In the years before I was injured then battled a subsequent blood/bone infection that resulted in the loss of my right leg below the knee (BKA- Below Thew Knee Amputation) I had gotten into the habit of writing daily here on Shell Shock Serenade. Eventually the shear landslide of surgeries (34), hospitalizations (153 days) and fighting for my life took all the energy that I had and I stopped writing...cold. I really miss it but cannot seem to get my writing groove back and so this blog continues to sit idle....and this makes me feel quite sad.
I truly found it helpful to relay the events of my life as a way of helping others who were dealing with substance abuse or had to find a way to live with the tragic chaos of sexual assault or sexual molestation as I have for the last 43 years. Doing so was also critical to helping me stay sober...One day at a time and deal with the after effects of that extremely violent sexual assault as a boy (PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The entire trajectory of my life was altered in one 5 minute period of time.
I have made attempts in the past to write again and found it difficult to remain focused and quickly lost interest. But I really want to find a way to write regularly so here I'm going try it again.
I am not the same person I was before the accident and recovery. I've had the proverbial shit kicked out of me every way possible: physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.I no longer trust any one or any thing....I have no spiritual belief left. Honestly I am not sure I truly believe in ANYTHING anymore. Life is to survive, to endure to SUFFER...
I have little use for anyone who hasn't suffered because in my mind they haven't truly lived and I just cannot relate.I know it sounds callused but such is the end result of my experience.
I'm am not the biggest fan of the painter Pablo Picasso but since I was a very small boy I was pulled toward works from his "BLUE Period" such as those above. The color and distortion mirrors my own emotion well.
None of this means that my life such as it is is a failure or that I am unhappy or dissatisfied all the time I just identify with visible TRUTHS and don't trust Faith or people who have all the answers.
More on these thoughts later...
