A Little one...

I went to the doc today and basically we focused in on treating the high BP with the idea that some of the rest of the stuff my fall back into place if we can get that stabilized. This is a strategy I have been advocating yet to no avail. That of course is frustrating when your own physician ignores you.


He changed all of my related medication with this new focus in mind so we will see how it goes. I know that I feel good about it and want to see how this will turn out.


I just have a deep suspicion that the BP is the root cause of the issues...of course you never really know when there are so many potential alternatives there are. Now the focus this week is making that medication change work, support Kim's job search and get the darned furnace replaced on Wednesday.

The Reasonable (though NOT Popular CHOICE)

Have I ever mentioned that I can be a little bit stubborn at times? Well...it is true, I most certainly CAN be difficult when my mind is set on something. Today...I chose to not attend church because of my health and it just drives me crazy. One of the  biggest challenges for me has been the "self-denial", choosing what is really best for me health wise by making decisions like this to stay home where it's safe and rest. I have NEVER been good at doing the right thing in such matters. My natural inclination is to just push forward and do what I wish, Me, Me, Me, I always come first and get what I want...and the heck with the consequences...But historically, the consequences ALWAYS win. And then I suffer and whine like I am the victim of some terrible injustice when in reality, I did it to myself...AGAIN.


I know it doesn't sound like much of a decision for me to stay home but for me it's huge because it does represent this self-denial for what is right...and I do not like giving in. The last 3 weeks I've chosen to go to church each week and be forced to leave under very unpleasant circumstances...which was awful. Today I was able to see the writing on the wall and in hindsight I have not felt well the rest of the day. And I was able to rest even though I am still feeling quite ill this afternoon. 


For the first time in a while we had friends stop by after church for breakfast (pancakes/sausage, coffee and juice) and just having company for a little over an hour. It was awesome to visit, I have such great friends but their short visit absolutely sucked the life right out of me. I enjoyed it but that was all I could physically do.


These are hard and difficult realities for me to face & accept. And perhaps that is the greater purpose behind why this is happening. Sound ridiculous? Perhaps it does but I do believe that things seem to happen in my life for a greater purpose...things that are often hard or even impossible for me to comprehend. Yet in the end it turns out that those hardship experiences end up serving me well later on. 


I do have faith...and yes FAITH is a new and often mysterious concept and/or reality for me to get my arms around and accept but I am getting there...I do in fact..believe. I believe the LORD is with me even under really crappy, mysterious circumstances like these...even when I want to tell him he is full of crap and he needs to FIX me...now! Nothing happens and the intense weight of that realization that I am truly POWERLESS over this situation settles in over me and my world. It's oppressive and self-defeating IF I do not keep my eyes (my focus) squarely on the CREATOR at all times.


So One soldiers on, as I must...though I admit to no understanding of the bigger picture here, I do know one thing with the utmost certainty: I must continue ON. I must FOLLOW my LORD because what ever awaits me in the future, I know HE must lead me there because I have lived the alternative life and it was nothing short of catastrophe. And I have had ENOUGH of CATASTROPHE for one lifetime my friends, trust me on that!


(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

The LIMIT...

I actually did something I have not done in awhile...I went grocery shopping this evening. Typically I always do my own shopping and I always have. But I have not been physically capable of doing it on my own for some time. Now Kim still went with me and we went tooling around afterwards. A trip that should have taken us an hour tops just came to an end 20 minutes ago after over 3 hours of goofing around. It was good fun...


My guess would be that I have gotten a total of 3 to 3.5 hours of sleep this pat 24 hours in little 10 to 25 to 45 minute chunks of time...It is the best I have felt in a very long time.


I am going to try and go to church but the last three weeks I have not made it through the service. If I do not feel prepared to stay the whole service...I am not going to go. The last couple of days have proven one thing and that is that a little rest will go a long way. I just have to stay positive and keep getting sleep where I can.


We have a couple coming over for breakfast after church so that should be cool. It's almost like I'm having a real life for a change...I think I'll keep it!       

My POSSE...

For those of you who don't know me, Saturday mornings at 9a are my favorite moments of the whole entire week! Why, you may ask....Because I have a POSSE of ladies and I get to hang out with them on Saturdays, that's why!

Confused? OK I'll elaborate...I go and read the Bible each Saturday at 9p at a local Nursing Home (Residential Living Center, actually) all of my listeners each week are ladies. Usually around 6-8 of them....and the really cool thing about them is three of the regulars are 100 years old or older! Another 2-3 are in their late 90's...

This is simply the most enjoyable and rewarding thing that I have EVER done...it's incredible what occurs when we get together and hear the WORD of GOD read out loud. I literally seem to levitate at times while I read...it's such an intense experience.

