On The Can...

If you don't know what I mean b "on the can" then you are not thinking hard enough my dear Reader! Just be thankful I'm not posting pictures!

We are at church waiting fr the 8:30a service to start and naturally nature calls...it's frustrating for sure considering I have been up for over 4 hours and hadn"t needed to use the restroom. Oh well...when nature callss, we answer!

The D IS B...(As In BAD!)

Ach! This little puppy of a post is going to be scattered all over the freaking place...I just feel like yapping and since there is no one here and K-Sue is on the road here with Mackaroo...well dear reader, today is YOUR lucky little day now isn't it?! Don't run...please, hey come back I was just kidding, you don't have to shut the computer down yet...


Oh boy was I excited this morning because today was the first REAL day of the College Football Season. Mainly it's the first Saturday...they played games Thursday and Yesterday but it's Game Day on Saturday that really KICKS it all off!

Because of my volunteer commitment and Kim & McK- coming here, I did not go to the Purdue vs Middle Tennessee State game with my dad at West Lafayette, IN this afternoon. Good thing too...Purdue was AWFUL! They won but not until the final minute and then they still almost gave it up to a team they should have HAMMERED several times over. Plus it was pushing a hundred freaking degrees and there is NO shade in that stadium at all. I wasn't sorry I missed it, let me say that.


I was almost sorry I even watched it though on the tube...it was pathetic though Caleb TerBush looked like he has potential at QB but it's hard to judge him on this his first start and only second game played EVER at the College Level! The offense wasn't bad but the Boilers D quite frankly SUCKED. They were awful and I saw ZERO improvement from the bumbling, stumbling pathetic D of the past. Plus Special Teams turned the ball over early in the game (AGAIN!) leading to MTS's first TD and what would have been the difference making score if we hadn't figured out a way to win in the last minute...ACH, I still feel sick!


We pounded the ball on there ground and had a decent passing game and I think the potential is there for this O to be good. TerBush looks like he may be the real deal as well. But the D frightens me...a great deal...they just plain stunk today...they were BAD. I'm not talking "GOOD-Bad" Nope just plain 'ole BAAAADDD! Sure they were rusty, first game of the season but they repeatedly showed the same penchant for the SAME mistakes that they repeatedly made last year.


Oh well, it is a W but they go on the road next week to RICE...an Option team that will give our D fits....that could be a loss if we don't get our act together fast. Well that's a week away...until then lets enjoy this one. Shhesh...it could be the only one all year!!

Whispers Of What Was Once

Ahh yea...the whispers, those subtle reminders mostly unseen, just beyond our realm and our sight...at times fleetingly caught in a sunbeam of this mind's eye.


I guess I find no surprise in the fact that I am intrigued and interested in things that have happened in the past: History. I have always liked reading history and discussing it...it has always had quite an attraction and pull on me.I have always believed that we can learn a lot about ourselves and our future by taking a good long look at our past. Now that is much different of course then a person who is living in the past, never wanting to move forward or change. That can be quite unhealthy and frankly quite destructive. But it's important to learn from our mistakes and our successes to better help us live in the present.


I've been pretty open about the fact that there was a time once where I strongly believed that I had actually lived a life before this one. I still have some mixed and confused thoughts and emotions about that situation. I have chosen to just leave it lie for the time being. 


But the reason I mention it is that I am very much in tune with my past and how it has affected me. I often use what has happened to me already as a way of preparing myself for the future. I think it just makes sense to learn whatever lessons we can from the experiences that we have already had. Those lessons are essentially free...we already paid for them really. It would be wasteful to ignore what we have already experienced....to me it's a no brainer but some folks ignore their past experiences...therefore I think they are at risk to repeat those same experiences AND mistakes again.


I think things do happen for a reason and the greatest classroom of all is life itself. I would hate to think I have endured some of the terrible heartache and pain that I have only to have to repeat it once more because I didn't learn anything from my experiences the first time around. That's just my way of looking at it I suppose but I find that it works for me...


So the emphasis I place on history and appreciation for the past in my life today is both a personal and artistic interest that can benefit me in a multitude of ways, in addition to being somewhat of a hobby as well.


Not sure why this notion about the past occurred to me so forcefully this morning other then I think the time I spend at the nursing home on Saturday mornings enhances my natural appreciation and passion for it. I connect to the residents of the nursing home on many different levels but certainly we have a shared interest in things from the past. Several of the residents are in their late 90's with a couple of them over a 100 years old. That alone fascinates me but they were truly born in a different world then the one we have today...


