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Friday, May 4, 2018

Head Shrink Hell

I don't mind going to through therapy but I'm always emotionally wrung out for days afterward.

I've been having vicious  dreams and flashbacks everyday _night... everything from the sexual assault with the perpatrtors wearing clown masks to the dreams I had as a youth of being buried alive in a trench with corpses and  rats on the Somme during the Great War. I just want to stop fighting..5 yrs of surgeries, doctors appts, little or no sleep takesits toll. Add to the fact that Kim and I  alone are the only ones taking responsibility to caste for my aging parents id becoming more difficult anf time consuming each day. Just the daily care of their house and yard is  hard enough. My physical limitations are starting to to affect my ability ti function. With no pain therapy now I'm travelling a full circle  back to being a total wheel chair bound cripple.  I'm not a happy fellow...

I never paid much attention PTSD until a caring therapist made it clear that it was primarily responsible for most of the dreams emotional physical Agony I was feeling. Not the person I want to be it's just hard to go to each day so much pain and the loss of Mobility is a real psychological mind fucker for me.

I can't even do the things that you to do for pleasure anymore. I haven't swung a golf club in almost a year because I tore my left bicep catching my 6-foot 4 230 lb father when he was falling out of his walker.

Hope isn't something I've felt much of late and I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist will help me find ways to deal with the pain without medication creating order, direction, goals iand order in my life. Otherwise I'd just end it all.

At 55 I'm just worn out....I've  probably lived a full active life anf i feel likr nsomeone in their mid 80s.jI know I can't  go on like forever.

I'm up in Kalamazoo and it is now the next day I am getting my prosthetic worked on. I feel just likd quitting nit that's  typically not my way.  I had another lousy night full of violent combat  dreams  shell craters British accents and German being spoken.  Thede dreams were followed by reliving thr rape like so many9 . morings... which I loved I now hate.

I thought I had an 8:30 appointment here in Kalamazoo it turns out and or did in correctly in my calendar on my phone and its at 9:30 so now I sit here feeling like shit I really just want to leave but I can't cuz I need my leg. I don't know if I'll ever get used to not having my leg.

Thursday, April 26, 2018

On The Move


Ellie Wiesal wrote his stunning memoir called NIGHT to attempt to describe his HOLOCAUST experiences. I am no way trying to compare his HORROR to my own. I just truly dread the night whist hating the exposure that comes with the light of day. It is a double edge sword. 

I don't sleep...not well any way and during this awful withdraw and transition to Suboxone period I NEVER can without the "encouragement" of XANAX". 

I don't know up from down...left from right...light or dark. Even when my broke my ankle and had emergency surgery later that day it got infected at the hospital I never felt so low. The subsequent ordeal lasted 3 years, 30 odd surgeries, over 140 days in hospital, bone became total blood infection,  I nearly died and then had the right leg amputated below the knee...I don't recalling ever feeling quite as hopeless as I do right NIGHT....particularly this night.

I see no light at the end of this tunnel...not even the perverbial train. This was my choice, quitting Methadone pain treatment after 14 years. I distinctly remember two surgeons convincing me to at least try it. I could not walk at the time. I fought their suggestion for a week...then gave in to get out of the hospital and my wheelchair.

To my surprise the Methadone therapy gave me a fairly normal life least for parts of each day. But staying on it in today's atmosphere of "Opiate Crisis" Hysteria and misinformation is impossible. 

So I'm headed back to the wheelchair...eventually. I feel that in my heart anyway because over the last 40 years after my back injury, I had tried literally everything available from Pain clinics short of a Morphine Pump Implant to moderate the pain.

Now nerves all over my body are irreversibly damaged, randomly sparking off like machine gun fire and I now have irreversible Neuropathy to boot. Throw in the Phantom Pain in my lower right leg,ankle/foot (which no longer exist BTW)and I am no longer Human....I am simply PAIN.

I truly wish our society respected human beings enough to allow a person  the choice to end their life. Sometimes enough is enough...

Monday, April 23, 2018

When Nightmare IS Realiy

Sitting in the therapy office... required because I have chosen to get off Methadone pain therapy after 14 yrs. I have not had a drink since June 6th night 2006  sober for almost 12 years .  So needless to say this is strange, unusual  and perhaps even unprecedented. It is a very long story longet than I want to work out today in this particular blog post. I've been off of methadone for almost 3 weeks.  Thanks to a friend I transferred to another narcotic pain medication for a week to make the transition to Suboxone doable. I have been on the Suboxone over a week and to put it nicely it is a living hell.  For those who are informed, Suboxone is an opiate narcotic that does not relieve pain and does not allow one to take other pain medications without getting deathly ill. There was a very legitimate reason that I was on pain therapy: neuropathy, 6 ruptured and cracked disks/vertebra in my back.... a right below the knee amputation.. needless to say even breathing hurts. Such is reality...I often wonder why I've chosen to do this but frankly I'm sick of being on any kind of medication. Seriously I'd rather be dead. The methadone worked very well, I have had a nice life where I  could do physical things, take care of my responsibilities. I'm frightened because I'm afraid without some sort of treatment I will be confined to a wheelchair or at least I SHOULD be but I'm not sure I'll let that happen, there are other options. Hope you all have a nice day...

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Exiting The Void to Engage The Whirlwind....

In the years before I was injured then battled a subsequent blood/bone infection that resulted in the loss of my right leg below the knee (BKA- Below Thew Knee Amputation) I had gotten into the habit of writing daily here on Shell Shock Serenade. Eventually the shear landslide of surgeries (34), hospitalizations (153 days) and fighting for my life took all the energy that I had and I stopped writing...cold. I really miss it but cannot seem to get my writing groove back and so this blog continues to sit idle....and this makes me feel quite sad.

