Most readers hear at the Shock know the basics of my story. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, survived rape at age 12, Attempted suicide the week before I finally got sober, I've believed in reincarnation since I was a little boy when I dreamed of fighting and dying as a British Soldier on the Western Front of the GREAT WAR. And though I always sort of believed in a God I figured that he never believed in me and I mocked Christians and Christianity.
I eventually had a profound spiritual experience in late January of last year and became a Christian. My entire life has changed but there has been some adversity... a great deal of it actually.
Most readers hear at the Shock know the basics of my story. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict, survived rape at age 12, Attempted suicide the week before I finally got sober, I've believed in reincarnation since I was a little boy when I dreamed of fighting and dying as a British Soldier on the Western Front of the GREAT WAR. And though I always sort of believed in a God I figured that he never believed in me and I mocked Christians and Christianity.
I eventually had a profound spiritual experience in late January of last year and became a Christian. My entire life has changed but there has been some adversity... a great deal of it actually.
Right now I am looking at the very real possibility of having Cancer and if I don't, the threat is not just going to go away...no I'll live with Barrett's Esophagus Disease until the day I die.
I posted last night at the bottom of a post that a friend is dying of Cancer...literally at this moment he is losing this fight and may not see the sun set this evening. It's a really sad situation because he is married and has kids. He also happens to be a public figure in our community (Public Safety Director...like the Chief of Police) and is well known and very well liked person, It's hard to explain or understand this kind of thing and why it happens.
I am enduring my own worry and pain right now but that is enough writing for me at this point....
You know what? I really don't want to write another post about overcoming hardship and adversity. About taking what ever happens and making the best of it. Taking things one day at a time, working hard and staying positive.....
You may be puzzled by this post, my dear reader. And you may wonder WHY I don't want to write about these things again. The answer is simple...I'm SICK of the adversity...it's wearing thin, it's breaking me down and combined with the extreme exhaustion/fatigue and illness I'm closer then I'd like to falling completely to pieces.
There is faith yes...and I do have faith and I still believe things happen for a reason, that somehow this all makes sense in a different time, place or situation....I have to decide if I am well enough to venture out tonight to meet with a small group over at a friends house. I think the answer is obvious.
I think I'll just stop here because honestly I was going to really just whine and complain...I don't want to go there...this can be overcome and there is a lesson I'm sure to be learned.
The struggle is why so much PAIN? Why the heartache? GOD...hasn't there been enough? Why punish people who are trying to COME TO YOU LORD, not run away? That is the question...
Thanks GOD...
Man I really don't know what else to say except Thank You for saving me from myself. My entire life was focused on anything and I mean ANYTHING and EVERYTHING except on YOU. I acted like I was GOD...Obviously I wasn't and I'm not. I am but merely a man...flawed, sinful, deceitful by nature...so very weak without YOUR strength.
In the depths of my worst trials/troubles, I begged for MERCY...for you to help me, to get me out of the difficulty I'd gotten myself in (AGAIN). And on those occasions when you did...I still DENIED that it was YOU who helped me. I mocked you and those who chose to FOLLOW YOU. I would immediately forget about YOU the second my trouble passed and I no longer "needed" your help. I was a complete sinful, mess LORD yet you still loved me.
And somehow...deep in the depths of my scarred and battered SOUL...I always knew you were there. And in your boundless MERCY, LOVE and GRACE...you sent your one and only SON here to earth to take a bullet for me and all of those sinners like ME. He died so we all could be FORGIVEN.
What else can I say: Thank You God!
As I sit down to write a post in BLOGGER, I use their template which sets up the format in which I write. One of the things I have always liked to do is frequently change the font and size of the text I'm using. I have noticed but never used the top choice "De..fault Font" so tonight I am writing this in the mysterious, almost magical DEFAULT FONT. I even feel special tonight...well I always do because Jesus Loves me and THIS I KNOW but even more special then I normally do....