Several of us often have a reoccurring discussion about those simpler times before TV, the Internet, etc. etc. Often discussing the Depression and the Second World War''s affect on their childhood and their family. It's funny though, most of them, even those who are the oldest of the group truly embrace the present though. They just enjoy the fact I think that someone from a younger generation has an interest in those times when they were young...


So I'll now bring this journey into the relevance of the past to a close. Hey, it's Saturday in the Fall...College Football is on! See ya later...

The Clean Sweep and Needing A Miracle...

I often wondered in those weeks, then months and finally years after I initially found recovery, if I would ever feel OK loving another person again. I did not trust people and I certainly didn't trust myself. I felt so damaged inside, so hurt and unlovable...and as a result, incapable of loving anyone else in return. I know for a time that I felt as if FATE or God or whatever was punishing me for my mistakes or sins.  I felt tormented by what had transpired previously and my inability to stop it...


So I kept to myself the most intimate emotions and rarely allowed myself time, even in the privacy of my own mind to think about what it might be like to love again...to hold someone close emotionally...physically. I had been a fairly open person about showing affection...those days were long gone. Sure I'd hug my parents, kids or a old friend but there was no real emotion to it...I was going through the motions. I was so very afraid...


My reactions were mostly fear based I suppose. At least the initial reactions were in response to being so hurt emotionally and psychologically by the destruction of my marriage and the feelings I had of betrayal. Though I felt totally responsible for the end of the marriage because of my alcoholism/addiction, the method in which the relationship ended left me feeling de-humanized. The deceit, the cold, emotionless manner in which it all ended had me feeling like it was all a lie from the beginning...That the very notion of marriage itself was a farce...a stone, cold LIE.

(Painting by Edgar Degas)


The longer I stayed sober in recovery, healing emotionally, physically and psychologically...the more I began to see it truly wasn't all my fault. That there were some behaviors and actions from the X that really were cold, un-called for and de-humanizing. Though I also began to understand that this was a result of her trying to protect herself from whatever psychological and emotional pain she might experience as well. In the end, I couldn't fault her for being human herself...


Part of the healing process for me was realizing exactly where my responsibility began and ended for the break-up of that 15 year relationship/marriage. I did own a significant piece of the blame but by no means was I completely at fault, I needed to stop "owning" ALL of the responsibility for the divorce. 


Ultimately, I knew the time had come for me to change...I could make amends to her, without expecting anything in return, essentially cleaning up my "side of the street" (my responsibilities) as it were and moving beyond all that into a new life and wide open future.


Sure I would have appreciated some kind of an apology but that was never really her way and it just was not going to happen. It hurt some but I understood that it wasn't necessary for me to heal. I left that conversation with her feeling relieved and satisfied that I had done all I could to take responsibility and make amends for my mistakes...so now, perhaps...the time had come for me to fly?


But the destruction of that relationship and it's aftermath was only part of what was influencing my trust issues with relationships and ultimately, intimacy. Let's face it...the sheer horror of sexual assault and the scars left by that event and years of denying it's significance, were responsible for a whole lot of my fear and reluctance toward intimacy. 


It was going to take more then just time and communication with therapists to clear that horrific wreckage away for true healing to begin. And only when that true healing had begun would I have the ability to face those fears and perhaps, one day overcome them. Then maybe, just maybe I could one day love and be loved...again. Flight, for me was going to have to wait...


What I needed wasn't so much psychological or physical healing....Nope I had had a fair share of both of those things...and still my fear overwhelmed me. Little did I realize this at the time but what I was desperately in need of  was SPIRITUAL HEALING. And unbeknownst to me then...there was just such an opportunity for that type of healing waiting for me...out there, somewhere. All I needed to do then was simply find it....

First Visit Since The BOD's

OK...here I sit tonight, a Friday night just as the Labor Day Weekend Holiday kicks off and I feel reasonably good this evening. I actually have some plans that just came together an hour or so ago, though it wasn't really something that I had originally planned to do. 


