I cannot help but feel that this long, difficult medical ordeal of this past year has changed me...and in all honesty I am not sure that the changes are even a little positive. I feel more down and reflective, attitude wise so I suspect that I am feeling the effects of physical and emotional burnout. I have been worn down to a mere nub of my former self, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Only in the spiritual realm have I continued to fly to further heights...facing major adversity can do that to a person and battling life's struggle's is one place in time where tend to excel...er, even prosper and grow.I live for the fire and smoke of battle...
Even though this year has basically consisted of one bit of bad news followed by another, then another...then more and more and more, etc. I truly feel closer to God then I ever have before. But that doesn't explain why this awful ordeal has overwhelmed me and my friends/family, even as I have grown from the adversity of the fight...perhaps I shall never know that answer. Instead I will continue to battle...I shall fight with all my might...damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
And now that I have actually experienced a small yet mostly symbolic victory of sorts in that my latest surgery has gone well (so far)...I still find about all I can really focus on is the physical & mental hard-ship and pain of my current existence. Mired in the sucking bloody trench muck of insecurity, doubt and disorder....I know I must fight, fight like a demon, endure the hardship of Hell then find the will to fight some more. Only by quitting on myself now will guarantee my defeat to this evil illness.
I shall not quit...not now...not tomorrow...not EVER. Yea, Yea...I am channeling my pal in Black Doggedness, Winston right now....only Churchill will fight on the beaches...in the fields and on the streets...and my Battle is taking place for my SOUL!