Oh boy....I'm not really sure what it is that brings me around to situations like this but here it is, the Saturday after Thanksgiving and everything is good. The Holiday, traveling and seeing family were all great yet when it comes to posting on the blog, my stream of consciousness writing method pops out Sexual Assault and my weird reaction to it as a subject.
SORRY...it is true that I don't really have that much control when it comes to choosing this stuff, it really just kind of runs out of me on it's own. If I force a subject...well, you the reader would be the first to know because it is obviously so contrite, so manufactured and pushed out for the sake of writing.
I was responding to another post on on a friends blog about modern "performance art" and in the course of commenting on her post made the comment that it had crossed my mind what if one of the 3 men who sexually assaulted me as a kid video taped it.
Well that horrifying thought and possibility was something I never had spoken about to anyone...EVER. And my mentioning it now I have upset the delicate spiritual, emotional and psychological balance inside of me. I feel like a spacecraft spinning helplessly out of control...only waiting for the inevitable CRASH into the SUN.
It takes so very little in the way of a sudden, painful memory or flashback to throw this Train that I call me off the tracks, over the trestle and into the raging white-water below. I can clearly anticipate it coming yet at the very same moment it still always comes as a rather SHOCKING Surprise!
I really have held onto the hope that I was entering a period in recovery where it was no longer a daily fight for sanity yet it seems quite often that it it still very much is. I don't think it is unrealistic to desire some continual, achievable peace now and again.
I do not expect a miracle or a fairy tail existence but the sudden daily SHOCK seems more then unfair after so much growth...progress and nurturing care/concern by a significant other.
At the very least I would think that it is fair to hope for the daily POSSIBILITY or expectation of peace. Today that is not the reality that I operate under and I see no immediate change on the horizon....it is discouraging even for the hopeful, optimistic ME that I have become. So I continue to wait.....in hopeful anticipation, that I will one day fly FREE.
PHOTO: Kathy Tomson
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