A Little Rain....

Most folks who don't know me outside of the blog wouldn't have any clue that 

I am one of those folks on FaceBook who likes to put quotes up in his 

status. They can come from anywhere but lately there are a lot of 

bible verses because I am really fascinated with what God has had to 

say. I'll quote Churchill or any other famous figure and this morning 

it was a quote by Longfellow and I like it so much that guess what?

That's right kiddies...I'm gonna share it here:

"Thy fate is the most common fate of all. Into each life a little rain 

must fall."

And it's true, at least over the course of half a century of living 

now I have found it so. I am not a guy who expects everything in 

life to go easy, on the contrary I understand it takes pain 

and hardship sometimes to put our lives in true perspective.

Anyway i' thought I'd share a "little rain" with all of you this

morning....

Missing The Ebb...And The Flow

One other result of my health/physical situation these past few weeks is that my attention span and memory are even SHORTER then they usually are. This has resulted in shorter, quirky little blog posts and as I've mentioned recently I am not sure if I really like them or not. 


I enjoyed the ability back then to have the words just flow out and let the post sort of ebb and flow as it developed itself along the way. Today and tonight's post right here is no different...the post is more forced, I have to work each thought and even create it as I go where before the thoughts and ideas came as a stream of conscience...in one big, long burst. That was fun because I would just go along for the ride!


Anyway...that is the end of another late-night...early-morning observation here on the SHOCK. I'm looking forward to the bible reading over at the Nursing home then spending the rest of the day here with my son and his girlfriend. Perhaps I'll check in later but if not...have a HAPPY SATURDAY!

A Different FOCUS...

I was pondering the fact that when I have something important going on in my life or an illness or a family member has an issue..it could be anything really, that other things in life...LIKE the stuff they show on the news becomes less and less important to me. I have noticed in general over...let's say at least the last decade or so that I rarely pay attention to any of the 24/7 continuous "news" programs unless it's an International Tragedy like 9/11 or a weather disaster like Hurricane Katrina. I just tune it out...

I have just gotten to a point where I am naturally blocking this stuff out and focusing on the stuff that is relevant to me...

In doing this I am not finding myself isolated or or at a social disadvantage. I still check the news but I do it either by reading the paper (yep, I am one of THOSE people) or I just check online at my own convenience. I like to control the amount of access that the news agencies have over me and my family.

I live in a house where one person has Fox News on almost constantly on the main television. It doesn't matter WHAT the content the shgow is...that is just not healthy.

I have always had what I consider a HEALTHY mistrust of what the media has to say and I will NEVER take anything they say as truth without first verifying it myself. I don't understand anyone who wouldn't take the time to check out for themselves...That is dangerous in this day and age because people will take advantage.

OK, coffee and book time.....

(Painting: Winslow Homer)

Sticks & Snacks, No Sleep & HOPE

We are launching into a weekend and for my family here on the island...it will be a chance to spend some time with my son Ian and his girlfriend. I'm looking forward to it since I don't get to seem them very often. Let's just hope the health/sleep issues of late cut me a wee bit 'O slack so I can at least be a functional host.




I just got out of a nice, hot shower after spending a couple of hours in 30 degree F temps raking, blowing and picking up leaves/sticks....that shower felt good though I didn't think my tired, brittle bones would ever recover...but eventually, they did.


I will include health updates in my posts but I'll try to keep them short and informative. 


No sleep at all last night and the swallowing issue, with the constricted feeling in my throat is the cause and it is getting worse. I have a 9am appointment Monday with Doc Whitaker so we'll see what's up but this just isn't going to work as it is...something has to change! Today instead of trying to "rest", to lay down and relax...I tried an old tactic of just working through the exhaustion and it turned out alright, I slept for 25 minutes this afternoon. 


Well for now I am going to get a snack and perhaps shut my eyes. See you on the other side...( I HOPE!).

Perspective & Perseverance...

Another evening sitting down before the computer at my grandfather's desk. It has been a day of reflection and a chance to get out and into town for a couple of hours.

I admit that I am still feeling the heavy weight of responsibility, fear and expectation in relation to my medical problems. I am really hurting physically tonight in addition to my concern for the unknown. Honestly though...what can one really do about it now? Whatever is going to happen, WILL happen...then we learn to live with the result then move on. Such is all life really...deal with reality then move on.

