It has been almost a week since I had the last of the tests done to verify that I am clear me of the infection and to get a most recent C/T Scan of the Tibia injury so the Doc can know what's going on in there. But I still have not heard anything back about the results and scheduling the surgery so tomorrow I will need to call them and find out what's up for myself.
Needless to say that after dealing with the original ankle injury/surgery and subsequent infection since early March of this year, (That's 6 FREAKIN" months folks!!) I am more then impatient and I want answers and results. And NO I do not think that is asking too much...it's been 6 f***ing months already...c'mon!
The truly odd and funny thing is in reality part of me really doesn't want to get on with it because I am fearful about the outcome. Even if everything thing goes exactly as planned it is going to be extremely difficult, time consuming and painful for a really long, long time.
Plus I need to give the Doc permission to remove my right leg 6" below my knee if he get's in there and finds that it is much worse then we expect and realistically that could happen. So I have to feel comfortable with that decision or we will have to go through the entire surgical and decision making process all over again and I do not want to go there...PERIOD!
I have to admit I do NOT want to lose my leg....now that may not surprise anyone but in some ways this whole thing would be much easier, less painful and much shorter in duration if I just chose amputation out-right from the very beginning. But in my heart I am just NOT there. I am OK making the decision to take it of if once he is in there he sees that it is such a freaking MESS that amputation is the ONLY reasonable choice. But I am not ready to go there if it looks like we might be able to make a Fusion work.
So Tomorrow I'll dig deep and call for the details. Until then my FRIENDS!
Today I was watching an online video of a sermon a Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church in the Seattle, WA Area gave as part of a series on marriage. The subject was sexual assault victims...after 14 years of marriage he discovered his wife Grace had been a victim of SA and hadn't really realized it. This marriage series is based on a Book/Sermon Series he wrote and she wrote this Chapter 7 on Sexual Assault called Grace and Disgrace.
I was watching the video and as I was, I typically tend to look at stuff dealing with rape/sexual assault with a rather wary and cynical eye...and watching this series was no different. 25 minutes in I thought it was a pretty good discussion of sexual assault and how it affects people...not earth shattering by any means but solid...I agreed with a lot of the back ground info he was giving on how SA victims historically react to what has
happened to them. He used a rather simple approach to label and describe each persona or role victims will play...saying they often will fall into one of 4 groups:
The Good Person- Overcompensating for the "BAD" that happened to them.
Overtly Religious Person- Similar to Good Person but more extreme with a spiritual bent
Party Person - Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me.
Tough Person - The experience of SA hardens them and they won't let Anything "touch" them again including emotions.
My experience over the years has led me to agree with his assessment for the most part. I have kind of seen these roles and how Rape victims have latched onto a certain persona...it (in our minds) protects us.
He had gotten to the third role, the Party Person and he started to talk about a young woman who 8-10 years ago had come to him for counseling about her being sexual assaulted/molested as a little girl. She was partying very hard and living on the edge ...a lot of un-protected sex, using hard drugs sometimes spending time with a rather HARD crowd. She was really trashing herself by the lifestyle she was living and really didn't seem to care. So he asked her why she was living this way...did she like it, wasn't she afraid?
And he said her answer was chilling...one of the most tragic things he'd ever heard in all the years he had counseled people. She replied: "Pastor Mark...I am a Dirty Girl and Dirty Girls to Dirty Things..." which was the same exact thing her Grandfather made her say every time he left her bedroom at night after he raped her.
I just lost it...I'm still losing it...I guess I'll always be losing it. I know exactly how she feels...so worthless, so much like a piece of garbage. Well 5 minutes after I heard that and I'm losing it...Kim comes walking in and I can't stop sobbing.
I am so damn tired of this rape memory and it's aftermath never going AWAY! I want it to disappear, OK...I've dealt with it a hundred freaking times why do I still HURT?! WHY!!??
I mean I'm OK but I'm not...or not ever going to be completely healed or it's always going to be there. I was not prepared for the water fall of tears...the terrible cascade of negative feelings pouring down all over me again.
That my friends is how this works sometimes. I have not really thought about the rape much lately...I mean it's always there in it's own way but I was not directly hurting about it right now but something like this which frankly was very positive and helpful just triggered this...and it wiped me out. I don't know who this woman is...all I know is 10 years ago she lived in Seattle, Washington but I suspect if I saw her...and could look into her eyes...I'd KNOW her.
Actually when it comes right down to it, I "KNOW" them ALL...
I'm not really sure how you come out and say this without having a whole slew of people come to the conclusion that you have completely lost your mind...But what can I say...I have always done things a bit differently in my life and frankly I have to follow the path that works for me...keeps me safe, healthy, which means among other things: Spiritually Connected and that is what truly keeps me healthy and sane. Often when I get into a rut I'll start to feel myself detach way deep down inside...When I begin to sense this, I'll intentionally provoke memories that I know will get my attention and re-focus me because they are horrifying...Yep I'll remember the WORST stuff I've experienced to provoke FEELING because I fear NOT feeling more then I do feeling even THOSE MEMORIES...
