Time...to Think: A Snap-Shot Into The Future

I don't really having a pressing topic on my mind and I realize that even though Shell Shock is suppose to be about my day to day life as a person in recovery...that it can still be quite uninteresting if I include ALL the details each day.


Most regular readers will probably at least recall me mentioning that I meet an individual once a week for Biblical Study, really it is informal training in Theology yet just because it is informal doesn't mean it's easy...it isn't. Well the two fellows I tend to meet on a weekly basis are both in Hawaii on a 3 week vacation so I have a little more free time on my hands this week.


I have spent a fair amount of time lately wondering what the future holds in store for Kim and I. We have been focusing a great deal on getting her moved here, finding employment, housing....etc. But I have my own future to think about as well.


Unfortunately when I think about my future, the thing that always dictates and dominates my thoughts is my health. Being disabled and having some physical limitations has been a very difficult challenge for me along with my recovery from addiction and healing the emotional scars of rape/sexual assault. And with the healing from rape being somewhat new, I am still learning  and trying my best not to fell overwhelmed by it.


That is one thing that is really frustrating for me...that an  event that took place over 37 years ago can still feel so fresh and raw, like it just happened last week.  


Yesterday in speaking with my Pastor, I expressed a desire to get into ministry...something we have talked about in general but never anything specific. I knew from previous discussions that there had been some talk about a possible additional ministry for families being started. I sort of feel like I made a fool out of myself expressing a desire to be considered. 


Foolish because I think the thought is literally for a Pastor with formal education or something along that lines. I realize that I am not always the most realistic person but I believe I actually bring a great deal of practical experience in family matters having raised two kids, at times as a single dad and then as a "blended" family with all the possible potential pitfalls that come with that kind of living arrangement.


I would assume the issue that my pastor  would have the most with me is my immaturity and inexperience as a Christian and there is not doubt that that is an issue with. I feel like I can be trained and mentored through and learn on the job...probably not a very appealing prospect to someone who is already extremely busy and has a church that has continued to grow and blossom over the last several years.


I have to learn to accept my place, my limitations and yes to be patient. That doesn't mean I cannot dream or prepare myself for something more in the future...no it just means that perhaps it isn't the "right" time in GODS world and that is something I have to stay aware of.


And so I will, I'll stay aware, I'll pray and meditate on what the right cvourse of action is for me. I don't think it's so much a matter of "what am I supposed to be doing" because I have been convinced for some time that GOD wants me giving ALL of myself to HIM, working to help others in any viable way that I can.


I am the one who wants to tie a neat bow around it and know all the specific details and those are the type of things I may not get to be privy too. But I know I want..er,I need...and that is to serve in any capacity that i possibly can.


That has actually been a contributing factor to some of my difficulty, my discouragement and frustration because my health has interfered with my ability to do these things like read at the nursing home or get involved in other practical ways.


But I too have turned that problem over to HIM and I'll do what I am capable of...that is just as important: do what you CAN, not what you think you should do. That doesn't always go well with my penchant for perfectionism but it is what it is.


So there is a snap shot into my recent thoughts on my future...what I would like to be able to do and the possible stumbling blocks that may get in the way.                               

YEARNING...To Fly: FAITH Part II

In Writing the post yesterday entitled - Faith and Perseverance: An Eternal Test  I stepped into an area of fresh fallen..."Virgin Snow" as it were. A subject, Faith that I had yet tried to tackle in any comprehensive way on SSS (Shell Shock Serenade).


My spiritual foundation, like any Christian, is based on Faith...I can't seem how it could be any other way. Yet true Faith (as defined): "Complete Trust or Confidence in someone or something" or "Belief and Trust in and Loyalty to God" is certainly NOT something that came easily to me, without conflict....on the contrary stepping back and trusting GOD, having Faith that all we be as he wills it to be and in HIS Time/Place is still a most foreign action to me. My natural tendency is to control everything that I can regardless of how much I mess things up. And yea, I inevitably MESS stuff up!


Bu I do my best...I certainly have to acknowledge the incredibly positive and profound events that have taken place in my life in the last several years. I have no doubt that GOD exists, that he looks over me and has helped me time and time again. So WHY do I find it so BLOODY difficult to let him have control and take over the "controls" of this roaring freight train I call my life? 


I only wish I knew the answer to that but it didn't take me long to realize that I was NOT alone in my struggle with FAITH. Lot's of struggle and I will continue to explore this subject in the next few posts....


