It has been almost a week since I had the last of the tests done to verify that I am clear me of the infection and to get a most recent C/T Scan of the Tibia injury so the Doc can know what's going on in there. But I still have not heard anything back about the results and scheduling the surgery so tomorrow I will need to call them and find out what's up for myself.
Needless to say that after dealing with the original ankle injury/surgery and subsequent infection since early March of this year, (That's 6 FREAKIN" months folks!!) I am more then impatient and I want answers and results. And NO I do not think that is asking too much...it's been 6 f***ing months already...c'mon!
The truly odd and funny thing is in reality part of me really doesn't want to get on with it because I am fearful about the outcome. Even if everything thing goes exactly as planned it is going to be extremely difficult, time consuming and painful for a really long, long time.
Plus I need to give the Doc permission to remove my right leg 6" below my knee if he get's in there and finds that it is much worse then we expect and realistically that could happen. So I have to feel comfortable with that decision or we will have to go through the entire surgical and decision making process all over again and I do not want to go there...PERIOD!
I have to admit I do NOT want to lose my leg....now that may not surprise anyone but in some ways this whole thing would be much easier, less painful and much shorter in duration if I just chose amputation out-right from the very beginning. But in my heart I am just NOT there. I am OK making the decision to take it of if once he is in there he sees that it is such a freaking MESS that amputation is the ONLY reasonable choice. But I am not ready to go there if it looks like we might be able to make a Fusion work.
So Tomorrow I'll dig deep and call for the details. Until then my FRIENDS!
I'm not really sure how you come out and say this without having a whole slew of people come to the conclusion that you have completely lost your mind...But what can I say...I have always done things a bit differently in my life and frankly I have to follow the path that works for me...keeps me safe, healthy, which means among other things: Spiritually Connected and that is what truly keeps me healthy and sane. Often when I get into a rut I'll start to feel myself detach way deep down inside...When I begin to sense this, I'll intentionally provoke memories that I know will get my attention and re-focus me because they are horrifying...Yep I'll remember the WORST stuff I've experienced to provoke FEELING because I fear NOT feeling more then I do feeling even THOSE MEMORIES...
There is some risk in using those memories to jump start myself out of my malaise...because I am never sure when those memories come out of their deep, dark hiding places...if I'll ever be able to "put them back in the bottle again" so to speak. I don't really have control over those thoughts & feelings...and I can get quite distraught recalling some of those experiences. Even when I can "put them away" after a bit...I more then likely will suffer through a period of "Black Dog Days"...IE: DEPRESSION. I just pray and meditate...and yea, often I just hang on for dear life.
This may come across as sounding odd but all of that is preferable...much more preferable then not dealing with the feelings at all. But why provoke it for no other reason to :"shake things up a bit"?! That doesn't seem logical at all. But for me...and that is the key word there: Me...I have learned through very hard experience that feeling, even the most painful memories I have, addressing my greatest fears is MUCH, MUCH better then NOT feeling at all!
But I must reiterate that this is what works best for me...it may not work well for someone else. And I have learned this through trial and error...actually, a ton of trial and a boat-load of error!! Pain...Mr. I.M. Pain has always been the Head School Master in my Life's Education at the School of Hard Knocks...I have a Doctorate in Alcoholism Studies at the Addiction Academy with a Master's in Rape Survival at the Academy of Sorrow...I graduated with Honors...It's called: Living to tell about it, One Day At A Time.
