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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Not thinks.

Have I been busy? Yea but I usually am so that's really nothing new. I've had ample opportunity to write but frankly I just haven't much to say.

When I started blogging I didn't realize that I would very quickly start to feel obligated to write something pretty much every day. And for a time that is exactly what I tried to do.....and the blogs became somewhat if not mostly uninteresting, even to me.

Even now I can't really define what I was trying to achieve in writing this blog. I assumed that I would capture my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. and just take it from there. At the very least I would have a bit 'o fun and and hopefully improve my limited writing ability. Along the way, I also threw in some fiction that I had been dabbling with, throwing it against the wall as it were, just to see if it might stick.

In considering all this, I realize that I am writing a blog that has no singular, defined, specific purpose and perhaps it would be better if I narrowed down what I am trying to do here to a specific set of goals, it might prove more interesting, at least to some.

But that is exactly what I was trying to avoid when I started.  What I really wanted to try and capture was the wonderfully haphazard way in which I process what I see, what I experience, feel, hear, get the drift. And sadly, I haven't really come close to achieving anything close to that up to this point. It bothers me because I was certain that "IT" existed, that there truly was something there worth writing about...

Then I realized that the problem was that I have been holding back. I haven't been honest in my attempt to capture the truth as I experience it. I was intellectually and emotionally censuring my own work, basically out of fear of what people would think. Fear that if I did people would see me as I really am and perhaps I wasn't truly ready to do that. And there lies the rub....

For this blog to be true to my vision, to represent TRUTH as I experience, feel and think it, I have to be courageous enough to say what's on my mind w/out worrying about the reaction of others to it. And perhaps better yet, say it and challenge others to respond to it no matter what. I simply wasn't confident enough and if I am to continue I must not worry about the reaction, instead focus on what I can thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc.

Well now, that feels a bit better getting that big 'ole hear turd of outta the way! I could not figure out why I was not feeling good about this blog...and now I know: It wasn't honest and that just wasn't going to work for me. I have decided that If I am going to continue this endeavor that from this point on I have to remove the restraints of fear and be my caustic, sarcastic, loving, humorous, opinionated self, warts and all. Some folks won't like it but hey, that's the way it has to be.

And so, I will begin again and see where it takes me....

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