K-Sue is coming down tomorrow, late afternoon and she is bringing one of her 12 year old daughter with her. She has only been here one time before, 5 years ago when she was just a little girl...this was during the BOD's (Bad Old Days...IE: When we were drinking and doping, not a good time in our lives). But I'm looking forward to having the company and seeing Mackaroo again. The weekend should be pretty nice weather wise so it should be good for their visit. I think we might have to do some a little boating and swimming with temps in the 90's tomorrow.




I really can't go into all the different family drama and dynamics on Kim's side, just trust me...it's a real mess but it is definately the right time to do this so we are. We hadn't really planned on it this weekend but knew that sooner or later we should get together down here for a weekend. It will be a good opportunity to show her where her mum spends a lot of her time and we'll get a chance to take her to church Sunday and she'll like that. 


I don't think it's a good idea to expose to much info about K's kids or what we are going to be doing. There has been a lot of drama and suspicion, mostly for no reason so I don't really want to start anything new. But I think it is important to move on and include her kids in her life down here...It is just another part of the over all healing process. We'll see how it goes but I have a sneaking suspicion it's going to go well...I know I am pretty excited and looking forward to it tomorrow.
                   

Ripping What I Sowed...

Yeesh! I just read the post I wrote this morning....NOT really my best work would be putting it mildly! What a boring piece crap that was! Boy sometimes when you write spontaneously as I do you can hit a home run and other times you whiff...this one, at least in my opinion...whiffed!

Ach, well you win some, you lose some I suppose. I'll say that the photo was pretty darn cool though!


But...now that I think about it, it is easier to come out with better, more intense, interesting posts when things are NOT going well...when things are good, well it gets a bit boring. Which in it's own way is a very good thing...I don't need chaos in my life just so my blog posts are better, that's for sure! Normalcy...It just doesn't always make for compelling blog posts though, right?


We are having what will probably turn out to be the last heat wave of Summer 2011. It's well over 90 degrees with 60% humidity...it feels kind of good really. Often Labor Day weekend is a bust as far as weather goes here in lower Michigan. I recall when I was a kid it often rained which was memorable because we had the original cottage then and it was small so we were very crowded. Plus there was no cable TV, no Internet...we had NOTHING to do when it rained. Except for me...i loved to read!


But this weekend looks like it's going to be a great one for the holiday...things are still fairly quiet but give it time...it will be jumping tonight I' sure...


Still thinking about a reasonable and responsible but not embarrassing way I can write a post or two about the impact of rape on sex and my opinion of sex in my life. I'm struggling with this...because it has been traumatic and it really did mess me up for a long, long time. I kind of wish the thought of writing about it never occurred to me but it did, so there must be some reason it did.


I won't agonize anymore about it...I have a feeling that it will come when it is supposed to...that's the way this usually works...


HAHA...I just now realized that this post probably isn't any more interesting then the one I wrote this morning and just ripped here earlier in this entry. Oh well I'm trying, I'm trying...

TODAY- A Day Like Any Other Day

Last night when I was posting on this blog I causally mentioned that the Holiday weekend was almost here. Of course I was talking about Labor Day...


Americans love any holiday that will give them a paid day off work...in most companies, this is still actually the case. But I did always think it a bit ironic that the most capitalistic, profit oriented country in the world would have an actual holiday celebrating LABOR, Organized Labor really...of all things. Labor was not really something you would think of celebrating, especially when we were engaged in the Cold War with the Communist (Labor Oriented) Soviet Union for all those years after the end of the Second World War.


But hey, it's a day off work and a paid day at that so way-cool! Any excuse to sit around for 3 days drinking beer with your buddies seems like a good idea, right?!


But in my world today, being retired...all the days are pretty the same, typically really busy now which suits me just fine. Work days, holidays, vacation days...whatever, they're all the same. Hence I rarely know what day of the week it is...usually my schedule tells me the day. If I am reading at the Nursing home...well it's Saturday. Church on Sunday morning...meet for a breakfast discussion first thing on Wednesdays and on and on.


It was a bit surreal at first but everything eventually worked itself out. When I first got sober...I spent most of my days going to recovery related classes, support groups and hanging out with other recovering folks at the local coffee shop. It worked, I stayed sober, got some time under my belt and then I was able to start living a more normal kind of life...


Today I have quite a few commitments on a weekly basis and get to spend a lot of time doing recovery oriented stuff in addition to meeting with shut-ins at the nursing home each week. It has been such a great experience for me doing this type of volunteer stuff because I get to meet so many new people. I never would have guessed that i would enjoy this kind of thing but I really do.


