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Friday, March 29, 2013

Winding My Way Home...My Friend.

It almost seems an exercise in futility to sit down once again at my once beloved keyboard and try to put my feelings, my soul really into each and every post I write for Shell Shock Serenade.

My latest illness has taking nearly 8 weeks of my life now with no resolution. Adding in this mysterious fainting then falling problem resulting in a severely broken right leg and obviously it still wasn't punishment enough for whatever it was that I did to anger the now I am not only unable to to read for pleasure or study (my favorite way in the world to spend some time alone) but I cannot write but a few sentences before I then lose all sense of time and space only to be rendered unable to write at all.

My solution for that up until now has been to simply write what I can and post it. This has been terribly difficult because it is embarrassing but I know of no other way to try and "break through' whatever it is that is dragging me down and creating this enormous sense of hopelessness and fatigue.

My purpose in posting tonight is to try and explain what I am doing and why but I already am becoming weary and must end this post for now.

I promise dear reader, that I will endeavor to persevere and conquer this malady once and for all. Perhaps that will not lead me back to where I once was but if I am able to function independently at all, I will consider that a victory and move forward.

Thank you my friends for your continued interest in Shell Shock...even though it tis but a shell of it's former self. I will be back one day soon.  

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)                                            

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Another "Risen From Near Death Post" March 2013

Interestingly enough, this busted right ankle - post not giving me the most pain right right now. No that would be my left freaking thigh, hip and knee. sure is painful (and HUMBLING) growing old.

I woke up this morning and had no clue that the cast would be coming off today....But there were complications with my wearing it any longer so I called the surgeon and he had me come right in. So....instead of blowing me off and continuing to tell me I have another 4 days to wear the nasty thing, he treated me with dignity and respect  and tried something different. 

When I arrived at his office I thanked him for not treating me like a piece of meat and he just smiled and said that isn't the way they operate...and that is the truth. I could not be happier with the surgery or the way that Im have been treated.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Hitting A Wall and The Uncompromising SILENCE That Whispers:You're No Good!

I feel like I am being stretched far beyond my ability to meet that requirement....Both physically and psychologically. I'm dancing with one foot, crutches in hand...on the very precipice of sanity...the Razor's Edge of REALITY and I find that I am losing touch with it....this old soldier is FADING AWAY. And I am so very afraid at times.

Yet there are moments of PEACE in all this and that is when I know the HE...My GOD watches over me.

But more often then not, my faith wavers and I struggle to keep my composure. I hurt so badly inside....It has always been a lesson that have learned over the years about how truly powerless I am.

This story shall be continued.... 

Ach...It's Mr Misery! is 1:30a and I am up and sitting at my computer. This sounds just like the sleepless nights of old, eh?! Yea, it certainly does...yet it isn't quite the same. Because I have been recovering from a significant injury to my right ankle/lower leg requiring surgery and hardware to hold stuff together...I have been sleeping a great deal throughout the day. This has made a huge difference in how I feel overall.

But on the other hand this whole experience has been a huge shock to my system. In a nutshell here is what has happened to me these last couple of months.

About 8 weeks ago I came down with a bad case of bronchitis, at least that is what they thought it was. 5 weeks and 4 rounds of anti-biotic and I was still sick. Some of the tests they ran me through showed a possibility of Congestive Heart Failure so I began a series of tests on my heart.   

At week 7 in this ordeal I started to just pass out and fall unconscious to the floor...or into the bathtub...or into a kitchen table and chairs. It scared the hell out of me and I was starting to get hurt with bumps and bruises all over my body. During the last 8 to 10 days I was calling my doctor's office almost daily begging them for help...I was terrified that i was really going to get hurt. Twice I hit my head extremely hard...once in the kitchen hitting the floor full-bore and once when falling into the bath-tub. It took a full day each time for me to think straight again.

The Doc scheduled a Cat-Scan and some blood work but wouldn't tell me what i should do. I even said they might have to hospitalize me or I am going to get hurt. They did NOTHING...    

So last Sun night/Mon morning around 2a I collapsed in the kitchen, falling straight down on myself, basically breaking the fibula along a 3' diagonal crack. It require immediate surgery to repair with 9 screws and a long plate.

I was just stunned and terribly upset that this had happened and I had been ignored to the point that I was so badly injured. Now they are so worried about everything./..this same idiot doctor wanted to with hold permission to operate on my leg because i hadn't seen a cardiologist yet..except I had nearly a week before! And I had been cleared by him to boot....    

So now I start Spring way behind physically...with a long rehab ahead of me. And I am absolutely drowning in medical bills making life even more difficult. But what can you do? But keep keeping on, right?!            

Friday, March 15, 2013

Zee Hurtin' PUPPY Continues to FREAKIN" Hurt!

Well...Hello There, It 'Tis Me again and yea that is 2 posts in 2 days, YIPPEE!! Though I cannot say how good or understandable it will be in the least I am alive and actually here participating in my own LIFE least to a certain degree.

So...we shall see you tomorrow for the 3rd post day in a ROW!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

A Hurtin' PUPPY Speaks: "I'm NOT Dead!!"

Hello my friends...I feel like a complete stranger on my very own blog. But I am determined to NOT let this mysterious illness destroy all that I love and care about. I ran a significant fever for well over a month and it just now seems to be starting to let go.

My purpose tonight ids to say HELLO and let you all know that I am ALIVE and still kicking.
Basically I have been having serious, bronchitis like symptoms for well over a month that including startlingly high fever then just passing out and falling hard to the ground. I told my doctor for 10 days that sooner or later I was going to get seriously...HURT. And that is exactly what happened. I fell and broke my right ankle requiring major reconstruction.
Take care....

Friday, March 8, 2013

My Cardiologist: What A JOKE

I am really angry with my latest encounter with a specialist in the hospital.  The Heart Doc was an absolute joke telling me on one hand that I should praise the Lord because I have no heart problem while saying my symtems require treatment as a heart problem would. His rant to me made him sound crazy:

I'm still trying to figure this Dr L***** guy out. He declares that I have no heart problem....well, er except you do have really high blood pressure actually, he tells me...but your heart is, er...'cept I really should have you on some heart medication but you're falling down so I am too indecisive to actually be a doctor and make a decision.. Anyway it isn't like the heart lining is hardening around your heart or anything indicating a heart and/or blood pressure issue...mmm, er, huh yea...that's right you do have hardening come to think of it, don't you! Perhaps you do have a heart issue....actually there is no doubt you do and if I had taken the time to shut my freaking yap and listen to you instead of act like GOD...well I might realize that there is a really good chance that is I actually allowed you to tell me about your feet/hands swellings that you'd be getting actual treatment instead of me blowing you off...then maybe you would feel better now instead of sicker then ever before.

I've never before felt so discouraged after meeting with a Doctor...

Still here...WILL Prevailed!

Yes the shell of a human being exists but I often wonder my friend am I still here existing, I have no idea what has happened.

Monday, March 4, 2013

A Little Ditty...

I am making an effort to communicate while I have the energy to do so. It 'tis a weak effort I know but it is the only effort that I can conjour up this week. Something's wrong so I must go...