On The Move

NIGHT....Call Me PAIN

Ellie Wiesal wrote his stunning memoir called NIGHT to attempt to describe his HOLOCAUST experiences. I am no way trying to compare his HORROR to my own. I just truly dread the night whist hating the exposure that comes with the light of day. It is a double edge sword. 

I don't sleep...not well any way and during this awful withdraw and transition to Suboxone period I NEVER can without the "encouragement" of XANAX". 

I don't know up from down...left from right...light or dark. Even when my broke my ankle and had emergency surgery later that day it got infected at the hospital I never felt so low. The subsequent ordeal lasted 3 years, 30 odd surgeries, over 140 days in hospital, bone became total blood infection,  I nearly died and then had the right leg amputated below the knee...I don't recalling ever feeling quite as hopeless as I do right now....at NIGHT....particularly this night.

I see no light at the end of this tunnel...not even the perverbial train. This was my choice, quitting Methadone pain treatment after 14 years. I distinctly remember two surgeons convincing me to at least try it. I could not walk at the time. I fought their suggestion for a week...then gave in to get out of the hospital and my wheelchair.

To my surprise the Methadone therapy gave me a fairly normal life back...at least for parts of each day. But staying on it in today's atmosphere of "Opiate Crisis" Hysteria and misinformation is impossible. 

So I'm headed back to the wheelchair...eventually. I feel that in my heart anyway because over the last 40 years after my back injury, I had tried literally everything available from Pain clinics short of a Morphine Pump Implant to moderate the pain.

Now nerves all over my body are irreversibly damaged, randomly sparking off like machine gun fire and I now have irreversible Neuropathy to boot. Throw in the Phantom Pain in my lower right leg,ankle/foot (which no longer exist BTW)and I am no longer Human....I am simply PAIN.

I truly wish our society respected human beings enough to allow a person  the choice to end their life. Sometimes enough is enough...

Fantasyland

Fun...Fun...Fun...

When Nightmare IS Realiy

Sitting in the therapy office... required because I have chosen to get off Methadone pain therapy after 14 yrs. I have not had a drink since June 6th night 2006  sober for almost 12 years .  So needless to say this is strange, unusual  and perhaps even unprecedented. It is a very long story longet than I want to work out today in this particular blog post. I've been off of methadone for almost 3 weeks.  Thanks to a friend I transferred to another narcotic pain medication for a week to make the transition to Suboxone doable. I have been on the Suboxone over a week and to put it nicely it is a living hell.  For those who are informed, Suboxone is an opiate narcotic that does not relieve pain and does not allow one to take other pain medications without getting deathly ill. There was a very legitimate reason that I was on pain therapy: neuropathy, 6 ruptured and cracked disks/vertebra in my back.... a right below the knee amputation.. needless to say even breathing hurts. Such is reality...I often wonder why I've chosen to do this but frankly I'm sick of being on any kind of medication. Seriously I'd rather be dead. The methadone worked very well, I have had a nice life where I  could do physical things, take care of my responsibilities. I'm frightened because I'm afraid without some sort of treatment I will be confined to a wheelchair or at least I SHOULD be but I'm not sure I'll let that happen, there are other options. Hope you all have a nice day...