I Struggle To Find JOY

Tis the 23rd Day of this nightmare stretch of illness I have been experiencing. I'm starting to feel that the Angel of Darkness is tracking me down, taking away everything I have earned and put together for others.Being ill is destroying my volunteer work at Masonville House and at Church. It has isolated me from all the group activities I do each week (there were 5!) which has caused me to put them all on hold for now.

Once you shut down work like this it is so incredibly difficult to get it started again...to convince folks to come back...If it sounds like I am discouraged...I am.

Most of you know that one of my favorite activities to do in life is my "crippled" version of golf. We live on a small course and have our own cart. This allows me to purchase a membership and trail fee and play at will. I had saved the money for this year but I just used it to pay some of this mounting medical expenses  This makes me absolutely sick inside and really bothers me.

Some will laugh and say big deal...well, you don't know me and how much getting that wee bit of consistent exercise is to my recovery. It has also helped me immeasurably to forge new relationships. I used to avoid people now I am out interacting every day.

This illness is just another thing in a long, difficult LINE of things that feel like they are strangling me from the inside out. I struggle to find joy...

Honestly the only thing that keeps me focused and moving forward is that I currently know people who are dealing with far worse then I am and I feel guilty even bringing up my pathetic circumstances.

The illness is poisoning me from within...It strangles the joy from me...squeezing the life out of me from within.

OK....that it for tonight folks...I figure like I'm just digging my own GRAVE.