Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Keeping one's chin up is probably the toughest yet most critical aspect of facing a really difficult challenge...like having a leg amputated.
For a guy who wears his emotions basically on his freaking FOREHEAD and is disposed toward DEPRESSION (My BLACK DOG)in the first place it is extremely important for me to focus on the positive and not let things overwhelm me or get me down.
My strategy for dealing with it is basically part spiritual and part hanging on for dear life...literally CLINGING to life at times.
I have learned that there is no problem too large that GOD can't deal with it. So my job for the most part has been to just get out of the way and LET HIM.
I also rely on an old saying that dates back to an old WWII soldier: General "Vinegar" Joe Stilwell, whois often credited with first saying "Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down (Illegitimum Non Carborundum).
I cannot focus on the negative or those people who are not part of the solution....I won't let them or their opinions affect me or get in the way of my relationship with my CREATOR.
He ultimately keeps the Hell-Hounds away from my backside and gives me the courage, The fearlessness and the ferocity to endure....even the UNENDURABLE.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
I'm feeling really restless this evening. Not necessarily jumpy nor dissatisfied....just kind of lost in time with an extra dose of energy I'd say. It is probably not an unusual way of behaving considering life has been so full of distractions, issues and huge life-changing decisions for me to make. I would guess that it is a reasonable reaction considering the circumstances I am facing as of late.
I have found that my body as well as my mind and spirit adjust to my way of life and living and when that way has been rather chaotic for the most part...it gets difficult to shut it all down when things get calmer or slow their roll a bit. I have noticed that I do tend to be on the alert for the difficult and the unexpected...basically because being blind-sided by life has become the norm around here lately. Bad news and adversity are expected not the other way around.
It is a life style that wears a guy out because I never try and let my guard down....EVER. It's sad because there is no joy in living such a life yet I do look at all of this as a temporary condition based on the circumstances of my health and upcoming medical procedures.
I also find that I do not do as well as I used to with idle time because I have found that I begin to over-think and obsess about having my leg amputated and it scares me. I wonder if I can handle it...I begin to doubt my decision and second-guess myself. This is where my FAITH becomes critical and I rely on GOD exclusively because I have yet to find anything that even comes close to bringing me the serenity, comfort and peace that HE does.
But I am human and I will have doubts. I become fearful and stop trusting HIM...when I do is when the anxiety and FEAR begins to dominate and if left to itself...take over.
I suppose what I am trying to do in this post is to put into words that chaotic, internal restlessness that is kicking my ass daily & preventing me from relaxing or having any kind of normalcy in my day to day life. My hope is that by understanding what is happening to me I may be better able to counter it somehow and become a nicer and more reasonable person to be around. Because right now my INTENSITY dominates everything and I am not easy to live with, I assure you that K-Sue and the rest of my family & friends will verify that. Hell I am getting on my own nerves...those few that are actually left and functioning, hardy-har-har!
So we shall see if sitting down to write about all of this makes a difference. Anyway...have a wonderful night, Y'all!
Photo: Kathy Tomson
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Earlier today I was talking to K-Sue about how stressed I was getting at times. I described myself managing all of our daily chaos (challenges) as feeling like I was constantly keeping a half-dozen or more balls in the air at any one time...much like a juggler. So in addition to being a recovering addict/alcoholic, a frantic husband and a GIMP....now I'm a freaking Chaos Juggler....Hey, It can be pretty cool if you can continually do it well but it really creates it's own kind of tension and pressure as well.
There are times that I have to just stop and howl at myself because this life that I am leading today is so much crazier and out of control then at any other time in my long and very eventful lifetime. And now I'm not even HIGH or DRUNK, HoHoHo! It really is a matter of just surviving each and every day at this point. My quality of life is truly irrelevant at this point because quite frankly there is no QUALITY in this life right now. No...it is just about survival until a better time and a more reasonable place come around.
