Time...to Think: A Snap-Shot Into The Future

I don't really having a pressing topic on my mind and I realize that even though Shell Shock is suppose to be about my day to day life as a person in recovery...that it can still be quite uninteresting if I include ALL the details each day.


Most regular readers will probably at least recall me mentioning that I meet an individual once a week for Biblical Study, really it is informal training in Theology yet just because it is informal doesn't mean it's easy...it isn't. Well the two fellows I tend to meet on a weekly basis are both in Hawaii on a 3 week vacation so I have a little more free time on my hands this week.


I have spent a fair amount of time lately wondering what the future holds in store for Kim and I. We have been focusing a great deal on getting her moved here, finding employment, housing....etc. But I have my own future to think about as well.


Unfortunately when I think about my future, the thing that always dictates and dominates my thoughts is my health. Being disabled and having some physical limitations has been a very difficult challenge for me along with my recovery from addiction and healing the emotional scars of rape/sexual assault. And with the healing from rape being somewhat new, I am still learning  and trying my best not to fell overwhelmed by it.


That is one thing that is really frustrating for me...that an  event that took place over 37 years ago can still feel so fresh and raw, like it just happened last week.  


Yesterday in speaking with my Pastor, I expressed a desire to get into ministry...something we have talked about in general but never anything specific. I knew from previous discussions that there had been some talk about a possible additional ministry for families being started. I sort of feel like I made a fool out of myself expressing a desire to be considered. 


Foolish because I think the thought is literally for a Pastor with formal education or something along that lines. I realize that I am not always the most realistic person but I believe I actually bring a great deal of practical experience in family matters having raised two kids, at times as a single dad and then as a "blended" family with all the possible potential pitfalls that come with that kind of living arrangement.


I would assume the issue that my pastor  would have the most with me is my immaturity and inexperience as a Christian and there is not doubt that that is an issue with. I feel like I can be trained and mentored through and learn on the job...probably not a very appealing prospect to someone who is already extremely busy and has a church that has continued to grow and blossom over the last several years.


I have to learn to accept my place, my limitations and yes to be patient. That doesn't mean I cannot dream or prepare myself for something more in the future...no it just means that perhaps it isn't the "right" time in GODS world and that is something I have to stay aware of.


And so I will, I'll stay aware, I'll pray and meditate on what the right cvourse of action is for me. I don't think it's so much a matter of "what am I supposed to be doing" because I have been convinced for some time that GOD wants me giving ALL of myself to HIM, working to help others in any viable way that I can.


I am the one who wants to tie a neat bow around it and know all the specific details and those are the type of things I may not get to be privy too. But I know I want..er,I need...and that is to serve in any capacity that i possibly can.


That has actually been a contributing factor to some of my difficulty, my discouragement and frustration because my health has interfered with my ability to do these things like read at the nursing home or get involved in other practical ways.


But I too have turned that problem over to HIM and I'll do what I am capable of...that is just as important: do what you CAN, not what you think you should do. That doesn't always go well with my penchant for perfectionism but it is what it is.


So there is a snap shot into my recent thoughts on my future...what I would like to be able to do and the possible stumbling blocks that may get in the way.