Sitting in the therapy office... required because I have chosen to get off Methadone pain therapy after 14 yrs. I have not had a drink since June 6th night 2006 sober for almost 12 years . So needless to say this is strange, unusual and perhaps even unprecedented. It is a very long story longet than I want to work out today in this particular blog post. I've been off of methadone for almost 3 weeks. Thanks to a friend I transferred to another narcotic pain medication for a week to make the transition to Suboxone doable. I have been on the Suboxone over a week and to put it nicely it is a living hell. For those who are informed, Suboxone is an opiate narcotic that does not relieve pain and does not allow one to take other pain medications without getting deathly ill. There was a very legitimate reason that I was on pain therapy: neuropathy, 6 ruptured and cracked disks/vertebra in my back.... a right below the knee amputation.. needless to say even breathing hurts. Such is reality...I often wonder why I've chosen to do this but frankly I'm sick of being on any kind of medication. Seriously I'd rather be dead. The methadone worked very well, I have had a nice life where I could do physical things, take care of my responsibilities. I'm frightened because I'm afraid without some sort of treatment I will be confined to a wheelchair or at least I SHOULD be but I'm not sure I'll let that happen, there are other options. Hope you all have a nice day...
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
In the years before I was injured then battled a subsequent blood/bone infection that resulted in the loss of my right leg below the knee (BKA- Below Thew Knee Amputation) I had gotten into the habit of writing daily here on Shell Shock Serenade. Eventually the shear landslide of surgeries (34), hospitalizations (153 days) and fighting for my life took all the energy that I had and I stopped writing...cold. I really miss it but cannot seem to get my writing groove back and so this blog continues to sit idle....and this makes me feel quite sad.
I truly found it helpful to relay the events of my life as a way of helping others who were dealing with substance abuse or had to find a way to live with the tragic chaos of sexual assault or sexual molestation as I have for the last 43 years. Doing so was also critical to helping me stay sober...One day at a time and deal with the after effects of that extremely violent sexual assault as a boy (PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The entire trajectory of my life was altered in one 5 minute period of time.
I have made attempts in the past to write again and found it difficult to remain focused and quickly lost interest. But I really want to find a way to write regularly so here I'm going try it again.
I am not the same person I was before the accident and recovery. I've had the proverbial shit kicked out of me every way possible: physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.I no longer trust any one or any thing....I have no spiritual belief left. Honestly I am not sure I truly believe in ANYTHING anymore. Life is to survive, to endure to SUFFER...
I have little use for anyone who hasn't suffered because in my mind they haven't truly lived and I just cannot relate.I know it sounds callused but such is the end result of my experience.
I'm am not the biggest fan of the painter Pablo Picasso but since I was a very small boy I was pulled toward works from his "BLUE Period" such as those above. The color and distortion mirrors my own emotion well.
None of this means that my life such as it is is a failure or that I am unhappy or dissatisfied all the time I just identify with visible TRUTHS and don't trust Faith or people who have all the answers.
More on these thoughts later...
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Occasionally I'll find myself caught completely unaware by something that just takes my breath away by how relevant or meaningful I find it to be. A fairly recent example is the concept of a life experience leaving a permanent scar on a person's soul...It is an idea that has really been haunting me, kind of burning a hole in my brain. I truly believe that what we live through, experience or even endure leave a permanent mark on us....a life-long "Soul Scar" as it were. I undoubtedly am a rather prime example of one who has begun a collection of these life changing experiences...my obsession with this has now become a bastardized form of souvenir hunting for these cosmic scars in a way...I've been collecting them in my own way, nurturing and cultivating them. Sounds sadistic but the SCARS as they were are not always a result of a negative experience....
The title of this post is not of my own creation....it is a lyric from a Goo Goo Dolls song called NAME....one of my favorites.
It was probably in late 1990 or early 1991 and we were headed to NJJ to visit my Ex's fam and friends outside of NYC. We left Holland at 3a and headed through Canada re-entering the States in Buffalo NY. We had a local station on the radio and they were interviewing some band from the area that I had never heard of before. I wasn't paying much attention until the guitarist/Lead singer Johnny Reznik said something that caught my attention and made me literally laugh out load in reference to their home town...Buffalo, NY. When asked about growing up there he said "Buffalo is just a great place to live....but I'd never want to visit". At that moment began my life-long love affair with the GOO's and a real appreciation for their music.
So much so I want to share it w/ all of you.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
People, the election is over and I suspect the sun will continue to rise and life will continue to go on. Living these days is difficult enough without us making it even MORE difficult for ourselves by spreading rumors and outright LIES through Social Media. I am seeing an awful lot of the Fake News articles that the true news outlets are beginning to report on being forwarded on FB, Twitter and on the Internet in general...honestly it makes the sender look hateful, foolish and ignorant for not verifying the source. It continues to happen on both sides of the political aisle but because of the outcome of the Presidential Election, the anti-Trump stuff is the most prolific right now. This fake news issue is very real and totally legit...even Mark Zuckerberg at FaceBook is now finally reacting to it after being forced to deal with this issue. I know I am pissing in the wind when I ask but PLEASE....just DON'T PRESS SEND until you VERIFY what you are sending.
The fear and concern that is rising in the country is undoubtedly being encouraged because people are acting like sheep and they tend to accept and believe most everything they read or are told and don't bother to check it's validity.
I fear this is promoting even more hate, intolerance and unjust treatment of people who simply disagree with one another. In my nearly 55 years on the planet I have never witnessed a time where people treated fellow human beings so poorly. And I am not singling out anyone...we are ALL guilty of this. It does not matter what side you are on it is an epidemic and through the power of global communication it can and WILL continue to get worse UNLESS the people themselves simply stop...and think for themselves. Perhaps only then some unconditional LOVE may find it's way in and begin to turn things around.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Well here I go again. I am going to try one more time to break through the writers block that has prevented me from writing regularly here on SSS.
