All in All: The Beginning & The END

I am the type of person who tends to self-evaluate quite frequently...looking to see how I am acting, how I treat others, etc. I always was that way to a degree but since I have been in recovery I do it even more...much more.


Lately I have been going through some difficulty with my health that any casual reader here at the Shock would be  aware of. Because of that I've really wanted to see how I am really feeling about my self, my life and just things in general.


In addition to all my "self-created" or "man-made" issues..being in recovery as an addict, being a rape survivor and a suicide survivor...I'm turning freaking 50 this year, haha! Half a dang century...who woulda thunk it, eh?! Jeez I pretty much am at the age where I'm gonna need a walker to get around!!


Now...I am joking around here a bit but in all seriousness, aging is part of life and some folks really struggle with it. Getting older, losing their hair, their sex drive and physical abilities in general....Now I have not felt or thought that I was having any kind of problem with living as long as I have. I certainly didn't expect to-----that's a cliche but for me I really didn't expect to see 50. I knew the life style I was living was NOT healthy. I knew I was MOCKING life with every breath yet live I continued to do...ME, the human toxic waste-land and all.


But I am not the least bit psyched out by being 50, being a grandfather (one of my life's GREATEST JOYS)...I just am not one to put a lot of emphasis on the physical: appearance, age...I think in many ways YOUTH...as it were can be deceiving...it's a state of mind really. You are as young , vibrant and active as you set your mind to be. I truly believe that and the realities of my own life have proven that to me.


I enjoy life more today then ever before. Is it different? Oh yea, sure it is! It is a very different, totally unexpected kind of             life...today the spiritual aspect of life, my connection to the Creator is the
 BEGINNING and the END of everything for me. Without it, I am NOTHING...this I know with all  my heart. The certainty of that brings great comfort and confidence...surely enhancing everything that I do and that I am.