Good Morning...Judgement, Wrath and Retribution!

Vengeance...Retribution...Wrath...Judgement...It might sound as if I am pulling words out of an Old Testament Bible Scripture but alas, I am not. Those were and frankly still are relevant words to me in my own life's story when I once again began to think about forgiving the 3 men that assaulted and raped me as a 12 year old boy.

Forgiveness?! Are you out of your mind...there was a time, not long ago when I could visualize putting a bullet in the head of each one of those bastards...and feeling unsatisfied because they wouldn't have suffered enough! How is THAT for Vengeance, Retribution, Wrath and HATE for you? Me...their judge and jury? Damn right...I'd be their executioner....I wanted to make them PAY!

Funny thing is though..over the last 36 years...that unquenchable fire of rage, wrath, vengeance and hate was consuming only one person and doing them great emotional, psychological and yes...spiritual harm...and that person was ME.

A while back I wrote several posts throughout a few week period that dealt with this very subject of forgiveness. And as a result...I got closer and closer to that place in my heart where I might forgive them...I didn't...perhaps I couldn't, I don't know it doesn't much matter now: The bottom line is I did not forgive and as a result, I won't completely heal or even have a chance at healing until I do.

Forgiveness, as I have come to understand, intellectually at least...is for the FORGIVER...and in this particular case that would be ME. Why can't I do this? Why must I hold onto that HATE & ANGER so tightly that even in death, you probably could not pry my cold, dead fingers off of it!? Typically when confronted with a difficult task like this, unpleasant...emotionally hard...something I've needed to do to help my recovery, it has just taken a little time and I have been able to move forward. 

The prospect of forgiving those 3 guys seems different to me somehow. And I think FAITH or a lack there of has a great deal to do with it. Because...if I forgive them, the vengeful side of me seeks a guarantee that they WILL indeed be punished, that they will suffer like I have suffered. Well...God doesn't work that way, he won't make that promise to me...he owes me nothing. No...Romans 12:17-19 says: 

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do NOT take revenge, my dear friends but leave room for God's Wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" Says the Lord". 

Well that does seem fairly clear cut, doesn't it? And ultimately the bottom line is this: I know now that forgiveness is for ME, that I am the one who benefits the most for offering it unconditionally. The anger that boils deep inside of me will only destroy me in the end if I don't put it aside and FORGIVE. I do not want to be consumed by my own rage...I know very well how tormented one feels when they HATE all the time.I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling this tormented. I no longer want to be impaled on the Devil's Horn of HATE...certainly not for all eternity!

That being said...how do I go about forgiving them? I never knew any of them and except for that brief, violent encounter back in 1975...I had never even seen them before. I haven't seen any of the three since though at times in the late 70's I re-visited the scene of the crime several times...

Ultimately in my new faith I turned to the Bible to see what God said about forgiveness...Obviously, HE has a heck of a lot to say about it, as you might imagine and a great deal of it is about forgiving us our sins. But I was struck by a little something different that I saw in
Colossians 3:13...

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you".

Bang, Bang...KABOOM! There it was for all to see and finally I know had no choice but to forgive..."Forgive as the Lord has forgiven YOU (ME)". I no longer could argue anymore, could I? If God can forgive ME, considering ALL the things that I have said and done over nearly 50 years of living hard and exclusively for SELF at everyone else's expense...well then surely I can forgive. 

Granted I am not a rapist but the point was made...GOD gave HIS SON, his perfect SON in sacrifice so that he would DIE in my place for the forgiveness of my sins and yours...They were forgiven, forever...and it would be the height of selfishness and arrogance and stupidity for me to hold on to this flaming ball of hate any longer. So here we go: WARNING: The Following content is violent and GRAPHIC, read on knowing you will be reading about rape.

Hey...I don't know who you are. I never knew your names...I didn't want to and I still don't. The only detail I remember of any of you is an image burned into my memory's EYE                                 of your mocking, name screaming, raging faces of 36 years ago and oh yea...I can still smell your sweat, your after-shave, your fragrance of HATE and violence, I can feel you pulling my hair, trying rip it out of my scalp while one of you is kicking me repeatedly in the face, all the while I'm being raped, my head is continually smashed into a wall by a urinal...that is what I remember, that is my memory of YOU...You could all three be dead already for all I know and I honestly wouldn't care...or you could be living next door. I haven't a clue...and it doesn't mean ANYTHING really.