And the pace I set, the stuff I choose to do I can flex to meet my physical limitations and disabilities. That has always been the biggest obstacle to me doing any type of work volunteer or paid work. 


I also get to write, pretty much at will and that has been a pleasant surprise as well because the X was the writer in the family and I never gave it any thought. But I can do it and most importantly...I love doing it.  So that fills my days as well.


Well the sun is just peeking up over the horizon and trying to get the day started so I think I'm headed outside. It is already rather warm and muggy today...so sleeveless shirt weather which is fine with me. There aren't going to be many of those type of days left! So perhaps we will try and pursue a more serious post subject this afternoon....Happy Friday Morning!

Forbidden Subjects or Just CRAP!

I'm craving cereal right now but I'm not very motivated to get up and make myself a bowl. Instead I just sit here and  find my eyes wandering down my arm to stare awhile at my sunburned skin...not going to have a tan much longer with Fall coming on hard right now...For the first time this season, College Football is on Thursday night TV. Wisky vs UNLV (Wisconsin vs University of Nevada Las Vegas)...So to say my sense of seasonal timing is a tad off tonight would be an understatement...a really BIG understatement! 


I have a lot of unconnected thoughts, questions and ideas running loose in my head. That can be a potentially volatile situation to say the least! That is why I thought it might just be better if I sat down and let them fly here at the old keyboard. Basically it was a case of "I don't know what to do with all this nonsensical crap...I'll turn it into a blog post!" So here we are...


I have been kicking around ideas for blog posts...something I don't often do because most of my blog post material is spontaneous. Really, 
I would say 95% of my blog posts come right from stream of consciousness. I sit down with out a clue as to what I am going to write about, start typing an idea or words and the post begins to flow. It's kind of cool really and I never knew that I had this ability to write.


One of the actual post ideas I am mulling over is a bit controversial which explains why I haven't touched this subject yet with a post. Shell Shock Serenade is a blog about a recovering addict/alcoholics life in recovering...the good, the bad and the ugly. In addition to being a recovering addict, I am also the survivor of sexual assault...RAPE.


One of the subject areas that I have not even hinted at in this blog is SEX...my views on sex and, how they were affected by what happened to me, etc., etc. I am really not sure that I want to go there for several different reasons. Yea, it's very private thing talking about one's view of sex and it can be embarrassing. Typically I'm not a person that is super shy about that subject in the right setting and context.


So I wonder if I should break the seal on this whole new area of discussion and post about SEX tonight or first thing tomorrow? I may...I don't really know. It could be rather mundane going and boring or I could really be unlocking an area that just explodes right before my eyes...We'll see I guess.


I feel a bit restless tonight, that can be a positive or a negative thing for me. The holiday weekend is coming up and there is already some increased activity here on the isle...Typically I really like it when there is a holiday here on the island but Labor Day has always had a negative feeling attached to it because it signals the end of the summer, back to the business of school and severe winter weather here in Michigan! Oh well...


OK I'm gonna shut this puppy down and get that cereal I have been craving for over an hour, so good night all...  


(Painting by Henri Mattise)                                   

Huh?! You Can't Kill It...

I've always kind of wondered if the more sensationalistic, drug and rape posts generate more interest then say the every day sports or spiritual type posts.  Off the top of my head I would have to say that I do think those  kind of posts get more interest, at least more comments then the other type of posts.


The blog posts that have the most hits historically on Shell Shock are Boilers and Blizzards about Purdue Basketball and a snow storm. There is also a post about the Serenity Prayer that has just in recent weeks gotten a lot of hits and moved up. The there are assorted other topics but lately it seems that the harder edged topics tend to get better play or posts that have an unusual, weird or clever names like: A Cosmic Mary Poppins With A Death Wish or Tap Dancing With Chaos (Between Them Ears!). Those type of blog post titles get peoples attention. 


I do like the creative title and try hard to find those that are relevant, humorous or clever. Yea and one that also happens to be related to the subject matter in the post helps too! It is part of the creative process....


I don't get any relevant feedback about subject matter really. Folks who read the blog just accept what I write and go from there. I will say that it does bother me some that I only have a small number of Followers on Blogger, a few more then that on Network Blogs and some on FaceBook Blogs as well. But I get a lot of hits throughout the day. At least to me it's a lot...well over a hundred each day...and it seems to be increasing. 


