Shred The Dread

Yea let's do it...let us chop into tiny little (figurative) pieces any semblance of a notion that one can coast through this life without giving it any thought or effort. No way that happens though people act as if they don't try and are just going through the motions. Even if they were able to succeed they would lose 'cause that is NO freaking way to live, period.


No this life can ONLY be deemed worthwhile if someone embraces it, lives it and even smothers themselves (I know a rather unfortunate use of the language where a former suicide attempt is involved) in it. You must jump in it with both feet and go all the way...half-assing it, well that won't cut it in this big bad world. Playing it "safe" will just get you hurt MORE in this scenario....I just believe that...I truly do.  Experience was a very good teacher in THIS regard!


The issue that was and potentially IS difficult for me is living the very FULLEST kind of life, pushing the envelope as it were for me, always...and I mean ALWAYS involved drink and  drugs. It couldn't be done sober as far as I knew...I didn't know how. Odd though...I have no physical craving today for booze, etc. But I can and sometime do have an intellectual craving for a drink...actually the craving isn't for a drink...nope, it's for OBLIVION. That ia the draw... OBLIVION, total chaos...pushing it until it cannot be pushed any more.


This illustrates my point...the neighbors a few houses down from us are having a huge, casual get together right now...dozens of adults with their children in tow have gathered, they are boating, throwing the all around listening to music, swimming, etc and drinking of course. I look at that and it looks fun. I do not automatically switch my mind over to what drinking realistically looks like for me. It has a darker, harder more sinister edge to it. It usually is invisible to others as well....meaning it would look like I am having a good time just like everyone else is but inside something completely else would be going on.


I drink like a forest fire burns... uncontrollably UNTIL it runs out of FUEL (booze). Except I would then pick my drunken ass up and move to another, untouched patch forest and start burning uncontrollably again. I suspect that when a true alcoholic gets a DUI...he is trying to do just that...move to another forest to keep the party "burning" awhile longer. Somehow in our minds we can't EVER let a good party  END...no way.


Not sure how to live life to the fullest SOBER but that has been what the last 6 years have been about...learning how to accomplish that and other tasks. And to a certain extent I have. It 'tis a work in progress, I shall admit and there are times that the "learning" is part of the adventure but there is some truth to the old adage that: "Adventures SUCK while you are having them" and that can be so true because learning to live w/out booze often feels like work (or punishment).


To find out how one's life changes in recovery and developing new routines and finding activities that don't include drink are an absolute necessity to having a successful life in recovery. I have seen far too many people stumble on this aspect of their sobriety. They either try and live their old lifestyle and just not drink (no chance this EVER works because they are way too miserable all the time, their love one's eventually are begging them to drink again!) or they just aren't willing to try new things and they start feeling sorry for themselves.


I think I was fortunate that things were SO BAD when I quit because I never honestly believed I would be able to drink again...I knew what I was so I never thought about it any other way...it was purely a matter of survival for me and it still is. And so far...one single day at a time that has been a successful formula for this alcoholic/addict.