Needless to say I have changed a great deal since I created this Blog back in 2009 to document the daily life of a person (me) who was living a life of daily recovery from addiction/alcoholism. My life has changed and I am now a BTK Amputee of my right leg.
I will still try and document the daily joys and yea...trials and tribulations of recovery from a life threatening injury plus illness that is now well into it's 4th year.
So welcome to my nightmare folks...hold on, it can be a hell of a ride!
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
|Painting by CORNO|
A Naked & Leg-Less F-ing Blogger, that's what I am....I'm not sure why I just admitted that to the world except one: it's the truth and two: the reason I am sitting here legless and naked is I am frustrated. Why am I frustrated...well a full year and 9 months after my right leg amputation we just cannot get my prosthetic squared away. I had to rip the leg off before I could get to the shower because it was tearing into the skin on my stump.
Trust me having a leg too short or long, causing major discomfort or nearly falling off (happened again just this afternoon while I was doing yard work) can make one miserable no matter how much you try and stay positive...
This whole 3.5 year leg ordeal has nearly killed me a couple of times, frustrated the hell out of me, caused me a lot of pain and devastated us financially...that is the simple truth. Yet one must find a way to press on. Long ago I decided that I was going to find a way to release the negative crap about this and move forward. Yea I admit, my nature is to question, to figure out the reason why. This one stumps me. I'll never know why my life took this fork to the underworld but screw it...I refuse to let it destroy me.
Painting by Corno http://cornostudio.com/
Friday, May 13, 2016
Some days life just moves along and it is what it is...interesting or exciting, fun maybe intense, sometimes stressful... etc. And after nearly 54 of life and living, often on the very edge of flaming out, I have learned that things rarely stay the same. Suffer through a bad stretch...no worries...the sun will rise and tomorrow is another day. So I have always acted accordingly....and mostly don't stress the small stuff. When one of life's major crisis's comes along I always seem to go auto pilot and do what I have to do. If there is a suddenly a tragedy or major crisis...I seem to just be at my best.
I am not bragging...trust me it is probably that I have a great deal of experience dealing with such events: Losing my 3 closest friends and my very first "real"love (and girlfriend Debbie) in the very same auto accident. Compounding the shock and heartbreak was the fact that I had committed to going with them and backed out at the last minute with a lie....a made up excuse because I felt like I shouldn't go. Did that feeling save my life...perhaps, except I was abstaining from drugs and alcohol at the time and I was not the type to let a drunk person drive when I was sober. So I've always felt like my decision to back out and accompanying lie killed them and the innocent WWII veteran that also died when they crossed the center line of two lane Hard Rd (in Columbus, Ohio) and all four died. I carried that guilt around for decades....until I sought therapy for being sexually assaulted at the age of 12 and the story came out one day while talking to my therapist, who was treating me for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
So I have been through a lot and usually manage to stay positive, creative, thoughtful, active and a lover of life....except that now I am struggling to do so. The last three years of surgeries (31 full blown operations), hospital stays (over 70 days), life threatening Infections that seemingly were immune to treatment, my normal terminal pain (a result of a severe auto accident at age 17) and finally the amputation in December 2014 of my right leg below the knee have taken away everything but the last shred of....HOPE.
Those medical issues led directly to financial ruin and ultimately all of this has moved me from a realistic yet positive leaning, a believer in God (or call it a Higher Power in the earlier days) to a realist who sees and thinks and feels intensely about the never ending darkness his life has now entered.
As a teenager and young man I never trusted anyone, having been terribly hurt by certain experiences. But as I endured and learned and persevered....I continued to live... because I would not give in to the Darkness. I then slowly began to trust, to forgive and ultimately to truly love people for the very first time in my life. It was an epiphany and it changed me forever...I was so grateful for that change too because I had seen so many people struggle and give up...to addictions, to suicide, Insanity or they just went away in their minds...lost in fear, hate, mistrust or anger. I knew I didn't want to experience that again and felt free from those feelings for the first time in my life.
But now....I find myself drifting back...I talk it out, I'll share my feelings,I am honest and try to work through difficult times but I only find myself NUMB. But these last four years have been one long, un-ending NIGHTMARE. The physical pain is unbearable and treatments now are no longer effective. Even when I have done the right thing...tragedy prevails.
I am feeling my soul slip away...at first in tiny increments but now I go numb and realize later that I am shutting down emotionally, psychologically, spiritually as my physical body is beaten down by illness, injury and the subsequent treatment for those injuries/illnesses. I am beginning to stop caring.
Then a couple weeks ago a friend I have know since first grade or so takes his own life and that stark truth devastates me.I am one of those strange souls who can accept and understand his own suicide but never will "get" the suicide of others. I was very ill at the time and did not learn of it until several days later. My first thought was what if he tried to reach me, to talk, to vent...anything and I was unavailable because of my health. I would never been able to forgive myself. Turns out he did not try to reach ANYONE but his passing added another brick to my emotional tomb.
When I feel down...hard, unforgivable and lost I tend to find music that expresses these things. I lose myself in it and have often come out the other side feeling better for it. Here are two songs the I am lost in right now.
I Know people don't like to hear hard truths sometimes...it is easier to navigate life putting on a happy face. Sorry....not my style and quite frankly, finding a method to express this chaos inside is often the very thing that saves me. I am hoping for that result once again because the nightmares have returned and now I actually seem to be living them. Life has a hard, brutal side to it...and right now within me....it is winning.