A NICE SOFT PLACE

I don't know why I do such things...just like I don't completely understand why music has such incredibly deep meaning to me that I would drop everything I am doing to sit virtually comatose for nearly 2 hours absorbing every note like a sponge...but that is exactly what's happened to me tonight. 

It is obvious to me that music is and always has been the life's blood of my very soul and that is in addition to also being the soundtrack of a life...namely: MINE. So that probably explains why I periodically find the need to just completely immerse or encase myself in sound...shutting out all other distractions until I seemingly come back to life with my Soul's Blood thoroughly & completely rejuvenated. 



More often then not, it is solely the music of one particular band that I will listen to and it is typically the band I find myself listening to the most right now anyway. That is just my way...I tend to focus on an artist and pretty much listen to them until I have completely exhausted myself on every aspect of them and their music...at least for the time being. This often can take time as in several months before I tire of a certain band .

Currently that band has been an old favorite: PEARL JAM. I have been basically listening to nothing but PJ for several months now. I have been helped in this endeavor by the fact that Sirius/XM Radio has a PEARL JAM RADIO Channel. They basically feature one live show after another and I am hooked.

I am not sure exactly what prompted this Musical "SOUL SESSION" with Pearl Jam but I have really been feeling lop-sided emotionally...translated I suppose that means I am feeling out of balance or not even f**king close to balanced, he he.

I will break from tradition and NOT post the YouTube Video's here but instead list the songs and if you feel up to it you may track them down yourself...

I think listing the titles says a great deal about "The State Of My (Personal) UNION". So Here they are:

NOTHINGMAN
GARDEN
ANIMAL
LEASH
INDIFFERENCE
IMMORTALITY
PRESENT TENSE
CRAZY MARY (Cover: Victoria Williams)
CROWN OF THORNS (Cover: Mother Love Bone)
BLACK
RELEASE
PORCH
HUNGER STRIKE (Cover: Temple Of The Dog)
BETTER MAN
BROTHER
JEREMY
CORDUROY

Now it's probably time for someone to call the folks with the nice big truck with the wonderful little men in their nice white coats and super big syringes to take me home to a nice soft place....FOREVER.

Boiler Hopeful

I'm not sure I even want to post anything this afternoon because I have not been feeling very positive about much of anything of late. And there really hasn't been any thing too exciting going on in the world around me other then Purdue fired their Head Football Coach and are actively looking to replace him as soon as they can. That move my sports minded friends...has bee way to long in coming,

No word on the hiring front so it is probably going to take a few days. It at least looks like Purdue's Administration is at least willing to shell out a few bucks for a decent compensation package for the Head Coach plus Assistants, so maybe we can actually put together a competent coaching staff to go along with a fairly skilled group of players.

All we can do is wait and see.          

It's The SAME, Yet Different...

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery for me has been accepting my current situation as it REALLY is. I spent so many years in the past telling myself things were OK when they weren't. I never accepted responsibility for what had happened and as a result I could always pretend it wasn't really real and thing's would change. This was an absolutely normal pattern of living for me for decades. It was easy to justify the bad behavior and make excuses for it because I was working, making good money...those facts are easy to manipulate.

I really did live a fantasy world type existence.  I know that it is really hard for a normal (read:sober), hard working member of our society to comprehend. But one must remember that I was rarely if ever in a sober and sane frame of mind. As time wore on it got worse..the line between sane and the insane blurred to such an extent that it was no longer possible to tell the difference.

That is why today I value my sobriety clear mind and faculties as much as I do. It is such a pleasure to be able to think clearly.

The next several posts I am going to explore how difficult it was to not only make the change and get sober but the almost impossible task of staying that way... 

Grey's OK W/Me!

One of the things that I have found about blogging here on Shell Shock Serenade is that the relationships that you forge and build on are just as real and important sometimes as the face to face relationships we make every day.

Yesterday...really the last few days, the subject matter of my posts have been kind of hard and difficult and immediately I have a couple people reaching out to me to make sure that all is well...that I am just writing about this stuff and not actually re-living it. I don't know about you but that is a pretty cool thing as far as I' concerned. I'm not used to it. Typically I always felt that I was on my own and now I just feel more connected...and it is a feeling that I really, really enjoy.

I guess I would have to say that I am still in sort of the same place today as I have been the last couple of days...it's actually "my norm" really. I was never too much of a "rah-rah" kind of person and this is my kind of of day...grey, cool and dark. It doesn't really depress me...no, I actually prefer it to sun. Yea...I'm strange that way!

That is what I have for the moment. I actually managed to lay down for a nap at 3:30p and before I knew it, it was dark and 6p. So I gotta get moving so the day (night) isn't a total LOSS!

In Hopeful Anticipation...Of FREE FLIGHT

Oh boy....I'm not really sure what it is that brings me around to situations like this but here it is, the Saturday after Thanksgiving and everything is good. The Holiday, traveling and seeing family were all great yet when it comes to posting on the blog, my stream of consciousness writing method pops out Sexual Assault and my weird reaction to it as a subject.