There is some risk in using those memories to jump start myself out of my malaise...because I am never sure when those memories come out of their deep, dark hiding places...if I'll ever be able to "put them back in the bottle again" so to speak. I don't really have control over those thoughts & feelings...and I can get quite distraught recalling some of those experiences. Even when I can "put them away" after a bit...I more then likely will suffer through a period of "Black Dog Days"...IE: DEPRESSION. I just pray and meditate...and yea, often I just hang on for dear life.
This may come across as sounding odd but all of that is preferable...much more preferable then not dealing with the feelings at all. But why provoke it for no other reason to :"shake things up a bit"?! That doesn't seem logical at all. But for me...and that is the key word there: Me...I have learned through very hard experience that feeling, even the most painful memories I have, addressing my greatest fears is MUCH, MUCH better then NOT feeling at all!
But I must reiterate that this is what works best for me...it may not work well for someone else. And I have learned this through trial and error...actually, a ton of trial and a boat-load of error!! Pain...Mr. I.M. Pain has always been the Head School Master in my Life's Education at the School of Hard Knocks...I have a Doctorate in Alcoholism Studies at the Addiction Academy with a Master's in Rape Survival at the Academy of Sorrow...I graduated with Honors...It's called: Living to tell about it, One Day At A Time.
This has been a very peaceful morning for me...delightful almost. I went up and helped open the clubhouse then spoke to Marty for awhile. The I golfed instead of going to church...there just isn't going to be many more opportunities like this morning to golf so I shifted gears from my Sunday routine and did something different, mellow and I really enjoyed. Afterwards I hung around chatting for a bit with some other members and totally enjoyed that as well. What a nice way to begin the day...quite unlike that Tuesday morning, ten years ago on this date, September 11, 2001...which was anything BUT peaceful.
I was married to the X at the time and because she was from the New Jersey/New York Metro area she really struggled with what was happening, took it even more personally then most of us. And because of my life long study of history and my tendency to see raw reality for what it is...I instantly knew we were at war. I remember talking to M (the X) on the phone (she was at work, I called her and told her to find a TV) that this is Pearl Harbor all over again only we get to watch it LIVE, in real Time. It was a very difficult and disturbing day. I drank a few vodka cocktails (I just had gotten home from work, I was on 3rd shift so it was my "evening") as I watched the coverage including the 2nd plane hitting the South Tower of World Trade and then in stunned shock watching those two Towers fall.
Later that evening, before I went in to work M and I were outside in our yard, we lived in the county outside of Holland, Michigan at the time right on the main airline flight path between Chicago and Detroit. Seeing NO planes in the sky was surreal...just to look up and realize that every plane is grounded and we are at war was a humbling and frightening thought.
I went in to the factory at Herman Miller where I worked as President Bush was speaking to the country and I have this crystal clear memory of his voice echoing through dozens of radios throughout this vast, empty factory...Even now, I can close my eyes and still hear it...that echo will haunt me as long as I live.
Often when I think back to the last straw breaking in my marriage and my life taking a final turn toward desperation and hopelessness, I trace the beginning of that process to 9/11. Things were never the same again in the world...and never the same again in MY WORLD ever again. It is a heart wrenching and sickening remembrance.
Of course today, life is so different for me then it was then but as I was enjoying a quiet, peaceful round my mind wandered back to that terrible day and those terrible times that followed. It almost seems like it has been one tragedy after another since then. The Towers coming down, nearly 3,000 people dead with 6,00 wounded, the war in Afghanistan and Iraq (War Against Terror) with so many dead and wounded American and Coalition Soldiers. And finally we have the awful economic trouble our country is still experiencing. It's been a Hellish, almost Biblically Troubled Time for our world and especially our country...
But now we have to accept that it is our reality...that people actually want to kill us and bring our country to it's knees. It isn't empty sounding Cold War rhetoric...NO, it's truly our reality today and the TRUTH...PEOPLE out there in the world want to harm us because we don't believe in the same religion they do. May GOD help us all...I can't imagine a Creator who would want us KILLING each other in HIS NAME.... over a difference of opinion. No, NO...I won't accept that...what ever happened to grace, to forgiveness?
I find it odd that I now believe....that I came to actually believe, to be a FOLLOWER of CHRIST at this particular time and place. It isn't a coincidence...I think NOT! But I am thankful I do believe today because I no longer feel hopeless...like I did for several YEARS after 9/11/2001. I guess it is easier for me to believe and accept that there is HOPE for this world if I could personally be saved like have been in recent years.
I no longer just FEAR anything and everything. Sure, I can be afraid but I no longer walk around feeling like I'm being HUNTED like I used to. No today I feel safe because I am saved!
