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Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Paying The Price....For TRUTH

The real search for TRUTH in my life began at the age of 44 and started with the simple yet nearly impossible task of just being honest with myself. Being honest about who & what I was, an Alcoholic/Addict, an attempted suicide failure and a survivor of Sexual Assault. In reality that nearly "impossible" task turned out to be the "easy" part...learning to live honestly and be accountable for my behavior on a 24/7, all the freaking time basis was truly the hard part.

And though it's been nearly 8 years since that day I initially got sober and 4 years since publicly acknowledging that I had been raped as a boy I can still find it somewhat difficult to talk about at times. It is an intense and emotional experience every time I go over certain aspects of those events. I nearly lost my life to suicide and though getting clean/sober changed my life incredibly toward the good....getting there was a harrowing and life (and sanity) threatening ordeal....I shall never ever forget that.

So the issue of how do I continue to live my life after all of that began to concern me, actually it was more like haunting the hell out of me if I want to tell the truth. And much to my surprise and chagrin...the simple act of telling the truth in ALL aspects of my being had become more and more important.

Telling the truth did not and does not come natural to me...I had grown accustomed to lying , even when I had no apparent reason to do so. Lying and dishonesty bring a corrosive atmosphere to any relationship...dishonesty is the DESTROYER of relationships...all Four Horseman of the Apocalypse rolled into one. This corrosive nature attacks trust, love, good listening skills and communication among other things. It becomes a habit that rules one's life completely. I was living a lie and incapable of knowing what the simple truth about myself was.

That is why it was so critical to come around full circle & face the truth about myself....WARTS and ALL.

After the initial difficulty of facing one's demon's on a daily basis this not only started to come  more easily to me but I began to  feel much better about ME. It became second nature for me to open up about my past and share details of my past. At that point I noticed that some folks were very moved by my openness and honesty. They encouraged me to do more and so I blogged about it and became very comfortable DOING SO.

What I did not account for or take into consideration was the fact that some folks were not and would never be comfortable hearing someone speak this plainly about those subjects. And they didn't know how to react so they kept me at arms distance and by the very nature of their reaction they ended up ostracizing me. This became particularly true at my church and in all honesty, I understand how that happens and I harbor no ill feelings toward anyone who may feel uncomfortable with this level of honesty and type of subject matter.

What does bother me though is there are a couple individuals whom I have grown to know and trust. They are what I considered very close friends, it is somewhat of a cliche yet it is also  true, they have become brothers. And that is why their reaction to me so painful. communication and just a feeling that they somehow don't like me anymore. I was surprised yet sadly, deep down it is what I have come to expect from people. 

Perhaps there will come a day in the not so distant future when that will no longer be the case. Until then, my friends...

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