SORRY...it is true that I don't really have that much control when it comes to choosing this stuff, it really just kind of runs out of me on it's own. If I force a subject...well, you the reader would be the first to know because it is obviously so contrite, so manufactured and pushed out for the sake of writing.

I was responding to another post on on a friends blog about modern "performance art" and in the course of commenting on her post made the comment that it had crossed my mind what if one of the 3 men who sexually assaulted me as a kid video taped it.

Well that horrifying thought and possibility was something I never had spoken about to anyone...EVER. And my mentioning it now I have upset the delicate spiritual, emotional and psychological balance inside of me. I feel like a spacecraft spinning helplessly out of control...only waiting for the inevitable CRASH into the SUN.

It takes so very little in the way of a sudden, painful memory or flashback to throw this Train that I call me off the tracks, over the trestle and into the raging white-water below. I can clearly anticipate it coming yet at the very same moment it still always comes as a rather SHOCKING Surprise!

I really have held onto the hope that I was entering a period in recovery where it was no longer a daily fight for sanity yet it seems quite often that it it still very much is. I don't think it is unrealistic to desire some continual, achievable peace now and again.

I do not expect a miracle or a fairy tail existence but the sudden daily SHOCK seems more then unfair after so much growth...progress and nurturing care/concern by a significant other.

At the very least I would think that it is fair to hope for the daily POSSIBILITY or expectation of peace. Today that is not the reality that I operate under and I see no immediate change on the horizon....it is discouraging even for the hopeful, optimistic ME that I have become. So I continue to wait.....in hopeful anticipation, that I will one day fly FREE.

PHOTO: Kathy Tomson

Back In OHIO

Well it is the infamous (and ridiculously named ) "BLACK FRIDAY" today. Ridiculous because it sounds like an out break of the PLAGUE and not some silly commercial name for a shopping day for Christmas.

I am sitting at my computer in the basement of my sister's home in Centerville, Ohio...a suburb of Dayton. K and I are trying to figure out if we need to head beck north this morning. There is a possibility K could have to work early tomorrow so the decision I think has made itself...we gotta get going today.

Which is kind of a bummer because I had been thinking about visiting the US Air Force Museum at Wright Patterson Air Force Base here in Dayton. I think that visit is going to have to wait but I highly recommend it to anyone interested in flight, the military or history. And it's free which makes it a wonderful family outing.

When I was a kid growing up in suburban Columbus, Ohio we frequently went to the USAFM for school field trips, with the Indian Guides & Boy Scouts, Youth Group and just on our own. I've been there at least a dozen times but I hadn't been there since the late 1970's when I visited several years ago on a whim with my niece Angela. I was stunned...what had been one hanger full of old planes was now 4 huge huge super-hangers and they contained the most incredible display of military aircraft ever. And they don't charge a cent to see it.

They now have a collection of retire Air Force One's...the Presidential Plane and they have now almost completed the total rehabilitation of the original B-17: Memphis Bell...the first 8th Air Force Bomber to take it's crew on 25 completed missions over occupied Europe and return them home. The Crew got to fly the old bird home and went one one long US War Bond Tour. They made several movies and documentaries about the "Belle'. Any way...I need to go next time I visit and again, I recommend it. It's onlt a 3 hour drive from the Coldwater Michigan area where I live so locals here could visit easily in a day.

All righty then...since it looks like we are traveling today I have to get going...we'll stop back later and fill in the details.

Holding On In The HOLIDAYS

For many people recovering from Alcoholism/Drug Addiction, the Holiday season beginning with Thanksgiving, can set off an annual period of Depression, negative thoughts and increased temptation to return to our old patterns of drinking, etc. Translation: A lot of recovering Alkies & Junkies want to get hammered during the Holidays...we can spend a lot of time feeling sorry for ourselves which is an extremely precarious place to be for someone in recovery. Not all of us are depressed but most of us would rather drink like we used to...

Oddly, I was not a big "holiday guy", therefore I never really thought about it much in festive terms...like celebrating or going to parties...I was an everyday drinker, I drank like it was a holiday every single day of the year...seriously. So it has not really been a more difficult time for me in recovery but I tend to be the exception to the rule in this case, I'd say...certainly among recovering folks that I know personally.

I was never "anti-Holiday" in the fashion of Scrooge...I just never thought it was that big of a deal. As I child I certainly did, believing in Santa Claus for quite awhile though I cannot recall how old I was when I stopped believing. I do remember pretending to believe for several years after I stopped because A) I had a sister 4 years younger then I and I didn't want to spoil it for her. Plus I enjoyed getting a slew of additional gifts from "Santa"....Sheesh, I wasn't STUPID!


As a child I was enthralled by the whole ideal of Christmas...the biblical aspect of it as well as the Santa Claus myth. It held a magical sense of what was possible if only one BELIEVED and that was a very hopeful feeling. One I still get today but now that I actually am a believer it takes on an even more special meaning spiritually.