I truly found it helpful to relay the events of my life as a way of helping others who were dealing with substance abuse or had to find a way to live with the tragic chaos of sexual assault or sexual molestation as I have for the last 43 years. Doing so was also critical to helping me stay sober...One day at a time and deal with the after effects of that extremely violent sexual assault as a boy (PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The entire trajectory of my life was altered in one 5 minute period of time.

I have made attempts in the past to write again and found it difficult to remain focused and quickly lost interest. But I really want to find a way to write regularly so here I'm going try it again.

I am not the same person I was before the accident and recovery. I've had the proverbial shit kicked out of me every way possible: physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.I no longer trust any one or any thing....I have no spiritual belief left. Honestly I am not sure I truly believe in ANYTHING anymore. Life is to survive, to endure to SUFFER...

I have little use for anyone who hasn't suffered because in my mind they haven't truly lived and I just cannot relate.I know it sounds callused but such is the end result of my experience.

I'm am not the biggest fan of the painter Pablo Picasso but since I was a very small boy I was pulled toward works from his "BLUE Period" such as those above. The color and distortion mirrors my own emotion well.

None of this means that my life such as it is is a failure or that I am unhappy or dissatisfied all the time I just identify with visible TRUTHS and don't trust Faith or people who have all the answers.

More on these thoughts later... 

Thursday, June 8, 2017

"SCARS Are Souvenirs You NEVR LOSE"...

Occasionally  I'll find myself caught completely unaware by something that just takes my breath away by how relevant or meaningful I find it to be. A fairly recent example is the concept of a life experience leaving a permanent scar on a person's soul...It is an idea that has really been haunting me, kind of burning a hole in my brain. I truly believe that what we live through, experience or even endure leave a permanent mark on us....a life-long "Soul Scar" as it were. I undoubtedly am a rather prime example of one who has begun a collection of these life changing obsession with this has now become a bastardized form of souvenir hunting for these cosmic scars in a way...I've been collecting them in my own way, nurturing and cultivating them. Sounds sadistic but the SCARS as they were are not always a result of a negative experience....

The title of this post is not of my own is a lyric from a Goo Goo Dolls song called of my favorites.

It was probably in late 1990 or early 1991 and we were headed to  NJJ to visit my Ex's fam and friends outside of NYC. We left Holland at 3a and headed through Canada re-entering the States in Buffalo NY.  We had a local station on the radio and they were interviewing some band from the area that I had never heard of before. I wasn't paying much attention until the guitarist/Lead singer Johnny Reznik said something that caught my attention and made me literally laugh out load in reference to their home town...Buffalo, NY. When asked about growing up there he said "Buffalo is just a great place to live....but I'd never want to visit". At that moment began my life-long love affair with the GOO's and a  real appreciation for their music. 

So much so I want to share it w/ all of you. 


Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Hey Chicken Little: The Sky Really Isn't FALLING....

Image result for sunset Pics

People, the election is over and I suspect the sun will continue to rise and life will continue to go on. Living these days is difficult enough without us making it even MORE difficult for ourselves by spreading rumors and outright LIES through Social Media. I am seeing an awful lot of the Fake News articles that the true news outlets are beginning to report on being forwarded on FB, Twitter and on the Internet in general...honestly it makes the sender look hateful, foolish and ignorant for not verifying the source. It continues to happen on both sides of the political aisle but because of the outcome of the Presidential Election, the anti-Trump stuff is the most prolific right now. This fake news issue is very real and totally legit...even Mark Zuckerberg at FaceBook is now finally reacting to it after being forced to deal with this issue. I know I am pissing in the wind when I ask but PLEASE....just DON'T PRESS SEND until you VERIFY what you are sending.

The fear and concern that is rising in the country is undoubtedly being encouraged because people are acting like sheep and they tend to accept and believe most everything they read or are told and don't bother to check it's validity.

I fear this is promoting even more hate, intolerance and unjust treatment of people who simply disagree with one another. In my nearly 55 years on the planet I have never witnessed a time where people treated fellow human beings so poorly. And I am not singling out anyone...we are ALL guilty of this. It does not matter what side you are on it is an epidemic and through the power of global communication it can and WILL continue to get worse UNLESS the people themselves simply stop...and think for themselves. Perhaps only then some unconditional LOVE may find it's way in and begin to turn things around.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

When A Song Can Say It BETTER....

There are times that I find that a song speaks more honestly about how I feel or where I am at then I am able to articulate.This is one of those times and this is one of those songs: NAME by the GOO GOO DOLLS 


Even though the moment passed me by, I still can't turn away
All the dreams you never thought you'd lose got tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send lost or thrown away
Now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
If you could hide inside me, maybe for awhile,
and I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't make you sad to know that life is more than who you are?
Grew up way too fast and now there's nothing to believe
Reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,
And I won't tell 'em your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
And I won't tell 'em your name
I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are
Come back down and I won't tell 'em your name


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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Try, Try AGAIN!

Well here I go again. I am going to try one more time to break through the writers block that has prevented me from writing regularly here on SSS.

Needless to say I have changed a great deal since I created this Blog back in 2009 to document the daily life of a person (me) who was living a life of daily recovery from addiction/alcoholism. My life has changed and I am now a BTK Amputee of my right leg. 

I will still try and document the daily joys and yea...trials and tribulations of recovery from a life threatening injury plus illness that is now well into it's 4th year.

So welcome to my nightmare folks...hold on, it can be a hell of a ride!