It was this volunteer experience that has lead to the Bible Reading, actually we call it the Listening Ministry that we have today going to shut-ins and on Tuesday nights at our church. It just has taken off on it's own...

We have a snowy morning here in southern lower Michigan and I am not sure what the forecast is for today so I need to head out a wee bit earlier so I'll sign off for now. Have a wonderful Saturday morning.

(Photo: K. Tomson)

BRAVO To These BOYS!

I think it pretty much goes with out saying that the individuals who make up SEAL Teams are absolutely top notch, high wire, super intense, super organized individuals who are trained to improvise anytime-any-where to achieve their mission, no matter how impossible it may be. Impressive and yea it's frightening what human beings are capable of. To anyone interested in exactly how much a human being can endure, I recommend reading Lone Survivor by Marcus Luttrell. This young man's story speaks for itself...


I have no doubt that we live in a world today that absolute demands the existence of these teams of professionals. I happen to know two individuals who are or were Navy Seals. One is here in Coldwater and he is medically retired from injuries. He is an alcoholic/addict and has really struggled since being out of the service. I actually have not seen nor heard from him in at least 6 months or so. His story is not typical of SEALS yet it's not totally unheard of either. I pray for this fellow every day because he carries some serious baggage around with him that he can't seem to work through...



The other is a son of an old friend of mine. I don't really know him that well but he seems to fit the stereo-type. A super intelligent, honor-student, Annapolis Grad...just super motivated go-getter type fellow.

There is a new movie coming out next month, Act Of Valor that uses real, active duty SEALS as the main characters in the film. They also film a majority of the firefight scenes using LIVE FIRE...that's right, real bullets. Check out the movie's web site and look at some of the trailers...it really looks good. I really believe as time goes on, wars are going to be fought more covertly, on a smaller scale and will involve the usage of our countries Special Forces Troops more and more frequently. This can be an equally scary and reassuring proposition all at the same time...

Hanging Around

I have received several very heartfelt and in some instances very concerned private messages about the last couple of posts here on the SHOCK. Let me assure everyone that I am doing well...yes, it's been a rough patch but things are moving along. 


I needed to EMO-V (VENT...emotionally vomit, I call it) to purge that stuff from my system and then focus on growing, changing and enduring whatever continues to come flying my way. The only thing that I know for certain is that there will continue to be adversity...that never changes in life.


But I am on very good terms with GOD though I may have inadvertently implied differently. My point in mentioning that was that I do, even today have moments of questioning and doubt, I just do and that in my mind is part of being human...and I am not ashamed to admit that is the case.  But I pray and will persevere....I have experienced worse times.... much worse and these times will pass just like those experiences did. 


The furnace will not be replaced until Wednesday of next week so I am not happy about that but hey...what can I do? I don't happen to have a furnace in my back pocket!


Well I just wanted to reassure all that I am well and things are fine....we'll just keep hanging in there.


(Photo Kathy Tomson)

Time is NOW

I suppose for clarity's sake I need to get back on here and assure everyone that I do NOT have a DEATH WISH...NO, I actually have a LIFE WISH and want to know when if ever will I get to have a life again. I want to LIVE... please GOD can I live?! Pushing the limits to basic sanity is NOT my idea of fun or entertainment. I am completely out of energy for fun and games...let's solve this problem so I can live. Unless my fate is to SUFFER then leave me as I am because I am SUFFERING in every sense of the word...suffer.

Not sure what else to say or do...typically I focus on myself and changing the things about myself that I can. The time then HAS ARRIVED...

FORSAKEN, Forgotten Fried Remnant of a HUMAN BEING

`

OK and HEY...before I even start this puppy I'm going to apologize...basically because I am pissed, annoyed and sure to provoke or offend....probably (D) All of the ABOVE....


 Yes I am still living the zombie style life of the sleep deprived half-human I have morphed into and there seems to be no answer anywhere in sight, on the horizon or in the freaking UNIVERSE for that matter. I am STUCK with this crappy, sleepless existence and I can only wonder what type of spiritual FRANKENSTEIN type experiment GOD has going with me....


Truly and honestly I am a WILLING servant...I will FOLLOW and am glad to serve. But I have to say I am feeling ABUSED. And I am a person who NEVER throws that particular word around frivolously....EVER, for any reason at all!


Forsaken...er, YEA! Just a bit, don't you think....wouldn't you?!


OH Wait, that's right...you readers don't know the rest of the story. Like my doc cancelled my FRIDAY morning appointment...AGAIN! I think the cosmic powers of evil have conspired to prevent me from EVER seeing another doctor again...no I'll just die here on the VINE, don't mind me.