It truly does feel just like juggling...only there is more, so much more at stake if I drop the proverbial ball(s).
We will continue to toss those suckers up in the air and do our darnedest to keep the flying high above the ground until the time comes when we might trade in all the CHAOS for even a wee bit 'O serenity. Until then....
I just wanted to add in a little prayer moment for one of my Brother C's only son. He had a very traumatic experience today, basically witnessing the unthinkable....it was a true human tragedy and it is a very difficult thing to process and live with. We are thinking about and praying for he and his folks tonight....God Bless you all!
Friday, October 3, 2014
It will be a Wednesday in November at HIGH NOON, that if all goes as planned...I will become a completely different kind of HUMAN BEING. At least physically....
Most readers here at Shell Shock Serenade know how difficult the last couple years have been because of the injury, infection and subsequent deterioration of the ankle and several other bones in my lower right leg. After 5 surgeries, countless multi-MONTH series of oral & IV anti-biotic and several expert opinions/diagnosis that there really was no chance of another operation healing these issues the way it should....I've decided that amputation was the only true chance at getting my life back.
Last week I met Dr Christian Ertl, an Amputee Specialist with Western Michigan University Medical School, I knew I had the doctor that I felt comfortable proceeding with the amputation of my lower right leg, 6" below the knee. His Grandfather, Dr Janos Ertl (1880-1951) created the procedure:The Ertl Reconstruction working with veterans of WWI. I won't even try to explain it or the difference between this procedure and a standard amputation but I feel most comfortable going in this direction.
This brings me back to that Wednesday in November because Wednesday November 19,2014 at 12 noon is when my amputation is scheduled at Bronson Methodist hospital. I will save for another post the details and how I am feeling/coping with momentous decision I've just made. This is how I wanted to announce my plans. More later...
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Yesterday, Friday September 26 I went to a doctors appointment and made a decision that will dramatically change my life forever. Yes my dear friends and readers....I gave Dr Hertl the go ahead to schedule the amputation of my right leg approximately 6" or so below the knee. He must coordinate the procedure with my ankle surgeon to remove the hardware and was going to get back to me with a date. After some thought about it last night, I've decided to call the office Monday and request they schedule it no earlier then late October. I need some time to do some planning, organizing and tying off some loose ends before undergoing this very intense and time consuming process.
Because Kim was job eliminated a couple weeks ago, we no longer have her insurance, leaving me with only Medicare coverage. She can purchase coverage but it is so incredibly expensive that it is not really realistic. We are somewhat mystified by the cost because her old insurance company, Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan informed us that her former company was required to provide Cobra Insurance at no more the 2% above the original cost. They want a 400% increase per month so we need to get some answers Monday morning. Either way, the surgery is not Optional, it has to be done one way or another so we will proceed regardless of what we find out. I am not thrilled about the prospect of going into major debt again but I trust that God has a plan and I need to follow HIM.
This is just one item on my mind of many we must figure out. I want to get the house/yard winterized, leaves done, lawn furniture stored, etc before the snow fly's. My father is currently in the hospital because of an infection so we have that concern as well. It would be nice if Kim get find a full time permanent position instead of the Temp Job she is working now but we are grateful she has work.
As I said, I am not thrilled about racking up tens of thousands of dollars of more medical debt but this amputation/surgery is not a CHOICE, I have to do something because the ankle and surrounding bone is deteriorating and basically falling apart. It feels like the pain increases DAILY and I know it is weakening by the minute so there is no doubt I am ready to move forward.
It is hard to describe how I really feel about this at any given moment because it fluctuates. I will admit that I am fearful...it is a big-time, MAJOR operation lasting nearly 6 hours. Follow that with 5 or so days in the hospital plus two weeks of In-Patient Therapy just for starters and it gets real frightening. It is going to be a tough, long and grueling Rehab but it is the only chance I have of getting a somewhat "normal" life back.
