Strangely, The Illusion LIES

The human mind....and in this  specific case this would mean MY human mind in particular...can often play strange tricks on their owner and in this case that would be an understatement to say the least. The challenges and trials inherent in one who is living with a long term, life altering illness are far to numerous to even begin to count. Let us just say that in my nearly 52 years of life & living...I have never come close to the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual hardship and heart-break that I have experienced during this injury and subsequent illness of the last 18 hellish months.

You can even start to believe the foolish notions spinning round in your head.  I know that I can find it difficult at moments to know where reality ends and fantasy begins. 

One area that is not fantasy is the over year long infection that I have been fighting along side the injury, surgery and now subsequent Non-Union of my right ankle. Because of a communication mix-p between the doctor's office and myself, I did not get my refill request in on time for my anti-biotic today. I just took the last dose that I have. Over the past 18 months I have lived in a state of near-terror of  running out of the medicine and now for thew second or third time that night-mare has indeed come to pass.

This is where I am going to challenge my mind to take control over the matter...at least until I can get a refill. Typically in this scenario I would feel quite panicky to be faced with the prospect of an entire night and morning without that med. Yet tonight...strangely i have felt completely calm as if I know to the very depths of my soul that my need for this anti-biotic is nothing but an ILLUSION. And I feel almost certain that I can make it through this night without falling so terribly ill.

I most definitely will answer that question for the READER, come morning time.

Fighting The GOOD FIGHT Begins Right NOW!

I would not consider myself naive when it comes to the reality of this life or living. I have experienced a vast variety of things in my nearly  52 years on the planet...good things, bad things...the surreal and unbelievable, special and not so much. Nothing truly surprises me now or catches me off balance.

And I would honestly say the experiences of the past couple of years fall under that assessment as well. Though I never would have predicted the specifics...broken leg/ankle in a household accident, subsequent infection, multiple (read:9!) follow up surgeries, long term IV and oral Anti-Biotic Treatment and now the  decision making dilemma of a lifetime...I am still not really shocked or unhinged by all that is happening.

But not being thrown for a major loop and freaking out about it doesn't necessarily make it natural or routine to decide to have one's right leg removed...even if it's "JUST" below the knee.

I will say that I have naturally traveled far and wide through the various emotional responses and reactions to difficult and challenging turn of events. Lord knows I have been angry, felt really isolated & lost, knowing only the confusion of the unknown and a boat-load of life and mind altering pain. Yes I have been very open on these pages about my emotional & physical reactions, including the temporary and fleeting desire to end my own life for lack of a realistic solution and the unlikely-hood of a permanent healing.

As the song says: Now "what's a POOR BOY to do?" To use a "surfer-esk" description I would say that it has come the time to just get out there and ride that Big-Ass, F**king wave. It's there....it isn't going away so go and ride the mother....who knows...despite the possibility of major pain/torment, death and/or destruction...I might actually discover that I like it and am good at it.

That's right folks...though I have tried to stay positive and true...there are times that I have failed in that endeavor mightily and slipped into self-pity and feeling sorry for myself. I shall be honest here...considering what's happening, I am NOT going to be too hard on myself for that. Truth is that this situation whether it be "God's Will" or not totally SUCKS and it is not really natural, common or to be "expected". So I am going to continue to cut myself some slack about it.

But the reality is for me that I need to sh*t or get off the freaking pot. Time to acknowledge, confront and then embrace the damn MONKEY On Me Back. I need to begin the acceptance phase...even though I am honestly not yet sure about what I am going to do: Amputate the right leg below the knee or try another Fusion, albeit a much more time consuming, painful and risky procedure then the last attempt.

Either way I am not quitting, shirking my responsibility to live my life fully or dodging reality through the old habits of drug/alcohol abuse. Trust me...the realities of more long term painful recovery or amputation pale in comparison to once again attempting to survive the absolute HORROR of active addiction. God willing...it is not ever going to be an option.

I have my Faith and I will let all of you in on a wee little secret...though I have truly been tested to the outer limits of my tolerance and endurance....that once little microscopic sliver of Faith I began with has blown-up into an absolute mountain of it today. 

