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Saturday, August 17, 2013

At Times, What HE Does Provide Is PAIN and a Hard Lesson...

Late this afternoon....long after one would expect to get a phone call from a doctor's office, the phone rang and it was my surgeons office saying the referral to the Ankle Fusion Surgeon came through. They have scheduled an appointment to see me OCTOBER 3rd, 2013! That is right, nearly 7 freaking weeks away...What last shred of hope I had about getting better burst like blowing a soap bubble into a stiff wind.

I cannot walk, cannot sleep, cannot think straight, cannot do my chores, cannot do ANYTHING without the severe consequences of debilitating PAIN. I was stunned...then in all honesty my shock turned quickly to despair....helplessness and then hopelessness.

I will say this right now...this post is going to upset people. Some may never want to speak to me again. That of course is their prerogative.

I have noticed during this 4 month long ordeal that many people seem to genuinely care , are concerned about me and frequently ask how I am doing. Unfortunately that is when things can often begin to feel uncomfortable. Because in our society, it has become common for people to ask you how you are doing or feeling. What I have discovered is they really don't want to know the answer.

Here is an example from my own experience that has been happening a lot lately.  I will get asked how I am and hows it going. I will answer with the truth that the pain and discomfort is UNBEARABLE and the financial burden is overwhelming.

Let me tell you, the fastest way to get someone to change the subject or leave the room is to tell them you are having extreme financial difficulty. In an instant they are struggling to find something helpful yet non-committal to say.

Lately what I have been hearing from people is to Trust god, HE will PROVIDE. Tell me where there a guarantee that God will fix your problems...If people are starving, He may indeed provide a meal of Rats and Sawdust like they ate in Auschwitz.

When you have medical bills like I do where the out of pocket expense now exceeds $14,000 (and remember, I have not even had the surgery to repair the ankle! yet!), It is easy to spout out sayings and quotes when it isn't you that is under the gun, getting harassed, getting the calls, receiving a ton of useless and unwanted advice by every self-appointed adviser. My thoughts are on what a failure I am and, how can I ever climb out of this whole. I'll let you all in on a terrible little truth for me: In the last 3 weeks I have seriously thought about committing suicide on several occasions because I cannot stand the thought of going through another single, solitary day. I sit here all day in excruciating agony and think and pray and suffer. I do wonder WHY Me?!
Not to mention the fact that I am in terrible pain, I'm sick and now have been informed it will be nearly 2 more months before they will even SEE Me to start the surgical process.

Please do not ask questions like how are you, etc if you cannot handle an honest answer. Your response feels demeaning and just isolates me even more.                     

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