But I have done the research and homework so I am prepared for it. My Surgeon is one of the best in this field in the country and the procedure that he performs to remove the leg bears his last name: The Ertl Reconstruction Procedure. It was created by his Grandfather in WWI working with Combat Amputees from the American Expeditionary Force (AEF). So he comes highly recommended and I feel very comfortable with him.
I also met the Prosthetist I will be working with and feel quite good about him and his company: HANGER as well.
I will post more later about what this all means to me after a bit of time passes and I can get my head around all of it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Then out spoke brave Horatius, the Captain of the Gate:
"To every man upon this earth, death cometh soon or late;
And how can man die better than facing fearful odds,
For the ashes of his fathers, and the temples of his Gods,
One verse from: Horatius by Lord Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)
My dearest daughter Chelsea....this is a blog post written just for you. I'm sure you are wondering: "WTF" because of the Horatius quote above thinking "What in the world does that have to do with me and my father."
The answer is it has little to do with you and everything to do with yuor Dad at this critical juncture in his life. But deep down I suspect you already know that and having known me all your life I also believe that nothing that I would write would throw you for a loop because you truly do "know me" and what makes me...ME.
When one is experiencing a life altering experience to the degree I have been living it the last two years it often leads to many hours of reflection, questioning and thinking about the things that a person cares about the most.
I have been thinking and reflecting a great deal about you, my first born and my little, blue eyed girl.
You have brought me many things in my life Kiddo...a wee bit of it was difficult & trying of course. But mostly you have brought your father joy, much love and my 3 grandchildren of course...who as you are well aware...I adore and cherish, as I do you.
This is a letter of gratitude, thanksgiving and ultimately LOVE. Please know deep in your heart that in the past, in the present and in the future I have and will always LOVE and adore you.
It brings this tired and trampled old SOUL much peace and serenity to know you are there for your Daddy. Your efforts to stay in touch and connected are more appreciated NOW then you will ever know. For me....knowing all of this in my heart is a priceless emotional, psychological and spiritual commodity. It cannot and will not ever be taken for granted or mishandled by me. It is a cherished gift, as all of you are to me, not only during these tough, trying and incredibly difficult days but forevermore.
Thank you, Chels. Please know that Dad loves you more and more each day. God Bless you and your wonderful brood....I very much hope to see you all very soon. Love D
Sunday, September 21, 2014
It is Sunday night and for some reason....Sunday's are particularly difficult, especially the nights. For the last decade of my career at HMI, I oversaw a 3rd shift production operation so I would spend the entire day Sunday just waiting to go to a job that was in fact killing me and that I had come to despise. I can't begin to explain the entire situation but like many corporations at that time, we were downsizing and struggling to come to terms with an economy that was not friendly for the Office Furniture Industry and unbeknownst to us headed toward a catastrophe. The pressure and stress of work during that period of my career was unbearable and destructive to one's well-being and ultimately, self-esteem.
Our plant and Operations in general suffered from not just poor leadership but actually from no leadership at all. It was a fear based situation....plain and simple.Everyone from the top down was just trying to protect their own ass and survive, often at the expense of others. It was a hellish work envirement made worse by the fact that I personally was working ungodly hours, for thankless management and could not ever get any reasonable amount of proper sleep. Ultimately this reality was made more impossible by the fact that I received no real support on the home front. In hindsight it seems obvious now that my absence from home was actually welcomed, even though it was obviously hurting me & beginning to unravel my health and spirit. The truth is though I wasn't aware of it yet...my marriage of some 14 years was over.
I'm not sure why I chose to share that tonight. I really have not spoken much about that time or specific situation...the memory of it all is still so impossibly painful and hard to understand/accept. I guess my strange mood this evening may have something to do with all that is happening in regards to my leg injury and illness from an unknown infection that has been strangling the very spirit and life out of me for nearly two years now. What makes it even more difficult is that even though people act sympathetic and care...after all this time I think they are sick of hearing about it and just want it and me to go away from them if I can't seem to get any better. That is my perception anyway...