In a discussion this morning my buddy and I were talking about putting faith into action. In other words, the main point of living ONE's life is to keep living those lives even when we are quite ill or disabled...even when that illness may be terminal. Now I am NOT facing that prospect of trying to persevere while I know I am dying, but I know people who are and man does my heart go out to them It is difficult enough dealing with my current situation of being ill and disabled yet still attempting to lead full and productive lives. I know right now that I am falling far short of that goal/expectation right now but I know that and I am striving to do better.

So that is the thought I will take with me tonight...to keep moving forward and never lose sight of what 's important.

(Painting: Winslow Homer)

Midnight Insanity

I met this morning for coffee with one of my closest friends...he is a Christian (and one of my mentor's) and in Recovery as well. He is one of the few people I completely trust. And even though he is incredibly busy (he is a small business owner and a Deacon in out church) he finds time to read my blog. 


Well in the course of our discussion he was acting a bit funny and I had a feeling he wanted to tell me something. Well basically he let me know that a lot of my blog posts lately, especially those done when I am awake all night by myself are..well, they make me sound a little bit like I'm NUTS! And they do...because I knew that already, I have written many of those while barely being able to stay awake. Now he didn't use the word NUTS, that was my choice for this post but the point is the same...those posts come across as a bit "off the wall....".


My point for mentioning this here is that I want the readers of Shell Shock to know that I have intentionally left those posts on the blog because they capture a very difficult period in my life. I do think that I have gotten a handle on posting in the middle of the night so you shouldn't see any more of that (I Hope!) but I think it's important for that work and time period to be represented.


But I am not NUTS...at least not permanently so, haha! 


(Photo: Kathy Tomson)

Ach, Old Boy...More Living...Less DEAD!

Yes it's the same old me...different day. And I am still suffering from the effects of sleep-deprivation, financial and health related worry and just the basic crappola that comes with living. But there is a bit of a difference...

I am just not going to let the bastards, as it were get me down. And that is typically my response these past few years when life gets difficult or the going gets hard. I know that some-how...some-way there is a reason for all this emotional, psychological and PHYSICAL CHAOS...and there are times that I am not privy to why things happen the way they do. I don't get to pretend that I am GOD anymore and you know what? I don't want to either..I am not nearly qualified enough...I'll trust GOD.

So much of how a person feels is a choice...I know, I know...some people have some severe physical issues and it's impossible to just close your eyes, click your heels and everything will be OK. I am one of those people with severe physical pain and disability so I totally understand what that's like but when I think positively and focus on GOD even though I still hurt...I feel better. That's just fact and I can't really explain it.

Today I am choosing to face forward and be positive...let's see how that goes, shall we?!        

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)                       

I Am The LIVING DEAD

I am really struggling tonight. I am about as ill as I have been in a long time and the Docs can't seem to get it figured out. In addition, my physical disabilities are as painful and debilitating as they have ever been so that continues to be an ongoing and most probably a life-long struggle.

I have noticed from the reactions of people around me that my illnesses and disabilities once again seem to be alienating me from my friends, my family and the world in general. Since I have become a Christian, my life changed in many, many ways...almost all of them positive. As a result, I became more open socially then ever before and really opened up as a person. As a result I let some people in to my life that I never would have before. And I really enjoy these relationships...

But I sense them eroding and it is my health and disabilities that once again seem to be driving a wedge between me and people in general. People cannot understand how difficult it is for me to function and do the same things that they can do and even though they tell you it's OK and not to worry...I can sense thy have grown tired of it and have kind of moved on to other things. I could be wrong but it's my perception that my behavior has perhaps turned people away...

Of course this just happens to be a time where I've felt about as alone and isolated as I ever have since I became a Christian. I don't expect life to be fair, I certainly realize that nobody owes me anything but my life truly happens to be very HARD right now and I am really hurting inside.

I will admit that I am feeling quite fearful about this latest diagnosis...and I just feel very alone and isolated right now like I have nobody to turn to but myself for solace...and let's face it...I am my own worst enemy at times!  I realize this is a moment to turn toward GOD and I do but I feel so alone...

I guess what bothers me the most about this is that I fear that people may think I'm faking this because they can't possibly understand what I am going through and how hard I try to connect others. No they can't relate to my situation and it probably just seems to them like I'm acting ODD at times...which because of my overall situation...I AM!

