...Sundays often are for me and have been historically a bit different. They really were awful when I worked third shift because I literally waited around all day to go to work that night. I couldn't sleep before hand so the work night really was unpleasant as well.


When you live in a resort type area as I do now (Holland MI also had "Summer People" too)Sunday is different because it is the day the weekenders head home. They mostly stay until evening then leave except for days like today where it rained in the mid-afternoon and a whole bunch of folks headed home early.


Of course the rain stopped, the sun came out and it was beautiful the rest of the day but hey...it's their loss. Being a full time resident it's a cool night, Sunday night because it's like we get our island back from the RUDE, Careless, Loud, Obnoxious Brat Teenagers who cruise the entire weekend in their Mummy's and Daddy's 15K Golf Cart with stereo system...it really is getting ridiculous.


If you think I'm exaggerating...well I'm not, not at all. It get tiresome that's all. Hey, I'm all for having fun, I really am but don't do it at somebody else's expense...and it seems like Mum and dad get here on Friday night make a cocktail then tell the kids to take the golf cart and jet ski's and stay out of their hair. there were 4 6 year olds driving around by themselves yesterday...this is a real county road, it's not like a park road, there are cars, walkers, bikers, trucks...and little kids driving golf carts doing 20mph. No kidding, some one is gonna get hurt...


All right, enough whining...I sound like my father "them damn kids is ruining the freakin' world...nobody cares anymore...yada yada yada..."

I still love living here...and I wouldn't want to go anywhere else. It is nice when the seasons over...like in the fall when most folks have left for the Summer or Florida...we have the place to ourselves. I love it...


I wish I had some old photos of the original cottage and the island 40 years ago so i could post some of them here. It was an idyllic place to spend summers...especially for a boy like me who loved to be outside, exploring, swimming, fishing..you name it. every evening my Grandma went on a walk around the island to pick various wild berries that grew and then she would bake these incredible pies. We would have Bluegill for breakfast most every morning with eggs or pancakes...waffles..it was amazing.


Even though that magic has dissipated somewhat it still has a special feel to it. I'm getting ready to go for a walk and I am just in awe of the 200 year old trees, towering above all...they are HUGE. Anyway...I'm outta here...

Autumn...It's a Coming!

I have to admit after writing all the HEAVY posts about dying, reincarnation, addiction, etc. that it was time to write about something else! I certainly am ready to think about something other then the difficult parts of living and growing these days.

Autumn is coming... I mean it is right around the corner and I for one, always really look forward to it. I admit that I am a person who really likes all the seasons of the year but if I have to choose...Fall is my favorite time by far. I was born in October and the setting of this time of year, the changing leave's vibrant colors providing a vivid backdrop for College Football, burning leaf piles and cool, crisp evenings. Pumpkins and corn being harvested...

I have lived in the Mid-West all my life but until I moved to Holland, MI in 1984 I had always lived in a big city suburb. Holland was (and is) a small town that not only has a factory/blue collar feel but a farm community feel as well. I lived in the country outside of town most of the 21 years that I lived there. I really took to the country and could live there again in a heartbeat...

So this time of year, Fall always has me thinking about being outside, picking apples, smoke swirling up from the piles of leaves being burned by the sides of the road...carts full of pumpkins for sale in every other farm yard.

Going to Purdue Boilermaker Football Games with my father is another Fall Tradition in my family. We have had Season Football Tickets for decades now and even when dad and I didn't get along very well, we spent Saturday afternoons together at football games...I really attribute our good relationship today to spending all that time together then. After the very rough and tough teenage years we had to get to know (and accept) each other again...going to games together allowed us to do that...

So I am excited about the onset of Autumn...yea, I do hate to see Summer slip away, I know it is a cliche but time really flew this year. Only another week or two and the football season's start, hey high School Football already started in Indiana this past Friday...good Apple Cider, Pumpkins and crisp cool weather is sure to follow!

It's Who I Am...

I...ah, hmm....kind of laid it all out there for anyone to see with my last post about reincarnation. Well if any of you were still thinking that I was this sane, normal guy...you surely think I'm a complete freakin' KOOK now! Hey now...what can I say, it is the way that I have seen and felt things since I was a wee lad and I'm not ashamed or hesitant about admitting that it is disturbing me right now. I have some confusion based on my beliefs as a Christian because they conflict with something I have believed all my life. I am really unsure of what to think...how to feel or what to do.

I e-mailed the link of that post and an accompanying note to my good friend and pastor Shayne, explaining my feelings, my concerns and some questions I have about this subject of reincarnation and how it relates to my life today. I'm fortunate to have such good and caring friends...I won't go into specifics but he helped me put this in perspective and it has calmed some of the conflicted emotions I was experiencing. He suggested I start with prayer and meditation, because communicating with God is probably the single most important and helpful thing I can do in my life today. And not surprisingly, it was exactly what I needed to do to get going...Get re-connected to God.

He re-assured me that I am not really crazy, that I was a very young boy when this all started who was processing a great deal of information. he reminded me that the human mind is an incredible thing and it has amazing powers to process information and influence how we believe. There could be many explanations for what I felt, thought and saw in my dreams back then and into today, including actual reincarnation. Though he does not believe that it is reincarnation, I was definately surprised that he included that possibility it in his final summary. So I have relaxed, I no longer feel alarmed and I will continue to do the things I've been doing as of late. I trust God today, to take me where I need to go and I feel no threat and no fear...

When I share information like this that is so personal to me, it can be a very difficult experience...on one hand it feels risky, dangerous and can lead me to feeling quite vulnerable...even to the point of drinking again! On the other hand, there is a certain freedom in releasing this information...in getting it out in the open and no longer holding it inside. It was issues like reincarnation, rape and my alcoholism that continued to perpetuate the natural feelings I had of being different then anyone else that I have always had to deal with.

Today I just try and share it as openly and honestly as possible. And though I still feel some reluctance to go all the way and open up about these types of things I know now that God has my back. If another human being judges me because of this, well I'm not really that worried about it today. It doesn't make much difference in the broader sense whether they agree or not as long as I am being honest. Ultimately that is what's important...

So another "TABOO" subject of mine has been subjected to the LIGHT...and it turns out that it wasn't that traumatic after all was said and done. Better to spit it out, share it and be relieved of the burden then to continue to repress the secret and let it eat you up from the inside out. Better risk a bit of embarrassment now then spend half a lifetime trying to hide from the truth. And why hide anyway? The TRUTH shall set you free!