Ready & Willing

I cannot believe it, I am freaking HOME! And I feel less bombed out, less sick and messed up then after any of the other major surgeries I have had at day #5. Now the pain is way more concentrated and INTENSE (and they say it's normal and expected for awhile) But what can you expect after having your leg chopped off! 

Thanks to the magnificent Docs Etrl & Gorman and the wonderful staff at BMH, you totally ROCK! These are incredibly gifted and very special men, I owe my life to them. 

And to my friends and family, thank you so very much for the thoughts, well wishes and prayers....you folks are the best!

K and I are settled in and I am getting used to life as an amputee. We are looking at about 6 weeks until we get fitted with the first prosthetic.

I am ready to get on with life...TOMORROW. Tonight I am exhausted and ready for bed...good night all!

The Other Side of SANITY

The time is drawing near....so near that I can literally feel FATE breathing hard on the back of my neck. The unthinkable, undo-able, the beyond consideration...has become cold, calculating reality and the intentional design of tomorrow's surgical Tea Party at Bronson Methodist Hospital in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

What a flowery bunch of literary BULLSHIT that just was. TRUTH IS I am having my right leg cut off about 6" below my knee and  I feel like I have dropped off the edge of the sanity cliff into the Twilight Zone. And I am just fortunate enough to have dragged K-sue with me. And not only is she not kicking and screaming...she actually seems USED to this MADNESS....what a lucky little sucker I am, eh?!

We have been down this path so frequently in the past that we actually have an unspoken game-plan we use to help us prepare for what may turn out to be a rather lengthy stay in Hospital, nearly an 80 minute drive from our home.

I just re-read what I have just written and my initial reaction is I wish I felt half as confident and together as I make it all sound. Truth is that I'm spinning cartwheels at 10,000 MPH in my brain and my heart feels permanently lodged in the back of my throat. 

In some strange, inexplicable way this surgery that always seemed impossible to me is really going to happen. I will walk through a door to the hospital tomorrow on two legs and will leave one there forever when I depart a few days later. That is if Doc E shoots down my morbid obsessive desire to have the bones preserved so that I can bring them home with me for permanent display. And Yea...I'm pretty much serious about it and I have already been told countless times how freaking sick that idea is. I suppose that in some way or another, that is why I like it. Yet I am seriously doubtful it will actually happen so let's not waste any more minutes on the subject for TIME, it seems is getting short.

And that is no joke, my friends. For some time there has been this invisible Hour-Glass that I am distinctly aware of running short of sand. There has been an unspoken, undefined urgency to everything I do.I am not sure why but it is as if there truly is a real possibility that the curtain, as it were could forever close on this particular story....The Story of MY LIFE.

I am not trying to be morbid here and I am not trolling for sympathy. I think it is perfectly natural and for the most part healthy that one would consider their own mortality when having such a serious operation. Even though it 'tis one of the oldest know surgical procedures performed by MAN...the amputation of a limb no longer able to do it's duty.

All in all I am as prepared as I can be. Physically I have gotten as healthy as I physically can. Emotionally and Psychologically I am ready and fully understand and accept what is going to happen to me tomorrow. And Spiritually I know I am prepared to face Fear Itself and I am not and will Never Ever be Alone.

Thank you Readers of Shell Shock Serenade for letting me blow off a wee bit of emotional steam these last twenty minutes or so as I embrace the Folly of written self-expression in an attempt to whittle away a few minutes time keeping my mind and hands occupied.

So long for a few days and we shall see you all when we meet agin on the other side of SANITY.

The RECKONING

Nameless and Faceless By Ishrath Humairah

A-Day (Amputation Day) is this Wednesday November 19, 2014 at Noon. I suppose I am as ready as anyone can be who is making a conscious decision to cut off one of their legs just below the knee. Yea, I'm being Coy and trying to be cute and yes I know it really isn't my style. But what else do you say about this kind of thing?!

There are all the "right" things to say about being positive, having faith in a good outcome and saying this is all for the better. In my case those things are all basically true (at least MOST of the time). But in all honesty it is such a surreal experience to be having. I have been through a great many difficult times and have endured my fair share of chaos and hardship and this amputation surgery in many ways is just another experience.

Vincent Van Gogh

And then it isn't like anything that has ever happened to me either. Sure I put on a brave face but the truth is this frightens me some times when I think about it. I'm OK with that...there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of fear and this kind of surgery certainly is a big enough deal to justify a few fearful moments now and again. I'd be more concerned if I wasn't afraid.

But this is truly the first step toward a new beginning. We have honestly exhausted all the realistic alternatives....6 surgeries in 15 months is enough. This will be surgery #7 for this ankle that was broken in a fall at home on February 9th, 2013. The nerves are damaged beyond all hope of recovery or repair. Having Neuropathy makes it even less likely that another Fusion Surgery would heal properly. Plus I have had an ongoing infection, more or less for the last year and a half.

Vincent Van Gogh

The time is now for a major move and Wednesday at Noon is when it's going to happen. I am ready to face the FEAR and fight for my freedom from this pain and torment. The day of RECKONING is here...at long last. And just in case the worst possible scenario happens I can honestly say that I gave this life my very best and that if it truly is my time to die that I died sober, with my family and friends I love theoretically by my side every step of the way.

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me and my family through prayer or just let us know that you are thinking about us. Several individuals have helped us get through this difficult time with rides to the doctor's office 90 minutes away and in other ways that we will never EVER forget. My Friends are THE VERY BEST, God Bless ALL of you!

We will see you on the other side of Amputation. And then my focus will be on what type of art-work to have done on my prosthetic Leg...Modern or Impressionist!

The Future Beckons.

By Claude Monet

It 'tis a blustery, cold, windy November day and I find myself sitting here shaking off the fever and fatigue of infection, just wishing I had the energy and stamina to go outside and work in the yard. This is quite an odd time period in my life because I feel an unspoken pressure to do things with my "real" right leg for at least ONE LAST TIME. 

I want to walk around the Island (or small Island as we call the abbreviated road loop on the NW side of Iyopawa Island) at least one more time. I want to try and golf as much as I can in case the worst happens and I am no longer able to walk after surgery. Unfortunately I haven't played more then a hole or two at a time in the last 40 days or so because I am just too ill and hurts too dang much.

I don't really know how to feel about all of this or what to think. Nothing in life (at least my 52 years of it) prepares one to make the decision to cut off their own leg...no matter how necessary it turns out to be. 

It is a time where I find myself playing a great many mind games and not feeling overly hopeful sometimes for a really positive outcome. The sacrifices and difficulties of the last year have conditioned me to expect adversity and embrace failure. This is not typically the way I usually am...

I feel so poorly that in reality I don't question the decision...it's just that I don't want to be in the position where I have to decide in the first place. I don't want to be a part of any of this but the truth is I do not have a choice. I have to move on and this is the situation that I am in so I must find it within myself to push through all the crap in search of a better, healthier life on the other side.

There is a great deal of uncertainty right now and dealing with all the unknown makes it even more difficult because I can't possibly know what to expect. I've never walked into a building in my life and left several days later without a leg. The idea itself is surreal and confusing...it haunts me just to think about it, not to mention actually prepare oneself for such an experience.

I feel as though I am moving slowly into a rather murky future where each step is an adventure with misfortune and chaos lurking behind every shadow. So be it then...I'll certainly be there to move off into the mist and see what awaits me beyond the shroud of uncertainty and doubt.