Really Good News Today

Summertime has been a time of transition for me, particularly how it has affected my daily/weekly schedule. From the Fall, through Winter and into Spring I had a rather full volunteer schedule...reading the Bible out loud at church on Tuesdays, and assisted living home on Saturday and for individual shut-ins in their home on an "as-needed" basis.


The Assisted living place went through a leadership change and when I tried to adjust my schedule (I have Sat/Sun morning commitments in the Summer so I wanted to shift to Thursday mornings like I did last year) I couldn't get anyone to approve it and had to stop going all together....it really sucked because I love going there.


Today I got a call and it looks like we will be ramping that program back up again and I am totally stoked. I typically read to a group of 6-10 people, usually all woman and there are three of them that are in their 100's! It is one of the coolest freaking things I have ever had the privilege to be a part of and I feel so fortunate...yes blessed even to be able to go. 


Because of scheduling we may have to start meeting AFTER Labor Day but I'll gladly wait now that I at least know it's back in business.


The church group attendance needless to say has suffered greatly because it is summer and let's face it...people travel and do things with their family like go to Music in the Park Nights. I completely understand but I have been reluctant to shut it down for the Summer mainly because I am afraid I won't be able to generate enough interest to get it going again. 


Then I realized that was a selfish way to look at it...this reading IS NOT about ME. If people want to attend then they most certainly will..I cannot manipulate or control it. Perhaps a hiatus until the second week of September is in order....Have to do a little meditating on this one!


Anyway though, it is wonderful news to be back at M-House regardless when that starts...so it's exciting and a very good piece of news on this dangerously HOT day in July.

Oatmeal Man

I know this will not sound sane nor rational but I am really starting to believe that it is possible for a human being to get hopelessly addicted to Oatmeal. Why do I think that? I am hopelessly addicted to oatmeal and I can't stop eating it.


It all started out innocently enough...I just wanted a healthier start to my day, that was my motivation...now the mere thought of skipping my daily bowl (this bowl is so large it's more like a bucketful!) or heaven for bid...RUNNING OUT sends absolute shock waves of horror throughout my (now a wee bit healthier) body!


I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to...I mean I should KNOW, of all people...right?! But still the notion that I MUST HAVE something does not sit well with me nor will it ever. But Boy is this stuff ever good....

OK...I Give Up, Mr Heat Miser!

What another weather related post?! Well, um...yea, I guess it is. This has been the longest sustained period of heat and no rain that I can recall. I'm thankful we have air conditioning.


I don't really care to spend my summer days inside the house...even when it is dangerously hot and humid. It just seems a wasteful way to spend a gorgeous, sunny day...but after a short 20 minutes outside walking and picking up sticks I surrendered...it is just too bloody HOT!


Spending the day mainly inside just reminds me how restless and fidgety I can be. I don't do "relaxing" very well at all. That obviously isn't very healthy being so tightly wound but I'm not sure I can loosen up any more then I already have.


The weather reports are saying at least 2 more days of temps in the mid-90's but even afterward we are still looking at high 80's. I've just resigned myself to the fact that I live  in a rather hot place during the summer and feel a tad silly for being surprised that it's so HOT.


Even though we still have the better part of the week ahead of us with high temps I intend for this to be the last weather post...at least for a while. Not sure why I dislike posting about such things...it seems like a cop-out I guess. It's like "small-talk" which I have a natural disdain for as well...weather talk is small-talk and I aspire for greater things here on the SHOCK. We'll see what happens...I'm just thankful I'm not working in the factory anymore. Then I realize that my son actually is working there, in the exact same facility that I did for all those years                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           ....YIKES!!

Mr. Bitter Sour-Puss Doom & Gloom

Last night I diverted straight off the path of writing about my experiences in recovery and rape survival into giving a rather POINTED and opinionated tirade on politics in our country. I'm sure I came across as a bitter and jaded cynic. Hence the title of this post.  