Coping and living with long term illness and pain is a lonely business. Ultimately it is just you in the end who must fight their way through the adversity. I know I'm struggling more at this point in time because I have an appointment coming on Friday morning with a brand new surgeon and I am seemingly starting all over again with all the hassle, frustration and ass-load of testing/questions and insensitive opinions that go along with beginning the medical process again with someone new. All of this has been complicated further by the fact that a week ago tomorrow, my wife Kim had her job and the shift she worked on eliminated do to consolidation/downsizing.
She has actually bounced back nicely and has a good position with great permanent job potential through a temp service. What really troubles me is that through all of these major medical changes, she has always been right there by my side, supporting me and more importantly being a critical consultant when I am faced with hard choices to make. I am facing the amputation of my right leg so naturally I am going to face some tough decisions and hard choices. Because she is working a new job there is no way she can take the time off work to ride to Kalamazoo with me to that appointment. It feels like I am going into battle without ammo for my rifle....I feel vulnerable.
Others had offered to accompany me but I don't really want anyone else to go on this trip, they are useless as far as the decision making process is concerned. I appreciate the thought and offer but this is a place for K-Sue, especially in our situation where we trust and completely understand one another fully. She is really bothered by this and wants to just take the time off but it would be employment suicide after less then a full week with the company.
The only thing that has sustained me through this terrible ordeal is being able to level with her about how I am feeling an what I am thinking. I have tried this with others I trust and whose judgement I value only to find that through no fault of their own, they can't really understand and often misinterpret my meaning leading to a misunderstanding. I had it happen today actually and then I just get distracted and feel bad about those things when in reality I really need to be working toward a resolution and focusing on the task at hand.
So this is one battle I will have face alone...just me and God. Frankly there has been some much adversity and trials by fire lately that it is difficult at times to see God's hand in all of this. But I understand that I must trust and move toward the chaos...for there is no turning back now. Ultimately all of this is his will so I have to persevere. And so that is just what I intend to do...
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I know I am going to start losing some of the few readers we have here on SSS if I continue to write less then positive, happy blog posts but unfortunately this blog is about the daily life of a single person who just happens to be ME. And that certain person without a doubt has been facing an inordinate amount of big-time adversity as of late. And yesterday there was more adversity piled on top of what was already there.
My wife Kim had her shift at work and the job that went along with it eliminated yesterday after the parent company was sold to another owner. She is now without a job and I am left without the additional insurance that job provided that was going to help immensely in off-setting the costs of my right leg amputation and subsequent prosthetic expenses. I still have medicare but that covers only part of the huge medical bills that have come with my now nearly 2 year long broken leg/ankle and infection ordeal with it's half a dozen operations and nearly a months worth of hospital time.
Obviously it was a blow but in this day and age the job elimination was not wholly unexpected...there were signs. Especially noticeable to me who spent nearly thirty years working in manufacturing in a large factory in Zeeland, MI making Office Furniture. The last third of that in management, so it was obvious to me that changes were potentially on the horizon. And sure enough...the hunch was correct.
Oh well, here we go again. Kim already has a temp job lined up for 7a tomorrow morning. It is a 4 week assignment but it keeps the money flowing in as we plan out the strategy for the future. We honestly believe GOD has a plan for all this but in all honesty if would be tough to take much more pain and adversity...The truth of the matter is that we have really gotten our arses kicked around here the last 22 months or so. We've been ruined financially and have been pushed, shoved and beaten to the very farthest edge of human endurance. We can only trust God and we will....we have no trust for people, governments with all of their lies and false pretenses.
