I can just sense that there are regular readers out there that are starting to wonder if I write about anything other then Sexual Assault anymore. And the answer is of course I do...Just not this morning!
And the simple truth is that looking back at the end of my time here on earth, today may turn out to be one of if not THE most significant days in my healing from SA (Sexual Assault). Pretty big words there, huh?! That is saying something considering that I once believed just getting myself to talk about it at all was once as good as I thought I'd be able to get. And I have moved well past that down the healing road but there had been difficulties and there still are.
The last several days there are a multitude of posts on this subject but I will reference the first one and go from there. This post: "Waterfall Of Tears (Grace and Disgrace)" was inspired, for lack of a better word by a video sermon from Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church. Usually I do not really like most sermons I hear and I have never cared for one (though there haven't been that many really) I've heard on the subject of SA or child molestation. Honestly there are parts of this video I am not very comfortable with. In my mind "The Church" does a lousy job dealing with this subject.
And I don't blame them...it ain't an easy thing to discuss for anyone..particularly at the public level. Why would the institution of the Church have some special ability to cope with it that society at large doesn't...unless of course GOD himself personally intervenes...and frankly, I have not seen nor heard of that happening myself. So the bottom line it was unusual for me to be sitting at my desk listening to a 70 minute long sermon about a subject that I never really feel anyone is qualified to discuss anyway...unless of course they are a SA victim themselves.
Turns out the Pastor's wife, Grace was molested/sexually assaulted. Anyway...I was listening and a certain part of what I heard hit a nerve and I mean it hit it HARD...and in the process split the main waterline to my tear ducts because I just broke down listening to him describe a young woman who obviously hated herself for what had happened to her and the fact that her feelings and my feeling were so similar then and now.
So I started posting on the subject and in the process I sent the link to the video to my friend and Pastor Shayne. Most regular readers know that I have gone through a fair share of therapy, including extensive trauma therapy. Well in the course of writing all these posts and discussing this stuff it occurred to me that I have NEVER dealt with this subject of rape...of my rape on a purely, personal SPIRITUAL Level.
I emailed Shayne and asked him if we could perhaps discuss the subject and he agreed. That is what I am doing today at 10:30a this morning.
I...like a lot of people do wonder how a loving GOD can let stuff like this happen to people. Why would he? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose or is this just the manifestation of Man's free-will...and we are reaping what was SOWED!!
It became very obvious to me that I had not dealt with this from a spiritual perspective. That actually, when I got down right honest with myself about it...I had not dealt with this in a spiritual manner at all and now believe that it is way past time that I did. Perhaps that is why I periodically am still experiencing these "flare ups" where some thing (like a pastor's sermon on video) sets me off and for 3 or 4 days I am reliving everything again, questioning myself, asking GOD these impossible questions.
So that is what I am going to try and get at today. I have a very open and honest relationship with Shayne so I am comfortable talking with him about it but he does have a tendency to ask tough questions that sometime I struggle with but that is exactly what I need.
So I am going to my usual theology study at 8a this morning then head over to the church to meet with Shayne at 10:30a. We usually meet at a local coffee shop when we get together but I have requested meeting at the church in case it gets emotional...I think that's kind of a No-Brain-er actually.
So I am really kind of ready to go there spiritually and see what that leads me to....I'll update everyone at some point later on, it's a really full day!
Today I was watching an online video of a sermon a Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in the Seattle, WA Area gave as part of a series on marriage. The subject was sexual assault victims...after 14 years of marriage he discovered his wife Grace had been a victim of SA and hadn't really realized it. This marriage series is based on a Book/Sermon Series he wrote and she wrote this Chapter 7 on Sexual Assault called Grace and Disgrace.
I was watching the video and as I was, I typically tend to look at stuff dealing with rape/sexual assault with a rather wary and cynical eye...and watching this series was no different. 25 minutes in I thought it was a pretty good discussion of sexual assault and how it affects people...not earth shattering by any means but solid...I agreed with a lot of the back ground info he was giving on how SA victims historically react to what has
happened to them. He used a rather simple approach to label and describe each persona or role victims will play...saying they often will fall into one of 4 groups:
The Good Person- Overcompensating for the "BAD" that happened to them.
Overtly Religious Person- Similar to Good Person but more extreme with a spiritual bent
Party Person - Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me.
Tough Person - The experience of SA hardens them and they won't let Anything "touch" them again including emotions.
My experience over the years has led me to agree with his assessment for the most part. I have kind of seen these roles and how Rape victims have latched onto a certain persona...it (in our minds) protects us.
He had gotten to the third role, the Party Person and he started to talk about a young woman who 8-10 years ago had come to him for counseling about her being sexual assaulted/molested as a little girl. She was partying very hard and living on the edge ...a lot of un-protected sex, using hard drugs sometimes spending time with a rather HARD crowd. She was really trashing herself by the lifestyle she was living and really didn't seem to care. So he asked her why she was living this way...did she like it, wasn't she afraid?
And he said her answer was chilling...one of the most tragic things he'd ever heard in all the years he had counseled people. She replied: "Pastor Mark...I am a Dirty Girl and Dirty Girls to Dirty Things..." which was the same exact thing her Grandfather made her say every time he left her bedroom at night after he raped her.
I just lost it...I'm still losing it...I guess I'll always be losing it. I know exactly how she feels...so worthless, so much like a piece of garbage. Well 5 minutes after I heard that and I'm losing it...Kim comes walking in and I can't stop sobbing.
I am so damn tired of this rape memory and it's aftermath never going AWAY! I want it to disappear, OK...I've dealt with it a hundred freaking times why do I still HURT?! WHY!!??