I wonder if there is such a thing as a "Default Mood" for human beings...like your too tired to be really cheerful and don't want to be a jerk so you just switch into the Default Mood Mode (DMM) and are just pleasant, quiet...not in the way.
Of course the down side to that is somebody else like a spouse or boss somehow getting control of your default switch and controlling you like a robot. I know....where in the heck do I get this STUFF from and frankly I think I'd rather not know...
I just want to take a second and mention that a friend of mine and a fellow member of my church is losing his fight with Cancer o the MOUTH. He isn't expected to live. I hate this disease with a passion! But tonight isn't a night for anger...NO, it's a night for prayer: I am thinking and praying for you my Brother Brett and for Lori too...God Bless You!
I pulled the plug on the reading ministry for tonight at the church...they are having the Church's Annual Meeting at the same time and it didn't seem like we were going to have anyone there so I stayed home where quite frankly I needed to be in the first place. So it worked out for the best but I don't like my health messing up my volunteer work one bit.
I still did not here from the DOC (Doctor) about my biopsy results and now he is gone for the day. It bothers me but there isn't much I can do and worrying won't help.
One of the things that I have found most difficult when dealing with an illness like this where there is some serious uncertainty about the seriousness of it. But the symptoms themselves are quite serious and painful. You bet that definitely has gotten my attention. I hope then we can find out what the heck's going on.....OK more later after big, brimming cups of Strong COFFEE!
Well, I just had one of those "Twilight Zone" type moments that typically happen to me once in a blue moon but since I've become an exhausted, sleep deprived WRECK of a human being now happen several times a day, tee hee...
I had completed an entire morning post...pics and all. I thought I brought it online yet...it was was no where to be found.
So this is the post dear reader that you will get this morning...and it is a pretty good morning.
I did not sleep at all but I definitely feel less stress and more serene. And it amazes me how much I notice that slight reduction in the way I feel. So I'm going to look at this as progress and lay down to try and catch a few more winks.....
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)
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It has taken me the better part of my current lifetime to realize that it's all really just an illusion...we truly are living on borrowed time. My body...borrowed and thank goodness too 'cause she's about worn right out, haha! Yea, Yea...I realize I had a lot to do with that because of the lifestyle I chose to follow (er, perhaps it actually CHOSE me...the alcoholism I mean....).
I went to the DOC (Doctor) today and there was some significant snow coming down as I made my way into town but of course it never really amounted to much when it was all over...just more "Storm Team-Weather Event" hype by the local TV News Stations. But early on the snow was heavy and roads were bad so I ran to the store for my mom before I went to my appointment so she wouldn't have to venture out.
As I was wandering around the home of wayward carnival workers (WALMART)...I couldn't help but feel that I was attending some sort of cosmic Yard Sale for the DAMNED. So sorry Walmart...I have always just had creepy feelings about your stores...I imagine in the realm of the "big picture" that you probably couldn't care less that I feel this way because I
still show up and give you my money, so what difference does it make, eh!? .
So tonight, as I sit and ponder this nonsense, I can't help but think that perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about it at all because doing so is just to dang risky right now! What if I literally overload my exhausted Brain and it just implodes...or shuts down completely. I am treading on some virgin soil here never having been this exhausted and mentally depleted before. And that IS the way I feel: MENTALLY...that is emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritual DEPLETED, wrung out, played out, used up...DRY, the well is dry.
Who knows truly, what the answer really is for me this evening? So I must then conclude that there is NO answer tonight...certainly no EASY WAY OUT. Accepting that as I must in my half-lidded, semi-conscious state of exhaustion I bid each and every read adieu...a friendly farewell until next time.
I know, I know...for a guy who has made repeated statements as of late about not wanting to just whine about my health day after day...I sure have been writing about my health enough...more then enough! But It's what is happening in my life right now and it is really affecting me physically because I literally have not slept more then a few minutes here or there at a time each day for the last 3 weeks.