I only wish I was young and fit enough to join the military, it would be a hi-light of my life and a huge honor...as it is, that is most certainly one of my life's major regrets....that I never served my country in uniform. I was scheduled to be sworn in to the Army and ship out in the Spring of 1984 (right after my daughter Chelsea was born) but I ended up interviewing for and taking a job in West Michigan and moved there on short notice from Columbus, Ohio, where I had grown up. I know now that it was the best choice for me at the time with a young family but I've had regrets about it ever since. Today I would gladly sacrifice my very life for my county. I believe it would be more then a fair trade to offer an old man up in place of a young person who has their whole life still ahead of them. I would do it in a heartbeat, even with my disabilities and pain if they only would take me and find a way to put me to use.
Alas...it isn't to be...so we put one foot in front of the other and take life One Day At A Time. Both K and I take great comfort from Scripture...today it 'tis 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 that really hit's so very close to home...God Bless Y'all.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
On Monday September the 8th I woke up knowing that this was the day I had been looking toward as the final decision day concerning my lower right leg. I had spent the previous 7 weeks trying to enjoy the remainder of the summer and decide if I should proceed with an amputation or have another lengthy and painful fusion surgery. It was an agreement I made with my physician, Dr G------ during the last appointment I had w/him. It should have been a simple matter of deciding and setting a date/time for whatever surgery I chose.
As is typical with this 2 year long nightmare, it ended up becoming a huge, confusing mess of misleading promises and poor communication on the doctor's side. So as I sit and type this out today I am no longer going to that surgeon...after agreeing to do the amputation...he decided that he did not feel comfortable doing it. It felt like a betrayal. I have an appointment with another surgeon in the Kalamazoo area, this time at Western Michigan University Hospital on Friday September 26 at 9:45am. Unfortunately my worst nightmare concerning the preparation for this procedure has taken place: I am starting over from scratch.
I have no idea except the old Doctor's word, which has proven worthless to me to go by that this is an appointment to move forward on amputation yet the different nurses and staff involved continuously refer to this as a "second opinion" and an appointment to discuss alternatives to lessening my great pain and discomfort. I am not even sure that this new surgeon will even do an amputation, though that is his specialty. I am quite heartbroken and the discouragement is so great that I do not want to continue on having to forge another relationship or start again with a multitude of tests, etc.
I realize that this must be God's will but I am weary and honestly do not know how much more I can endure without losing my mind.
That is where I am at the moment with this. I will continue to post updates but nearly a week has gone by with out my commenting on the decision I made and since many friends and family members were thinking about and praying for me...I felt compelled to communicate what the situation was at the moment. Thank you my friends for your love and continuous thoughts and prayers.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
The day was pleasant and it had been awhile since we had a really nice one around here. I was fully enjoying the opportunity to get outside and feel alive again...Suddenly, a strong line of Thunder-Storms followed by heavy rain showers moved in and washed away the once, nice and enjoyable day. Much like a rain front moving through...Depression can descend suddenly...often appearing from nowhere turning a bright, sun-shiny "emotional" day into a cool, wet and grey one reminiscent of today's weather.
I have been experiencing these type of sudden downturns in my mood more frequently in recent days. Certainly this is understandable since I am planning on having my right leg amputated as soon as practical after my doctor's appointment Monday morning. Still this is not a typical pattern for me and these "lows" are dangerously low at times. Despondent isn't too strong of a word in describing them.
In a way I was prepared for this and my faith has been more then adequate in combating these sudden swings for the the most part. But still they suck, he he he. All one can do is hold on and hang tough cause they too shall pass....and they always have.
Quite frankly I would be more concerned if I felt nothing at all out of the ordinary with all of this happening soon, basically just over the horizon.
The key here for me is simple:
Do not isolate, stay connected with the people who care about me and keep communicating well how I am feeling and what I am thinking, especially with Kimmi. I can visit some pretty darn dark places in my head so I just have to be sure I don't settle down and reside there for any length of time.
Again...it is my connection to the Lord that keeps me moving forward and focusing on the things that are important. If I stay connected with HIM everything else seems to fall into place and I can proceed through this adversity and focus on those I love and what is important. One Day At A Time!