The motivation to write that little piece was provided by one particular FaceBook "Friend" who has been posting vicious anti-Republican stuff. I am not a Republican or a Democrat. I have always voted for the best person for the job in my opinion. My point here is not to debate the election. 


My fine, fellow FaceBooker was pointing out that Mitt Romney was a liar and I felt compelled to remind him that all politicians lie. Oddly he came back and supported my point which i'll admit disappointed me a bit since I was getting "Twitchy" and looking for a fight. The post last night was essentially the comment I left on his status. There was actually another part to the comment that I wrote stating my views that all is not lost...


 It is getting harder and harder to accept this nonsense that is our political process...My outrage comes from the fact that I truly believe that we can do better then this. I believe that it is possible to be a prosperous yet caring country that respects ALL people regardless of who they are.


I believe that you can promote business yet take care to make sure that no one falls through the cracks and finds themselves with a child with Leukemia and no Health Insurance. I do believe that caring and capitalism can coexist...that they are not mutually exclusive.


I know...now these ideas make me a dreamer...well the founders of our country were without a doubt dreamers. Nobody at that time believed that it was possible to have democratic self-rule...yet they persevered and achieved the impossible!


I am not so jaded that I don't believe it is at least possible for it to happen again. But it will not happen with the way the current system rewards dishonesty and GREED.


So yea, I'm cynical yet I still am a believer that we can do better....


Photo by Kathy Tomson

LIARS

The Presidential Election is still 4 month away and I am already fed up with hearing everyone's political views. Frankly the only thing I am totally sure about when it comes to the two major parties in our country and their candidates is that they incapable of telling the truth.

They ALL lie, every last one of them. Every single person running for political office in our country tells their audience exactly what they want to hear...and NONE of them can follow through and fulfill their promises. They HAVE to lie because that is the way our system works now...NOBODY can afford to tell the truth, not the Democrats, not the Republicans.

"We The People" to para-phrase from the movie A Few Good Men "can't handle the truth". We really don't want to know it anyway...we are way too comfortable in our ignorance...and besides, we like being told what we want to hear...we expect it!

Honestly...I cannot help but feel that trusting or believing in any political party or media outlet is absolutely FOOLISH...and dangerous. I realize this sounds rather brash and jaded but frankly I am sick and tired of being lied to by the politicians and the media outlets who are only in the game to promote their own interests and gain the ultimate prize: POWER & CONTROL.

A Unique Freaking MESS

As if I don't have enough weird idiosyncrasies already....I tend to be a "Neat Freak" as well. So what does one such "Neat Freak"do on a 93 degree day (89 degrees in the house, 56% humidity) with out the A/C turned on? The crazy fool goes on a cleaning JAG...after raking the beach in the eastern, morning sun.


Gee...wonder why I feel kinda sick...DUH!


Yea, Yea...I'm not always doing the smartest things to myself some times. I laugh when I think "what is a normal person?" Can you think of one perfectly "normal" man or woman? I can't...they are all cracked and flawed in one form or another. ADD or super slobs....addicts or so anal retentive it's a wonder they ever leave their bedroom. People who move at the speed of LIGHT and those who basically become some form of human molasses. That is what makes humans...human. We...each and every one of us is his own unique freaking MESS.


And that is what's so cool about us humans...we are each our own and there isn't average or normal or bland or whatever. Whoa I just realized that us human beings share this uniqueness trait with snowflakes....well that's something to make one feel really special, eh?! (Thom here...I have to share a little story. When I wrote this line about human snowflakes, etc the first person I thought of was "Daddy's Little Girl" my daughter Chelsea. I just "KNEW" that idea would appeal to her. Take a second and scroll down to the first comment and see what it says...Not saying Dad's are Magic or anything but we do benefit from having a bit of the 'ole "Second Sight")


But the sad element of this train of thought is though we are all unique...humans have a tendency to copy one another, to act like others do instead of following their own drummer...so to speak. It's what my buddy JVO called the SHEEP Syndrome...people are like sheep in that they follow each other instead of leading their own way. I think they do this for reasons of familiarity and security...God forbid that they stand out and be recognized as "DIFFERENT"...OH MY!!.


