Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Faith and Perseverance: An ETERNAL Test.
I would have to say, at least as far as I can recall...that this is the first time I have experienced a situation (while sober in recovery) where my physical abilities: energy, alertness, stamina, strength, etc have undergone a collective and consistent deterioration from illness to such a degree that I con no longer adequately function, as I am beginning to feel at this very moment.
It has been a continuous, daily struggle for survival and I see no immediate sign of any relief.
At the risk of sounding or appearing overly dramatic, I can't help but feel like this is a true, GOD inspired test of FAITH, strength, character and determination...all lead first and foremost of course by FAITH. I just have never felt like I've faced such sustained and well coordinated adversity before...at least since I have been clean and sober in recovery, trying to live an inspired life for others.
It has been an all out fight right from the very beginning because I usually can scrounge up the physical well being and strength to keep going. Recently however...because of the lack of sleep, my inability to stay awake and alert, my ability to carry out my existing ministry commitments has been seriously affected but so far we have been able to meet and follow through on most of them so far.
That is really the most frustrating part of all this and the one area where I am not sure that most readers will be able to understand my point of view. Because I had felt so worthless, so unproductive and disconnected all these years...I have really found great JOY and YES, even REDEMPTION in this new found ability and desire of mine to lead and carry out activities, whose sole reason for existence are to HELP others. I cannot begin to describe how powerfully doing this work has changed me for the better as a person. And as a result it has affected every single aspect of my life, without exception...for the better.
All that being said, I am now dealing with the very real prospect of having my ability to function, to do these things...taken away from me due to illness. And that indeed is dis-heartening and it really discourages me..it tests my faith right at the very core of it's existence.
This is where it truly starts to feel like the very CORE of my FAITH is being challenged and affected every single day. But I understand that everything I do today is a result of GOD's wonderful GRACE in taking pity on me in the first place and helping me out of the pit o sorrow and heart-ache that I once called my LIFE. I know that just as easily I can see all of that taken away and face new and even greater challenges in the days, weeks and months ahead.
I just pray that I am ready for whatever may pass and whatever might come my way....