A Humble Update

I am alive and though I don't know if I am completely on the healing road or not I am at least in the region. 

I will keep this straight forward...I am having heart trouble. Yes that is a broad and general...it's the best I can do.

I will update when more test results are in and I've seen the Cardiologist.
Until then: PEACE OUT!

I Struggle To Find JOY

Tis the 23rd Day of this nightmare stretch of illness I have been experiencing. I'm starting to feel that the Angel of Darkness is tracking me down, taking away everything I have earned and put together for others.Being ill is destroying my volunteer work at Masonville House and at Church. It has isolated me from all the group activities I do each week (there were 5!) which has caused me to put them all on hold for now.

Once you shut down work like this it is so incredibly difficult to get it started again...to convince folks to come back...If it sounds like I am discouraged...I am.

Most of you know that one of my favorite activities to do in life is my "crippled" version of golf. We live on a small course and have our own cart. This allows me to purchase a membership and trail fee and play at will. I had saved the money for this year but I just used it to pay some of this mounting medical expenses  This makes me absolutely sick inside and really bothers me.

Some will laugh and say big deal...well, you don't know me and how much getting that wee bit of consistent exercise is to my recovery. It has also helped me immeasurably to forge new relationships. I used to avoid people now I am out interacting every day.

This illness is just another thing in a long, difficult LINE of things that feel like they are strangling me from the inside out. I struggle to find joy...

Honestly the only thing that keeps me focused and moving forward is that I currently know people who are dealing with far worse then I am and I feel guilty even bringing up my pathetic circumstances.

The illness is poisoning me from within...It strangles the joy from me...squeezing the life out of me from within.

OK....that it for tonight folks...I figure like I'm just digging my own GRAVE.

MY WORD

Well I see I survived to fight another day....and "survived" is absolutely the correct word to be using here. I think in my mind the last couple of months I have been down-playing what's been happening to me in that time.

I realize this must appear very odd to those who have read the blog....I just ask for your patience and realize that i am a very, very sick fellow and need some time and attention to heal.

I will do my best...you have my word.

I'm Not...

And that is just about how I approach things in my life at the moment:

I'm not hallucinating. I'm not walking in my freaking sleep. I'm not talking gibberish to every one I see or even when NO ONE is there. I'm not going un-conscious and falling to the floor 6 times a day. I'm not wishing for imminent DEATH because I have not slept in 17 straight days.

For the first time in 2 weeks I am not running a fever of over 100 degrees. I'm not fearful of dying alone though I am afraid...and I mean really afraid and not just the typical stuff.

I did NOT & DO NOT, not feel comfortable at all learning that I may have congestive Heart Failure...as a matter of fact that bit of information frightens the hell out of me....Big time!

Perhaps I am finally HEALING but who  really knows!?

I'll post again real soon...as long as I hope

A Bit More Light, Perhaps...

I think the Doctor's in my life indeed have gotten themselves together...They are now looking the very serious possibility that I may be dealing with congenital Heart Failure. I'll keep you all in the loop...as ALWAYS!

And In The End, The Old Boy Manages To Hang on & LIVE!

I'll try and kick this post out quickly because I haven't a clue when my energy runs out.

I am now writing 45 minutes later then before. I guess to prove my point, I passed out on the keyboard for this is how I get sleep these days. I keep going...literally till I stop, fall down or if I am in a safe, comfy place just happen fall asleep wherever that may be.

My sister and I had Strep Throat and Scarlet Fever in the early 1970's but other then that time....I have never been sicker and for longer then during this recent bout of illness. I am on my 3rd Anti-Biotic, half a dozen doctor's visits, half as many trips to the hospital. I am really getting my butt kicked physically....all for what was thought to be a Mild bout of Bronchitis. Hmmmm.....somehow I think it's a wee bit more than that.

I am going to stop while I am ahead and perhaps GO to bed.

I apologize to everyone for the disruption to the daily posting of Shell Shock Serenade...it has been a real struggle just to make it through each day and niight. I am so thankful for Kim...I could not have done it with out her.

Let's chat again tomorrow, shall we??!

A Fresh, New Assault...on My Sobriety!

What a strange position to find myself in. I have mentioned this before, when discussing my addiction that isolating myself is one of the more dangerous and risky things I can do. And now I find myself in the totally unexpected and UNWANTED position of being almost totally isolated by my health. Every conscious and sub-conscious warning system I have developed during my recovery is going off in my head 24/7! No joke here or exaggeration...I am afraid of this situation.

I was not expecting it of course so I am completely unprepared for it. I am thankful that I do know myself, my feelings and my comfort zones so well that I was aware of this happening to me almost instantaneously...and that is a life-saver...perhaps LITERALLY a saver of a life...my own.

Because this is without a doubt the most challenging situation I have have faced concerning my sobriety in the nearly 7 years I have now been sober. This is not a joke...it's very f**king serious because I could easily have found myself taking a drink or abusing drugs/medications. That is why I am still quite uncertain and fearful about this incident.

Obviously first and foremost I need to get healthy again and get back to my social and volunteering routines. That is the most important part. That and not letting myself get too down about this. It is a set-back yes...but it can and will be overcome. It obviously is hard on me  and things will be challenging...especially getting my health and my weight under control. 

But I have faith...I really do believe things will work out for the best...no matter what that is. So you can assume my Dear reader that more on this new challenge will be revealed and discussed in up and coming Posts! I will see you soon.... 

It Will Pass...Won't It??!!

Just once in recent memory I would like to sit down to write about something that doesn't have to do with MY pain, MY sleeplessness, MY difficulties, etc. It has really been a challenging time in my life, no doubt about it.

I'm thankful at a time like this for music. In many ways music is the one universal thing that speaks out to me right now and doesn't seem to get hung up by negative experiences or circumstances. 

I realize that Shell Shock Serenade as a blog is almost impossible to read right now. It is even more scattered, confused, short-sighted then I am.

I just figure if I keep pushing on that we will break through this rough patch and stuff will begin to lighten up in my life and blog at the same time.

I really Thank those of you that have stuck by us during this last 8 weeks or so of this mess of sleepless days, Thanks again!

Super

Good morning...it 'tis Super Bowl Sunday in America!

I am still operating with out any real sleep so I am just checking in and *hopefully I can post something later.....

Something's Gotta Give!

To it's Friday...the first Friday in February as a matter of fact and I started it off with more illness, pain and confusion in my life. This last stretch of 2 or 3 months has quite honestly been the most difficult sustained period of my recovery with the definite exception of the first year or so when i was just getting started.

I am really reeling emotionally and not getting proper rest and nutrition...something has to give. 

In the next couple of days I am going to try and write my way to the bottom of this mess. Hold on for the ride, it could get kind of crazy!