Yesterday, Kimmi posted this pic on her Facebook Page and mentioned we were out for some therapeutic Shooting of firearms to blow of steam and relieve stress. I completely agree with that assessment of what we were doing and you know what my friends? It worked....in SPADES. Of course it didn't hurt my recently worn-down ego and sense of self when a friend in Arizona commented that I looked like a "Real Bad-A$$!" haha. What can I say...I love'd it and in addition to making me laugh and smile (very rare occurrence during these super dark days of this medical nightmare I'm currently living) but it just made me feel good.
We went out to a buddies property north-west of here (interestingly...right across the street from the church the 3 of us attend) and spent a little over an hour shooting a variety of firearms. What fun. This little experience was significant in another way as well. Kim typically has been quite fearful of guns and afraid to even touch them (even with the help of an ex-cop guiding and teaching her the proper safety procedures for handling, shooting and storing of the various guns).
So imagine my surprise when I mentioned to her that we got an invitation to go out and shoot and she not only agreed to tag along but said she really wanted to learn to shoot. I honestly think her decision was based on "if you can't beat them join them) or (When in Rome do as the Romans do) because quite frankly ALL of our friends these days Shoot and own firearms.
This opportunity to go out doors for some quality friendship and shooting time also happened to come at a very significant time, something I know my buddy was well aware of when he asked me about going yesterday morning.
I was scheduled to be in the hospital yesterday recovering from a follow-up surgery on Tuesday and then a few days stay while they put in a PIC Line for 6 weeks of out-patient IV-Anti-Biotic Treatments daily at a local transfusion Center. What Happened? Honestly I really don't want to share the the true reason we weren't in Kalamazoo at Bronson Methodist Hospital but this blog is about LIFE...Real-Life of a recovering alcoholic/addict.
The truth is we did not have the money (any money actually) for gas to drive the hour and a half each way to the hospital or so Kim could grab a bite to eat while she stayed with me the following days. It's really sad but that is the reality of this situation. So you can see why I for one was really in need of some time to play and just enjoy the moment for a change.
That is about all I want to say about the recent difficulty and hardship of recent times except the following. This post is about good times with friends and spending some time out of doors. I do think the severity of this winter with it's heavy snowfalls, high winds and many nights of sub-zero temps contributed to the hardship I was experiencing. I am a person that really needs to spend time out of doors and when I can't I begin to feel imprisoned. Being unable to walk the majority of that time, requiring the use of a Knee Walker and later a wheeled Walker limited me even more and contributed to the ever growing notion in my head that I was trapped forever and never going to heal.
So in addition to the extreme physical pain & hardship of this recovery period, It was a rough Psychological experience as well....the good thing going for me even at that time was I knew all this and could mentally and physically prepare for it as best I could. And though it was still difficult...it helped.
Even though I am still fighting this nasty infection...the physical recovery of the ankle/leg itself is going well. I have more mobility (as far as being able to walk and move around) then I did last year, that's for sure.
And that is why I continue to push forward and try to keep my chin up...I know it can get better. It is so easy to fall into the trap of despair...and I have along the way during this recent journey. It has challenged me spiritually to the point where If I am being honest i have to say that I am questioning GOD here...whether he exists...if so what possible purpose, after all I have suffered through with my addiction, being sexually assaulted and raped as a boy, past and current medical hardship and last but not least...this financial catastrophe.
Especially in light of all that I have become and tried to do over the last 7 plus years or so after getting clean/sober. It looks as if my life was more stable, productive and yes even happy when I was in the throes of my active addiction then I am now as a Christian with nearly 8 years of sobriety...actively helping others each and every day of my life. So what gives?
I just don't understand it...I want to believe in HIM, to trust Him....but I am getting my A$$ Kicked constantly from all sides during this ordeal. I haven't a clue how to handle this....