Shred The Dread

Yea let's do it...let us chop into tiny little (figurative) pieces any semblance of a notion that one can coast through this life without giving it any thought or effort. No way that happens though people act as if they don't try and are just going through the motions. Even if they were able to succeed they would lose 'cause that is NO freaking way to live, period.


No this life can ONLY be deemed worthwhile if someone embraces it, lives it and even smothers themselves (I know a rather unfortunate use of the language where a former suicide attempt is involved) in it. You must jump in it with both feet and go all the way...half-assing it, well that won't cut it in this big bad world. Playing it "safe" will just get you hurt MORE in this scenario....I just believe that...I truly do.  Experience was a very good teacher in THIS regard!


The issue that was and potentially IS difficult for me is living the very FULLEST kind of life, pushing the envelope as it were for me, always...and I mean ALWAYS involved drink and  drugs. It couldn't be done sober as far as I knew...I didn't know how. Odd though...I have no physical craving today for booze, etc. But I can and sometime do have an intellectual craving for a drink...actually the craving isn't for a drink...nope, it's for OBLIVION. That ia the draw... OBLIVION, total chaos...pushing it until it cannot be pushed any more.


This illustrates my point...the neighbors a few houses down from us are having a huge, casual get together right now...dozens of adults with their children in tow have gathered, they are boating, throwing the all around listening to music, swimming, etc and drinking of course. I look at that and it looks fun. I do not automatically switch my mind over to what drinking realistically looks like for me. It has a darker, harder more sinister edge to it. It usually is invisible to others as well....meaning it would look like I am having a good time just like everyone else is but inside something completely else would be going on.


I drink like a forest fire burns... uncontrollably UNTIL it runs out of FUEL (booze). Except I would then pick my drunken ass up and move to another, untouched patch forest and start burning uncontrollably again. I suspect that when a true alcoholic gets a DUI...he is trying to do just that...move to another forest to keep the party "burning" awhile longer. Somehow in our minds we can't EVER let a good party  END...no way.


Not sure how to live life to the fullest SOBER but that has been what the last 6 years have been about...learning how to accomplish that and other tasks. And to a certain extent I have. It 'tis a work in progress, I shall admit and there are times that the "learning" is part of the adventure but there is some truth to the old adage that: "Adventures SUCK while you are having them" and that can be so true because learning to live w/out booze often feels like work (or punishment).


To find out how one's life changes in recovery and developing new routines and finding activities that don't include drink are an absolute necessity to having a successful life in recovery. I have seen far too many people stumble on this aspect of their sobriety. They either try and live their old lifestyle and just not drink (no chance this EVER works because they are way too miserable all the time, their love one's eventually are begging them to drink again!) or they just aren't willing to try new things and they start feeling sorry for themselves.


I think I was fortunate that things were SO BAD when I quit because I never honestly believed I would be able to drink again...I knew what I was so I never thought about it any other way...it was purely a matter of survival for me and it still is. And so far...one single day at a time that has been a successful formula for this alcoholic/addict.

All in All: The Beginning & The END

I am the type of person who tends to self-evaluate quite frequently...looking to see how I am acting, how I treat others, etc. I always was that way to a degree but since I have been in recovery I do it even more...much more.


Lately I have been going through some difficulty with my health that any casual reader here at the Shock would be  aware of. Because of that I've really wanted to see how I am really feeling about my self, my life and just things in general.


In addition to all my "self-created" or "man-made" issues..being in recovery as an addict, being a rape survivor and a suicide survivor...I'm turning freaking 50 this year, haha! Half a dang century...who woulda thunk it, eh?! Jeez I pretty much am at the age where I'm gonna need a walker to get around!!


Now...I am joking around here a bit but in all seriousness, aging is part of life and some folks really struggle with it. Getting older, losing their hair, their sex drive and physical abilities in general....Now I have not felt or thought that I was having any kind of problem with living as long as I have. I certainly didn't expect to-----that's a cliche but for me I really didn't expect to see 50. I knew the life style I was living was NOT healthy. I knew I was MOCKING life with every breath yet live I continued to do...ME, the human toxic waste-land and all.


