Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I was thinking about the title of the previous post: Storm Coming and it reminded me of a song lyric in the U2 song Running To Stand Still, a song about Heroin addiction of a couple living in Dublin. There is a line where Bono sings about the "Storm Blowing Up In Her Eyes"...whew, the lyrics get to me even today.
I've tried shooting dope, Cocaine, synthetic Morphine and yea, heroin but other then getting totally strung out on snorting Coke I never became the classic "drug shooting junkie"...but there isn't much of a difference when you are Jonesing for your next QT (Quarter Ounce) of Coke and your shaking so hard you feel like your body is going to come apart. Except...you looking in the mirror and your not really shaking at all, it's all inside of you....suffice it to say, death at that point seems preferable.
To the best of my knowledge, none of the members of U2 suffered from Heroin Addiction though the bassist Adam Clayton admittedly had a problem with alcohol and quit drinking. So I find it remarkable that BONO was able to pen such lyrics so accurately. And in my experience they are accurate. The lines:
You got to cry without weeping
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
I don't know, I can really relate to how that actually feels because I've been there. An addict going through Withdrawal no longer feels Human. Nothing was real any more except my agony: the pain was real and it was the only thing I could feel at that point. So many junkies punish themselves physically, cutting, etc. for that exact reason: they want to feel something, anything!
Sound crazy?! It is, it's insane and there are a lot of people living the nightmare of addiction today. It breaks my heart, really. Now that I myself, have found a daily reprieve from my addiction I feel so helpless when it comes to practicing addicts because they don't get it (yet).
Anyway, that picture of clouds this afternoon, the post title about a Storm Coming and that song lyric combined to bring thoughts of those still out there using to me. I feel a wave of sadness when I think about those still suffering yet, I know now that anyone can break the cycle, if they choose to do it. It isn't easy but it is POSSIBLE.
Ominous sky now and a less then rosey weather report to go with it so it looks like trouble on the horizon. Whoa...that's a phrase I'm familiar with: trouble on the horizen. The original story of my life really...my middle name was trouble!
Id like to think we moved on a bit from those days but life can still be rough and tumble at times. I just try a to roll with it...
Well time to close I have an appt at noon...be back later!
Monday, April 25, 2011
Have I mentioned that I am rather screwed up when it comes to my idiosyncracies. For instance, I rather hate being late, no matter what the activity is. So I always arrive early for whatever I happen to have to do. At the same time I really am impatient...go figure! So I isist on always arriving early for stuff yet I sit an figet insessantly the whole time I'm waiting. That's just NUTS ! I realize that now but I still haven't changed much though I'm trying.
This is just one of several funky contradictions that make up the messed up though lovable entity they call...ME. I think most humans are like that in one way or another, they feel strongly about 2 opposite things at the same time. Its just one of those things that spices things up in life and keeps one on their toes whether we like iit or not!
Well that just killed 10 minutes so I think I can make it now without going crazy now. I am also thankful I'm a reader because I'll sit and kill an hour in the airport without thinking about it.
OK I supposed everyone out in Blogville is just thrilled to discover all this nonsense...well now 'yab know!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
All my life I remember feeling this very certain way. Yet it wasn't until the Metal Group Metallica came out with their Black Album in the late summer of 1991 did they give words to that feeling with their song:The Unforgiven.
That was it, that captured what I had felt inside for so long. I was the Unforgiven. At times I reveled in that outlaw concept, F**K everyone else on the planet, I didn't care. I pretty much did what I wanted. I felt unloved and unwanted though as well.
I was married for a about 12 years but I never recall feeling loved or cared for. It was a relationship based on obligation, not love. I don't think I was actually capable of loving someone, including myself and for whatever ever reason, she seemed to have her own struggles with love and showing emotion. I just assumed at the time and for quite some time afterward that I was the problem, I was the undesirable, the untouchable one...I won't speak for her, it is her story alone to tell. I didn't understand it then nor do I really get it know but interestingly enough, it doesn't seem to matter much any more so I've just let it go.
I was miserable and never felt like I could do the right thing in life even though in some of the many ways that our society measures success: a big house, several cars, wealth, travel, a good job...I was considered well off by those standards yet on the inside, I didn't feel very successful.
I mentioned in my post this morning: The FALLEN that because of the things that I experienced in life, particularly the sexual assault as a pre-teen left me feeling dirty, out-cast, unlovable and ultimately: Unforgivable. Because I felt responsible for those things happening, therefore I shouldn't and couldn't be forgiven. I had HUGE issues with SHAME and GUILT.
Heavy, heavy sh*t for a 12 year old let me tell you. Hey it's heavy sh*t for the 48 year old that I am now! I could not separate the act, what had actually happened to me that day, from who I was inside. I made some horrible choices at the time leading me to be somewhere I had no business being...that is what I wouldn't, couldn't accept.
I struggled with the notion that I must be homosexual because of what had happened to me, though I never felt even slightly curious in that way before. I know today that I am not a homosexual and that of course had nothing to do with rape, it was the way I was born. But a child can't process that stuff, it was typical of boys that age to call each other gay or a fa*got. And here I found myself thinking that I was. I did not know who or what I was. Most 12 year olds probably don't, it is an age of awkwardness, of hormones. Man, you add this kind of inexplicable, horrific, catastrophic event into the chaotic mix of feelings, emotions and thoughts of a 12 yr old boy and it's frightening.
This dirty little secret festered for years, out of sight but I knew it was there. Every day when I looked in the mirror I saw THAT battered face looking back at me, accusingly! Oh God how I wanted to die. I really did want it all to go away...
I was with a group of people discussing recovery today and we were actually talking about spiritual relationships and how to deal with issues from the past. One gentleman was talking about how, once you identify what the problem is, you just turn it over to the Lord and it's not a problem anymore. And you put it behind you for good. He obviously had never been beaten and raped as a child...
