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| By Claude Monet |
I want to walk around the Island (or small Island as we call the abbreviated road loop on the NW side of Iyopawa Island) at least one more time. I want to try and golf as much as I can in case the worst happens and I am no longer able to walk after surgery. Unfortunately I haven't played more then a hole or two at a time in the last 40 days or so because I am just too ill and hurts too dang much.
I don't really know how to feel about all of this or what to think. Nothing in life (at least my 52 years of it) prepares one to make the decision to cut off their own leg...no matter how necessary it turns out to be.
It is a time where I find myself playing a great many mind games and not feeling overly hopeful sometimes for a really positive outcome. The sacrifices and difficulties of the last year have conditioned me to expect adversity and embrace failure. This is not typically the way I usually am...
I feel so poorly that in reality I don't question the decision...it's just that I don't want to be in the position where I have to decide in the first place. I don't want to be a part of any of this but the truth is I do not have a choice. I have to move on and this is the situation that I am in so I must find it within myself to push through all the crap in search of a better, healthier life on the other side.
There is a great deal of uncertainty right now and dealing with all the unknown makes it even more difficult because I can't possibly know what to expect. I've never walked into a building in my life and left several days later without a leg. The idea itself is surreal and confusing...it haunts me just to think about it, not to mention actually prepare oneself for such an experience.
I feel as though I am moving slowly into a rather murky future where each step is an adventure with misfortune and chaos lurking behind every shadow. So be it then...I'll certainly be there to move off into the mist and see what awaits me beyond the shroud of uncertainty and doubt.
I was watching a documentary about Paris, France, the other day. It started with the neolithic period, then came up to Rome. As the town Lutetia was forming around the river Seine and its meanders and islets, a class of people called the "nauts" - operators of barges, who helped people cross back and forth, if I understood correctly - emerged, making a lot of money and gaining power. From this group came the motto of Paris: "Fluctuat nec mergitur," meaning "It floats and does not sink" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluctuat_nec_mergitur). It immediately reminded me of you.
ReplyDeleteYour background and destiny are so far from anything I have experienced that I often feel very small and cannot find words that would do justice to your strength and empathy. You are going through a shitstorm right now, being tossed by the waves, but you will not sink, my friend. You are a survivor. My wish for you is that the pain you have been feeling for so long be taken away so that you find peace and a good night's sleep. I wish you clarity. Your faith and the support of loved ones you already have. The rest of us will be reading and sending prayers. All best to you.
So good to hear from you...it's been awhile. Faith is a strange thing and I cannot really define, explain or say how much I really have in reality, if any at all. I think most people persevere through life's Shit-Storms (as you so eloquently call them) mostly because it's the only realistic alternative to just carry on. I chose once to not continue on and the impact of that decision and it's outcome continues to be so strong that I shall never retreat from a fight for a better life.Am I a survivor? Shit I don't know...aren't most people in one way or another. I tend to think most humans suffer, endure and pay a tremendous price for living during their life time making life itself a matter of surviving. The purpose of this challenge and heartbreak is not really clear to me...at one time I believed the answer was spiritual...now I am not so sure. All I know is I am alive and I'd prefer that I continue to be alive for awhile.
DeleteThere are a small handful of people I know who have seemed to navigate through their lives basically without much adversity. They were born of privilege, have never known want or hunger or hopelessness or really had to struggle for anything. I could resent them but it is hardly their fault. Are they more blessed? Do they have more faith. A few of them are Christians who seem to be oblivious to the suffering of others and it baffles me how any human being can look at the struggles of others and continually dismiss it with a quick; "I'll pray for you" and promptly retreat back into their world of comfort and self-assurance that they are always right. I guess it is hard to argue since they never suffer so who can blame them.
My question then is that really living? I am certainty a better human being because of my suffering. I have empathy, tolerance, patience and understanding for those people who struggle through life. I don't step back and lament how unfortunate those poor souls must be. No I just listen to them and love them. What I can't do is ignore them or JUDGE THEM. Today I feel judged by others who seem to believe my difficulties are of my own making and I am somehow LESS GOOD because of it.
Personally I feel closer to GOD during these trials by fire. Tonight though I just hurt and wonder what the future holds for me with one functional leg. I have endured dozens of surgeries...this is the first time I have EVER felt fearful about one of them.
Love hearing from you friend...T
Today
Hello! My name is Gena, and I happened to see this post and I am so thankful that I did! I am an amputee and have been for most of my life, and I can personally tell you that you WILL LIVE AN EXTRODINARY LIFE after the amputation, as you did before. You will inspire so many and you will be surprised at just how many lives you will change in the process. I run track and played soccer all through high school and I aspire to compete in the 2016 Paralympic Games in Rio! If you haven't heard of the Paralympic games I highly encourage you to do so! Talk about some inspiration! You are going to live a life full of obstacles and I am not going to tell you everything will be easy, but nothing in life is easy. I can tell you that you will be able to golf again and do everything that you did before. There is hope and never lose sight of that, it would be the worst thing you could do. I will always keep you in my prayers and please understand that more doors will open up for you after the amputation, more opportunities to inspire, and more opportunities to change your life, and the others going through a similar situation. Be happy and know that God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. God would never give you a task you couldn't handle. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, as dumb as that sounds, but never lose sight of it. You are going to do great things and that, I am sure of! Keep smiling and show yourself just how strong you are. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Gena....it is kind of you to take the time to share your experience, strength and hope with me. I totally get it and I do expect to move on to a better life. I think it's normal to have doubts about taking such a big step but I have heard from several amputees who in their own unique way have communicated similar experiences and thoughts as yours. The prospect of living that EXTRAORDINARY LIFE is an exciting one and I am ready. Thanks again for your wonderful example of strength and hope....T
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