Isn't that weird and just really quite sad? Our greatest gift from God is our uniqueness yet we are afraid to act differently from others in our society because people will think wrongly of us. It's a shame....really. So Sad...

I Just Couldn't Help IT....

Honestly, writing another potentially long post about a difficult, tough and controversial subject wasn't really what I had in mind this evening.  No I'm tired, very HOT (yes we are fighting the ridiculous Air Conditioner WAR again around here) and really just wanted to go to bed...or at least lay down for a good read. Yet there has been so much Joe Paterno and Penn State talk on the TV and radio that I truly feel an obligation to say SOMETHING.


I'm not defending Paterno or any of the other Penn State Leadership...they clearly looked the other way when Jerry Sandusky's behavior was first brought up to them and then continued to look the other way for the following 14 years out of fear of embarrassing that HOLY Institution: Penn State Football. This was obvious to me right from the very beginning.


Before I say anything else I want to say something to the new reader here on Shell Shock or someone who doesn't know my personal story. I was physically beaten and raped as a 12 year old boy by 3 grown men who I did not know. It was more then 15 years before I ever told another person. Needless to say that was a life altering event and certainly played some role in my alcoholism/drug addiction as well. So I have been sexually assaulted just as the victims of Jerry Sandusky were and have...perhaps just a slightly different view of this case and how it is being handled then most people might.


What really bothers me now that Sandusky has been tried and convicted is how the press is handling this whole thing. Almost as a whole entity...sports media in the U.S. are all full of crap...NOW they jump on Joe, now it's suddenly a story and all these people are so outraged by what went on. Where was the judgement and outrage before? Simply..It wasn't the time yet for outrage...they needed to milk other aspects of the story first.


Frankly I don't believe that anyone at ESPN is outraged by this whole report on Penn State...NO, I think from the President through the TV/Radio personalities like Colin Cowherd, Mark May and the various Sports Center hosts to the lowest Intern are jumping with absolute GLEE about this story. Why? It sells advertising baby and has legs...meaning they can milk this story the rest of the summer! They don't need to manufacture news today as they so often do starting each day with ESPN Radio's Mike and Mike Show. No because this really is news...they will exploit (what an appropriate word, eh?!) this sucker for all it's worth! I know that sounds cynical and jaded but The Weather Channel does the same thing with storms...they'll turn a series of thunderstorms on a slow days day into a major "Weather Event".


ESPN even went so far as to humiliate one of their own football analysts, Matt Millen who played at Penn Sate for Paterno on Sports Center and had Sports Center Host Chris McKendry tear him apart for defending his old coach at one time. Of course HE is now OUTRAGED too....the key word there being NOW.


ESPN is not the only media outlet exploiting this story...they all are because it's too lucrative a story to pass up but since they ARE the sports media in the United States they take the lead...almost by default....they are so powerful they literally become judge and jury on sports issues in this country because they can control how much exposure a story will get. Every one of their reports and reporters (like Jeremy Schaap) suddenly is acting so HOLIER Then Though like: "How Dare Penn State Betray Those Children. Well where have they been concerning those kids before now? THAT wasn't the best selling news angle then...it is NOW so they run with it.


Honestly I don't really have an axe to grind with the media...I'm not naive..they are in the business to sell news...it is not a higher calling being a reporter...no, it's more like whoring and getting paid a fortune to do it. They are all phony, pretend to have an emotional reaction to stuff and it is all an act to sell advertising and make BILLIONS of dollars world wide. And nobody does that job in sports media better then ESPN. And I, like millions of sports fans eat it up...watching Sports Center every day....I'm just as guilty as they are for doing so.


But, tonight I am just tired of hearing about all the outrage...where was there supposed outrage before. It's a joke...a political correctness influenced joke. Every reporter HAS to come out on the side of OUTRAGE or they will look bad and make their employer look bad as well. Even Matt Millen had to throw his mentor and dear friend JoPa under the bus or he more then likely would have been fired from his Football analyst job at ESPN. Nobody in their right mind (other then his family) would or could defend Joe Paterno right now. It's political and employment suicide...