But I forgive you...each one of you...completely...no strings attached...I forgive you, you and you. I sincerely hope you found or find the LORD and find HIS forgiveness because honestly,that is the ONLY forgiveness that really matters. I can forgive you for what you did to me...but I can't forgive your SIN...only GOD can do that...and he will, if you ask him to. I won't make excuses for what you did...perhaps one of you or all three of you has suffered for what you have done, perhaps I wasn't the only one that night on your rampage of HATE...STILL, that doesn't matter...I forgive you.

It is my sincere hope...and prayer that those men find forgiveness...But I have no way of knowing if they will. But regardless I think that just maybe...I might have found something much more important today: PEACE.

Worth FIGHTING For!!

Sheesh...I'm not feeling like a very nice person right now. As a matter of fact I'm feeling some very conflicted, angry feelings though I'm not entirely sure that I feel OK about feeling this way tonight.


In my life today I try to be understanding about other people and the way they conduct themselves. I realize that people often are just trying to do the best they can and it may not be how I would do it or want them to do it. So I try to take this into account and accept people the way they are yet there are times when this philosophy...doesn't really work.


I have been very open about the fact that I really care about K-sue. It hasn't been a secret though our relationship was difficult to define for many a year. Even though there are still things to be worked out about "US"...we are a couple and I tend to be a very loyal kind of person...toward my friends, family...everyone who is important to me.


Well I wasn't sure I should even post this here on the SHOCK but I have decided to because it is rather important to me to share how I feel about what I consider to be a total injustice...I'll refrain from becoming TOO specific here and relating specific details but this won't be pretty....


I am angry and have been angry for a long time about the way certain people, including family members of Kim have treated her. I have often said she is the only person I know who based on what I CAN PERSONALLY SEE WITH MY OWN EYE'S, etc., who never seems to have received any loving positive support what so ever...in her entire life. She was and still is basically just told how stupid, incompetant or wrong she is...it is SHOCKING to say the least. And abusive...and quite frankly this BS is still going on to this day with games being played using public humiliation and a litany of other incredibly cruel behavior. I wouldn't have believed this if I was relying on somebody else to tell me but I have seen it and lived through it with her for over 6 years.


These family members and X family members have never hesitated to put her children DIRECTLY in the middle of very adult legal and personal disagreements (right into line of fire), using them as leverage to manipulate her into doing what they want. It is the sickest most controlling behavior I have EVER witnessed. Let's face it...most decent, loving human beings do everything in their power to keep the children OUT OF THIS KIND OF SITUATION and PROTECT them. It's sick and frankly I am tired of her being hurt....really tired of it.


So people wonder why the urgency to make certain changes for her in her life and OUR lives...well, now you KNOW. 


I know this post may come across as vindictive and mean-spirited but it isn't my intention to just throw fire...but I have watched this wonderful person, a beautiful spirit torn apart time and again and had to pick up the pieces...I won't be silent anymore. Since I have not been able to get involved personally for a lot of different reasons I have chosen to use the one forum open to me...this blog. It seems that other then a few people here and there and this just recently...that no one has EVER defended her...until NOW and this is the one way I can do it so here it is.


More then likely she is going to be upset with me for posting this...So Sorry Luv...it should have been done a LONG time ago and I feel totally responsible that I've waited until now to say something. It is a wrong and an injustice that needs to end right now, as in today And that may ONLY just begin to start to the process of healing that is LONG OVERDUE for my Special K-Sue.


So I hope that it is understood that I am reacting to an injustice and my heart is in the right place trying to defend Kim. I don't know if this post will help her in the long run or just stir up more dysfunctional manipulation, emotional instability & insanity,  hurtful outbursts and name-calling. I pray only that GOD has a  purpose for all of this and that he truly is in control.


I love you sweetheart...