All I can really do is pray...and re-connect with GOD. Easier said then done, of course.

Over the last two weeks I have been awake ALL Night, every night by myself and I have really had my FAITH and my SANITY tested...I mean REALLY tested! I am now to the point where I dread the coming of nightfall...I am almost afraid of it.

I miss my friends but don't want to burden them anymore. I feel so trapped and so alone right now though I know in my heart that I am not alone. I can't help but wonder why with all the great things that have been happening in my life lately, why I am suffering again so soon after all the pain and difficulty from my past. Some things are NOT for me to know...I suppose.

Well my friends I am going to close for the night. I am under no illusion that I will sleep...like a specter of a shadow that was my former self...I'll glide through the darkened hallways hoping to discover my former energy or some semblance of a life worth living again. I'm hurting...

(Painting by Claude Monet)

Bye Bye BRAVADO...I Don't Really Want To DIE

Sorry me dear readers out their in Shell Shock-Ville (other-wise know as the world or "real" world!!) I am posting again about my health. And please trust me when I tell you I would much rather be writing about anything else BUT this subject right now...but it 'tis what it 'tis.


I was diagnosed several years ago with Barrett's Esophagus, which even though I don't like to think about it puts me at very high risk of getting Cancer, in particular a lethal and nasty variety called: Esophageal Adenocarcinoma.


My visit to the Doctor's Office today reminded me in a big way what I have obviously been trying to block out of my mind: That I am indeed at very high risk for this kind of Cancer and today I discovered that I actually have some initial symptom's of it...and the doctors concern and mannerism quite honestly freaked me out a little bit...OK, a whole lot. I have great difficulty swallowing...I cannot swallow saliva while I am lying down, this is a huge reason I am unable to sleep right now. This is a symptom and when I started talking about how I haven't slept because I can't swallow, etc...h interrupted me and said that really concerned him. I am having another scope and biopsy done right after New Years to check this out...


I'll be honest my friends...anyone who knows me knows that I can get what I call NUDGES where I can tell sometimes when stuff is going to happen before it actually does. I got a bad feeling about this and typically I don't have this type of reaction when it comes to this stuff. 


For many years while I was still a practicing addict/alcoholic I flaunted and taunted death. I LONGED to die and eventually tried to take my own life. I no longer feel that way, no not by a long shot.  I enjoy life and would rather stick around for awhile. But I do believe if it's time well then it's time and I feel good about my relationship with GOD. I know how uncomfortable I am feeling so that doesn't help...    


(Painting by Claude Monet)                                                           

Brothers & Sisters Of The Big Blue Planet

I don't know what I am supposed to believe about myself or anything else these days. Am I "allowed" to have an opinion that differs from somebody elses? Say like what my spiritual beliefs are, for example.


I just read an article where a Jewish Rabbi is taking the American Football Player Tim Teebow to task for being TOO Christian. The Rabbi goes as far as saying that it isn't fair that Teebow's "WAY" to Heaven (the Christian belief that Jesus is our Savior and ultimately belief in HIM leads to Salvation) doesn't account for Jews who want to remain Jewish. HUH?! Your kidding right? The beliefs are DIFFERENT, the WAY to Salvation is different...Did I just read where a real life Rabbi wants another of our society's major Spiritual Groups to water down their beliefs so as to include the JEWISH beliefs as well?!


Whoa and YIKES, Dude...Are you out of your freaking mind asking human beings to change GODS own requirements for obedience to HIM?! I don't know about you but the GOD I believe in SPOKE, those words were written and I cannot change them nor can anyone else...only GOD Himself can. 


We live in a world where it seems that people want everything to be fair. I got some news for you Brothers and Sisters of the Big Blue Planet...It ain't gonna HAPPEN! And what's wrong with life being hard, eh? Who said it was supposed to be easy anyway? Show me that person because I'd like to know where they got their INFO....


People that think this way are dangerous...seriously, they are DANGEROUS. They are the same clowns who believe that America should be able to defend our freedom, our Country, our beliefs in this extremely volatile, vicious and dangerous world we now live in...without anyone getting HURT!! All this while nearly 4000 innocent people who were just trying to do their jobs at WORK were slaughtered on (9/11) right before the eyes of the ENTIRE PLANET on live TV.


How can anyone be so clueless? I do not understand...I just don't.