Found out this afternoon as well that the furnace is HISTORY and must be replaced. Let's just say because some individuals are not facing FACTS or being realistic I am going to be home SICK as I am, With no HEAT for the entire weekend...possibly until mid next WEEK!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!


So HIGH Fever, screwed up bladder, HIGH BP, morbid...scary thoughts of me own doom and demise....Terrible, vicious pain in my lower back, left hip...have not slept more then 2 total hours in a day for nearly 7 weeks. My entire body ITCHES, I could tear all my skin off and I do not think I'd find relief.


I am calling out LORD, I'm on my last legs...knees in reality and I got nowhere else to go...I've been asking...pleading...BEGGING for mercy YET only SILENCE...the SOUND of despair.


Do you have a clue, perhaps? Because I do not have the slightest...foggiest ...hair of an idea what I am supposed to do here. Enduring for the sake of just hanging on is losing it's allure and I am weakening...I am caving in to the pressure. HELP ME

A RARE Realization

I couldn't begin to describe to you what other people feel like as they go through their day to day lives. I honestly used to assume that everyone felt as detached and alienated as I did...that was "normal" for me and I took it for granted that all people (at least adults in our American society) felt just the same way.

I see and understand now that couldn't have been farther from the truth, naive and frankly just plain misguided on my part to even assume such a thing. I now know that I am certainly an exception to the rule...not the torch bearer of it....

Because of my past and the various treatment experience's I have had for...alcoholism/addiction, suicide attempt, mental health issues, rape...I now realize that though I am not necessarily he "norm" for somebody my age...I am also NOT really the total outcast and oddity that I thought I was before. I had real honest to goodness reasons for feeling so MESSED UP inside. These realizations were BIG for me...I mean super big because I didn't have to feel like I had to hide who I was and you dear reader can tell that I am pretty comfortable in my own skin. That is huge and let's face it...RARE. I never really felt that way before.

That is just one example of how I am different today then I used to be. These changes came with recovery, they were the result of staying the course one day at a time and working hard at changing my negative behavior.

Often that is how it's been with me...the changes for the better come gradually, over time. Things just get a little better each day until one day I realize that EVERYTHING has changed! That is a cool feeling...

(Photo: Kathy Tomson)                                                              

Me and The BOY...Skipping Stones Down @ Holy Water Creek

I miss my kids. I really do and it can really bother me sometimes. I think most readers here at the SHOCK know that I am a father of 2 grown children. My daughter Chelsea is 28, married w/2 young boys living in Greenville, SC. My son Ian is 26, engaged and still lives in the town where he was born and (mostly) raised...Holland, MI.


I see them once in a while and talk fairly frequently via phone or communicate using social networking technology tools.  But when I lament that I miss my kids...it is literally the years they WERE kids that I am talking about. I know it is a well worn cliche folks but it is NO joke or laughing matter...that time when you are raising your children goes faster then the speed of light. Before you know it...their childhood is over!


My memory of both my children can be looked at by me in a condensed form that truthfully goes something EXACTLY like this: I remember quite well their mum carrying them both to full term (Chelsea nearly 2 full weeks AFTER)...going into the hospital and watching them being born. 


Then things pick up the pace....diapers, real food, walking, big boy/girl pants, school, puberty, boys/girls, teenage angst, driving, graduation, college and then POOF, they were GONE! 


I want those days BACK...dang-it. And I am totally sincere when I remind friends who are parents of young children today...CHERISH every second of this. With digital cameras and movies there is simply NO reason to NOT document EVERY move they make. We did a fairly good job with film/paper print pictures and video...but man, what you can  do today with smart phone cameras and such...there  is no excuse for not documenting their lives.   


I want to skip stones with Ian and chase little Chelsea around the playground again threatening to tickle her FOREVER. I can hear her squeals and Ian's peels of laughter as I play "DADDY MONSTER" and wrestle with them on the floor, trying to tickle them both into submission. I want to read "Frederick" to them both just one more time doing my best Winston Churchill imitation voice...

I chuckle as I look at the picture at the top of this post, taken in 1989 (I believe). That is yours truly on the far right and my two little angels right in the front, center of the picture. A classic photo of us all here at the lake cottage (before this house I'm sitting in now was built). It's a great pic and an even sweeter memory.


But I do...I miss 'em and I think about those days all the time. Don't get me wrong...I love both of my kids every bit as much today as I did then...in a way even more. They are wonderful human beings and great adults. But once those little kids are gone...well it's forever so don't forget it!