I don't mind going to through therapy but I'm always emotionally wrung out for days afterward.
I've been having vicious dreams and flashbacks everyday _night... everything from the sexual assault with the perpatrtors wearing clown masks to the dreams I had as a youth of being buried alive in a trench with corpses and rats on the Somme during the Great War. I just want to stop fighting..5 yrs of surgeries, doctors appts, little or no sleep takesits toll. Add to the fact that Kim and I alone are the only ones taking responsibility to caste for my aging parents id becoming more difficult anf time consuming each day. Just the daily care of their house and yard is hard enough. My physical limitations are starting to to affect my ability ti function. With no pain therapy now I'm travelling a full circle back to being a total wheel chair bound cripple. I'm not a happy fellow...
I never paid much attention PTSD until a caring therapist made it clear that it was primarily responsible for most of the dreams emotional physical Agony I was feeling. Not the person I want to be it's just hard to go to each day so much pain and the loss of Mobility is a real psychological mind fucker for me.
I can't even do the things that you to do for pleasure anymore. I haven't swung a golf club in almost a year because I tore my left bicep catching my 6-foot 4 230 lb father when he was falling out of his walker.
Hope isn't something I've felt much of late and I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist will help me find ways to deal with the pain without medication creating order, direction, goals iand order in my life. Otherwise I'd just end it all.
At 55 I'm just worn out....I've probably lived a full active life anf i feel likr nsomeone in their mid 80s.jI know I can't go on like forever.
I'm up in Kalamazoo and it is now the next day I am getting my prosthetic worked on. I feel just likd quitting nit that's typically not my way. I had another lousy night full of violent combat dreams shell craters British accents and German being spoken. Thede dreams were followed by reliving thr rape like so many9 . morings... which I loved I now hate.
I thought I had an 8:30 appointment here in Kalamazoo it turns out and or did in correctly in my calendar on my phone and its at 9:30 so now I sit here feeling like shit I really just want to leave but I can't cuz I need my leg. I don't know if I'll ever get used to not having my leg.