So the fight begins and I will Freakin' FIGHT...for my life, my sanity, for Kim and lastly....for MYSELF. I have no way of truly knowing if this is just the beginning of more pain and torture or I am embarking on a journey that will ultimately Define and MARK ME for LIFE.

No Matter what....I am more then ready to begin, AGAIN.

Early Morning Meandering

As I sit here this morning, it tis but impossible NOT TO PONDER ALL THAT IS HAPPENING to me right now.  And that is to be expected. I really figured this would be a slam dunk for amputation....ah, it turns out to not be as freaking simple as that :/.  I find myself going back and forth not wanting to make such monumental decision. I keep thinking there should'd more options and much more time. YET the sand runneth ever so quickly from the hour glass of life. In reality I know more then ever that God is present in my life today and though I have questioned why this is happening to me I know there is always a higher purpose. I have a much higher sensitivity to the needs and wants and hurts of others. And I am grateful for that gift of caring and selflessness. Im the better for it for sure.....

Resignation: Not Sure How Quiet....

I suspect that I have mentioned this before in a previous post but it is certainly relevant in light of the recent post: "Cutting To The Chase". Suffering from a serious, long time illness is isolating. Well being faced with the decision on whether one should amputate their right leg below the knee is rather isolating as well.

No one else can really help one make such a decision. Fact is I would probably resent anyone who even presumed to try...no matter how good their intentions were. Only the leg owner can truly decide and even then it is not an easy or simple process. Oh God I never wanted it to get this f-ing far. No shame here folks...I am afraid.

More then anything I just want to close my eyes and have it all just go away....it's a bad....bad dream. I have worked through so many different stages of feelings just trying to accept my situation the way it was. Though deep down I always knew this was a possibility...I never really thought it would happen. I figured we would heal enough hat I would find it acceptable...but it just didn't happen that way, unfortunately.

I will follow this up with more detail but basically I met with the Docs and they determined that without a doubt the ankle is a definite "Non Union"...meaning that it did not fuse together...plus I still have an infection. My choices are basically this: I can go through this fusion process all over again and use an even more robust hardware or have it amputated. Some choice...eh?!

This is a terrible blow.....but there it is.....that is what I have to work with so what can one do?

Choking Out Another Goodby

It was indeed another  tough moment....having to say goodbye to my daughter Chelsea and my three grand sons. A real heat breaking, ball~ busting kind of experience.

These goodbyes get more difficult each and every time we do it by the way. I suppose that's natural.....

Cutting To The Chase....TRUTH Wins!

In my life today....very few things are more important then TRUTH and The Truth. Getting honest with myself after years of denial, misinformation and out right lying was the critical piece to my eventual recovery from Alcoholism/Addiction. It was not an easy nor pleasant process....there were parts of me that were not very nice or likable looking back on it.

The reason I mention this now is that admitting my mistakes and Identifying areas where I have gotten off the right track are just as important to the quality of my life today as it was in those delicate, chaotic early days of my recovery.

Most readers know that I have been dealing with a serious, life and LIMB threatening illness that is now going on it's second full year in duration. Every aspect of my life: Physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual has been catastrophically impacted way beyond the point of ever totally healing. It has and continues to have scarred me for life.

I know some of these posts here on SSS are not always pleasant but I must remind the Reader that the original and still current rational and reason this blog exists is to promote my own personal healing by providing an outlet for the daily TRUTH of my day to day life to be revealed then shared on these very private and personal pages.

I have written frequently about being pushed to the limit by this ordeal to the point where I will admit that not living anymore had started to sound better at times then the alternative. In this instance there was no real risk that I would actually carry out this plan but My Soul was aching to the core and I could do nothing to stop it.

I began to doubt God then actually accepted the fact that this was his will for me:To hurt and punishing me to the bitter end.

In addition to feeling abandoned or worse...HATED by God, I started to resent my friends and some family members who in my distorted illness influenced way of thinking were coasting through life, traveling, spending money and other then dealing with a sick kid/grand-kid or occasional death of a friend/family member have known no real adversity or pain. While I was financially wiped out (nearly $100,000 worth of OUT OF POCKET medical bills) they ride their motorcycles, go camping, go on cruises and trips out east while I no longer have two nickels to rub together.