I suppose that works sometimes with issues of guilt, feelings of wrong doing and a multitude of other issues. But the violent flash backs, the deep emotional scars that never go away, the memories and visions of that day often just flood back over me and often completely overwhelm my ability to cope. And this is 37 years after the fact! And I end up feeling all BROKEN inside again.
Even though my life is so much better today. It's filled with joy,the love and affection of family and friends. I still do not feel loved, I have never felt cherished by anyone the way I cherished another at one time. So I am still feeling alienated by an event that took place nearly 4 decades ago!
I am going to stop writing here, at least for awhile. The emotions I feel right now are getting to intense for me. With it being Easter weekend and me being a brand new Christian, I started out this morning thinking about the Crucifixion and I took off on all the parallels between that and being raped, how I felt so Fallen, untouchable in my pain and hurt.
Those thoughts, memories and feelings have been lingering, tempting and mocking me all day. I feel strengthened by my faith but this evening I feel weary. I feel beaten down or down trodden and am not sure I have the strength to resist.
So I'll pause and perhaps post later, perhaps not. I speculated in that earlier post that I suspected this weekend was going to be a struggle, a deeply emotional time and I thinks it's important to go ahead experience it with my eyes and heart wide open. I do believe I need to feel this stuff, to experience these emotions and work through all the intensity.
I just have to trust that I am in the right place tonight...
|From: "The Passion Of The Christ"|
But it was at the age of 12 and after being raped that I turned away from the Church, all of it: the physical Episcopal Church I had attended, my belief in Jesus as my personal Savior...the whole thing. I believe now that I was reacting out of anger and shame. I did not feel CLEAN. I felt dirty because of what happened to me and I felt responsible. I felt like an outcast, abandoned for ever by God and society because of what I let happen to me.
meltin' in a pot of thieves
wild card up my sleeve
slick heart of stone
my sins my own
they belong to me, me
By the time I tried to commit suicide in 2006 I simply hated Thom. I hated everything about me. Lost?! That hardly seems adequate to describe what I really felt like then. It makes me physically sweat just sitting here thinking about that time. I have never before drawn the parallels of my interest in the Crucifixion and my experienced being raped. Never matched the timeline and have just recently realized that I left the church after that had happened.
As I think back on the days when I was so lost, so hurt...to the best of my recollection I still believed there was a God. I think I felt that he didn't believe in me and I figured: "Why would he?!". I was a horrible person, a failure as a human being. the depth of my self-loathing ran SO deep, that web was so complex that it is shocking to me today that I came out of that situation somewhat intact or survived at all.
Today is Good Friday, my first experience going through the Easter weekend as a Christian. I think it is safe to assume that I will probably continue this story. From being Fallen to Saved. My spiritual life is and has been an important element in my day to day recovery from alcoholism/addiction.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
|thormoo at Skiles Tavern|
There have been times in my life when I have gotten a little nudge, a cosmic "bump in the night" as it were and anticipated something that ended up happening in my life. I am not really talking about ESP or predicting the future. No, just those little things that happen to all of us at one time or another. I think some of this is just a result of my being sober and more in tune with myself an the world around me. But it's something I'm starting to notice more and more....
When I was 14 or 15 years old we took a trip to the battlefield at Gettysburg, it would be the first of many trips that I have made to that historic and awe-inspiring place. During that trip I walked a large portion of the 2nd and 3rd days field (it was a 3 day battle). In an area called Devil's Den I walked off the trail a bit and sat down on a rather large boulder (seen below in the original picture)to eat the lunch I packed in my knapsack.
Photos: National Park Service
It was the first time in my life that I had felt such a strong and specific connection to a place. I have that happen a couple times since then. What does it mean? I really don't know except that it was an incredibly powerful experience at the time and it never really left me.
Today, I spend a portion of my day (usually in the morning) meditating. Mostly sitting quietly, first in prayer and then just listening. I have to say that doing those simple things each day has revealed to me the significant power of developing a conscious contact with God or the Creator or whatever you wish to call a higher power you may believe in.
I used to believe, that if I couldn't see it, touch it explain it then it couldn't really exist. All I'm saying today is that my mind and heart have been thrown wide open as far as the possibilities of a spiritual life and contact with God go.
I have made no secret of the fact that one of the things that has helped my recovery from alcoholism is the understanding that I am powerless on my own, over my addiction. I tried for years to change, to slow down, to quit...I could not do it. In almost every other aspect of my life, I am a strong willed person and can do pretty much whatever I set my mind to. Except when it came to my addiction and alcoholism. I simply have NO control over my addiction and behavior once I take the first drink or drug.
A belief in a power greater then myself, for me that is God. My Creator has given me strength that I scarcely would have imagined in my old life. I realize in writing a post like this perhaps raise more questions then have answers. That used to drive me crazy, today I understand that is life.
There simply are things that I don't and will never understand. Today I can live with that but this notion of prayer and meditation as a 2-way street has profoundly affected me lately. I used to think prayer was a one way connection: You pray, God listens. Er, that's not really how it works I've found.
As I mentioned earlier there are some amazing discoveries to be made by just being STILL for awhile. Ive never really done that before...I never just listened to whats inside of me. Well I was definately missing an important part of that prayer/meditation thing by not doing so.
I suppose it would be easier on my brain if I didn't ponder such things and I just lived my life but I can't. I'm not built that way...I don't think any human being is that one dimensional....
As i sit here I have to smile a bit because this is such a departure from my old, closed minded approach to everything. I suppose old dogs can learn a few new tricks!
I have some other thoughts on those nudges we get sometimes so I imagine there will be some follow up posts to this one in the near future...