The Floodgates Are Opened and TRUTH Runs Out

I will share a little secret with you my dear Shell Shocking Friends...9 times out of 10 I haven't a bloody clue where this stuff that I am writing comes from. The perfect example of this was the post I wrote last night. I was really just posting to sign off for the night. I had no planned agenda yet there was all this stuff stirred up inside of me.


It's like the moment I begin to write I am opening an invisible door that allows all this emotion and information to just come pouring out of me. That is exactly what happened last night. That turned out to be a rather hard post to handle after I re-read it. I went further in sharing information then I truly wanted to go. Not that I regret it, I don't...I'm proud of the post that followed.


Let me explain....
Let's face it, any regular reader to this blog knows that there is very little that I am afraid to write about here on Shell Shock Serenade. I've opened up the most private corners of my life for the whole world to see with the singular HOPE that by doing so I may be able to help someone who is going through a similar experience. This is never easy to do and often somewhat embarrassing and painful, both emotionally and physical.


But the point is to try and help someone who needs it...Or at least by sharing my story let them know that they are not alone in feeling the way they do. I remember feeling so isolated and cut off...so alienated from society as a whole. Knowing I wasn't alone would certainly have helped me.

But even though I willingly share this information doesn't mean that it is easy for me to do. It can be embarressing to admit some of this stuff but I buckle down and do it because I think it's the right way to go.


But I have found that writing about my beliefs in reincarnation, going all the way back to when I was a wee lad, is perhaps the hardest thing for me to discuss with other people. I will write about my addiction or being sexually assaulted before I will post about my early beliefs that I had lived a previous life. It is a difficult and confusing subject and was really hurtful to me as a young boy to have these horrifically realistic combat dreams and not know what to make of it.

I tried to communicate to my parents what I was dreaming about but they are church going Christians and I believed they wouldn't understand or be very happy with me. So I never really told them the truth...just that I had they took me to see a shrink who was medicating me...which was the LAST thing a blossoming junkie needs at age 10!! They also did a sleep study.


So that subject is still a difficult one for me and I am always amazed when I happen to write about it here because I NEVER intend to...it just happens by accident. I guess I am still fearful that people will laugh at me.


Very early on in the first 6 months of this blogs existence I wrote 4 or 5 posts that were seemingly little fictional short stories about a soldier in the Great War. In reality what they were are direct accounts of some of those dreams I had as a boy. 

I don't remember the titles so I would have to look these up but if anyone is ambitious...be my guest and try and find 'em. They are really kind of spooky for me to read because they still are real "events" to me when I look back on it.


Basically I just went and did the same thing today that I did yesterday...I was going to write a short, probably meaningless little blurb and here I have gone and tapped back into this "forbidden" subject again. Oh well...it's the truth as I know it and it 'tis my story and I am sticking to it. 


I'll see if I can locate those dream accounts from my youth and post them here as well. Stay cool (if you are n the HEAT WAVE ZONE)!

One Long & Very Strange Journey To The Center Of...NOTHING.

I am admittedly a bit restless this evening and I really don't know why. So I haven't a clue where this post may lead us but you are certainly welcome to come along for the ride...


But it isn't really all that unusual for me to feel a general uneasiness at times. I often feel unsettled or just not "together" at times so perhaps that is what's going on here. Or just maybe it is the beginning of the END of the world as we know it and all humanity will come crashing down along with it.


You never really know do you?! The Book of Revelation in the Bible was one of the most frightening and influential things I had ever read as boy. I can't say I really understood it all back then (I can't say that I totally understand it all today either) but I knew the author was talking about the end of the world and it wasn't going to be pretty for people like me who weren't follower's of Jesus. Quite frankly, reading through it reminded me of the serious Acid Trips I used to take as a teenager but the Book of REV definitely would have been classified as a VERY Bad Trip because of the vividly frightening imagery and implications of doom and eternal damnation...