I mean I'm OK but I'm not...or not ever going to be completely healed or it's always going to be there. I was not prepared for the water fall of tears...the terrible cascade of negative feelings pouring down all over me again.
That my friends is how this works sometimes. I have not really thought about the rape much lately...I mean it's always there in it's own way but I was not directly hurting about it right now but something like this which frankly was very positive and helpful just triggered this...and it wiped me out. I don't know who this woman is...all I know is 10 years ago she lived in Seattle, Washington but I suspect if I saw her...and could look into her eyes...I'd KNOW her.
Actually when it comes right down to it, I "KNOW" them ALL...
Vengeance...Retribution...Wrath...Judgement...It might sound as if I am pulling words out of an Old Testament Bible Scripture but alas, I am not. Those were and frankly still are relevant words to me in my own life's story when I once again began to think about forgiving the 3 men that assaulted and raped me as a 12 year old boy.
Forgiveness?! Are you out of your mind...there was a time, not long ago when I could visualize putting a bullet in the head of each one of those bastards...and feeling unsatisfied because they wouldn't have suffered enough! How is THAT for Vengeance, Retribution, Wrath and HATE for you? Me...their judge and jury? Damn right...I'd be their executioner....I wanted to make them PAY!
Funny thing is though..over the last 36 years...that unquenchable fire of rage, wrath, vengeance and hate was consuming only one person and doing them great emotional, psychological and yes...spiritual harm...and that person was ME.
A while back I wrote several posts throughout a few week period that dealt with this very subject of forgiveness. And as a result...I got closer and closer to that place in my heart where I might forgive them...I didn't...perhaps I couldn't, I don't know it doesn't much matter now: The bottom line is I did not forgive and as a result, I won't completely heal or even have a chance at healing until I do.
Forgiveness, as I have come to understand, intellectually at least...is for the FORGIVER...and in this particular case that would be ME. Why can't I do this? Why must I hold onto that HATE & ANGER so tightly that even in death, you probably could not pry my cold, dead fingers off of it!? Typically when confronted with a difficult task like this, unpleasant...emotionally hard...something I've needed to do to help my recovery, it has just taken a little time and I have been able to move forward.
The prospect of forgiving those 3 guys seems different to me somehow. And I think FAITH or a lack there of has a great deal to do with it. Because...if I forgive them, the vengeful side of me seeks a guarantee that they WILL indeed be punished, that they will suffer like I have suffered. Well...God doesn't work that way, he won't make that promise to me...he owes me nothing. No...Romans 12:17-19 says:
"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do NOT take revenge, my dear friends but leave room for God's Wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay" Says the Lord".
Well that does seem fairly clear cut, doesn't it? And ultimately the bottom line is this: I know now that forgiveness is for ME, that I am the one who benefits the most for offering it unconditionally. The anger that boils deep inside of me will only destroy me in the end if I don't put it aside and FORGIVE. I do not want to be consumed by my own rage...I know very well how tormented one feels when they HATE all the time.I don't want to go through the rest of my life feeling this tormented. I no longer want to be impaled on the Devil's Horn of HATE...certainly not for all eternity!
That being said...how do I go about forgiving them? I never knew any of them and except for that brief, violent encounter back in 1975...I had never even seen them before. I haven't seen any of the three since though at times in the late 70's I re-visited the scene of the crime several times...
Ultimately in my new faith I turned to the Bible to see what God said about forgiveness...Obviously, HE has a heck of a lot to say about it, as you might imagine and a great deal of it is about forgiving us our sins. But I was struck by a little something different that I saw in
Colossians 3:13...
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a
grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you".
Bang, Bang...KABOOM! There it was for all to see and finally I know had no choice but to forgive..."Forgive as the Lord has forgiven YOU (ME)". I no longer could argue anymore, could I? If God can forgive ME, considering ALL the things that I have said and done over nearly 50 years of living hard and exclusively for SELF at everyone else's expense...well then surely I can forgive.
Granted I am not a rapist but the point was made...GOD gave HIS SON, his perfect SON in sacrifice so that he would DIE in my place for the forgiveness of my sins and yours...They were forgiven, forever...and it would be the height of selfishness and arrogance and stupidity for me to hold on to this flaming ball of hate any longer. So here we go: WARNING: The Following content is violent and GRAPHIC, read on knowing you will be reading about rape.
Hey...I don't know who you are. I never knew your names...I didn't want to and I still don't. The only detail I remember of any of you is an image burned into my memory's EYE of your mocking, name screaming, raging faces of 36 years ago and oh yea...I can still smell your sweat, your after-shave, your fragrance of HATE and violence, I can feel you pulling my hair, trying rip it out of my scalp while one of you is kicking me repeatedly in the face, all the while I'm being raped, my head is continually smashed into a wall by a urinal...that is what I remember, that is my memory of YOU...You could all three be dead already for all I know and I honestly wouldn't care...or you could be living next door. I haven't a clue...and it doesn't mean ANYTHING really.
But I forgive you...each one of you...completely...no strings attached...I forgive you, you and you. I sincerely hope you found or find the LORD and find HIS forgiveness because honestly,that is the ONLY forgiveness that really matters. I can forgive you for what you did to me...but I can't forgive your SIN...only GOD can do that...and he will, if you ask him to. I won't make excuses for what you did...perhaps one of you or all three of you has suffered for what you have done, perhaps I wasn't the only one that night on your rampage of HATE...STILL, that doesn't matter...I forgive you.
It is my sincere hope...and prayer that those men find forgiveness...But I have no way of knowing if they will. But regardless I think that just maybe...I might have found something much more important today: PEACE.
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