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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Getting On My Own Nerves

I'm feeling really restless this evening. Not necessarily jumpy nor dissatisfied....just kind of lost in time with an extra dose of energy I'd say. It is probably not an unusual way of behaving considering life has been so full of distractions, issues and huge life-changing decisions for me to make. I would guess that it is a reasonable reaction considering the circumstances I am facing as of late.

I have found that my body as well as my mind and spirit adjust to my way of life and living and when that way has been rather chaotic for the most gets difficult to shut it all down when things get calmer or slow their roll a bit. I have noticed that I do tend to be on the alert for the difficult and the unexpected...basically because being blind-sided by life has become the norm around here lately. Bad news and adversity are expected not the other way around.

It is a life style that wears a guy out because I never try and let my guard down....EVER. It's sad because there is no joy in living such a life yet I do look at all of this as a temporary condition based on the circumstances of my health and upcoming medical procedures.

I also find that I do not do as well as I used to with idle time because I have found that I begin to over-think and obsess about having my leg amputated and it scares me. I wonder if I can handle it...I begin to doubt my decision and second-guess myself. This is where my FAITH becomes critical and I rely on GOD exclusively because I have yet to find anything that even comes close to bringing me the serenity, comfort and peace that HE does.

But I am human and I will have doubts. I become fearful and stop trusting HIM...when I do is when the anxiety and FEAR begins to dominate and if left to itself...take over.

I suppose what I am trying to do in this post is to put into words that chaotic, internal restlessness that is kicking my ass daily & preventing me from relaxing or having any kind of normalcy in my day to day life. My hope is that by understanding what is happening to me I may be better able to counter it somehow and become a nicer and more reasonable person to be around. Because right now my INTENSITY dominates everything and I am not easy to live with, I assure you that K-Sue and the rest of my family & friends will verify that. Hell I am getting on my own nerves...those few that are actually left and functioning, hardy-har-har!

So we shall see if sitting down to write about all of this makes a difference. Anyway...have a wonderful night, Y'all!

Photo: Kathy Tomson

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