My original idea for this blog had always been to try and capture "a day in the life" of a person (namely ME) who is in recovery from addiction/alcoholism. I like many people recovering from addiction have used the One day at a Time approach breaking my life up into what i consider reasonable segments that weren't too overwhelming when I considered abstinence from booze and drugs. The basic rational being you could stay away from drinking or drugging for 24 hours if you had the proper physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual help and mind-set. It seemed to me that even I could stop for one darn day. And so I have going on almost 7 years now. But as one might suspect...there was way more to this story then just not drinking. During the last 4 plus years of blogging I have uncovered many layers of memories, feelings and experiences that I had forgotten, chosen to ignore or just plain pushed out of my memory by the horror and shock of those experiences. And the real kicker...I continued to uncover more and more detail about being raped as a boy by 3 grown men and how that had completely changed the kind of person that I was. Certainly I was always aware that this had happened to me but I had always minimized the effect it had on me. As a result I have definitely come to the conclusion that Shell Shock Serenade is the story of LIFE...One Person's life to be sure bu "a life none the less. I would still continue to peel back the layers of the onion to expose the things that were hurting me or making it difficult to grow. And that will continue to be my purpose here for as long as I can imagine.
Once again I am posting but I have no real idea of what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this other then to continue the daily record of my life in recovery captured in this blog. You know...after 3 years of documenting the life of a person in recovery I wonder if it isn't time to just modify that goal or 'Mission Statement" to documenting "A Life". And that would be - A Life of a fellow who is a recovering addict/alcoholic, a rape and violent sexual assault survivor. So I think that is what I am going to try and do. See ya next time....
We are heading toward what I would call a really confused ..yea even warped form of class warfare here in the United States. Our working culture...much of it being derived from our early immigrants looking for the "American Dream" is dying on the vine...IF it hasn't already.
Above you are looking at the face of a worker with good job (non-college degree required variety). This person makes a good hourly wage, has more overtime then she can work over 60 hours/week, great health benefits through Blue Cross/Blue Shield, paid vacation/sick time/holidays and floating holidays. She has a 401K and other investment options.
Why am I explaining all this today? Because the company she works for is desperately trying to hire people here in Coldwater and nobody can pass the 90 day trial period. What is this most difficult of test requirements you ask? They EXPECT YOU TO SHOW UP FOR WORK AND NOT CALL IN SICK MORE THEN 3 times IN 90 days! Yea you read that correctly...3 times in 90 days..and if you do call a 4th time they extend the probation 60 more days and give you another call in! And nobody can make it.
The person pictured above is K-Sue and she works in a Forge/Metal Stamping plant. In the 5 months she has been there only 2 people (one being Kim) out 15 have made it and got hired in to a permanent position.
The class warfare I wrote about earlier is between those who approach work the way Americans traditionally have and those who feel a sense of entitlement to whatever they feel they need or should have. "Work for something....WHY?" Just give it to me like my parents did...
I imagine you will see some follow up posts to this one in the near future. My purpose today was to simply expose the issue. It is a huge problem...People will tell you that you cannot find work in Coldwater, MI. That the only jobs available are of the part-time fast food variety...it's a LIE. This company cannot BEG hard enough for workers...people just don't want to work.
Off course this is just my opinion but it still makes me sick that people feel this way about work. After nearly 25 years with the last firm I worked for, I just don't get this attitude of entitlement. K-Sue takes her appearance in this picture, covered with metal dust/soot (She looks like she came out of a coal mine) as a matter of great pride and I do too...it's one of my favorite pictures of her.
Early this morning...like most mornings I was writing a post for the blog. And as usual lately....It was not going very well because I had not slept at all the night before and the words were a blur...one big, alphabet MESS...a virtual home-made soup of loose ideas, runaway thoughts and visions of an apocalyptic future or was that my past?! I basically posted the darn thing in the half-sleep that is my normal state of being these days and didn't think anything else about it. This too is RARE and negligent of me to just let something go out into big, bad world without being proof read or even double checked. Unfortunately in this exhausted state that is more the norm then the exception. It turns out this little throw-away blurb from this morning was one of the most profound statements that I have ever made (and I have now made quite a few) about the aftermath of being raped. I was completely stunned by what I was reading in front of me. This little ditty on Survivors hit may square between the eyes: "And I did "simply survive"...much like a cockroach after some future nuclear war. Let us not EVER mistake Surviving for living..." I simply can't believe that this came from the jumbled, sleep deprived mind and body that I have been living with these past several months. It just BLOWS my mind...
A strange day...in what has turned out to be a strange Winter in a strange year....in yea, what has probably been a STRANGE freaking life for me. Nothing seems to fit together in a typical sense...actually it NEVER fit together in any sense...detachment was not only the name of the game...it was survival for those like me...it is that simple, victory in this type of life simply means you survive. And I did "simply survive"....much like a cockroach after some future nuclear war. Let us not EVER mistake Surviving for LIVING... Hence the earth shattering gap faced by those folks who SURVIVE rape. That's right...our society often refers to them as "survivors" and yes, that is no doubt part of who and what we are. But to actually recover from rape we must do...we must BE more then a mere survivor.We must learn to LIVE again...and that is the daily challenge, each and every day for me since this happened nearly 40 years ago.
Today they are playing the NFL Conference Championship Games. The San Francisco already have already beaten the Atlanta Falcons to win the National Football Conference. The Baltimore Ravens are playing the New England Patriots as I write and they have a 8 point lead with 15 minutes left in the game. I honestly do not have too much to say or write about today because I mostly slept...yea, you read that correctly I was SLEEPING today. That is probably why after being awake (a relative state of mind, I'll add) for a couple of hours, a pizza for dinner and very chores outside in frigid temps I still feel like a total freaking zombie. Perhaps after a few more days like this one I can get back to normal, whatever that might be at this point in my life!
