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Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Head Schoolmaster: Mr. I.M. Pain

I'm not really sure how you come out and say this without having a whole slew of people come to the conclusion that you have completely lost your mind...But what can I say...I have always done things a bit differently in my life and frankly I have to follow the path that works for me...keeps me safe, healthy, which means among other things: Spiritually Connected and that is what truly keeps me healthy and sane. Often when I get into a rut I'll start to feel myself detach way deep down inside...When I begin to sense this, I'll intentionally provoke memories that I know will get my attention and re-focus me because they are horrifying...Yep I'll remember the WORST stuff I've experienced to provoke FEELING because I fear NOT feeling more then I do feeling even THOSE MEMORIES...

There is some risk in using those memories to jump start myself out of my malaise...because I am never sure when those memories come out of their deep, dark hiding places...if I'll ever be able to "put them back in the bottle again" so to speak. I don't really have control over those thoughts & feelings...and I can get quite distraught recalling some of those experiences. Even when I can "put them away" after a bit...I more then likely will suffer through a period of "Black Dog Days"...IE: DEPRESSION. I just pray and meditate...and yea, often I just hang on for dear life. 

This may come across as sounding odd but all of that is preferable...much more preferable then not dealing with the feelings at all. But why provoke it for no other reason to :"shake things up a bit"?! That doesn't seem logical at all. But for me...and that is the key word there: Me...I have learned through very hard experience that feeling, even the most painful memories I have, addressing my greatest fears is MUCH, MUCH better then NOT feeling at all!

But I must reiterate that this is what works best for may not work well for someone else. And I have learned this through trial and error...actually, a ton of trial and a boat-load of error!! Pain...Mr. I.M. Pain has always been the Head School Master in my Life's Education at the School of Hard Knocks...I have a Doctorate in Alcoholism Studies at the Addiction Academy with a Master's in Rape Survival at the Academy of  Sorrow...I graduated with Honors...It's called: Living to tell about it, One Day At A Time.

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