Not quite sure what got me thinking about the Book Of Revelation today...it's been that kind of day where I've thought about HEAVY and important "why are we here" type things with eternal implications. Not sure why my mind goes to such places but it sometimes does, like my mind has a mind all IT's OWN!!

As a child and then as a teenager...I was frequently thinking about and contemplating God and eternal life, war, poverty and forgiveness along with other heavy and difficult subjects that seemed to set me apart from other children as a boy.  I've written here on Shell Shock that as far back as I can remember I dreamt vividly of war. I would dream of being under fire in the trenches of the Great War (WWI to us Americans) as a British Soldier. Dreaming often of rats and rain, shell fire, hunger, poison gas...death and the stench of thousands of un-buried corpses rotting  in the sun out in No-Mans Land.


Those dreams had such a profound effect on me that I actually began to believe that I had lived before. Pretty heavy stuff for a 10 year old boy to be thinking about, eh?! But that was the conclusion that I had come to because nothing else made sense...the dreams were too real, I felt SO connected to  what was happening that it HAD to have happened. To this day I am still somewhat confused and unsettled about that aspect of my life. To the point that I even consulted my pastor about it...he told me not to get to upset about it....just relax and let time take it's course. I believe that is really good advice...don't work myself up into a frenzy about something I have no control over.

So I am officially a Christian who still holds open the possibility of reincarnation... and I'll leave it at that but I figure the God I believe in is all powerful and HE can do anything so why couldn't he allow that to happen...one never knows. I certainly don't know the answer...


Anyway I  write about such things here because that is what Shell Shock Serenade is all about but I don't really spend much time thinking about it in the real world. Naw...there is too much cool stuff going on and that leads me back to my original thought in this post. I'm feeling a tad out-of-sorts yet things are on the surface going really well. That always tends to make me a bit wary because I look for signs of trouble in my life. That way perhaps I can anticipate trouble and not get ambushed by it...


Once again I can even shock and surprise myself with some of the stuff I can end up thinking about. It's no wonder I always felt like an out-sider when it came to relating to other people. I knew in my heart that there weren't many kids thinking such thoughts as I was. I didn't know any other 5th graders who were fighting in the trenches of the Great War every night after they got home from school!!


That is why today I just trust God...I'll let HIM sort out the origin of things, it isn't my job...all I have to do is faithfully serve HIM and I believe quite strongly in the Spiritual Solutions provided by my CREATOR and written about in the Bible.


Funny...but after getting all of that stuff I have just written out of my system I can now say that I don't feel so out-of-sorts anymore! It's funny how that works...Isn't it?!

(PHOTOS: Kathy Tomson)

IT's A Simple Fact, HE Was With Me That Day

One of the funny or quite frankly, strange dilemma's a person like me (who is VERY open about his addiction, recovery and sexual assault experiences) faces is that people can say some very nice, complimentary things about you for being open and honest about the troubling issues from your past.


I've always found it somewhat uncomfortable because I think that people are being too kind and I don't deserve it....because let's face it, I am only doing now what I should have been doing all my life: being open & honest, helping other people who are in trouble or who are hurting and giving the credit to God who deserves ALL of it as far as I am concerned.


I received a wonderful message on my FaceBook page this morning from a friend and fellow member of my church who I really respect. And I couldn't help thinking that I do not deserve to have such nice things said about me. I was a real unfriendly and selfish person back in the day and that is putting it nicely to say the least!


The real truth of the matter here is that I did nothing to change my ways and in fact, if I had had my way back then...I would have died in late May of 2006...a victim of suicide. That was what I really wanted to happen. The only reason that it didn't, in my humble opinion is because the Good Lord intervened and saw a purpose in saving me.


That is why I feel so passionately that I am NOT responsible for my recovery and it is also why I feel so committed to helping others and giving ALL the Credit to my Creator..Because without HIM...well, I am DEAD over 6 years. It is that simple friends....


(PHOTO: K Tomson)