I can't begin to describe how grateful I am for my friends. I say that kind of thing a lot but only because it is the absolute truth. I did not know how meaningful friendships could really be. Last night I was reeling a bit from aftermath of all the adoption stuff I had been thinking on and feeling. I really felt kind of funny and wanted to hang out a bit. I called a friend to see if a regular Thursday get together had started up again. It had not but he was perceptive enough to figure out I was feeling somewhat down in the dumps so he asked about walking over with Smokey...his dog. It made all the difference in the world for me. They were here for an hour or so but man did it set me on track.
Oh yea, here it starts all over again...I release some hidden or long forgotten nugget of info about myself and it seems the whole world needs to know about it right freaking NOW in exquisite detail...as if I am saving Mankind by doing this. Now please don't get me wrong...it is not I that feel this way because I don't...but it does adequately describe the total sense of urgency I feel when this strange sensation comes over me and the words and feelings just pour out of me as if quenching a raging GRASS-FIRE within.
That is accurately descriptive of the extreme sense of urgency I feel right NOW to talk about my thoughts and feelings toward my real father. And this is after being mostly silent about HIM for the last 49 years. Why now?! I have no freaking idea why now but I have experienced this process enough in my life now that I TRUST enough to do what it suggests right away.
I am not sure why I all of a sudden have these very different opinions and feelings toward this monster of a man that just a few days ago I would have assured you that I HATED.
Then yesterday...out of the BLUE it occurs to me that I know NOTHING about the TRUTH. Perhaps my father wanted to keep me and mother was against it or her family was.
I am finding this whole adoption thing very difficult to deal with because I never had a desire to look for my parents before....now suddenly I am thinking of trying to locate my birth mother because she will have some of the answers I am looking for about my Dad.
Did he drink? Did they love one another....what did they really think bout having a kid. I can tell this is going to emotionally very hard for me but what else am I going to be doing this Winter, eh?!
So my Dear, fortunate readers...come along with me as we break down yet ANOTHER door to the inside of what makes me....ME. Photos:Kathy Tomson
Ah yes...this is one of those nights when old thormoo is feeling nostalgic and feels like sharing parts of himself that are un-explainable with simple words. They require......MORE.
One of the most significant parts of my existence is the very simple yet honest fact that I was given up for adoption immediately after I was born. To tell you the truth, my dear reader friend out there ...I do not think that after tens of thousands of words that I have written on Shell Shock Serenade that I have ever even mentioned this little "Fun-Fact" before. That's because it is a non-factor for me....AND IT ALWAYS KINDA HAS BEEN. The only parents I have ever known are the Mum & Dad that brought me home 2 days before Christmas, 1962...2 full months after I was born because I came into the world with pneumonia.
Seriously....as far back as I remember I have known that I was adopted. My parents thought it critical that I knew and felt comfortable about my origins. I don't know much about my birth parents but what I do know makes me think: "It Figures!" and "How F**king appropriate!".
"Dad" was a prominent Attorney in Grand Rapids MI in his early 60's. "Mom" was his 19 year old Secretary ..in 1962 woman just did not go and have babies on their own. So she did the "right thing" I suppose and gave up on me...er, gave me up for adoption.
If I have had any specific feelings about it over these years it is that she was just caught up in the machine called LIFE and had no choice but to throw in the towel and put me up for adoption. Society would have crucified her if she hadn't.
He on the other hand, in my injured heart mind was a f**king Villain...a real BAD DAD. And for nearly 50 years that is how I saw it....until it dawned on me several (sleepless) nights ago that he too was a victim of that screwed up society.
I knew he had grown kids...so I always assumed he would never want any more....well, who the hell am I to ASSUME that?! I haven't a clue what he would have wanted....maybe he would have liked a lot more children, but now we will never know. So I feel cheated now but maybe HE DID TOO! Perhaps he never even knew he was a father again...
Dad? Are you out there? Dad? Dad...Dad.....
So those are the thoughts and feelings that have led me on this little blog adventure tonight. That is why I am playing one of the songs Pearl Jam first wrote together as a band...a song Eddie Vedder wrote for the father HE NEVER KNEW. Well he knew him as a distant friend of the family. He was told that another man was his dad.
Here are the lyrics to this song and needless to say...I could have written these to my "Dad":
Release
Father...ooh...oh...oh...
I see the world, feel the chill Which way to go, windowsill I see the world on a rocking horse of time I see the birds in the rain Ohh...ohh...ohh...ohh...
Oh, dear dad, can you see me now I am myself, like you somehow I'll ride the wave, where it takes meeeeeeeee... I'll hold the pain, release me... Ohh...ohh...ohh...ohh...
Oh, dear dad, can you see me now I am myself, like you somehow I'll wait up in the dark for you to speak to me I'll open up...Release me... Release me (3x) Ohh...ohh...ohh...ohh...
This is truly the first time that I have ever looked at life through the eyes of my birth father. And instead if the intense anger and hatred I felt for his abandoning me, I feel an incredible compassion....I really miss him. I know that even if I wanted to meet him now face to face that I couldn't because he is most surely dead by now...We do know he was in his 60's when I was born. My birth Mom on the other hand would be 79 but I have no inclination to meet her now or in the future. Perhaps my heart will soften in that regard as well.... Tonight I'll start here with "dad" and see where HE leads me, eh?? OK Father...where we going?
I have really been out of the loop lately and not able to post anything worthwhile. Most of that was because I had not been able to sleep. Well I am still not sleeping much and now it seems i have the beginnings of that respiratory CRAP that has been going around this whole region for a month or better. I think I am hanging in there with my health though who really knows. I started anti-biotic trying to get ahead of this who thing...we will see if that plan works. Until later then...Bye, Bye!
