MISERY, HURT, PAIN....How Was Your Day...My DEAR?!

DISCLAIMER: I am an angry human being tonight. I am severely injured and sick and I feel a real need to vent. If you are faint of heart or the type who thinks life is all cotton candy and Praise The Lord....well this ain't your cup of TEA. You've been WARNED!

After reading the post title and you just might get the idea that perhaps me life has seen better days? I would say that is an accurate assessment (UNDERSTATEMENT). 

Honestly I have two doctors who are literally pushing me back and forth...off one another then onto to third party doctors because they simply do not want to accept their own responsibility in what has happened to me and my health. I have never felt less significant, less then human like a slug...a freaking animal then I do at this moment right now. I couldn't hate myself and my life more.....


Never in 50 years have I been treated this way. Anyone who has simply gotten a glimpse of my right ankle winces and turns away  Just from looking at the damn thing....OH, Right Dr Mayer and Dr Whitaker...I am a piece of worthless CRAP and my pain doesn't count.....forgive, I forgot my place!

The fact that I cannot walk without a walker is insignificant....or put any pressure on that right leg without wanting to SCREAM. This is why eternal sleep can sometimes seem like a better alternative to their so-called "treatment by pretending it doesn't exist!!". 

Now everywhere I go I am damaged goods and no one will so much as look at me.. Suicide....yea, I'll cop to thinking about it....for first time in 7 years the thought has crossed my mind. I am supposed to be moving in a positive direction in this stage of my life

God? AWOL as far as I can see (and who would blame Him) and I actually figure he is probably behind all of this anyway. I was a shit for a large portion of my life...I am paying for it now. People offer to help me then back off with the Christian "blow-off": "We will be praying for you and available whenever you need help....Blah, Blah, Blah" yet I have not seen 'ya around, PARD. Too busy being Super-Christian I suppose....You play the role so well.


OK...Enough...until next time....GOODBYE!

Without A Clue

Day # ??....., Hmmm...I haven't a clue how many days this illness/infection has been going on. All I know is that it continues and I have to face the fact that a doctor I had a great deal of trust in has really betrayed my trust and I feel more then just ignored and let down.

 I feel de-humanized by his refusal to even hear the facts or see the swollen ankle which honestly was all I was asking for was for him to look at it to determine if it looked like infection or a different kind of swelling. How easy it must be to forget that this infection is HIS FREAKIN' responsibility...it happened on HIS WATCH. His surgical incision was the obvious route for the infection. Perhaps he is even more negligent then that...he told me specifically NOT to put anti-biotic cream on the wound. HMMM...Maybe that move started all this mess...it surely didn't help.


I am going to leave it at that. I am in agony....the swelling around the ankle is so acute that I cannot put any pressure on it at all. This is not swelling from the infection....NOPE. Something else is going on here and frankly...I haven't a clue!  

I am going to end this now before I LIBEL myself any further....eh, eh!                                                                                               `

Shell Shocked...I WAS

This blog was named Shell Shock Serenade for a very good reason....Shell Shocked was exactly the way I felt when I came to after my suicide attempt into the brand new world of living SOBER. I was totally and completely in shock...paralyzed with fear, afraid of my own shadow and very nervous and unsettled about what the future might hold. Just a few short days before, I had made a very real decision to take my own life and failed...now I was facing life and all that entails without booze or drugs to NUMB the way for the first time EVER.

I really was in over my head but little did I know at the time but a Power....one MUCH greater then myself was looking out for me. That would be GOD and I was NOT a believer at that time. Even after defying the odds and surviving the suicide attempt, I still looked at living life as a BAD THING!!!

This evening I chose to change the cover photo for the blog...a picture from an upcoming movie about the Western Theater of the Civil War.

My rational for using this pic is it captures exactly the whirlwind of fury that my life had become before sobriety took over and brought calm and reconciliation...

DILEMMA

Another day trying to mend. Fever is down and I have felt better except for the swelling and intense pain in my right foot. It feels to me that there is something more then infection going on there....Not sure but the swelling looks and feels much more like there is break or bad sprain as opposed to swelling solely because of the infection.Why? Because the infection swelling and redness throughout the rest of the leg is gone...it is a condensed ball of severe swelling right on and above the ankle this time and I have NEVER felt such compounded PAIN before.