I am totally exhausted and I mean that literally. I have never experienced such deep seated FATIGUE. I am really frightened where the intensity of this experience has ALREADY taken me physically...where it may lead psychologically...well terrified is the only word that comes to mind.
I met with my personal physician this morning because at the end of last week my surgeon wanted me to have my DOC prescribe something for anxiety because I had an incident on the operating table where I began to feel quite anxious as I was waiting for the procedure to begin and my heart rate spiked to 145. I told them that when I lay down I experience the sensation that my throat constricts and I can't swallow, bring up saliva and it affects my breathing. That is why I haven't slept in so long.
Of course there is more to this...much more then I could fit into this blog but that's the gist of it. The surgeon I'm sure was thinking Xanax or Ativan, something a patient can take as needed. He should have known better because I have told him, in great detail that I am in recovery. My personal DOC, though I just started going to him (and her, they are a husband/wife team but she is on Maternity Leave right now) knew that and prescribes an Anti-Depressant over the phone.
Well I have a long, nasty and unpleasant history with Psychiatric Drugs...especially anti-depressant's and my dilemma right now is whether I should try it. I really do not want to and am taking the day and night to meditate a pray about it. I am very torn...I am skeptical about any benefit and do not want to get on any long term commitment type medication again.
One of the good things that have come out of this recent dilemma about medication is I like how my DOC handled this medication thing...not just prescribing Xanax which he could have easily done. But I still realize that ultimately I am responsible for what goes into my body and alcoholic/addicts are notorious for finding all sorts of ways to justify taking drugs I should avoid as a person in recovery. Still he was on top of his game, that makes my life easier when your physician is at least partially on the same page!
Today is technically New Years Day...at least as far as the College bowl games are concerned. There are 7 games total including at 5p the Rose Bowl with Wisconsin against Oregon...I'm stoked so I'm getting ready to settle down to watch some FOOTBALL. So I am going to leave this anti-depressant thing for a while and enjoy the day.
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)
There are certainly events and time periods in my life where it does begin to seem like something "bigger," and more mysterious (Read: like GOD or KARMA or Batman's "JOKER") seems to be directing the events taking place in my life. And I don't mean like we need to let go and let God take charge kind of thing...no I mean something more akin to an evil villain, diabolically directing things from behind the scenes (Like the JOKER in a BATMAN Movie)and trying to make my life as miserable as possible while he DESTROYS ME!!!
Well I'm sort of kidding about that but not completely...it does seem like the timing of a lot of this CRAP I am dealing with such as my health couldn't be worse...almost like Our EVIL Villain is "piling on the pain" when it isn't necessary...Dude, you already have my attention...what do you need from me now...my SOUL? Oddly the answer to that question is more then likely...YES.
I realize this seems like a lot of Pie in the sky stuff for many folks but after so many of my life experiences....I don't think I can really question it...I need to keep the focus off of ME and "MY PROBLEMS" BooHoo!! And keep focused on living my life for HIM...ultimately I don't see it as "my life" anymore anyway...it is HIS life.
DINNER calls so I'll leave this topic on the table and may continue, revisit or ignore it like I never wrote the dang thing, lol!
And more often then not in this day to day existence I get that and understand the concept completely but it's not uncommon sometimes when life seems harder then it should be, when I take my eyes OFF GOD and discouragement sets in that I wander off track and find myself mired in BDD's (Black Dog Day's...otherwise known as DEPRESSION). But it passes...
Today I feel discouraged not so much because of my own siruation with my health and pain that not only is not improving but getting worse....
(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)
She was MY vagrant QUEEN...her spot under the bridge now so vacant...it creates a vacuum of collected, marketed then forsaken SOULS for Sale....a Yard Sale for the DAMNED.
Ghostly soft pearl...colour skin...blankets of SNOW...WHITE for succor....black for ROT...A Ritualistic BURIAL Plot...'Tis A Soliloquy for a SILENT SON.
He retires to tire....a lifetime of forlorn desire
A race run only AFTER it was Finished....
