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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Exiting The Void to Engage The Whirlwind....



In the years before I was injured then battled a subsequent blood/bone infection that resulted in the loss of my right leg below the knee (BKA- Below Thew Knee Amputation) I had gotten into the habit of writing daily here on Shell Shock Serenade. Eventually the shear landslide of surgeries (34), hospitalizations (153 days) and fighting for my life took all the energy that I had and I stopped writing...cold. I really miss it but cannot seem to get my writing groove back and so this blog continues to sit idle....and this makes me feel quite sad.

I truly found it helpful to relay the events of my life as a way of helping others who were dealing with substance abuse or had to find a way to live with the tragic chaos of sexual assault or sexual molestation as I have for the last 43 years. Doing so was also critical to helping me stay sober...One day at a time and deal with the after effects of that extremely violent sexual assault as a boy (PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The entire trajectory of my life was altered in one 5 minute period of time.

I have made attempts in the past to write again and found it difficult to remain focused and quickly lost interest. But I really want to find a way to write regularly so here I'm going try it again.

I am not the same person I was before the accident and recovery. I've had the proverbial shit kicked out of me every way possible: physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.I no longer trust any one or any thing....I have no spiritual belief left. Honestly I am not sure I truly believe in ANYTHING anymore. Life is to survive, to endure to SUFFER...



I have little use for anyone who hasn't suffered because in my mind they haven't truly lived and I just cannot relate.I know it sounds callused but such is the end result of my experience.

I'm am not the biggest fan of the painter Pablo Picasso but since I was a very small boy I was pulled toward works from his "BLUE Period" such as those above. The color and distortion mirrors my own emotion well.

None of this means that my life such as it is is a failure or that I am unhappy or dissatisfied all the time I just identify with visible TRUTHS and don't trust Faith or people who have all the answers.

More on these thoughts later... 

Thursday, June 8, 2017

"SCARS Are Souvenirs You NEVER LOSE"...


Occasionally  I'll find myself caught completely unaware by something that just takes my breath away by how relevant or meaningful I find it to be. A fairly recent example is the concept of a life experience leaving a permanent scar on a person's soul...It is an idea that has really been haunting me, kind of burning a hole in my brain. I truly believe that what we live through, experience or even endure leave a permanent mark on us....a life-long "Soul Scar" as it were. I undoubtedly am a rather prime example of one who has begun a collection of these life changing experiences...my obsession with this has now become a bastardized form of souvenir hunting for these cosmic scars in a way...I've been collecting them in my own way, nurturing and cultivating them. Sounds sadistic but the SCARS as they were are not always a result of a negative experience....

The title of this post is not of my own creation....it is a lyric from a Goo Goo Dolls song called NAME....one of my favorites.

It was probably in late 1990 or early 1991 and we were headed to  NJJ to visit my Ex's fam and friends outside of NYC. We left Holland at 3a and headed through Canada re-entering the States in Buffalo NY.  We had a local station on the radio and they were interviewing some band from the area that I had never heard of before. I wasn't paying much attention until the guitarist/Lead singer Johnny Reznik said something that caught my attention and made me literally laugh out load in reference to their home town...Buffalo, NY. When asked about growing up there he said "Buffalo is just a great place to live....but I'd never want to visit". At that moment began my life-long love affair with the GOO's and a  real appreciation for their music. 

So much so I want to share it w/ all of you. 

NAME: