As any regular reader of Shell Shock knows, when I write I rarely hold anything back. Nothing is sacred. I have without a doubt shared just about every dark secret or skeleton in my closet with the entire world via the blog over the last several years. Brutal, unrestrained honesty is not only a requirement for contributing to this blog...it also is an absolutely critical part of my daily recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. Only straight-up honesty heals the wounds of that past life.
Regular readers are also aware of the fact that after writing several posts a day for the last 4 years years, basically without missing a single day that I now can go for a week or more without posting at all....a very drastic change in writing habits.
As an explanation I have used my illnesses and writers block among other things but sitting here tonight watching HBO's coverage of RUSH getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I just now realized that the truth may be more difficult to admit and define...perhaps even a bit sinister.
I honestly think I'm not writing in Shell Shock Serenade because I do not want to tell the truth about myself and my feeling's right now. As a matter of fact...I'm certain of it.
I imagine that I will deal with the full truth about this subject in the very near future but let's just say I have become disillusioned with the organized aspect of my FAITH...I feel betrayed. I think there are some people I trusted and looked to for support and friendship who are phony and take advantage of people and have betrayed the sacred trust of confidence.
I'm angry and upset because I thought I found a group of people who were mostly genuine and the reality couldn't be further from the Truth. I feel judged, lied to and stupid for ever thinking this church could be different. Nope...they are just the same in many ways to the church leadership of Jesus's Time..the Pharisee's.
A very harsh comparison, I realize but that is the way it makes me feel.
I'll elaborate more next time.....until then, so long!
So sad to hear about your disappointment. I could write you an essay (perhaps a book) about my own love-hate relationship over the years with the Catholic Church, but I guess it is not difficult to understand why one would be disappointed with that one. I teetered between devout belief and practice, and my own inability to adhere to some of its principles. I am very black-and-white when it comes to these things and cannot half-ass religion. I felt like I either had to betray the Church, or myself. After years of bending my own principles, I finally dispensed with it when I divorced my husband. I will always respect that institution because I know what it gave me, but I simply cannot be part of it anymore.
ReplyDeleteBut the thing is, I think that every church is a social organization at bottom, just like a school or a company or a group of friends or a country. There is office politics, there are some bad eggs, there is greed and malice, and there are those that are there for the right reasons. We have higher moral expectations from religious institutions/groups (how could we not?), but perhaps we shouldn't.
My point is, even if you are disappointed with the organization, the organization is not your faith, and your faith is what matters. A tough time to rethink things, but you know what your priorities are and I'm sure you will pull through.
Of course Chris, you hit the nail on the head. It is one's faith that really matters, not what other people think. I have never lost site of that and that is what I believed through all those years of addiction...that organized religion was BAD, it was a creation of man to control other men through intimidation, peer pressure and guilt. I had hoped I found something different this time around with this church. I was wrong and I felt hurt & mislead when I discovered that some people weren't what they seemed. My BAD for being too trusting....won't happen again.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your feedback as always it was thoughtful and provocative.