I think it's healthy to want to appeal to a larger audience but I won't and can't really sacrifice my original intent for The SHOCK and stray just to attract more readers. It's has crossed my mind, using gimmicky ideas like who I'd like to meet for dinner or run a contest. Ach...not my style...I can't do it. I'm not criticizing those things...they just won't work here...Well perhaps I could write about the 5 people I'd like to have been in Rehab with...Let's see Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Vincent Van Gogh, Edgar Allen Poe and Ernest Hemingway...whoa, I could come up with a lot more.


OK, all kidding aside...I know this type of blog writing and subject matter is never going to appeal to the mainstream blog reader and that is cool, I get that. I do have an EGO and want a lot of folks to read it but that isn't the main motivation for writing this Blog. No there would be two reasons really: One is I do it for myself. I have benefited greatly by getting this stuff out in the open and off my chest. The second reason is to get this subject matter: Addiction/Alcoholism, Sexual Assault, Christianity/Spiritual Matters and a host of other related things out there for people who may be struggling in their own lives to see. 


Bottom line is I write Shell Shock Serenade to help people...myself included. It does seem to be effective and I really like what has happened with this blog over the last 18 months or so I have been writing it...


So I'll keep plugging away but I do want to say that any suggestion at all would be greatly appreciated...I love getting your feedback when it is offered so please feel free!


(Painting by Henri Mattise)

A Notion...In Motion.

I've been thinking a lot about the notion that I have gotten to be more serious then I need to be and that because of that I have lost or ignored some of the more congenial or light-hearted aspects of my personality. Or that I have gotten so serious that I am morbid and a downer to be around. I have mentioned a couple of times that a family member had expressed that very concern to me and I take it seriously, I really do. I have an ego, I'll admit it and I can bristle a bit at even the most constructive, postive criticism but I really am open minded and open about necessary change.


Recovery from addiction/alcoholism is serious business. It's a heavy, emotional subject no matter how you slice it or dice it. Rape obviously is a serious matter as well. Those two subjects...along with facing a life changing spiritual transformation recently do make for some very rough and tumble subject matter at times, no doubt about it.


The fact that I choose to make recovery, addiction education, spiritual growth and helping other people heal from those very things my life's work ("life's focus" really since I am not a professional and not paid) means I am thinking about and dealing with this heavy stuff most of my waking moments...that is I'm CHOOSING to think and do something about it. It's hard to separate myself from it from time to time, since it isn't an actual "job" but a life's work, a passion, a "directive from above"...I'm not sure I really want or need to separate from it either.


But I do take the concern seriously so I had to double check my motives for doing this kind of stuff and living with this passion everyday of my life. I consulted those I am in contact with on a daily basis: my parents, Kim and several friends & spiritual advisors. Though all agree that I am fully committed to the cause, passionate and intense about it, they feel it is in appropriate proportion to the work I do. Basically they said that whether that level of intensity could be a bit annoying to some people or not, it is my natural working method.


They also told me that I am more light hearted, cheerful and humorous then I give myself credit for which I'll admit is a relief. I don't want to lose my sense of humor...heck, laughter is the greatest healer of all! The individual family member expressing concern doesn't spend much time around me any more so they really cannot see that there truly is more balance in my life then it seems when we are together. 


it is natural for me to get excited by this kind of endeavour so it makes sense when I haven't seen someone for awhile I want to share this work and it's results with them, so it does tend to dominate what I am thinking and talking about. Knowing that now, I have been trying to do a better job when in similar situations to keep conversation and topics more balanced and a bit on the lighter side. So far I think it has helped...


But I do really try to address issues and work through things in this manner when confronted with a concern like this. And I believe this was really quite a healthy re-evaluation of my motives, lifestyle and working method for me. I had several interesting, informative and productive discussions about this stuff and it open me up to other ways to handle this kind of thing in the future.


So I feel pretty good about it and will continue to be open minded about tweaking it as I go. I don't know whether it will be enough to satisfy the original concern but I do feel like I took an honest and thorough look at the situation. And I do feel satisfied that even though other people may disagree with how I operate  in my personal life that it is still a fairly reasonable and healthy  manner to proceed:  Basically...it's my working method and it's OK.




(Painting: Icarus by Henri Matisse 1947)