It is the first time in 7 years of recovery that I have even remotely thought about self-medicating because of pain. The thought passed quickly though. I need to communicate this to my doctors but neither is particularly open minded and would rather not listen to what a patient thinks the problem is.

Anyway...that is the dilemma for the day and what happens to be on my mind at the moment. Until the next time....

When Is The END?!

I don't even know where to begin with all of this. I have really sort of fallen off the planet as far as writing the blog is concerned. This is totally because of my ill health.

I was just released from the hospital again yesterday after being treated for a severe infection of the lymph nodes and the blood, I'm rather unhappy about it of course because this has gone on for nearly half a year in some form or another.

I had IV Anti-Biotic pumped into me now for 3 days and I am feeling better since the fever seems to now be under control. But the leg is still very swollen and incredibly sore. I have a feeling it is going to be a while before this ordeal comes to an END.

Sorry Kids But The Bug is Still There!

I thought I was really confused...until it dawned on me that I was just really angry. Yea I am still going round and round with my dilemma concerning my beliefs about spiritual things, religion and being a follower of GOD.

Whenever I have questions about the Church (notice Church is capitalized...that means I am talking about the overall Christian Church and not a local congregation like mine in Coldwater, MI) I noticed that someone recites back the Word of God to make their point and answer my question. The only problem that I have with that is that there is nothing written today in the Bible that hasn't been translated by man....most passages many time over. Basically the Bible is the Word of what Man thinks God would say were he here with us now.

I know I'll get a bunch of crap for saying that but sorry folks it is FACT, it has all been re-written and translated by men who by the Bibles own account are sinners by nature....usually to make a specific point, usually to be used to manipulate and control the followers of that congregation. It works well too...

I know I'll have folks trying to make their point but to me it is a mute point...Man wrote the Bible. Was it Divinely inspired....sure but so many hands were in the mix over the centuries that there is no possible way the message was not distorted, manipulated and GROOMED to sell THEIR message whether "They" were Catholic or  Protestant.

That brings me back to the original spark that ignited my indignation:this bit about people who are divorced can't hold leadership positions in the church. I think it is ridiculous and especially since the passages that are generally used to justify it are weak and open to several different interpretations.

That is my position...we will cover more on this tomorrow....

Disillusionment DAY!

The other day I posted about my discovering that my church....far from being the exception was pretty much like every other church in the way it's people act, controlling others by peer-pressure and manipulation. They are as judgmental as any other group of organized religion I have been a part of. And I am disappointed....not because I thought it''s people were with out flaw. No I knew that wasn't true but it was their depth of phoniness that truly shocked me. In a response to a comment on that post I wrote this:

In the end...It is one's faith that really matters, not what other people think. I have never lost sight of that and that is what I believed through all those years of addiction...that organized religion was BAD, it was a creation of man to control other men through intimidation, peer pressure and guilt. I had hoped I found something different this time around with this church. I was wrong and I felt hurt & mislead when I discovered that some people weren't what they seemed. My BAD for being too trusting....it won't happen again.

I think that sums up my thoughts on the matter pretty thoroughly.As usual, I am having difficulty putting words together but when I finished that last post it definitely felt unfinished, hence the need to clarify today.

Fakes, Phonies and the Modern Day Pharisee

As any regular reader of Shell Shock knows, when I write I rarely hold anything back. Nothing is sacred. I have without a doubt                          shared just about every dark secret or skeleton in my closet with the entire world via the blog over the last several years. Brutal, unrestrained honesty is not only a requirement for contributing to this blog...it also is an absolutely critical part of my daily recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. Only straight-up honesty heals the wounds of that past life.

Regular readers are also aware of the fact that after writing several posts a day for the last 4 years years, basically without missing a single day that I now can go for a week or more without posting at all....a very drastic change in writing habits.

As an explanation I have used my illnesses and writers block among other things but sitting here tonight watching HBO's coverage of RUSH getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I just now realized that the truth may be more difficult to admit and define...perhaps even a bit sinister.


I honestly think I'm not writing in Shell Shock Serenade because I do not want to tell the truth about myself and my feeling's right now. As a matter of fact...I'm certain of it.

I imagine that I will deal with the full truth about this subject in the very near future but let's just say I have become disillusioned with the organized aspect of my FAITH...I feel betrayed. I think there are some people I trusted and looked to for support and friendship who are phony and take advantage of people and have betrayed the sacred trust of confidence.