They would compound their crime in my mind by suggesting that mere prayer or faith would overcome my malady and pain. It's easy to have faith when you're riding the Gravy-Train every day. Or so I believed....

I fed off the resentment and self-pity...Anger fueling my every thought. This scenario seemed to justify my mistrust and dislike of these Christian HYPOCRITES that i hated and mocked for so long. I was slipping away...heading once again down a tortured path of rage and resentment toward another go at suicide...and who knows...this one may have ended in my death instead of a coma and long-term hospitalization.

And then one of those pesky Hypocrites wrote me a Face-Book message referencing Psalm 18 and how she believed that was relevant to my current ordeal. She continued on about the fact that there was hope and some how through the rage I began to see what was happening to me.

That my Friends is the difference in my life today and my life over 8 years ago...Today I have people in my life who love me enough to step into my world of CHAOS and Madness and directly confront the evil that was devouring me from the inside out.

I cannot begin to express how thankful I am that instead of relying on the old stand by: "Praying" that you see so often on Facebook that she took the risk to wade into the fray and reach and pull me back from the ABYSS. God Bless you M O-S...

Before any one gets upset...I very strongly believe in the power of prayer and appreciate the fact that people all over the world (in my particular case) are praying for me. But like anything else, all of us who believe can get where we don't know what to say to someone and instead of not saying anything at all rely on that old stand by..."Praying" with no other expression of care or concern. 

The problem with that is that no matter how heart felt and sincere that promise of prayer may be...seeing it said over and over again devalues and cheapens the notion of it to some of us who have been ill for a long period of time. It starts to seem like a cliche. This lesson most certainly applies to yours truly as as well as I am guilty of this as much as anyone. I can honestly say it has been a cathartic realization for me too.

In closing I admit that I have learned for myself the danger of resentment and self pity. I do not know when or IF this illness is ever going to go away. But  whether I believe it or not...God is still there and the key is to cling tightly to the promise of HIS great LOVE and our eventual Salvation.

Invisible Sun (A Lonely Glimpse into Human Suffering)

Never in my life have I experienced the feeling of utter powerlessness as I have several times in the last few days. For the last 90 minutes or so I hadn't the energy to move from the floor of my bedroom where I had to just stop and lie down because I no longer had the strength to proceed the last 3 feet to my bed. I wanted to move...to get up yet I could not. I recall having the thought: "Is this dying?" And I had no answer because I considered it possible that it just might be....

I cannot keep doing this....clinging desperately to a fantasy of recovery....of HOPE. I'm kidding myself....I am, I know that I am. I repeatedly find myself thinking and saying this. I realize this sounds quite dramatic but I exaggerate NOT...I am far to fatigued right now to find food or or even go to the rest room.

And then a slight uptick in the energy level...just enough to rise, ever so slowly and make my move toward mobility. The hopelessness lessons but never releases it's iron grip on me...it will be a fight to death...I can only cling to the slight possibility that it isn't my own.

I turn my face to the Invisible Sun and pray for the light...the heat, to become the strength to once again...persevere...survive for just one more day.

"Being Grandpa"....

My three grandson's are visiting us for nearly a week with their Mother (my daughter Chelsea) and Son-in-Law Joel. I can honestly say it was just what the proverbial doctor ordered to bolster the tattered emotional state I have been in lately due to this endless medical ordeal with it's pain and trying uncertainty.

I just wanted to share a few photos taken during their very first day here....

WAITING...Less Then Patiently.

Life is full at the moment. And as "they" say..."It waits for know one" yet I am having trouble keeping up. Why? Because after near 18 months I am still fighting this infection and now I discover that my right ankle is swelling up to proportions equal too my pre-FUSION days. What this means is that after nearly 7 months of super painful recovery I am actually no better off then I was before I had the surgery.

To say that I am discouraged is putting it rather mildly.

The good news here is actually great news and most likely will delay the inevitable for a week at least....my grandsons will be here starting tomorrow with there mother my daughter Chelsea and their dad Joel tomorrow for nearly a week

I can hold on for a week.

I will do my best to update this week but I know IO haven't been a very good corespondent lately. Oh well....until the next time.