But I am not the least bit psyched out by being 50, being a grandfather (one of my life's GREATEST JOYS)...I just am not one to put a lot of emphasis on the physical: appearance, age...I think in many ways YOUTH...as it were can be deceiving...it's a state of mind really. You are as young , vibrant and active as you set your mind to be. I truly believe that and the realities of my own life have proven that to me.


I enjoy life more today then ever before. Is it different? Oh yea, sure it is! It is a very different, totally unexpected kind of             life...today the spiritual aspect of life, my connection to the Creator is the
 BEGINNING and the END of everything for me. Without it, I am NOTHING...this I know with all  my heart. The certainty of that brings great comfort and confidence...surely enhancing everything that I do and that I am.

"It Was Way Too Easy To Lie...Man!"

I have made it clear through out posts here on The SHOCK that I was less then honest during those days of drinking and active drug addiction. The old cliche most certainly applied to me that i was "living a lie". It would have been impossible for me to maintain the lifestyle that I lived without lying. And once I started to lie it became a regular occurance, it was easier then having to explain my actions.

I was raised to be honest, to be forthcoming...to tell the truth. Somewhere during the pre-teen years and yes, probably coinciding with the time of the rape at age 12, it became almost second nature for me to lie. Certainly, I figured there were legitimate reasons to not "tell everything", the rape being the obvious one but I have NO recall of thinking that consciously. No I just avoided telling the truth...and that naturally led to lying about most everything else I was or wasn't doing at the time.

It was at age 12 that I started smoking pot & drinking more frequently. That was no coincidence, of course. I was already trying to drink and drug the memory of that HORROR away...and I certainly wasn't going to be open and honest about that. Who would I tell? No one would believe me anyway. I also lost my virginity to a older girl from my church youth group around that very same time and I sure as heck wasn't going to come clean about that either...

I had started to live a life style that violated the values I was taught as a young child and that had been reinforced not only by my parents, grandmother and family but my the Episcopal Church I had attended all my life. But instead of taking a look at my life choices and changing my behavior...I left the church, defied my parents and relied more and more on dope and booze to help erase the memory of what HAD happened to me and of what WAS happening to me as a result of my actions.

All of this happened before I became a teenager. And even more troubling was that I had learned not only how to lie but how to act as if everything was OK when it was definately NOT OK. I learned to FAKE it...life that is...I was convinced that I was doing what I had to do...that no one else could possibly understand and I had to take action and do something. And because of the lying and hiding the real truth about me, nobody around me really knew that things were that bad for me. No I was just a pre-teen who had issues like all boys did at that age. I didn't appear any different then the rest really. But I was...

And that was intentional...I didn't want anyone to know that I honestly thought I was doing the "adult" thing by dealing with all of this myself and not letting anyone else know or be bothered by it. I didn't want my mother to be hurt...she would have been devastated if she had any idea of what went down at that time. And I would have felt humiliated if my father had known about the rape...He would never have understood and probably would not understand even today.

And that was a very big TABOO subject for me being a male and I never even came close to telling anyone about it until decades later. Lying about my life and how I was doing became a much easier alternative to the truth...the truth HURT too much....way too much.

Even today, now that I have come clean about these things, my parents still do not know the details of what happened to me and that has been a conscious choice by THEM and by me. They know something went down, they know I am willing to talk to them about it anytime but they have asked me not to tell them and I've honored their wishes. Honestly, today after everything that I have experienced it would be my choice to tell them. It would be easier FOR ME then not saying anything but the right thing for me to do is respect their choice, no matter that it is harder that way on me.

This whole subject of telling lies is complex and because I lived a life of lies for so long it has literally taken years to sort out the fact from fiction. And that process will continue for a long time to come...probably the rest of my life. The key is that I am still willing to change and live an open and honest life. And I am willing, one day at a time to do that....and that my friends, is where you have to start: Willingness. 

(Paintings: Vincent Van Gogh)