I'm angry and upset because I thought I found a group of people who were mostly genuine and the reality couldn't be further from the Truth. I feel judged, lied to and stupid for ever thinking this church could be different. Nope...they are just the same in many ways to the church leadership of Jesus's Time..the Pharisee's.

A very harsh comparison, I realize but that is the way it makes me feel. 

I'll elaborate more next time.....until then, so long!

Holiday Inn X, 3am (Reflection of a LIFE)

I'm sitting here at the desk in a room on the 2nd floor of the Holiday Inn Express in Holland Mi. I am home...Holland is as close to my home town as I  have. My feelings about this place are complex to say the LEAST. I spent many good years here...My children grew up here...went to school in the area, met their spouses here. 

I got married...and divorced, worked for the same company for nearly 24 years. I experienced what it was like for one's world to completely spin out of control and crash HARD into the ground...their were very nearly NO survivors. I tried to take my own life in late May of 2006 and that began the spiritual journey that continues to this very day.

It is the hardest thing I have ever done...and quite simply the easiest decision I ever made. My life simply depended on it....

And So....It Shall Be (repost)

The following is a post from 11 April, 2012. As I have continued to recover from my recent injuries, illness and severe case of writer's block I have had to re-evaluate why I want to continue writing here on The SHOCK. Frankly...this post from over a year ago says it best...hence I am re-posting it

I do not know how long this "transition" will take but I am convinced more now then ever that I want to ride this out and blog regularly again. My Dear Reader's...I ask once again for your help and your patience. I promise...one day the dam will break and i WILL write again!

SHILOH

The other day I posted about evaluating this blog and how I came to the conclusion that I did want to continue to post and that I still felt compelled to do it. I had wondered if I was now sharing too much personal information and quite honestly I wondered how relevant my original premise for Shell Shock Serenade still was. I had originally intended to capture what recovery was like in real time...day by day even minute to minute.


But the truth is that after nearly six years clean/sober there isn't always relevant (read: Interesting) stuff going on day to day. Then of course I started blogging about being raped as a boy...and this gave me more fodder for posts. 


I really wonder whether my life in itself, without the recovery drama is interesting enough to sustain readership. Ironically I am getting more hits daily then ever before so it truly is a miracle.


I have noticed when I have blogged about the hard core details of my addiction, my suicide attempt or the sexual assault...well those are my most read blog posts. But I don't want to artificially inflate or exaggerate to make this more appealing. I am, at my heart level perfectly satisfied to share with whoever wants to read it and let it be what it is: a document of what a life is like when addiction, sexual assault and suicide are all a part of it. 


I just want to represent those feelings, thoughts and reactions honestly and in a way that can be understood by other addicts, rape victims and suicide survivors as well as the general public. I am not angry, I don't have an ax to grind, I don't play the victim...no...I just want to live life to the best of my ability and serve God, my Creator. I am grateful to have survived and flourished once I found sobriety and a spiritual way of living that led me to God.


I don't have any intention of trying to shove my beliefs or way of living down anyone's throat...no, I really want to represent myself honestly and people can take it or leave it as they wish. I answer most if not all comments...I'm happy to do it. I answer all emails and will talk to  anyone who truly has an interest in any of the relevant subjects I write about. 


I am also a father, was a single father, I was married twice and am a grandpa. It is impossible to write about those other things in life with out including these facts as well. I probably write about relationships as much as any other subject now  because I have learned how important relationships with others truly are...they are essential to human beings as we live life on this planet...whether we believe it or not, humans are at their core social creatures and we bond with one another if for no other reason then to just survive.


So that is what I am pondering at this time as I plan on continuing to write. I will most certainly post answers to any questions people may have an you can ask me anything. My email is:


thormoo1016@gmail.com


So people...COME ON, throw me a bone and write...ask me anything, say anything you might dare as to provoke a response....I imagine I have a few stashed away some where.


Please feel free to contact me if you'd like me to cover some detail of my experience that you want to know more about whether it's about alcoholism, rape, suicide or just living 50 years on this planet...I'd love to have suggestions on what folks would like to read about. But even without I'l just keep throwing darts and see what comes out of that.


So there it is..