(Photo: Kathy Tomson)
  

Battered & Bloody

Patti Smith is a poet, singer and song writer..who is probably most noted for her solo work during the Punk Era of the mid to late 1970's. She got her big break playing CGBG's and Max's Kansas City Clubs in NYC. She was notorious for saying "Jesus died for somebody's sins but he didn't die for mine" during a cover version of the band Them's song GLORIA  . I absolutely adored her back in those days for that kind of brave, rebellious giving of the FINGER to established organised religion...and because that is exactly how I felt about it as well. As a matter of fact I felt that way right up until I became a Christian in January of this year (2011). I guess I believed in Jesus...I just figured he didn't want anything to do with me..

Edgar Allen Poe

Smith has been one of my favorite performers and writers dating back to before I was in high school. She was the kind of person I looked up to in the years I spent in the so-called wilderness, after being beaten & raped in the mid 1970's. I was always interested in poets, artists, writers and those who were fiercely independant and original. I was usually drawn to tragic characters such as: Wilfred Owen,Jim Morrison of the Doors, Ernest Hemingway, Jack London, Edgar Allen Poe, Vincent Van Gogh and the like.

Vincent Van Gogh

Basically from the age of 12, these were the kind of folks I looked up to, idolized... I worshiped them really. Their lives, philosophies and work were the greatest influences on me at that time. I followed a pattern of admiring artists and famous people who had lead "tragic' lives right up until the time I became a Christian, just 10 months ago. At that young age, I started to formulate that philosophy of Self-Reliance that eventually morphed into my own religion of "SELF-WORSHIP" which I believed in faithfully right up until the time I tried to kill myself...I suppose my SELF-WORSHIP strategy/Philosophy had a few flaws, eh?!

When I think about all this today, I am a little bit surprised and embarressed really, that that I went so far in my hero-worshipof these other human beings...I had always prided myself on never NEEDING anyone other then myself yet I was idolizing these very flawed, tragic human beings...I had really felt strongly that I had made better choices then that during this time but obviously I believed more strongly in the abilities of MAN then I would let myself admit at the time.

If anyone is familiar with all of the people listed above then they can pretty easily make the connection between them: They are all artists of some sort...all but one died BEFORE their time...some very tragically like Hemingway shooting himself. Most were famous in their own time except Vincent Van Gogh, who did not achieve fame or fortune DURING his lifetime. Patti Smith is the only one still living, and she has had a fair amount of tragedy in her life but appears now to be healed, happy and thriving....and she is performing again after a 2 decade long hiatus raising a family in Detroit, MI.

I'm not exactly sure what I thought I could get or learn but no doubt there was something very powerful for me in my connection with this group of people. Perhaps it was their rebellion as manifest in their ART and in the way they lived their lives...they like myself all lived HARD, drank, did drugs and pushed themselves beyond the limits of human endurance...testing themselves in multitude of unusual situations. The bottom line here is in many ways I could relate to their alienation from the NORM.


I didn't want any part of a society that allowed 12 years old boys to get brutalized in a public place. I wanted the whole freaking world to go to Hell and I imagined that they (those artists listed above) did too. Their work, their art gave me the courage, the inspiration and motivation as it were to FLIP-OFF our society as whole: Religion, the Establishment, Government, Authority...you name it. It was taking the "let's love everyone" attitude of the  1960's and replacing it with my own F**K-OFF attitude of the 1970-1980's. That whole "screw you" philosophy and attitude matched up very nicely with this life based completely on my own self-satisfaction that I was already working on and perfecting in my day to day life. I was going to make EVERYONE pay for what happened to me...for ignoring me and MY PAIN.


I'll be honest...tonight...just NOW really, is the very first time that I have EVER been able to articulate these thoughts and feelings with any semblance of order. They have obviously been there for a long, long time...raging just below the surface but until now I couldn't possibly know what it was all supposed to mean. Now I'm starting to understand: to SEE...


Understand...that is how vast the chasm between the isolation, alienation, hate, resentment and fear that drove me for so many years like a HELL-HOUND on my trail and my recent surrender and redemption at the foot of the CROSS. Battered, bloody and hurting, I finally recognized that the real battle of life had already been fought...and WON for me and for all people willing to believe... right there on that very CROSS. And that my friends...for ME anyway, has made ALL the difference!