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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sorry Kids But The Bug is Still There!

I thought I was really confused...until it dawned on me that I was just really angry. Yea I am still going round and round with my dilemma concerning my beliefs about spiritual things, religion and being a follower of GOD.

Whenever I have questions about the Church (notice Church is capitalized...that means I am talking about the overall Christian Church and not a local congregation like mine in Coldwater, MI) I noticed that someone recites back the Word of God to make their point and answer my question. The only problem that I have with that is that there is nothing written today in the Bible that hasn't been translated by man....most passages many time over. Basically the Bible is the Word of what Man thinks God would say were he here with us now.

I know I'll get a bunch of crap for saying that but sorry folks it is FACT, it has all been re-written and translated by men who by the Bibles own account are sinners by nature....usually to make a specific point, usually to be used to manipulate and control the followers of that congregation. It works well too...

I know I'll have folks trying to make their point but to me it is a mute point...Man wrote the Bible. Was it Divinely inspired....sure but so many hands were in the mix over the centuries that there is no possible way the message was not distorted, manipulated and GROOMED to sell THEIR message whether "They" were Catholic or  Protestant.

That brings me back to the original spark that ignited my indignation:this bit about people who are divorced can't hold leadership positions in the church. I think it is ridiculous and especially since the passages that are generally used to justify it are weak and open to several different interpretations.

That is my position...we will cover more on this tomorrow....

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Disillusionment DAY!

The other day I posted about my discovering that my church....far from being the exception was pretty much like every other church in the way it's people act, controlling others by peer-pressure and manipulation. They are as judgmental as any other group of organized religion I have been a part of. And I am disappointed....not because I thought it''s people were with out flaw. No I knew that wasn't true but it was their depth of phoniness that truly shocked me. In a response to a comment on that post I wrote this:

In the end...It is one's faith that really matters, not what other people think. I have never lost sight of that and that is what I believed through all those years of addiction...that organized religion was BAD, it was a creation of man to control other men through intimidation, peer pressure and guilt. I had hoped I found something different this time around with this church. I was wrong and I felt hurt & mislead when I discovered that some people weren't what they seemed. My BAD for being too won't happen again.

I think that sums up my thoughts on the matter pretty thoroughly.As usual, I am having difficulty putting words together but when I finished that last post it definitely felt unfinished, hence the need to clarify today.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Fakes, Phonies and the Modern Day Pharisee

As any regular reader of Shell Shock knows, when I write I rarely hold anything back. Nothing is sacred. I have without a doubt                          shared just about every dark secret or skeleton in my closet with the entire world via the blog over the last several years. Brutal, unrestrained honesty is not only a requirement for contributing to this also is an absolutely critical part of my daily recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. Only straight-up honesty heals the wounds of that past life.

Regular readers are also aware of the fact that after writing several posts a day for the last 4 years years, basically without missing a single day that I now can go for a week or more without posting at all....a very drastic change in writing habits.

As an explanation I have used my illnesses and writers block among other things but sitting here tonight watching HBO's coverage of RUSH getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I just now realized that the truth may be more difficult to admit and define...perhaps even a bit sinister.

I honestly think I'm not writing in Shell Shock Serenade because I do not want to tell the truth about myself and my feeling's right now. As a matter of fact...I'm certain of it.

I imagine that I will deal with the full truth about this subject in the very near future but let's just say I have become disillusioned with the organized aspect of my FAITH...I feel betrayed. I think there are some people I trusted and looked to for support and friendship who are phony and take advantage of people and have betrayed the sacred trust of confidence.

I'm angry and upset because I thought I found a group of people who were mostly genuine and the reality couldn't be further from the Truth. I feel judged, lied to and stupid for ever thinking this church could be different. Nope...they are just the same in many ways to the church leadership of Jesus's Time..the Pharisee's.

A very harsh comparison, I realize but that is the way it makes me feel. 

I'll elaborate more next time.....until then, so long!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Holiday Inn X, 3am (Reflection of a LIFE)

I'm sitting here at the desk in a room on the 2nd floor of the Holiday Inn Express in Holland Mi. I am home...Holland is as close to my home town as I  have. My feelings about this place are complex to say the LEAST. I spent many good years here...My children grew up here...went to school in the area, met their spouses here. 

I got married...and divorced, worked for the same company for nearly 24 years. I experienced what it was like for one's world to completely spin out of control and crash HARD into the ground...their were very nearly NO survivors. I tried to take my own life in late May of 2006 and that began the spiritual journey that continues to this very day.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done...and quite simply the easiest decision I ever made. My life simply depended on it....