I know though that this is rough time of year for some of my com-padre's in recovery so I am always aware that some of them, even those with many years of sobriety might be struggling.

My biggest challenge concerning Holidays and Birthdays is that I struggle or want to drink...no it's that I can be a real cynical and critical pain in the butt about it and ruin those occasions for others...that has happened quite often in the past. I didn't get why they were such a big deal so I intentionally ruined it for everyone else! But recently I have actually started to look at it all from a less selfish perspective and I truly enjoy these special days now. I think having two grandsons helped me a bit along the way but i work daily at being a less selfish person in my everyday life...I think it might be working.

So K and I are headed to my sister's place just south of Dayton, Ohio very early tomorrow morning (K works until late tonight)...I'm really looking forward to it. So I imagine the next few posts will probably be originating from there if I can still function well enough to write after I gorge myself.

Until then, SAFE TRAVELS Everyone!

We Rot Away From The Inside

Those of you out there who read Shell Shock fairly regularly are probably wondering why there has been less "day in the life of a recovering addict" grist and more blatant whining and base observation on my part. It's probably because (and I am just speculating now) it's my freaking blog, I am said DICTATOR of said blog and I write what I darn well please but as I said, I'm really just guessing here....

Anyway the true answer is that my life is going pretty well and when that is true there is less angst, chaos and trouble to write about. That is the material that interests readers the most I've found...the OVERCOMING ADVERSITY stuff. It isn't that life is easy...it certainly is not that but it is moving along well at this point so my attention lands elsewhere then exclusively on me and my issues.

For example...today's particular BUG up me BUM is that the PO-DUNK town of Coldwater, Michigan (closest city to where I happen to live) has no movie theater showing the new Steven Spielberg movie LINCOLN within 20 miles of it, at least as far as I know.

I find this absolutely unacceptable as well as totally unbelievable. I probably could fill a book with my displeasure and opinion about how concerned I am that Americans no longer have a freaking clue about History, particularly their own. It isn't that they find it uninteresting...last night PBS TV ran a Ken Burns Documentary on the Dust Bowl and it was hugely popular...a multiple part documentary about DUST & DIRT Storms!

The American people truly love history, it's the establishment...IE: The Government  School Boards, Department of Education, etc that want to put forward a revised version of history to sell their own politically correct VISION Of America, that is mostly a fabrication, in my opinion. So it is counter-productive to have historically correct shows, movies and books out there so people can educate themselves. The last thing they want is an independently thinking, educated population....GEEZ, then folks might actually use their ability to reason, broad & objective sense of history and intelligence to pick the person most qualified to be our President. 

I know...I sound paranoid here like there is a conspiracy against the facts  but there sure seems like there is a war against TRUTH going on in this country today. I railed against the LIE in another recent post yet it seems we can do nothing to stop the powers to be from Re-Writing our County's and the WORLD's History. Don'y believe me?

Two years the Leader of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  stood addressing the full contingent of the United Nations and claimed as he has many times before that the Holocaust NEVER HAPPENED. The worlds entire population of Muslims basically believe this is the case. So not is ignoring History just plain wrong in my opinion but it's morally corrupt & DANGEROUS as well!

General Eisenhower as the Supreme Commander of the Allies ordered all the troops liberating the German Extermination and Concentration Camps to let the Press in to photograph EVERYTHING without holding back. He said at the time that one day someone would say this never happened and he wanted to make damn sure that never happened. He was a prophet because in less then 80 years the Holocaust has already been denied in the United Nations!

So the people running the movie theaters of Coldwater MI and Angola, IN take HEED, you are helping to destroy, not only the history but our Country itself by your ignorant acts.

By changing our History, promoting false beliefs and understanding among our people we are seeing the foundation of America come apart from the inside - out. And I see it happening now at such an alarming rate because the younger citizens of our County (anyone below they age of 40, I'd say) do not have the basic knowledge and understanding of  even this Country's most recent History...that of the 20th Century...which includes the Great War, The Great Depression, Civil Rights, WWII, NASA'S Apollo Moon Program, The Cold War, Vietnam War, Watergate & the fall of President Nixon and the fall of the Soviet Block in Eastern Europe among other things.

They certainly KNOW little to nothing about the Civil War, the Founding Principles of our Nation's beginning, The Constitution  etc. I find incredibly disturbing and in all honesty I am not sure that this trend, at this point can ever be stopped and turned around in the other direction. That would be a National Catastrophe, plain and simple!

Just Because I liked The Pic

'Ya know...I really didn't have anything to write this evening. I just happened to come across this new photograph taken by my friend and frequent photo contributor Kathy Tomson. 

Kathy has a way of really showing life from a different perspective and those folks who know me realize how much that would appeal to me...it figures, right?! In this photo the sun in the background creates direct contrast (conflict perhaps?!) with the leaves covered in melting ice. I have a weakness for silhouette shots such as these because I often see life from the shadows first and then focus back toward detail. 

Again...I had absolutely nothing really to write about I just wanted an excuse to post this photo so here it is.

Good night kiddies.....