I don't mind going to through therapy but I'm always emotionally wrung out for days afterward.
I've been having vicious dreams and flashbacks everyday, every night... everything from the sexual assault with the perpetrators wearing clown masks to the dreams I had as a youth of being buried alive in a trench with corpses and rats during the Great War. I just want to stop fighting..5 yrs of surgeries, doctors appts, little or no sleep takes its toll. Add to the fact that Kim and I alone are the only ones taking responsibility to care for my aging parents is becoming more difficult an time consuming each day. Just the daily care of their house and yard is hard enough. My physical limitations are starting to to affect my ability to function. With no pain therapy now I'm travelling a full circle, back to being a total wheel chair bound cripple. I'm not a happy fellow...
I never paid much attention PTSD until a caring therapist made it clear that it was primarily responsible for most of the Agony I was feeling. this is not the person I want to be but it is who I am. It can be hard to go on some days with so much pain and the loss of Mobility. It is a real psychological mind fucker for me.
I can't even do the things that you to do for pleasure anymore. I haven't played a single hole of golf in over a year because I tore my left bicep catching my father when he was falling out of his walker.I live on a lake and never enjoy swimming or a boat ride.
Hope isn't something I've felt much of late and I'm hoping that meeting with my therapist will help me find ways to deal with the pain without medication creating order, direction, goals and order in my life. Otherwise the future looks dark.
At 55 I'm just worn out....I've lived a full, active life and i feel like someone in their mid 80s. The hope is this trial by fire won't last forever but the sand is rapidly running through the hour glass.
I feel like I am spinning in circles, upside down. I had another night full of bizarre and terrifying dreams...the dreams are typically followed by relieving the worst moment of my life...like it was all happening again.
I compare it to being in very deep water, running out of breath and struggling to work my way to the light, the surface and never quite getting there before all goes black.
Oddly though I never stop fighting. I cannot quit... Though I have often felt like an outsider because I had a dark secret...releasing it has benefited me.It doesn't go away yet the more I expose it the less powerful it gets.
I call that progress, I will take it today....
