Behind The Blue Mask....

What happens to the human mind when that said mind's actual body is subjected to constant, debilitating physical pain and trauma. Throw in a mammoth dose of emotional, psychological and spiritual stress, confusion and yea...even more pain and you have a recipe for several potentialities: Insanity, Suicide or an opportunity to focus all that hard-ache and hard-ship into something miraculous: a brand new perspective and outlook on life...A Fresh Start.

Although this sounds like the set-up for a TV or movie drama plot, unfortunately it is not. In reality, it is but a brief description of what I am currently experiencing after over 15 months of living this mad medical nightmare called: "My LIFE".

On the surface it sounds like it is an easy choice to make...choose the high-road and stay positive. WAY, way easier SAID then DONE, my Friend! My reality says that it is anything BUT an easy choice.

After 15 months of uncertainty, pain and heartbreak the easier options by far are to simply quit life. The first is to simply take one's own life. Not recommended by this BOY I assure you. I made an attempt in late May of 2006 and though mercifully I was spared death, it was very, very close. TOO Fucking Close, believe me. I not only suffer physical problems to this very day from the failed attempt but the psychological baggage runs deep....painfully DEEP.


But there are also a multitude of ways to "quit life" without ending it....Some folks simply stop functioning and revert back to a vegetative state of being. No movement, zero laughter, no smiles, no way to live......NOTHING. Nothingness becomes their sanctuary....others will call this mental illness and if you think for a second that I am exaggerating.....then be watchful little friend because it happens a quite often and to the best of them.

For me, I have chosen to move on...TO take each day, whatever may come my way. And why have I made this choice to follow the more difficult path? It started awhile back when I caught myself looking back in the mirror. To this day that image freezes me in time and makes me SHUDDER. Behind the BLUE mask I call my eyes, the shutting down process had indeed already begun. There was no light...no depth...NOTHING behind that falsely protective shield  of burned out Baby-Blues.

This frightened me. Not because I was surprised that I was shutting down inside....but because I wasn't. No I had known that was happening for some time. But to actually SEE the process happening for myself, in real time lent more reality to the situation then I wanted to even try and comprehend. I had to shift gears and embrace the horror of my situation. I learned to actually LOVE and face the pain and hardship that was beginning to destroy me from within.

With that recognition and admission....I began to change and the way I chose to live changed as well. No matter the difficulty, the hurt or frustration...I now will draw myself towards the hardship and become it. I know somehow, someway there must be a higher purpose not only to life itself but to my life in particular and I was going to SHOW UP FOR IT even if it killed me in the process. 

Everything that I believed in from the time of my birth was challenged and eventually discarded. My FAITH was simply turned on it's head. I had a major problem believing that God would allow people to suffer for no reason. 

The way I worked through that one is I decided that God indeed had a reason for my suffering and that I was not always going to be privy to the answer. Because that information was often WAY above my pay-grade...so to speak. Today....I have learned to simply trust God...he knows the deal and all I have to do is to listen to his whispered direction, deep down in my heart...and FOLLOW.

It sounds simplistic, way to easy...yet it worked for me in this case and honestly, that was literally a Life-Saver for this long suffering SOUL.  Now the world is not always a kind, loving or happy place yet I know deep down that there is a higher purpose to this existence...pain, heart-ache and suffering included. Believe me, That goes a long, long way  in settling the troubled waters hiding just out of view...behind the BLUE MASK.