There have been a couple of occasions recently where I have found myself skating along a rather thin edge between good and evil...hard and soft...hot and cold. The scenario is similar each time in that I am living my life, things are seemingly fine when I realize suddenly that they are not and my life, my very existence is at risk.And chaos reigns between my ears...
I am once again finding myself some what cut off emotionally and more importantly spiritually. I have learned from hard experience that when that happens I begin to feel shaky, doubtful and very uncertain about things going on in my life so my tendency is to revert back to what I've always known when chaos or trouble sets in...needless to say it is a very BAD DEAL all the way around!
(Both Paintings by Picasso)
The fact that I feel isolated spiritually brings back some intensely bad memories and sets in motion some problematic thinking on my part. Often in the past I felt like I was always the exception to the rule. I was the guy that would never find God or be normal or fit in with others, etc, etc. When the portal to God appears blocked as it does right now I begin to feel and think those very same kinds of things...and it is quite dangerous for me when this happens. I am not over stating this, trust me...it's really dangerous.
Of course one thing leading as it does to another...I begin to question my own sanity...er..stability really and that too seems shaky...at BEST!
A good indicator for me that something is up (or in this case WAY DOWN) is the ART or music I'm attracted to at the moment. I typically do not find most of Pablo Picasso's work that appealing. There are a select few that really move me, mostly from his earlier "BLUE" Period. I just tend to like his Pre-Cubism stuff.... but of course I have to be different so that is the stuff most people overlook...but not me! But tonight it was not just the "BLUE" Period but his Cubism stuff as well that really caught my attention...YEP and that sure is a big old warning flare shooting right up into this dark and stormy late night sky.
That in itself is a nudge...a cosmic tap on the shoulder telling me that I am unbalanced...and that is exactly the way that I feel. Out of whack, out of balance...AT RISK.
So what now? Who knows but I'll just hang on for dear life. This stuff often occurs to me when everyone else on the freakin' planet is asleep. And of course that is the case again tonight!
I'd laugh but I'm afraid it would turn to tears. All I can to is sit here and wait until the sun rises again. See you all at DAWN...