Thursday, May 9, 2013

And So....It Shall Be (repost)

The following is a post from 11 April, 2012. As I have continued to recover from my recent injuries, illness and severe case of writer's block I have had to re-evaluate why I want to continue writing here on The SHOCK. Frankly...this post from over a year ago says it best...hence I am re-posting it

I do not know how long this "transition" will take but I am convinced more now then ever that I want to ride this out and blog regularly again. My Dear Reader's...I ask once again for your help and your patience. I day the dam will break and i WILL write again!

The other day I posted about evaluating this blog and how I came to the conclusion that I did want to continue to post and that I still felt compelled to do it. I had wondered if I was now sharing too much personal information and quite honestly I wondered how relevant my original premise for Shell Shock Serenade still was. I had originally intended to capture what recovery was like in real by day even minute to minute.

But the truth is that after nearly six years clean/sober there isn't always relevant (read: Interesting) stuff going on day to day. Then of course I started blogging about being raped as a boy...and this gave me more fodder for posts. 

I really wonder whether my life in itself, without the recovery drama is interesting enough to sustain readership. Ironically I am getting more hits daily then ever before so it truly is a miracle.

I have noticed when I have blogged about the hard core details of my addiction, my suicide attempt or the sexual assault...well those are my most read blog posts. But I don't want to artificially inflate or exaggerate to make this more appealing. I am, at my heart level perfectly satisfied to share with whoever wants to read it and let it be what it is: a document of what a life is like when addiction, sexual assault and suicide are all a part of it. 

I just want to represent those feelings, thoughts and reactions honestly and in a way that can be understood by other addicts, rape victims and suicide survivors as well as the general public. I am not angry, I don't have an ax to grind, I don't play the just want to live life to the best of my ability and serve God, my Creator. I am grateful to have survived and flourished once I found sobriety and a spiritual way of living that led me to God.

I don't have any intention of trying to shove my beliefs or way of living down anyone's, I really want to represent myself honestly and people can take it or leave it as they wish. I answer most if not all comments...I'm happy to do it. I answer all emails and will talk to  anyone who truly has an interest in any of the relevant subjects I write about. 

I am also a father, was a single father, I was married twice and am a grandpa. It is impossible to write about those other things in life with out including these facts as well. I probably write about relationships as much as any other subject now  because I have learned how important relationships with others truly are...they are essential to human beings as we live life on this planet...whether we believe it or not, humans are at their core social creatures and we bond with one another if for no other reason then to just survive.

So that is what I am pondering at this time as I plan on continuing to write. I will most certainly post answers to any questions people may have an you can ask me anything. My email is:

So people...COME ON, throw me a bone and write...ask me anything, say anything you might dare as to provoke a response....I imagine I have a few stashed away some where.

Please feel free to contact me if you'd like me to cover some detail of my experience that you want to know more about whether it's about alcoholism, rape, suicide or just living 50 years on this planet...I'd love to have suggestions on what folks would like to read about. But even without I'l just keep throwing darts and see what comes out of that.

So there it is..

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Hello Big, Bad World....this here is the news from Brokenlegville, U.S.A. Hmmm...well the leg is still rather broken so there hasn't been a change there but it has healed significantly.

But overall I am better and want to get back to writing the blog on a daily basis....See you soon!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Christine...Anything is POSSIBLE!

Regular readers of Shell Shock Serenade  are certainly aware that I value straight forward, blatant honesty when one is dealing with life's various issues or curve-balls. I also just plain value openness and honesty in all aspects of a persons life. my book is most certainly a virtue though a vast segment of our society here in America  probably would NOT agree.

But when you are dealing with life and death issues every day, honesty can truly be the difference between living and dying.

So with all this being true for me it should come as no surprise that I tend to gravitate to blogs, websites and articles that are about real life and survival in this big-ole bad world we live in. 

One of the very first blogs I started reading after I started my own was by a woman out in LA by the name of Christine Macdonald whose blog goes by the same name. And man did this woman have a story to tell. 

Her story is not for the faint of heart or for those people who want to shelter themselves and pretend nothing bad ever happens to people. These very same folks also tend to be the same one's who right people like Christine and myself off as "bad people", "evil" and "hopeless". They couldn't more wrong about that....

I don't want to spoil her story for anyone who would like to hit the link above and check her story out for yourselves but I'll give a brief over-view here:

She grew up in Waikiki, Hawaii and at the age of 14 suffered from a horrible, disfiguring case of Acne on her face and other parts of her body. It was so serious it required surgery. How awful for a 14 year old girl and the damage to her self esteem/self image was threatening even.

After graduating High School, she became a stripper in the clubs in Waikiki and spent the next decade lost in that world that include abuse, name it. Her story of perseverance and courage to this day leaves me breathless. I truly admire her and am proud to have gotten to know her a little bit, at least in the blog sense.

Her story is an inspiration to not only all woman who have overcome issues of abuse, addiction and severely low self image but it has an important message for all of us: Never give up on yourself, you are WORTH the TROUBLE!