Early this morning I wrote a post that explained a little bit about what was going on with me in terms of some unsettled emotions blowing out after Kim and I were driving home after we had just had a nice dinner out. It was an explosive enough outburst that it really got my attention (and Kim's) and had me concerned about what might lay behind that type of reaction.
Now I can't say I have the answer to that question but I am reasonably certain that it was a result of suppressing some of the troubling thoughts & feelings that can still affect me in day to day life. I work hard at trying to communicate those type of things but such is life sometimes and some of those things will slip through the cracks...
I also knew that Kim was leaving to go back to Holland this morning and I would be less then honest if I didn't admit to feeling more then a little upset by that fact. Yes, it is getting harder and harder each new time to let her go back. Things at her home are less then ideal with some abusive, controlling, co-dependant family relationships for starters. I do not like to see her hurting and upset. Trust me, this behavior is hurtful, hateful and viciously manipulating...that manipulation includes using her two children as pawns in the middle against her. It makes me physically sick when I think about it...
It is a horrifying scenario and frankly I wouldn't have believed it myself if I had not seen it countless times with my own eyes and heard the hateful, resentful, vile language directed at her. Think I'm exaggerating for dramatic affect here? The truth is I'm actually downplaying it a bit. Honestly...It is the most upsetting and hurtful family situation that I have ever heard of or have seen for myself.
Funny but I did not sit down to re-hash that earlier post but clearly I am still working through some of the emotions that have upset me so much the last couple of days. I do think that my relationship with K-Sue has played a much larger role in this whole deal then I originally realized.
After Kim and I got home from dinner last night, things were rather quiet and subdued. This was a couple of hours after I had exploded verbally in the car on the way home from dinner about her family and my feelings of powerlessness to help her when they hurt her as they do...it was one of the first times that I have really realized how much my feelings for her are affecting the way I feel in general.
I was acting out a good deal of my frustration and anger for being unable to help her defend herself when she is back home in Holland and I am here in Coldwater...It took quite some time afterwards for me to settle down inside...I was literally shaking after my initial outburst.
But I can't help laughing to myself as I sit here right now when I recall the two of us going out to the garage across the street just after sundown to close things up for the night. It was raining and really coming down quite hard. I had an umbrella but I was feeling a bit nervous because there was quite a bit of lightening and thunder.
We had both been quiet, still reeling a bit from the angry exchange we had experienced in the car a couple of hours before...As the lighting flashed and thunder boomed I turned to Kim and told her I felt like some sort "Cosmic Mary Poppins with a death wish" carrying that stupid umbrella around in that storm! Then I preceded to dance, like Mary Poppins...in the rain, said umbrella held high (hence the reference to a Death Wish!) above my head. I'd clearly lost my mind...
Well that was pretty much the end of all the tension and sadness that had been hovering around us since I blew my stack in the car on the way home. We both nearly fell over right there while we were laughing in the driveway, standing in that torrential rainfall just letting our laughter cleanse that pain and sorrow away...at least for one night....it was a beautiful thing really and a sign to me anyway, that God most certainly does work in mysterious ways.
It definately lightened our burden and we were able to talk through the issues that were troubling us...what I didn't realize at that time was that I would also be able to get a rather funny and interesting Blog Post Title out of that insane little adventure as well...
