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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

"It Was Way Too Easy To Lie...Man!"

I have made it clear through out posts here on The SHOCK that I was less then honest during those days of drinking and active drug addiction. The old cliche most certainly applied to me that i was "living a lie". It would have been impossible for me to maintain the lifestyle that I lived without lying. And once I started to lie it became a regular occurance, it was easier then having to explain my actions.

I was raised to be honest, to be tell the truth. Somewhere during the pre-teen years and yes, probably coinciding with the time of the rape at age 12, it became almost second nature for me to lie. Certainly, I figured there were legitimate reasons to not "tell everything", the rape being the obvious one but I have NO recall of thinking that consciously. No I just avoided telling the truth...and that naturally led to lying about most everything else I was or wasn't doing at the time.

It was at age 12 that I started smoking pot & drinking more frequently. That was no coincidence, of course. I was already trying to drink and drug the memory of that HORROR away...and I certainly wasn't going to be open and honest about that. Who would I tell? No one would believe me anyway. I also lost my virginity to a older girl from my church youth group around that very same time and I sure as heck wasn't going to come clean about that either...

I had started to live a life style that violated the values I was taught as a young child and that had been reinforced not only by my parents, grandmother and family but my the Episcopal Church I had attended all my life. But instead of taking a look at my life choices and changing my behavior...I left the church, defied my parents and relied more and more on dope and booze to help erase the memory of what HAD happened to me and of what WAS happening to me as a result of my actions.

All of this happened before I became a teenager. And even more troubling was that I had learned not only how to lie but how to act as if everything was OK when it was definately NOT OK. I learned to FAKE that is...I was convinced that I was doing what I had to do...that no one else could possibly understand and I had to take action and do something. And because of the lying and hiding the real truth about me, nobody around me really knew that things were that bad for me. No I was just a pre-teen who had issues like all boys did at that age. I didn't appear any different then the rest really. But I was...

And that was intentional...I didn't want anyone to know that I honestly thought I was doing the "adult" thing by dealing with all of this myself and not letting anyone else know or be bothered by it. I didn't want my mother to be hurt...she would have been devastated if she had any idea of what went down at that time. And I would have felt humiliated if my father had known about the rape...He would never have understood and probably would not understand even today.

And that was a very big TABOO subject for me being a male and I never even came close to telling anyone about it until decades later. Lying about my life and how I was doing became a much easier alternative to the truth...the truth HURT too much....way too much.

Even today, now that I have come clean about these things, my parents still do not know the details of what happened to me and that has been a conscious choice by THEM and by me. They know something went down, they know I am willing to talk to them about it anytime but they have asked me not to tell them and I've honored their wishes. Honestly, today after everything that I have experienced it would be my choice to tell them. It would be easier FOR ME then not saying anything but the right thing for me to do is respect their choice, no matter that it is harder that way on me.

This whole subject of telling lies is complex and because I lived a life of lies for so long it has literally taken years to sort out the fact from fiction. And that process will continue for a long time to come...probably the rest of my life. The key is that I am still willing to change and live an open and honest life. And I am willing, one day at a time to do that....and that my friends, is where you have to start: Willingness. 

(Paintings: Vincent Van Gogh)

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