Jeez, I wish I knew the answer to the question that I am now asked more then any other..."Have you decided if you are going to amputate your leg or have another surgery?" Er....the answer changes...frequently in my mind, it sort of depends on how I'm feeling...I suppose.
The answer most logical to me is that I should move forward with the amputation and get on with my life. It really is what I want to do....most of the time. And that last thought there at the end is the true stumbling block to making this an easy decision...."most of the time".
Because once in a great while I still have doubts about going through with it. Shoot, wouldn't you?! Hell yea anybody would and I think that is a most natural and NORMAL way to feel.
Who, I wonder...ever thinks they will have to face such a question as this one. There is no way to possibly prepare for it. It was completely unexpected....even when I knew that it must be coming because of the circumstance.
The impact of this illness and the aftermath, the sheer trauma involved in having to CHOOSE to cut of your right leg is tragic and mind numbing in it's difficulty and the legacy it will most definitely leave.
Am I fearful, it is asked? Yes...I am often afraid and frankly I feel no shame in feeling that way. My life has turned toward the surreal...full time.
This experience has shaken me to the very core of my existence....straight through to my SOUL. It has shaken my faith, it has me questioning the love and friendship of those closest to me and brought out of me the old Ogre....MISTRUST. I often find that I do not trust anyone once again...no one can really understand this unless they've been there. But I know the mistrust is dangerous and it isolates a person when they need their friends & family the most.
But what can one man do but persevere...just keep pushing through the gale to find the port in the storm with it's calmer seas. So that is what one must do during these days of trial, uncertainty and such unbearable pain.
Until the next time...